Intelligent Life On Planet Rock
The Worst Of The Internet
Pop-ups, nutters and teribel speling... the internet is rubbish!
Myspace
Unsigned (read: awful) music, crappy ads, wonk-faced performers trying to "friend you up" and a background that makes a tandoori's wallpaper look Zen and tasteful. Nobody over 13 has any business there.
America is the only Country in The World
From the map search that tells you Inverness is in California to the useless recipes ("add one cup hamburger helper to 6oz zucchini!") the net is the quickest way to render the real world invisible.
Talking Smilies
God alone knows what grade of simpleton wants to adorn their emails with laughing 3D smiley faces, but there are ads for them all over the web. When I were a lad it was :) or :( and that was it.
Band's Websites
They're almost all terrible – hideous, out of date and boring – and the last place you'd go to find out anything of use. Fansites, done for nothing by mad people, beat them hands down pretty much every time.
Internet Micro-Celebrities
The guy who says, "Leave Britney alone", the guy who sings Chocolate Rain... remember that Turkish guy who said, "I kiss you"? This stuff used to be safely corralled on Radio 1 where you could ignore it.
"Internet Sensation" bands
They're coming out of nowhere! They don't need your permission! They haven't got a record deal! Except... they have. And a military-grade server for webcasts that they "found in a skip".
"Have you registered?"
No I haven't, why do you need my email address and mum's maiden name to sell me a SuperSaver to Runcorn? SAY NO TO THE FREEMASONS' WORLD SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM.
"You're our 1,000,0000th Customer!"
Really? Amazing! And all I have to do is sign a direct debit for endless toner refills and I get a free refurbished Dell? Oh brave new world!
Premercials and intro screens
Because, yes, you really want to watch Ben Hur before you can find out the weather forecast.
Adobe Reader
All we want to do is read a PDF but this horrible, needy piece of bloatware keeps making you quit all other programs while it updates itself. It's like a "wacky" auntie going "Look at MEEE" every five minutes.
Fake YouTube Tags
We quite like YouTube (see over). But we don't like clicking on JOHN TERRY PENALTY MISS TEARS CLOSE UP and then seeing some dullard's monologue about abortion or Islam "because it's important you see this".
Fwd: This is funny!!
Almost never is. Rule of thumb: the more!! exclamation marks!!!! the more mind-crushingly unfunny!!!!!! it usually is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moron-Polls:
Did Paul beat Heather? Is Tony Blair the Devil? Is Britney on crack? When will Amy die? How the average internet clickmonkey would know the answer to any of these questions is beyond us.
"You Are a Nazi"
What most internet discussions degenerate into with bewildering speed. Post 1: "Anyone know a good plumber in Cardiff?" Post 3: "wake up america!! 9-11 was an INSIED JOB ps get alife you MORAN."
"Teh"
A] I'm typing so incontinently that I'm not reading the drivel I'm coming out with. B] I'm typing "teh" instead of "the" because it's HILARIOUS. C] I can't work teh spellcheck.
Newspaper Messageboards (and the BBC's too)
The most formidable argument against democracy since Plato, now expertly parodied in Private Eye ("Tippycle of bottle-er browns Britain!"). Oddly, you get more reasonable voices on The Sun's than The Guardian's.
"I'm a Mac." "I'm a PC"
For months you couldn't open the Guardian site without seeing these screen-punchers from Mitchell and Webb (who we quite like otherwise). Unfortunate side-effect: made Macs look a bit smug and wanky.
LOL!!
If everyone who used this witless acronym really was laughing out loud then the entire world would be filled with the mirthless cackling of the damned. See also ROFL, OMG etc.
Information Anxiety
You find yourself sweatily wondering if there have been any developments in the news while actually looking at the BBC news website. This is not a healthy state of affairs.
And the worst thing about the internet, clearly, is...
Spam
What's worse: the avalanche of miracle Nigerian cash windfall/penis enlargement/v14gr@ rubbish that clogs up your email inbox each morning? Or the clear inference that many of your fellow humans are falling for it and handing over their PINs? It makes us DESPAIR.
The Internet Is for PORN
All else is confusion.
Mind you,I rather enjoyed a wee piece of Spam I was sent some time ago.It asked me if I would "Like Lager Breasts".
Well,I would, but what happens now? Do I approach my favourite brewery?
People who like PORN tend not to mind about spelling, I've noticed.Anyone who ever puts "LOL" should never be allowed any more PORN. We do have standards , you know.
WS5JH7
Or is it W5SJ41? Or maybe it's . . . .
Spam-trap codes that not even human beings can read.
Myspace The Only Way For Many Bands To Increase The Audience
There has been a growing criticism of myspace over the last few issues which I find strange from a magazine which is hearalding the new frontiers in marketing for bands- "Unsigned (read: awful) music."
I agree that at its extremes that it is a forum for nutters who think they have talent or are funny to a cynical ploy by some of the bigger record companies. However there is a middle ground of unsigned bands and established musicians using it as a means to get to existing and new audiences denied them by traditional media allied to the release dates of the major bands like Coldplay.
My own myspace page is one which I set up to see what is going on in my home town of Liverpool in this year as City Of Culture. I've come across many great bands using myspace to build contacts and fans to build up their audience. This in a city and country that sees most venues using variations on Pay To Play whereby you can only play if you can bring so many paying customers and then only get paid a percentage after that number. This is fine in your home town where word of mouth works but how are you going to shunt 60 people to London which is the figure I've seen on one "promoter's" site.(next time you go to a gig see if there is a list they're ticking off and make sure they tick the right band - or else they have a tendency to tick the main band and not the one you've gone to see).
Myspace is allowing these bands to build the numbers to an extent that they can then book their own venues and earn some cash. In this waymyspace is being used in a quite subversive way and can only be applauded and not mocked in the way you did.
Tony Donaghey
www.myspace.com/liverpoolbandsfriends
(ps my appologies to Paul Du Noyer for nicking his cover picture from his fine book)
Indeed
I find MySpace is a necessary evil. Yes, it's clunky and slow, you get approached for 'friendship' by some rum sorts, but it's a good (and free) way of getting your music to people, especially promoters. I get this a lot:
Me: Just chasing up the cd we sent, wondered if you'd listened to it at all...
Promoter: We tend not to listen to then anymore. Do you have a Myspace?
It's also a way to listen to yet-to-be-released songs by my favourite acts, including the Hold Steady and Aimee Mann. One day my band will have a brilliantly designed website which will be of use to our audience (mystifyingly, one of Word's other pet hates) but until then, MySpace will have to do.
Myspace - or a course in web design?
I too quite like MySpace. It's become a bit slow and has too many adverts these days, but not all unsigned musicians are also skilled in web design so it's makes it far easier to have your own page for songs / live dates. As you rightly pointed out, who uses bands official pages these days anyway?
Facebook is crap
Can't see the attraction myself. I have real friends I e-mail, talk to and see in the flesh, and I don't feel the need to tell the world, "Sam is recovering from a hangover" (although is well enough to post something), "Sam is going to the shops" or "Sam has just finished a rather superb bowel movement." Nobody cares. It's just the latest example of how the Internet (that bastion of communication and free expression) encourages self-absorption in the worst way.
I do have a log-in, but that was simply to sign up to the Word Podcast group. I now have people I don't care about offering to poke me. Thanks for that.
I'll have a lie down now...
haters. how british of you.
yeah, the myspace hate is a bit off. bands are blowing up on the strength of myspace every day. but most of this list is just a bit snobbish. spam, sure... that's an infringement of other peoples privacy. but complaining about lol? trite, and not even funny as a last saving grace.
oh, and i had to REGISTER to leave this comment. gotta love it.
Ouch
That's gotta hurt....
Don't Knock It...
I know you like to be provocative with your ‘The worst and the best of…’and I haven’t bothered to respond before as it’s even more of a wind up to think of you sitting there laughing at the rage and heated responses you generate from your readers!
But this time I thought I’d calmly point out that there are many unsigned bands on MySpace that are imaginative, interesting, and accomplished, and would not be out of place on one of your cover cds. Just in case you haven’t got time to search through it all - you might like to try David Gibb, Crazy Quilt Bouquet, Yellow Bentines, Kazoo Funk Orchestra, Wintergreen or Fukosi. If these bands were ‘signed’ I can imagine you singing their praises. MySpace is still a great place to find musical gems if you’re willing to make the effort and it’s still a good place for all musicians to get heard – don’t knock it.
Best and Worst
For the first time ever, I totally agree with your Best and Worst! Talking Smileys has got to be my pet hate... followed by Adobe Reader... Grrr