First album didn't sell? Forget it - there's no such thing as artist development over a few records before they make it big.

...wouldn't have got past the first audition with his dodgy eyes and less-than-perfect teeth.

What with wonky teeth, different colour eyes, et al

But wouldn't X-Factor be so much more fun if Lindsey Kemp was on the judging panel

would have had Simon Cowell pissing himself:

"That's not singing. That's just talking. Where the hell are the tunes?"

"Thing is, Bob, I like you, right? You've got a certain charm about you. You could even make the semi finals. But, take it from me, if you want to get on in this business, you have got to decide what kind of singer you're going to be. You can't be switching all the time from acoustic ballads to electric amphetamine-fuelled anthems to roots music to Christian rock. Just how do you expect an audience to keep up with you? And forget about this songwriting thing - it's given way too much importance. I've been in this business a long time. Take my advice."

It’s hard to think of any significant artist in the history of pop music in the rock’n’roll era who would get through the X Factor process. Except perhaps Michael Jackson.
But then these shows aren’t really about music are they?
I think the Daily Mash, as ever, hits the nail on the head:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-%26-entertainment/cheryl-cole-to...

They'd be moaning about the whiny voice, the depressing lyrics.
As for Van. Would he even have got past the initial filter?

How many records by someone who appears on a show like X Factor would make it into our record collections?

Louis Walsh wouldn't know a decent singer/song if it punched him in the nose. He is the very definition of someone who confuses success for talent.

Now a pretty girl (or pretty boy maybe) who can get sixteen notes into one syllable and who can sell a million copies before they've even recorded the track...or before the gullible public know which one of them is even going to be recording the track, that seems to fit the bill.

The X Factor isn't about music though. It's up there with the Jungle thingy and Big Brother for certain people to watch whilst they're waiting for GMTV to come on.

Urgh!

..they'd keep the blonde one (after a month in a fitness camp) ditch the redhead and send the two trolls off behind the scenes where they belonged.

would have been unlikely to reappear until the final when they would join the auditioners special song.

...I don't want to hear one of your own songs, and you'll have to lose those ridiculous glasses, you look like Elvis Costello..."

Given that Saturday's final featured three renditions - of varying quality, but all dressed up in melismatic sincerity and just massively inappropriate - of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, Cohen himself wouldn't have stood a chance. But then again, if you'd said a year ago or four that this show would climax with this song - among other things, a celebration of the orgasm - I wouldn't have believed you.