Entertainment For Lively Minds
Word War One As A Pub Fight
Germany, Austria and Italy are stood together in the middle of the pub, when Serbia bumps into Austria, and spills Austria's pint.
Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit, because there are splashes on its trouser leg.
Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view
Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.
Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for cleaning Austria's trousers.
Russia and Serbia look at Austria.
Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.
Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.
Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.
Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.
Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?
Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.
Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.
Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.
Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.
France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.
Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.
Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings, because Britain made Australia do it.
France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.
America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.
By now all the chairs are broken, and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
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This is full of holes
"Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back" should read "Australia and New Zealand punch The Ottoman Empire, and get punched back", surely?
Well, if you are going to get technical...
...by far the greatest allied loss in the Turkish campaign was sustained by the UK, followed by the French. So a good kicking all round, then, especially for the Turks.
I'm sure you're right
But I assumed the original text was referring to Gallipoli campaign. Is it not?
Same thing
Turkish Campaign == Gallipoli == Dardanelles
It's widely held as an Australia and New Zealand only affair because it was the first battle for the ANZACS, but the rest of the allies were there, in greater numbers, getting just as slaughtered. Mysteriously, perhaps because compared to the sheer carnage going on in Europe, their sacrifice has been all but forgotten.
Thanks
I had no idea.
Mild sycophancy alert
It's this kind of stuff that makes me log in here.
Prior to the fight,
the pub's owners had spent a lot of time setting up a complex drink pricing system designed to make sure a fight would never break out. Any punches thrown were someone else's fault.
Brilliant - have an up.
Would Germany have thrown...
...a glass of Alsatian Pinot Gris over France in a previous pub encounter? And then walked off with the bottle?
Japan would have
kicked over Americas table full of drinks as well. And Denmark would have invited Germany round for a meal.
Presumably Germany
then wakes up broke and with a serious bastard behind the eyes and decides it doesn't like the look of the new cocktail lounge opened by America and leaves vowing to give up alcohol and go to the gym more.
Bah
Just when you think you've conquered this blogging lark, Hepworth gives you a glimpse of the summit
Let me make this clear
I didn't make this up.
It was sent to me from Helmand Province via Putney. God knows who made this up.
Come on Captain
you are at the summits summit. I'm looking forward to your World War 2 as a Fuckwit night out, written using the language of Captcha.
Sod the sycophancy...
...because that's brilliant by anyone's standards, and I've just posted, retweeted and generally disseminated to everyone I can think of, ever.
Thanks, David.
Just one thing
I'm wondering about the notion of "Word War One" [sic] - how would this start? Obviously there have been some minor skirmishes in this generally peaceable territory: we grizzled veterans still recall the incident where Whatsisname made an outrageous assault on Oojemeflip. Battle lines were quickly drawn, but the whole thing blew over quickly, with minimal casualties, some of whom were able to return to the front line after a period of rehabilitation. Then there was the Battle Of Down Arrow, probably the longest-lasting campaign seen in these parts, which eventually resulted in a redrawing of the map.
But a full-on war? Ooh, this would have to involve a hitherto unprecedented offensive, with, for example, the disparate Anti-HJH factions (who have recently lost one of their most powerful members) uniting in a common cause and cutting a swathe through the faithful, probably involving the use of profanities and ad hom insults, culminating in the press-ganging of special forces from the USA, such as "eat me, dickwad" and "this thread is retarded".
Who will save us from this terrible event? I suggest a peace summit, say a week from today. With cake.
This is brilliant
I will be trying to teach WWI over the next few weeks. I'm stealing this.
so am I
and so will I. It might just work for Year 9.
WWII as a series of Big Brother
Day 1: France, Japan, Italy, Germany Great Britain, Poland and Russia enter the house
Day 2: Germany and Poland immediately don't get on. Poland tries to bring horses into the argumant but is bitch slapped down. It emerges that Russa and Germany became friends during the audition process.
Great Britain brings up that he witnessed Germany giving Czechoslovakia a hard time in the suditions and had got its tinmy mate Austria to back him up. Austria has since disappeared
Day 7: The housemates are called to the conference table to be given the news that Poland is no longer in the House. France looks worried and goes to the bedroom and hides behind a wall of pillows
Day 245: Germany walks round the pillows and France rolls over on its back.
Day 376: The Jungle Cats (Germany\ Italy & Russia) and the Vera Lynns (England and new housemates The Commonwealth) split into two camps
Day 765: Japan, who had previously been in the next door secret bedsit voting out Manchuria, and scaring Australia is allowed into the main house and attacks America, a housemate who had been living in the garden since the series started and observing what was happening. America luckily is a tough bastard, it didn't hurt and joins the 'Verss'
For next three years there is the usual round of arguments. England tries to warn Russia that Germany is going to nominate them but Russia says that Germany has promised not to and that England are just being false. Italy joins the 'Vera' camp when its clear that Germany no longer like him which causes 'Fight Night II'.
Great Britain and america developa 'special relationship' and can be heard whispering about germany. Producers try and find out if anything is going on under the covers in an incident the tabloids dub 'The Battle Of the Bulge'.
England recieves messages from its colonies suggesting there is a lot of love for them out there. Germany tries to get Russia evicted for rule breaking but doesn't manage it. Russia slowly gets all the other countries on its side until Germany walks and gets a lucrative contract with a car company.
Day 2200: With only Japan left from the 'Jungle cats' group, America punches them on the nose and Japan jumps over the wall.
Who has won.....you decide
Surely Word War One
began with Mark Ellen annexing David Hepworth's Sudatenland? That's the pump next to the Guinness.
Or was that the William Hague story?
And here's WW2
summed up in 3.14
That's brill - was only vaguely aware
of it in Robert Wyatt's version and had assumed it was a Wyatt original. So thanks for posting.
As for original post - that's brill too - whoever thunk it up
History Today
You see that obscenely powerful military/industrial complex that's been a victor in a World War but has subsequently allowed its Banking sector to piss and shit all over its own bedding?
Yes.
That's you, that is.
To be continued the following night when ….
Spain spends the lunchtime session in the bar on his own practicing for the evening but manages to punch his own lights out.
Austria announces a gay liaison with Germany and Germany suggests that everyone returns the money taken from his wallet.
France suggests that Germany should go forth and multiply and Britain tells everyone to calm down and goes out to the beer keller with Germany. Germany gives Britain a serviette as a memento and they both sign it with a heart.
Czechoslovakia and Poland walk in and Czech catches Germany eying them up and Britain tells Germany to lay off.
Czech refuses to go out with Germany so Germany goes round to Czech’s place and smashes up the living room.
Poland catches Germany eying them up and Britain tells them to lay off and calls Germany a slag. Britain sulks and suggests the date is off if Germany goes on eying the boys.
Poland refuses to do it in the bar with Germany so Germany goes round to Poland’s place and smashes half the living room. Russia pops round and smashes the other half.
Britain and France bash Germany over the head with a Pickled Gherkin
Germany is hurt hardly at all but with a single blow lays out France as well as Belgium and Holland for just being there and drives Britain out of the bar
Germany goes to all the singles bars and has his way with just about everyone in the neighbourhood, except Russia who is a very big boy indeed.
Italy comes in and starts making eyes at Germany. Germany tells Italy to stop being so bloody embarrassing. Greece is doing no harm so Italy smashed him with a barstool.
Russia is serving drinks and Germany takes him roughly from behind when he gets a drink from the lower shelf
….
As an end to it all Germany decides he wants to go straight again. It turns out that America was the landlord all along and he gets everyone to pay for all the damage. America, and Britain France Germany and their friends decide to try out Russia’s new bar ‘The Drapes’ – they walk into the bar and (ouch) it was an iron bar.
It's funny...
but Facebook WW2 keeps the trophy
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=47948