Entertainment For Lively Minds
Who do you NOT turn to?
We all need advice sometimes, for a variety of things that puzzle us. I was musing about this when it struck me that there would be obvious persons around who would slip nicely into the "last person on Earth to approach" category for giving you said advice. I'll illustrate this with some examples and then turn the conundrum over to the Massive to share their experience.
The last person on Earth that I would approach for advice on clean living and sobriety would be....Pete Docherty!
The last person on Earth that I would approach for advice on dieting and good dress sense would be....Beth Ditto!
The last person on Earth that I would approach for advice on the importance of progressive rock to modern music would be....Johnny Rotten!
Over to you....
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Rotten...
I don't know, you might be surprised - he has a pretty broad taste in music, he likes his reggae and krautrock that's for sure.
I wouldn't ask Paddy Macaloon or Robert Wyatt about male grooming though.
Rotten revisited
Big fan of Van Der Graaf Generator too, I believe.
More Rotten
He also was a big fan of Captain Beefheart.
And he liked Pink Floyd...
despite wearing that T-shirt to the contrary.
Why Not ?
Good beard. I might grow one myself when I finally renounce my vanity to the maraudations of time. Older, Wrinkled, Louche ( options apply ) and Knowing seems to me the only way....
Fairly famously asked
Robert Plant for the lyrics to Kashmir...
Marriage
The last people on Earth I would go to for marriage advice are Paula Yates, Bob Geldof, Michael Hutchence, Heather Mills and Paul McCartney.
Why Bob Geldof?
He has hardly been Steve Earl-like in his approach to tying the knot.
tips on masterbation
michael hutchence
Obvious, but still…
LPOEIGTF dental-health advice: Shane McGowan
LPOEIGTF mental-health advice: Roky Erickson/Brian Wilson
Last person....
I'd ask about childcare would be Woody Allen
second last surely
you'd have to go a long way to beat Gary Glitter...
[aside]
or Josef Fritzl
or Fred West
actually, compared to that, Woody's like a nursery teacher, isn't he?
Because...
...there's a fine line between a cheap laugh and a Fritzl joke...
Why - is Glitter still...
... living in the Far-East?
LPOEIGTF...
I would take advice on about not looking like earth's only non-man made satellite is ..... laughing Boy from Keane
Whom
It should be Whom do you not turn to.
I'll get me coat.
actually, if we're being pedantic
shouldn't that be to whom do you not turn?
I haven't got a coat.
Who do you turn to, who do you get in touch with? The Manager!
This is, of course, taken from the excellent discussion about visiting the Top Rank Ballroom on 'Derek and Clive Live'.
"You pay five shillings to get into the Top Rank Ballroom only to have a f***ing gorilla f**k the arse of your f***ing wife!"
ending with:
"And with all the dignity I could muster, I asked him: "Is this any way to run a f***ing ballroom?"
If the grammar is good enough for Pete & Dud, it should be good enough for you lot!
Rod Lidl
for...well, for anything really
If you've got swine flu
you wouldn't pay Harold Shipman a visit, would you (if he were still around)?
Helter Skelter...
LPOEIGTF advice on fairground attractions...Charles Manson
LPOEIGTF advice on the perfect fry-up...Chrissie Hynde
bargepole
is the LPOEIGTF advice on speaking in the 1st person singular.
I'd avoid Michael Jackson's
accountant, personal trainer and doctor.
I might give his lawyer a go, though.
A Republican
if I need medical treatment but am unemployed.
LPOEIGTFAO AC/DC - DH
Never heard anything by them apparently.
The last person I would go to for advice on how to...
retract my hand from a bird's arse would be Rod Hull.
Aye, but Billy Connolly
could give you some good advice on keeping it away from you in the first place.
Mark Lamarr tells an anecdote about Snoop Doggy Dogg
standing on Rod Hull's head. Sean Lock and Lee Mack, during a hugely enjoyable episode of "TV Heaven Telly Hell", paid tribute to Rod Hull. The man was an absolute genius when it came to throwing yourself into a chest freezer for comic effect. A Channel 4 documentary about Rod Hull verified a unusual fact about the man. I'm saving it for the "Famous People with Enormous Penises" thread.
The last person I would go to for advice on how to...
establish a rapport with an audience would be Lou Reed.
The last person I would go to for advice on how to
be an easy go lucky sort of chap is Van Morrison
The last person I would go to for advice on how to...
excise cosmic hippy bollocks from my vocabulary would be Jon Anderson.
The last person I would have gone to for advice on how to...
love myself for who I am would have been Michael Jackson.
The last person I would go to for clear advice on how to...
urgently defuse a ticking time bomb would be Professor Stanley Unwin.
Firstly to defuse-aplo a tickety time bombalard...
Brilliant!
That gave me a giggle, then I thought about Jack Douglas (Way-hayyy - has he gone?)
Stanley Unwin.
He liked jazz. Here's a quote from the man himself making this quite clear.
'Who cannot apreciakers the leaders such as .Satchy. John Dodgey, Jacky in the Tea Garden, Woodman Herm, Artful Shorm, Ben Goodymamber and the boppy-mods, Charles Parky, Dizzy Glips, The Loans Monkey, Davey Brewbetter and Smiley Daves, many more to include addy finite em as to need throoty form pages to note, so suffice to say and cease it there.'
I'd like to listen to Charles Parky and Smiley Davis too.
Bye bye tiddly bumlode.
The last band on earth I would choose to listen to
would be The Grateful Dead
Mind you - a few contenders jostling away for that slot
The last person I would go to for advice on how to...
achieve a Zen-like purity through the slow and gentle repetition of an achingly-beautiful musical phrase would be Yngwie Malmsteen.
The last person I would have gone to for advice on how to...
leave an audience begging for more would have been Jerry Garcia.
The last person I would go to for advice on how to...
write English in the first person singular would be...
the last person to consult on how to
sort out the country in the next 9 months - Gordon Brown
be funny and not suck up to chat show guests - Jonathan Ross
be humble and reserved - Bono
lead a fulfilling and happy life - The Roman Catholic Church
keep a really good rock'n'roll band going - Axl Rose
keep things in perspective - David Icke
find real talent - Simon Cowell
betray your best mate and leave him dying in the field of battle - Rolf Harris.
Rolf is also the LPOEIGTF advice on
non-returning boomerang scenarios.
No
that would be Charlie Drake's department
the last person I go to for learning to write an original song
would be Jimmy Page
Kashmir
not original? Immigrant Song? Ten Years Gone? Custard Pie? Achilles Last Stand
and the blues or folk via Zep was a pretty visceral and innnovative interpretation wasn't it - issues of acknowledgement aside?
If I wanted a film reviewer to whet my appetite for my next
trip to the cinema, without spoiling all the surprises the film I'm about to see has to offer, the last film reviewer I would turn to is Mark "open my mouth and spew out everything I know" Kermode.