Just abolish second serves altogether. What other sport do you get 2 chances in? If you miss the target in a penalty shootout, you don't get a second chance. If the ball is wide in cricket, the umpire doesn't say "fault - have another go son"

The server would then have to decide whether he or she wanted to risk a big one or be more conservative. It would create longer rallies and big hitting serve and volley specialists wouldn't be as dominant.

Just a theory.

Any team fielding a player called Richie McCaw should should start the game from -15 points. The team fielding said player will still probably win, but with just a single-figure margin.

Ban all non-english players from the Carling Cup.
Scrap replays in the FA cup.
Put expiry dates on all replica kits.
Scrap the Football Creditors Rule.
Scrap all parachute payments.
Replace the Community Shield with England v Scotland.

For the Carling Cup I'd have any non-Premiership team drawn against a Premiership able to decide where they want to play it.
So if the draw is Arsenal v Barnet, the Bees can decide to play in front of 60,000 against the Arsenal youth team and lose 6-0, or they could take same lily-livered Arsenal youth team out of their comfort zone and put the fear of God into them at Underhill.....and probably win.

Bit harsh if the draw is Blackpool v Leeds but for the greater good I think it would improve the competition.

The only person who can talk to the ref during the game is the team captain.

Talking back, dissent and ref abuse is punished by moving the freekick, throw etc 10 yards forward.

Stop fining managers who say the ref had a stinker. Refs do sometimes have stinkers and preventing people from saying so does no one any good.

Ban Sepp Blatter from presenting trophies. It used to be so much better when the local President, Queen, Prime Minister or such like did so.

They're selfish and insulting to the other team.

Run and up down and scream your head off with joy, certainly. But don't all stand in a line and effectively take the piss out of the other lot.

An end to tactical substitutions.

A return to proper scrums.

Cancel the Autumn internationals

Stop farting around with the rules which has just led to supporter and player confusion.

My suggestions:

Football
* New strips have to last for two seasons - to stop the money-making clubs from bringing out new kit twice in a season
* Football is a winter game - so no professional matches between end April and September. In fact - stop playing it in the summer full stop
* gizmos for off-sides, balls going over goal line - other sports can do - why not football

Rugby Union
* Stop tickets for the internationals being offered to the clubs first and put them on general public sale
* Kicking from inside the 22 - why shouldn't the ball bounce in touch before going out
* ping-pong kicking - boring and time-wasting
* reduce number of penalty offences

Formula 1
* Team orders - if you have to have them - penalise teams for being too obvious about them
* Retired F1 drivers - save the general embarrassment by not allowing them to come back

I'm that strange thing, an Irish Wednesdayite. Don't ask.

I got into music, books and films because sport is rubbish, I'm crap at all of them and would run several miles to avoid conversation on the topic with anyone who actually gave a monkeys. However in my completely inexpert view I would do this lot.

Football
- Two zeros to be knocked off of players salaries and players forced to attend evening classes to make them less thick. The subjects could be anything at all; English, History, Geography, Accountancy, Plumbing, Biochemistry anything. Just get some blooming hinterland of any kind you morons.
- Mandatory execution for any pundit who speculates on England's chances of winning any tournament at all. They have no chance. Ever. Deal with it suckers.
- Football fans to be given a compulsory sense of perspective on pain of vicious chinese burn to be administered by Jason Statham.

I don't know anyone who does any other sport, therefore they tend not to bore me to death. Therefore I am magnanimous. Until I meet anyone who likes rugby, golf, formula one, cricket or tennis and who will annoy me by wittering on a great length about them, I shall remain cool and detatched. But I would allow boxers some proper weapons.

I believe CERN are turning their attention to this problem once the Higgs Boson has been satisfactorily dealt with. Rumour has it they are to produce a downloadable free Windows screen-saver which will use redundant processor cycles to work out a way of explaining the rule in plain English. If enough people install the free screensaver, they expect to have a collaboratively computed answer within a decade.

In reality the football offside rule is probably more complicated and open to interpretation than the rugby one.

Merge all running events. Everyone starts off at the same time, and medals awarded for first past the post at 100, 200, 400, 800, 1500, 10000 and Marathon.

Should be able to get the Olympics out the way in a couple of days. Hell, lets throw in the hurdles and steeplechase as well. And cycling.

Can someone verify this?
Apparently Tottenham plc have 6 (S.I.X.) different kits for the new season. Home and Away kits for the Premiership, the F.A. Cup and the...erm...'Champions' League.

It would be nice to think that some Tottenham fans could forego this farce and go and support Barnet or a local non-league club with the money saved.

Have an accurate clock that is paused during breaks in play in the stadium and on the TV screen. Then we would know to the second how much time is left. None of this approximate 2 or 3 extra minutes.

It works in sports like rugby, American football, ice hockey, basketball etc,so why not football ?

Simply round up some crims, bus them to the sticks and hunt the little sods down with shotguns. Save money on hay and tack, reduce the population and raise the Darwin coefficient with every meet. Keep the damn animal rights buggers quiet too. View halloo!

top 4 don't play in the FA Cup. It won't degrade it, it will improve it. Someone like Stoke could win it or Fulham or Southampton.

Cricket, all umpires should be allowed to slap Stuart Broad over any act of petulance. There should be 2 divisions in test cricket.

Boxing, 1 champion at every weight division who must defend against the mandatory challenger.

Darts, Phil Taylor to play off 701. He is brilliant, the best ever and the best there ever will be but watching him win time after time is testing even my ability to watch.

In a sport rife with all manner heinous bastardry, Fernando Alonso remains by far and away the biggest w***er ever to have sat behind the wheel of an F1 racing car. With the FIA under my direction he will only be allowed to continue in the sport if he agrees to grow a villainous moustache and race while wearing a billowing cape and a black top hat. New rules will grant him licence to kidnap the wives and girlfriends of rival F1 drivers and tie them to nearby railway tracks, while any racing footage of him will be accompanied dramatic piano music.

Football

Substitutes will be banned, with players expected to man-up to a full 90 minutes on the pitch. In the event of injury the manager will be permitted a select member of the crowd to play as a replacement for the incapacitated footballer. This will hopefully have the effect of reconnecting fans with the game, as well as emphasising the common ground between professional and amateur players.

If Golfers are professionals, they should be able to cope with noise and people moving around.

At a golf tournament recently, I was shocked at the rudeness of caddies telling people to shut the **** up. If Track and Field athletes can concentrate and focus with a packed stadium and other sports going on all around them, why can't golfers?

should be tested for drugs and alcohol before every match. And if they haven't got any in their system then they should be disqualified.

Take the entire top brass of FIFA, Olympic Committee, RFU, FA, Premier League, ECB/ICC, FIA and stick them on one of the smaller of the Faroe Islands with a few hungry polar bears. Stand back and watch your favourite ruined sport dramatically improve.

Insert own joke here..............

Players only qualify for the county of their birth.

...would have prevented such players as Jack Hobbs, Peter May, Colin Cowdrey, Ted Dexter and Ian Botham from playing county cricket.

And me.

Obviously these would be abolished under my benign reign. Nobody has ever said anything interesting while standing panting and exhausted after giving their all in their chosen sport, whether it's Phil Jones, Garth Crooks, Sally Gunnell or whoever.

Test cricket would be available free-to-air, certainly home matches.

Footballers would be forced (if necessary) to do some meaningful community/charity work, with minimal publicity, at least until their commitment had been proven beyond all reasonable doubt.

Sepp Blatter and Jack Warner to be frog marched out of FIFA, to the jeers of the public.

Allow some unreserved seating and/or standing areas in grounds.

Ban the playing of "Tom Hark" after every bloody goal.

I agree that any pathetic choreographed, pre-planned goal celebration should be banned but I would add the punishment of a yellow card. Obviously to Tim Cahill for his boxing bout with the corner flag, but especially anyone doing that arm raised wrist crossed gesture - showing solidarity for some jailbird ex-team mate doing time for slapping a girl for refusing their advances in China White's.

Stop giving cards to players celebrating with fans or for taking their shirts off when scoring a vital goal. What's the problem, let players enjoy their football.

Stop this stupid rule that an offence can't be punished in retrospect if a referee "see's" the incident. Yes, he might have seen it but he might have got it wrong. This might stop more of the cheating and diving, but more importantly punish violently over the top challenges that somehow a ref contrives to give only a yellow card for.

Any player waving an imaginary card in front of the ref trying to get his opponent sent off should be red-carded and banned for 3 games.

Arjen Robben should get a 3 match ban every time he squeals and falls over rolling around on the ground after being tapped on the ankle.
This also goes for any player who, in diving to the ground, screaming in terrible agony, still has the courage to look at the referee in mid-air to see if he has been sucked in by the acting routine.

Let's have Knock-out games only in every Tournament, be it domestic, Champions League or World Cup.

That should do it!

cup winning ceremonies with all those ludicrous fireworks and wedding confetti. Just stick to the old style; a simple handshake with one dignitary, lift the cup and cue wild unbelieving hysteria from happy fans waving replica Ashes urns and out of shape tinfoil fa cups.

Put Sepp Blatter in a straightjacket so he can't ponce around in front of the world cup winners.

Restore the balcony at Lords so winners can take their applause and allow wild carousing on the outfield.

Take the seats out of the lower part of the Tavern stand so we can have a return to tuneless and drunken afternoon singing. It was part of the fun of finals and big test matches of the past.

Restore a semblance of humility to FIFA so we do not have a repeat of the obscenity of seeing Nelson Mandela being wheeled about before the world cup final when he clearly had no wish to be there.

Restore standing areas at football grounds and allow for people to pay at the gate on the day.

Improve catering, selection of beers at any ground and bring the prices down, 4 quid for a pint at Lords - ridiculous.

As above cricket should come back to the BBC, can't see a sodding thing on Channel 5.

Across the board, less self importance and smugness amongst the governing bodies. It's sport and it should be fun.

ban sport.

Job done.

Sorry, I'll go back to the Beatles threads now.

None of this 'one at a time' nonsense.

Line them all up at the top and blow a whistle or something.

First to get to the bottom wins.

Oh, and any 'sport' that requires a panel of judges to hold up a card with a score on it.

Ban it. It's not a sport, it's a game show.

... football clubs would have to remain in the place where they were founded. Ars*n*l could f**k off back to Woolwich for a start.

They should definitely bring back some standing areas. All seater grounds have little atmosphere and it's just an excuse for football clubs to overcharge punters.

And, while I'm at it, squash should be an olympic sport. How can golf be in the Olympics? .. and womens boxing?? Yet one of the great tests of fitness and skill is not in the Olympics. It's ludicrous.

Football: this is from a wonderful letter in yesterdays Guardian; increase the tax on Premier league footballers playing in the uk to say 60%. All the foreigners would disappear, no club outside of the UK would want one of our players so we would be back to our old insular selves (i.e. prior to 1990). Youth would be given a chance, wages would drop, we would still win fuck all but would not have monsters like John Terry or Ashley Cole.

Just allow the other team to kick off as soon as all their players are in their own half. If the other lot are too busy "rocking babies" or impersonating aeroplanes and are out of position, that's just tough.

Remove Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townshend from any TV coverage.

Tennis

Like the golfing moan above, why do we have to have silence before a serve? A well-timed shout of "You've got sweat stains under your arms" could make the game a lot more entertaining and unpredictable.

Formula 1

Slowest cars in practice have to drive the other way round the track on race day. With any luck that will kill this "sport" off.

where the participants wear garish and/or ill-fitting street clothes and don't even raise a sweat - golf, snooker, darts etc - should no longer be dignified with the name "sport" and should henceforth be reclassified under "games" or "pastimes" alongside chess, Monopoly, shove ha'penny, backgammon, happy families and bar skittles.

Golf is my particular pet hate. It may be a laugh to play (I guess) but golf has to be the least gratifying spectator sport ever. The most interesting part is observing those saddos who traipse across the fields in all weathers keeping up with the play. They crowd around the green craning their necks to follow the unfeasibly tiny ball, only to be roundly abused by the multi-millionaire players for coughing, whispering or daring to take a photo.

Sometimes proceedings are enlivened when one of the players removes his brogues, rolls up the legs of his smart but casual slacks and gingerly wades into the drink to retrieve a wayward ball.

On even rarer occasions one of the aforementioned movable phalanx of spectators may even cop an enthusiastically struck tiny, dimpled projectile squarely on the noggin.

Serves 'em right!

“Sir, I’m feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft – It’s because of poncy names. That’s what it is. Remember in the old days, when football players kicked a brown ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell which was laced up with piano wire?

Well, in them days players could only survive the rigors of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy. Fucking tough names for tough men, them were. And what do we have now? Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie. Fucking tarts’ names, they are. Great big fucking puffs.

No wonder the ball’s like a fucking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread. In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks. Fucking shin pads in them days was made out of library books, and socks was like sackcloth.

Same with the jerseys. Fucking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody’s hairless chest can breathe and he doesn’t get a chill. Fuck off. Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe’s finest wearing a fucking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fucking did.

No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them. And they never used to show their arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He’d have got one of them size 10 hobnail fuckers up his bastard chuff.

Fucking therapy for stress my arse! Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counseling. What the fuck is that all about? In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, specially after a bad defeat. And the women used to expect it, and so they should have. They were lucky to be married to footballers.

Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month. Soft twat. Archie McShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day. And he scored two goals. That’s cos his name wasn’t “Trevor”. Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any “stress counselling”? Did he bollocks!

And drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh, no. In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you were lucky if you got that. By half time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up class A narcotics.

Goal celebrations? Don’t talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh! I’d like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner. Handshakes…and that was all you got. That and a wank in the showers afterwards. But it was a proper wank…all man stuff. None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard, allegedly.

In them days, there was nowt wrong with it cos it didn’t mean nowt. They used to say there was a “gay atmosphere” in the dressing room after the match. But it didn’t mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen. Aye. I know. Me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fucking week! Ha! I wouldn’t pay ‘em tuppence. Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get…a month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It’s true, you know. Fucking is. Players had to work them days just to make up their money. Not like today. Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford shithouse cleaner. He had to go off during one game because someone had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend. And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model…though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again. If you’re having a kid, don’t even consider puffy names and shite names like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years’ time? The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fucking Chesney. Fuck that! Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf. And then just maybe England will stand a chance of winning the World Cup again.

Kind of related to this is a comment I recently made to my wife. It was one of those nights when you're waiting for something on TV and it's held up because the annoying sporting tournament you have no interest in hasn't finished on time. In this case it was golf, and we sat through nearly an hour of lemon-sweatered oafs (oaves?) bashing balls around. Some of them even got it in the hole, and this prompted my observation.

Me: "When they've knocked the ball in the hole, why do they have to pull the ball out, lift it up and show it to the crowd? Does the crowd not believe it really went in?"

Wife: "They're not showing them the ball. They're just acknowledging the applause and happen to be holding the ball."

Me: "Ah, right."

I still think my version is better.

...surely the time has come to abolish the leg-bye.

You missed it. No, you can't have a run.

1 - Shirt pulling is the most obnoxious bit of cheating in the game, and they ALL do it, so the players should only be allowed to wear underpants. This might also stop my wife complaining about me watching MOTD

2 - Offside. Hockey got rid of it years ago after a few trials in some tournaments. Loads of people complained that it would lead to hugely boring goal-hanging from the centre forwards, but the few people that tried goal hanging realised pretty quickly they had effectively removed themsleves from the game!

3 - Technology (see also Sepp Blatter, below). Why is the footballing heirarchy obsessed with having the same rules at every level? The World Cup and major leagues are a million miles from the weekly Sunday morning mudbaths happening down local parks up and down the country. Every other major sport has introduced technology at the highest levels because the sport is much faster, so much more going on at that level. There isn't a fourth official down the rec, so why not let the big boys have goal line and replay tech?

4 - Sepp Blatter. is an arse, should have retired/been fired years ago. He has single handedly kept football in a time warp for his entire reign.

5 - Carling Cup. Exclude the entire Premier league from this so the lower leagues have a chance of winning a cup and the internationals have a couple fewer games to play. Its a farce already as the big four clubs play their second eleven in Carling Cup fixtures.

6 - The FA Cup. Used to be the most exciting day of the footballing year, a build up that started with Cup Final swap shop and grew and grew until the 3pm kick off. Every one wanted to win it. Ban all replays and extra time, straight to penos. Huge sanctions against any manager/club who fields the B-team and in any way reduces the importance of the cup. Get rid of the sponsers - its the FA Cup, not the bloody Mars Bar cup or whoever else coughs up the cash. Make the prize £10 million for the winners, that'll get them wanting it and the FA can afford it.

7 - Europe. Well, where to start? First up decide which competition you are in. If you lose the early stages of the Champions league, then tough so no entry into the plastic cup. Secondly, "CHAMPIONS" league, not "down to fourth place didn't they do well" league. This will reduce the number of games and up the quality somewhat. Oh yeah, and its a CUP! Should all be knock out.

8 - The World Cup. Spain were rubbish. They won the cup by mesmerising the opposition into a bored stupor by passing the ball backwards and forwards amongst themselves for 80 minutes and then just as the other team finally nodded off, Spain ran up and scored. Proof of this was that they lost to Swiztzerland, a team so fundamentally dull that they managed to mesmerise Spain. Nonetheless, the World Cup will never play out like the Premiership, and we were really rubbish. It used to be that a brilliant home grown player could make it big by playing abroad (e.g. Keegan, Lineker). Nowadays the entire continent of Africa sends its players to Wigan and Blackburn, etc., NOT because the Premiership is so great, but to mine all the cash sloshing about from Sky TV and take it home. We did it to them for 300 years, seems only fair.

Ban Sky Sports and get the major sports back onto free to air broadcasters

...that's about it thankyou