Entertainment For Lively Minds
Words only used by officials
Posted by PlansforNigel on 22 August 2011 - 10:11am.
Does anyone in their daily life really use words/phrases such as:
"I am now going to alight from this train" ?!
"I really must gather up my personal effects" ?!
Maybe such words are only allowed in notices, insurance policies and memos? Is it the law?
I'm sure others have good examples....
PS/On a related issue I recently saw a notice at a statiion that said "Do not take more luggage on the train than you can carry". Good idea that.
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Alight
is a particular bugbear of mine; a word I've never ever heard in normal conversation. Even with pseudo-intellectual types.
Also, I think it was HMHB (or maybe Paul Whitehouse) who pointed out the word 'aplomb' is a word solely used by football commentators.
I always thought it was
Frank Skinner who said that about the word "adjudged", as in "the ball was adjudged to be offside".
I thought it was the player
who was offside. I've never seen the ball penalised :-)
Quite right
I originally wrote "the ball was adjudged to have crossed the line" before changing it to "offside" without noticing that it then made no sense at all ;-)
Footballer's Tense
The other thing about football, is that it has it's own unique way of speaking - footballer's tense. For instance, you'd never hear a musician say "Well, I've come into the studio and laid down some tracks and then Jonesy's come in and played this riff..."
The boy done good
the girl done better?
And football fans. When do
And football fans. When do you hear a music fan say 'We released a blinding new single, we really stormed the charts with that one.' You'd sound like an utter dick wouldn't you?
Footballer speak.
Who else calls the boss "Gaffer"?
And who else
calls a football pitch a "park"?
Oddly,...
...although football consists almost entirely of players kicking the ball, the ball is never 'kicked'. The ball may be caressed, struck, driven, curled, slotted etc, but never 'kicked'.
The only thing that is ever 'kicked' is another player.
Or...
...a water bottle.
Mantle with aplomb
The only thing that comes to mind when I hear the word "aplomb", quite appropriately it would seem, is this:
Consummate
"That was a consummate display of skill and artistry!" Can I be the new Motty?
Eponymous is a word
1. Only used my music critics (see also sophomore)
2. The wrong bloody word. The word they should be using is homonymous.
Not wrong at all
From the online Oxford Dictionary -
(of a person) giving their name to something:
the eponymous hero of the novel
(of a thing ) named after a particular person or group:
their eponymous debut LP
Homonymous...?
...isn't he the guy who did all those druggy paintings of hell?
don't talk bosh!
I thought it was
that horrible chickpea stuff :-)
Slam.
Something we do to doors.
Something people do in tabloids because someone can't be arsed to type the word "condemn".
It's not that they can't be arsed
Having worked as a sub, it's often simply that you don't have enough space on the page.
Twitter is reviving the art
The other day the 140-character limit forced me to abandon my plan to use the word "altercation" in favour of "spat".
Roy of the Rovers, Striker etc.
As they are about to hit the ball a thought bubble appears... 'Now, if I can just put enough spin on the ball with the outside of my boot to squeeze it over the wall and into the top right corner of the goal away from the keepers out stretched arms...'.
I wonder if Joey Barton has such thoughts?
Joey Barton
"I wonder if I can chin the full-back without the ref seeing."
Here's where you both went wrong with that:
Joey Barton. Thought. Same sentence.
Think carefully about where you erred there!
(I write as a reluctant fan of Barton)
A cultured left foot
Only footballers have a cultured left foot! Sounds like something the chiropodist might do...nasty things those fungal infections.
Right foot
No commentator ever says 'He's hit that right footed'.
They usually say something like...
... "he struck it firmly with his favourite right foot..."
Left footed yes
But right footed is never mentioned.
Easy to assume that
But given that Joey barton actually got 10 GCSEs, I'd guess that puts him rather closer to the front of the queue than the back when it comes to academic achievement - though I acknowledge that's not the same thing as common sense, in which he may be less generously endowed.
Depends on the grades I suppose
10 at A-C then fair play (not a phrase he uses often!).
'Proceeding in a countrywards direction...'
...there's two words in common parlance in police reports, yet hardkly used by the average civilian - who probably thought they were simply 'driving out of town' when they were pulled over by the flashing blue lights...
Persons
A lift for example might state that the maximum number it can carry at a time is 8 persons.
Surely everyone would say 8 people.
The word "people" is being squeezed at both ends
I noticed while listening to the candidates' speeches leading up to the last American presidential election that for every candidate and in all cases the more homely word "folks" was obligatory.
e.g. "I don't want the folks who created the mess to do the talking.."
This is as true for those wishing to be seen as intellectuals and modernisers as it is for those portraying themselves as "good ol' boys" and traditionalists.
Engage
I hate that politicians "engage" with people. And community leaders. Don't get me started on them. Who are they exactly?
"community leaders"
...we had a thread about such people a couple of weeks ago. Turns out they're either Oswald Mosley or a man in Leicester with a turban.
Robust
- used only by politicians. Makes them sound even more ridiculous and contemptible.
Football examples:
To 'eye', as in 'Ron Manager eyes Carlos Kickaball to complete his midfield'. Makes the manager sound like Sauron. Hey! 'Sauron Manager'! Just made that up :-)
'Fury'. Contractually obliged to be preceded by 'Fergie'.
Politicians
Also - 'I am minded to....'
Economical with the truth
Bloody liars
Joy Division
Tabloid use of 'joy' as in 'Baby Joy for Kerry'. Or has she just run out of names?
Annoying Radio 4ism
...on the ground. R4 journos are always banging on about services and people etc "on the ground". It's doing my head in.
I recall a particularly good example. During the protracted industrial dispute between BA and cabin crew an interviewer asked a union leader what difference a particular decision would make to cabin crew on the ground.
I'm all across all of these
Whatever the hell that means.
Egress
Egress is a word I have only heard used twice in real life and both times it was by health and safety officers. I asked what a female bird of prey had to do with it and proved that H&S types do not have a sense of humour.
This way to the egress
A word used to great effect by Barnum:
(from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barnum's_American_Museum)
Mrs H used to work with...
...a man who was a text book example of a Health & Safety Officer (also a Total Quality proponent). His overriding characteristic - apart from being a crashing bore - were trousers that were invariably too short.
Long trousers are a trip hazard.
Hence the more sensibly sized trousers...
I was going to say that!
Gutted.
And now the news where you are...
Beloved of TV news "anchors" (oh no that's another one!).
How do they know where I am? There is usually no news from my living room or on the train. Spooky.
"The judge delivered...
what can only be described as a damning verdict" - TV reporter.
Fair enough, but can it "only be" described as this? What about, for example, "condemnatory summary" as an alternative? I've never heard anyone use the phrase "damning verdict" unless they're stood outside a court with a microphone in hand.
Reach out
seems to be used a lot by American business types....."I'm reaching out to you and your colleagues". Perhaps if they asked instead?
The other problem with this is whenever I see or hear it mentioned I always think "Huh....I'll be there...."
One of my American colleagues ...
... used this a lot, thankfully on conference calls where she was in another continent to me and my colleagues, which meant there was no risk in my extending my arms every time she did so.
Breaking news
...perhaps someone ought to fix it then! Usually this is followed by an insignificant piece of information. I suspect people will get so news fatigued that when something really momentous happens they will take no notice! "Apparently the world has just ended dear. Shall I put the kettle on? They are going to interview an academic about it. They say it might affect house prices"
Or 'this just in!'. Conjures up visions of a breathless courier delivering a telegram.
In earnest
Whenever a search for something e.g. a criminal on the run the search always starts "in earnest" according to reporters rather then just starting.
I have never heard anyone use that phrase in normal conversation.
I am off on holiday in earnest!
I imagine
the escaped prisoner 'should not be approached'.
It would be good if a newsreader said: "Authorities have described the escaped man as a 'five-foot nothing streak of piss'; so if you fancy your chances, why not have a go?"
The little uns
are always the most vicious.
It all happens on trains
There is of course, the usual "selection of beverages and hot and cold snacks". My favourite, however, was the super-pompous guard who asked that we have our "travel documents" ready for inspection. We all assumed he meant our tickets rather than passports and customs declarations, but we did also wonder if he would announce that "we will shortly be crossing the border between Kent and Sussex".
Snacks and light refreshments
I'm always disappointed that there isn't the option of 'heavy refreshments'.
At Blackpool North Station the automatic Sonja (as in she getSonja wick), with every announcement says 'This train originates here'. Quite apart from any Darwinian concerns, this is a relief as it's a dead end station.
In more senses than one.
The train
now arriving at platforms 1, 2, 3 & 4 has come in sideways.
I'm, sorry I'll read that again
if I'm not mistaken.
My real name
is Angus Prune
We will shortly be arriving into...
A phrase beloved of train conductors and budget airline stewards. How can you arrive into somewhere?
Here is one possible answer ...
... I've come.
Herer's another
"Please do not leave your personal belongings ON
the station. They may be destroyed or damaged by the security services".If I was going to leave my stuff there I would hardly go to the trouble of climbing up onto the roof first.
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also
Nobody ever "clarifies" anything outside office hours (butter notwithstanding).
Gant
as in "I want you all to draw up a 'gant chart' of your workload'.
She ruined my health and my job, I was 'gantin'* for her to get her comeuppance but I'd been 'consolidated' by then so I never got to see her downfall.
shame really
*first description - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gantin
The phrase "fit for purpose"
isn't.
Just as the new use of the word "broken"
is.
New Labour New buzz phrase
'not fit for purpose'. That was Charles Clarke to blame for that one, wasn't it, when he arrived at The Home Office?
Ironic, really.
Actually
(which is another redundant word) it was Dr John Reid. I met him soon afterwards and he's a very nice chap, quite unlike the bully he comes across as.
Since then I have started working for the Home Office but couldn't possibly comment about whether he'd be justified in saying the same thing again.
Sorry
Sorry, you are quite correct
Sorry
Sorry, you are quite correct again.
Now I know how people keep doing all these double posts. You can edit but you can't delete, unless someone can tell me otherwise.
I'm really energised
by the synergy that we've sourced from that twitter-sized conflab between you guys. The heads-together is the optimal delivery system for thought-showers and lightbulb moments.
See...
...I know you're not being serious, but that kind of talk angries up me blood. You may also say that it makes my piss boil.
Also, when spoken aloud, it makes any right-thinking person switch off immediately.
Just speak England proper you middle-management tools!
Fit for purpose
is a legal phrase around the sale of goods. It's your legal best friend if the item you bought doesn't quite do what it's supposed to do. But it doesn't have to be broken, just not good enough or not what they said it was.
TDA, innit
That's the Trade Descriptions Act 1968, by the way - not the ill-starred supergroup Trower D'Abo & Appice.
Redact springs to mind
This word seemed to get used by G.Brown Esq (remember him...thought not) for a while. What does it mean?
Incidentally, I'm reading Stephen Fry's book 'The Fry Chronicles' just now and it's a good job I've got a Kindle. I say reading but I'm spending more time looking up the meaning of words in the 'Oxford English Dictionary' due to his amazing vocabulary. The difference here is that you know that Mr Fry would, and probably does, use these wonderful words in his everyday conversation, don't you?
blacked out
Lawyers use it quite frequently.
When you see a document and someone has blacked out some words, they have been redacted.
Onward journey
When you leave the plane, do you or anyone else in earshot ever talk about your onward journey? Thought not.
"RyanAir welcomes you to Edinburgh Airport...
...where the temperature is 16 degrees and it's raining, as usual, because it's August in Edinburgh - always a wet month. For those of you who plan to stay exactly here and camp on the tarmac of the runway apron, please don't get squashed by a Boeing 737. We no longer allowed to say 'onward journey' but for those passengers actually going somewhere else, apart from the airport, we hope you get from here to there, wherever there is, in a nice way. If you want to talk to us about car hire or buses, it's too late. Don't mention the trams. Thank you for flying RyanAir."
Key stakeholders
They are probably also Community Leaders with whom you need to engage to arrive at a mutually agreed solution to the issue that was highlighted by an ostracised outlier!
One also has to
identify and engage with the main players.
So much of of this discussion
has been above my pay grade.
Remuneration
As opposed to pay, salary, earnings or wages!
"Oooh goody its remuneration day today!" or
"I blew my entire remuneration down the bookies!"
An accountant speaks
Remuneration is more than just pay, as it includes any extra contributions that an employer might make to an individual (company car, health insurance, employer's pension contributions, taxable subsistence payments etc. etc.). When used appropriately it's a perfectly good word.
Anybody who calls their monthly salary payment their remuneration is, however, a knob.
Agreed...
Agree that there is nothing wrong with the word (or even 'The Word'!) but it is generally only used by HR and accountants (and possibly job interviewees)...
Specificity
...generally only used by HR and accountants on those occasions when it has a specific meaning and is, therefore, used correctly.
Surely that's different from abominations such as 'the next station stop' which just serve to mangle the language and deprive it of the type of contextual clarity provided by the subtle, but important, difference between 'salary' and 'remuneration'?
The Edinburgh-Glasgow train service...
... goes every 15 minutes for most of the day - but the trains don't all stop at the same stations along the way. So the trains at the hour and half hour from Edinburgh might stop at Linlithgow, the trains at quarter past and quarter to might not (if you see what i mean) ...
Consequently, rumbling through West Lothian heading west, the next station that the train whizzes past at 70mph might well be Linlithgow, but the next station stop could be Polmont.
/geek
Authoress
My mother-in-law referred to an 'authoress' the other day, and I think it's the first time I've ever heard it used in real life. A bit like Jewess, it's fallen out of fashion. And as for editrix!
Also, purchased. Who says this? It's normally bought, isn't it?
'I went into town this afternoon and purchased a suit'.
It's stiff and wrong.
Well
You should have gone to a better tailor then.
Purchased? sort of reminds me that
whilst I'm likely to offer my stuff for people's perusal at work, at home I'm happy just to show it off.
I keep my collection of "Padddington" first editions at home
In a room without light to protect their delicate covers.
They are available for your darkest Peru-sal.
(dashes to cloakroom)
Going Forward
I hate this bloody phrase, it used to get used all the time in my old work, to make it sound like they knew what they were doing. Everytime I heard "Going forward" the voices in my head would scream.
"But we're not going forward are we? We're treading water in a bucket of diarrhoea and pretty soon it will be churned into sh1t. Just because you say going forward doesn't actually mean we're going forward, we're staying in the same place and now we're up to our necks in sh!t. It's like being led by Mr Magoo".
I left :)
staying in the same place and now we're up to our necks in sh!t
...it's the public sector you're talking about, isn't it?
also see the private sector
met someone lately i once knew working for a major edinburgh life assurance firm ... not seen her for a few years ... she's mid 40s and has now been through five redundancy situations since 2004
she no longer gives a fuck about "going forward" - she knows she'll get dumped eventually, so it's just a matter of "when?" and "can i have the best possible redundancy, ta?"
senior execs at all financial services PLCs are rather like footballers on £25k a week, on the verge of relegation from the English Premier, with a well dodgy chairman and the ground falling to pieces, the cleaner and turnstile guys about to be sacked, but while the institution goes to hell in a handcart, they are still contractually entitled to £25k a week ...
My god how did you know?
Colin you are 100% correct, trying to get anything done in the public sector was like trying to scratch your way out of an iron glove, and was also filled with sh1t.
I really didn't like my job.
and what about
all those 'issues' we have to deal with at work?
You really have got a lot of issues
Yes, of What Car Magazine!
As always Partridge has the answer
officialdom meets panto
this has the best words-only-used-by-officials/pantomime mash up
The other day I was asked...
To de-train. I believe I may have also de-planed at some point.
The other day I was asked...
To de-train. I believe I may have also de-planed at some point.
Verb-iage
I was once asked to deplane and then to escalate to the arrivals lounge.
Estate agent speak
"Per calendar month"
Twats.
As opposed to every 4 weeks
That's why that is used - to make the distinction.