I refer to apples which are no longer fresh and have a horrible grainyness as "wooly" which Mrs.T insists I made up, though I'm sure I got it from somewhere.

I originally used this with a very rude former boss who skipped over the apology he owed me for the last bit of rudeness. He stopped in his tracks, thought over the last parts of our conversation and blushed.

It is a useful way of pointing out to the hard-of-understanding that offence has been generated and no apology has been offered.

Also, as a large Jock who works with English people a lot, in an environment where "industrial language" is common, I have found great relase in saying things like "Crikey, that's a bit disappointing" when some more in line with early Billy Connolly is expected from me.

anything by The Killers, U2, Coldplough etc.

So if someone asks me something I don't know the answer to, I say 'boh', which translates as 'I don't know!'. It's a wonderful word, very expressive when said right.

Since Friday I've been trying to crowbar lines from the film "Anvil!" into my conversations with people who haven't seen it and have no idea what I'm on about. For example:
"That's dedication, pal."
"I try..."
"Thumbs will twist."
"Anvil! Very good! Anvil! Very good!" (admittedly, that's a tricky one).

Which is, of course, John Geilgud's response to Dudley Moore announcing he's going to have a bath in 'Arthur'.

I have used this for years whenever anyone makes a similar mundane statement of intent and never - never - has anyone either a) recognised the source or b) laughed.

is my pompous response in such circumstances...

Blurted out as a teenager when complaining to my now late lamented father about something or other. Meant to utter "crumbs!" (as in crikey), "it's not fair dad" but got the words jumbled up. Cue hysterical laughter from brothers and parents, and a lifetime's ridicule.

I like that a lot. I'm going to nick that one.

If someone makes a comment that seems particuarly daft or outlandish (and I get on reasonably well with them) I mutter - 'Sorry - was overlooking the obvious.'

(I can't remember if I've heard that used or not. Anyone heard it somewhere before?)

Also, thanks to the film '300', whenever I perform an act of brief, and often pathetic, physical exertion (removal of a very obstinate cork or lid, say), I find myself crying out, 'SPAAAAAAAAARTAAAAA!'

Thing is, you should all try it, it's very therapeutic.

Was a catchphrase between a school chum of mine, Tim Davis, and myself. It was said in a sort of Alan Partridge style (As in "back of the net"). Seemed humorous at the time...

A joke between me and my best chum when we were about 9.

This was done in the style of football commentators on a panel when an incident needs brief acknowledgement. Neither of us are called Brian or John, and nothing further was said.

No offence chaps but a tremendous amount of the above reads like a dialogue between Tommy Saxondale and Jeremy Clarkson.

You can't invent your own catchphrase! It's like choosing your own nickname. Other people decide both of them and then mercilesly rip the piss out of you about it!

The phrase I overuse, and am no doubt lampooned at work for, is "and soforth". Jesus, I feel like a twat even typing that.

Universal, if affectionate term of derision.
(Is HO YUSS really a Richmal Crompton? I used to love those books with their street patois (joke) of the 50s. I thought it was that Churchill dog, as will most people if you use it. It's terrible when references are misunderstood: I remember being terribly impressed by the manager at a hotel where I did holiday jobs singing "When will I see you again", sotto voce, which to me is clearly the throwaway line in Neil Youngs "A man needs a maid". He went so up in my estimation, until I later heard the 3 Degrees.....)

Goatboy has a point, I feel slightly like a ponce revealing my own self-made catchphrase - uttered when time to leave somewhere and go somewhere else. I only mention it because a good friend who lives several hundred miles away appears to have come up with it at the same time as I did ...

came out with a good one last week when describing a colleague's absence of computer skills - "The problem lies between the back of the chair and the keyboard ... a sort of fleshware problem".

Amused me.

Someone once pointed out that this was my catchphrase after he caught me saying it twice in one day: "Who knows? Who cares? I don't."

Also I came up with, "The problem with technology is...it's crap" for whenever technology lets someone down. Which has made at least one bank teller smile.

If he ever gets caught out at some indiscretion that he thinks is trivial (but others may not) he always says, "I was only robbing the register."

He says it often enough for it to be considered a catchphrase. Dylan fans will recognise it.

Is a phrase made up in my house, I think. It's when long-lost items are found in strange places after having been tidied away by visiting relatives.

... would respond deadpan to almost any suggestion with the words 'I'd rather slit my sack'. It never ever ceased to be funny.

"I'll get my stuff" - meaning 'yes, excellent idea'

"I'm right in the middle of something Ray" - I got lucky with a lady

"Are you a God?" - when you don't know the answer to a question but you're going to make something up.

....is always my reply to my boss when he asks what I've been doing for the last hour or two. I've usually been skiving!

It's not mine and I can't remember where I heard it. Vague recollection of a tv advert for Penguin biscuits??

"Hold on a minute there" in Glaswegian

Likewise

"Getitupye" as in, er, "get it up you" - a bit rude that one.

Howzabout

"Will ye gie us peace?"

"Leave me alone" or indeed "will you please be quiet" depending on context.

OK they are not my own, though I do use them on occasion (Getitupye more regularly to be honest) but these and many more such phrases can be found in the grittiest slice of street life to be found on a DVD box set, and much better than the Wire

STILL GAME

A la Professor Farnsworth in Futurama as a response to each new catastrophe at work over the last few months. It leavens the gloom in this parish, if only momentarily.

... is a good one when someone blasts you with a load of opinionated tripe. They sometimes take it as a compliment which is even more amusing

... also has its place in Raftery's Sardonic Riposte phrasebook

... is a useful one which can be used to justify ignoring anyone or anything

serves to explain the transient nature of thought, taste, fashion and just about everything else. I have loads of others but need to save 'em for myself.

Just one word taken from a classic Derek & Clive sketch about visiting your mother.

Great to sign off emails, texts etc.

Mother?

"Shite and onions" is mine. It comes from Ulysses.

Another popular one which I only use to annoy people is "Nothing can possibly go wrong." That, unfortunately, is one of my own devising.

Father of Ganglesprocket calls cash points "money spitters." That one has spread amongst my friends... He also calls dogs "shite machines." He is way funnier than me...

Old one: In reply to a suggestion that we found agreeable - "I can go for that / Yes can do" - with an optional "Whoa-ho", if desired.

Current: If I'm getting impatient - "C'mon, we'll never get the baby out with the bathwater at this rate..."

Nicked (from Mitchell and Webb): In reply to someone expressing sensible doubts about a suggested course of action - "What possible reason could you have for NOT (suggested course of action)?"

... is a useful putdown when someone is bragging about their latest state of the art acquisition. Basically it is about inferior types over-compensating and comes in very handy when some little squirt is explaining why his BMW is superior to just about any other blah blah and indeed blah.

... usually stops people in their tracks. Similarly, 'I would opine...', or 'I would portend...'.

...you thinking about
"workworkbusybusybangbangpushpush"?
Was an advert of some desription.

When Scotsport was in its prime, and current Sky host Jim White was the the presenter, resident hack and "expert summariser" Gerry McNee talked his usual contentious drivel, Jim would look at him and say..
"Thats tough talking, Gerry"
I use it now when someone talks absolute sh*te about anything.
Used to confuse my boss, whose name was Robert.

"There's a wee bit of argy bargy at the lineout". Which to the layman means that very big fellows are battering the hell out of each other but it will be all right because they'll all have a drink in the bar afterwards and laugh about it. Not STRICTLY true, as a rugby player of 30 years plus, I have witnessed a a fair few punch ups in the bar as well.

And more from Arthur Montford

"Up go the heads!"

Taken to mean that when a ball was crossed into the box, the rest of the players' bodies stayed on the ground.

Oh happy black and white days.

More legendary Scottish football commentary from the doyen of radio.

"What a stoater!" (A stoater is a good thing and I actually do use this phrase"

" A drive and a goal"

" The weather at Fir Park is mince!"

Or Archie Macpherson at the infamous cup final riot in 1979(I think) between Rangers and Celtic

"These people really hate each other!" (You don't say)

"It's like a scene from Apocalypse now!" (apart from the napalm)

I think that's enough reminiscing - I'm off to my scratcher.

(At last a genuine phrase that I use)

... just prior to my long, 230 mile drive back home: 'Well guys, I would like to say that it's been a great pleasure ... I'd like to say that, but unfortunately, it hasn't'. (The sound of ribs cracking follows me out the door!)

...is one in constant use where i work here in the midlands...usually aimed at management regarding some process or guideline which has been met with disproval.

They are quickly silenced by

James Sanderson.

To Scottish men of my vintage Mr Sanderson (and it was always Mr Sanderson. No James or Jimmy for him) was the doyenne of the phone-in. As much a part of the game as weird crisps you never saw anywhere else, Wagon Wheels and the Evening Times "Pink".

Despite my disparaging remarks elsewhere on this thread I suddenly realised I use one of his catchphrases fairly reguarly.

Most often used when fending off an ill thought out challenge to my opinions or ideas. "Were you at the game, caller?".

I find MARHINGE a very nice alternative to the Cword

can be used expletively or descriptively

I find MARHINGE a very nice alternative to the Cword

can be used expletively or descriptively

I find MARHINGE a very nice alternative to the Cword

can be used expletively or descriptively

I find myself saying that a lot when surprised or thwarted.

aged 10 or so, when asked to complete a well known proverb, came up with

"one man's meat is another man's gravy".

As the years pass this only becomes more profound ...

whenever asked to do something he would rather not would often reply, after administering a long look of fathomless disdain,

'I'd rather paint me balls orange'

Which I thought was fair enough.

which may emanate from some skit or other but can be reliably applied as a rejoinder to such phrases as "Go to a Richard Thompson gig? I can't think of anything worse"