I think it was Dame Flora Robson who recounted seeing a nativity play in Aberdeenshire.

Joseph, reading the paper: 'I see Herod's goin' tae kill a' the baby boys'
Mary: 'Oh, if it's nae ane thing it's anither'

And a friend attended a performance of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in Stirling. There was a school party from the Raploch* in the audience. After much discussion with the audience, Snow White decided to eat the poisoned fruit. Then she fell down dead.

A young boy's voice from the audience piped up: 'See! I told ye no tae eat the f*****' epple!'

Dead Snow White shook more than somewhat.

*an area which is not the top of the market in Stirling.

in an area schools nativity concert in front about 600 people. Can't recall how that happened other than it did. I was about 13 and the least theatrical person in the school.

So my big moment came where I had to accept the gifts from the three wise men. Each time I took a gift the wise man and I bowed to each other. It was all going well until the last wise man stood a little closer to me than his predecessors and we bowed with a splendid clash of heads. We both stood bemused and rubbing our heads for about 10 seconds whilst everyone else sniggered.

But a friends sister teaches primary school kids in Liverpool. She was saying how the mums were in the Home Corner in their jammies drinking tinnies for the end of term party and she was reading 'Little Red Riding Hood' to the little kids sat in a circle on the floor.

When Riding Hood was eaten there was a hushed pause then one of the tiny lads said "That fokkin' WANKER"

I mean, how busy does it have to be that a woman who is 9 months pregnant cannot be accomodated anywhere in the city where her husband's relatives live ?

They must have had one hell of a family falling out, details of which didn't reach the bible's compilers.

In the third grade at my school the class was told that we were going to put on a nativity/Christmas play for our parents and our teacher started to assign roles to everyone.
I didn't like my teacher, but I was still the teachers pet and she was determined that I should have the best part (no democratic casting in those days, she gave the best parts to the "good" kids first and she saved the worst parts for the kids she didn't like).
So she opened the proceedings by asking me if I wanted to play Mary.
I was in a bad mood, I also hated my teachers' unfair methods and could smell one coming a mile ahead. I didn't really want to be in a stupid old Christmas play, so I decided to be difficult that day.
So I refused to play Mary, she insisted for a while but I was a stubborn child and had made my mind up.
The second favourite girl got the part instead.
After assigning the part of Joseph and the three wise men to the top four boys in her pecking order she dangled the second best part for a girl (Saint Lucia) in front of me. I said Absolutely not. We argued back and forth for a while until she finally gave up and moved on.
This kept happening (An angel ? No. A maiden in Saint Lucias "entourage" ? No. A gingerbread man ? No! An elf ? NO!) until everybody had gotten their parts except for me and our teachers' least favourite girl, a rather clumsy slow learner that she treated in a way that you couldn't get away with these days.
"There are only two parts left now, and you have to choose one of them! You can either be the Christmas buck or the Christmas pig!"
Horrible! My defiance had left me with the choice of pestilence or cholera...
I couldn't pick the worst part...stand in front of the entire class and the parents dressed as a pig!
It had to be the buck. I was left to organize my own costume (my mum had better things to do) and I ended up using an old sheepskin vest and making a pair of horns from empty toilet rolls and an egg carton, held on to my head by a piece of string (making no sudden movements with my head in order to keep the horns standing up).
To add insult to injury the teacher made me learn to play a few notes on the cello for one of the songs we were performing (because my dad played the double bass so I would be a natural of course...I wasn't).

The worst part was that the play was such a hit with the parents that the headmaster asked us to perform it to the rest of the school in the assembly-hall!
Oh, the shame I felt when it was time for my cello solo and I had to step up to the front of the stage showing off my useless costume!
But it didn't teach me a lesson for the future, I kept on being defiant all through school (and I still am).

Happy Saint Lucia Day from Sweden!

Then tough. Christmas show, not nativity. But I can't stop beaming about it, so I'l inflict it on you lot, too.

Just this: http://adrakesprogress.blogspot.com/2011/12/shine.html

At the age of five. Mum made me a costume with a neat arab headscarf and cloak of pillow case material, held in place with dressing gown cords that were probably far too rich for a skint carpenter in Judea to have afforded.

I remember spotting my parents, sitting beaming in the front row of the audience. I believe I may have waved. Then I started looking at the weird collection of humanity that sat around and behind them. Crikey, thought the infant I, these must be my friends' parents. I wonder which ones belong to whom? Perhaps the fat ones over there are connected with the chubby bloke in my class? Blimey, I wonder who's Mum that one with the hair is? I wonder...

At this point, the hissing of the prompter (Miss Moody) caught my attention, and I launched into my, "No room at the inn", speech.

Sadly, a glittering career in the theatre slipped by cruel increments from my grasp over the subsequent years.

again by a good friend the other day. Her Daughter is called Lauren. One Christmas, I think her first in primary school so I guess 5years old. She had made a list for Santa. Unfortunately Santas helper (Laurens mum) decided she had better ideas for worthy presents.
On Christmas morning after opening her presents Lauren said to her mum 'can we go round to Lauren Orgills house because I think Santa has got the presents mixed up - I didn't ask for any of these and I think Lauren must have mine'.

Apparently at my first, aged 5, I played with my zipper in time to the music. My grandad, a keen musician, was very proud of me.

I was a wise man. And I had to black up. Possibly not something that is done these days I would think.

were like this

Charlie Higson in his Bacofoil hotpants

he sang so loudly that the boy next to him had to put his hands over his ears to shut out the noise. We have it on video and when he is in the doghouse we threaten to send it to You've Been Framed, they love that kind of thing.

Beautiful quiet Mary while seven shades of chaos broke around her, dancers fell over, camels got lost, little stars wet themselves and the star was dropped.

Turned to the audience and said, 'this is the best Christmas ever' It may have been scripted but she was my little angel tonight. and yes I do have something in my eye right now....

aged 5 dressed as wise man, literally. Not told anyone that before only me and mum knew and I bet she's forgotten. There's probably a joke in there somewhere about myrrh but I'm not about to start looking for it.