Remember that in the end you will always regret the things you didn't do, more than the mistakes you made.

...and don't be such a twat.

Be careful what you wish for.

Cherish your grandparents, your waistline, your hearing, your eyesight and your hair.

And don't smoke.

Just get a bloody move on and tell her that you like her.

'Dear Me,
Focus your musical collection entirely on what Lennon's generation listened to in the 50s.
Then go, right now, and give that kid in School House a very, very good kicking.
Finally, do Domestic Science for A Level and go and live in Cornwall.'

Your long Fireman's coat, 30 inch Loons and red plaid scarf will never ever be cool again! Oh and staring longingly at that blonde hippy chick in the pub will not make her float over and land in your arms. The reality is your only sending a sad message about your own insecurity!

remember, you don't all have to get along all the time, it's the chemistry you have that is important.

2. Never think you are getting too old for RocknRoll and it's about time you got a real job...you will only spend years wallowing in beer, violence, self-pity and regret (errr, get me a shrink!!).

3. Don't go to watch that first Reading FC game as you will be hooked and suffer years of humiliation and depression with only a couple of years of pleasure.

4. Don't walk around Aldershot dressed like a Droog from Clockwork Orange, off-duty Paratroopers don't appreciate it and blood doesn't wash out of white clothes very easily.

5. Don't give a monkey's what people think of you because by the time you don't you'll be too old to get the benefit!

is not a tragedy. Believing that losing your hair at seventeen is a tragedy is.

1. Yes, you are gay. This doesn't matter anywhere near as much as you think it does. Try and tell your parents in person; if they find out another way, the wounds will take years to heal. However, they will eventually.

2. Don't try to deny this by nearly shagging that bloke. And no, you're not pregnant, so don't waste 6 weeks paralytic with worry that you are.

3. Speaking of parents, for god's sake appreciate your mother. You dont know how close you'll get to losing her.

4. And speaking of girls - talk to them. That nice-looking arty ginger girl in the year above will never go out with you if she doesnt even know who you are.

5. You will pass your A-Levels and get in University. This is never in doubt - so stop angsting!

6. Don't bother smoking weed - regardless of what people say, it will bugger up your ability to concentrate for ages.

7. Those multi-coloured tie-dyed patchwork dungarees make you look A COMPLETE TIT. Especially when teamed with a lime green mac and denim cowboy hat. Just sayin.

8. And Ocean Colour Scene are RUBBISH.

9. Yes, going to see The Strokes at Brighton Pavillion is a good idea - your hunch that they will go massive is entirely correct.

10. Sadly, the same hunch re Lowgold is incorrect. You'll still enjoy the gig though.

11. Never forget, true enemies are far better than false friends. People that knock your confidence do it for reasons that are nothing to do with you whatsoever.

12. Nothing ever lasts forever. But in some ways. that is a good thing.

13. Having said this, don't worry - that Amiga 500 isn't gone forever. In fact, one day it will be yours AND you will even have a spare room to put it in!

I'd tell my 6 year old self to take better care of my teeth (most of the damage was already done by 16!).

And I'd tell my 16 year old self to have as much sex as I can (although not necessarily at age 16), because one day you might get married...

and stop stressing over looking 12, you'll appreciate it later.

Put the cake down.

You might be having fun drinking yourself stupid now, but in 15 years time you'll be a sad wreck who is living a non-life. It isn't worth it and you will wish you could relive those countless wasted days.

And one more thing - like yourself more.

Love,

Patrick

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up.

It will happen, soon enough, without you forcing it.

Oh, and all your mates who are telling you they've lost their virginity?

They're lying.

Dear Me,

Don't watch the Level 42 Concert on television whilst simultaneously taping it off radio 1. You'll be addicted to slap bass for the rest of your life. Go and ask that girl out for a date instead.

1. Mum and Dad won't be around for ever and you WILL miss them when they're gone no matter how much you think you won't.

2. Don't try cocaine. Just trust me on this one.

3. Keep practising those drums. Ignore what they all say, it *will* help you make your fortune (but they're right, the girls* will all go for the singer or the guitarist)

*We don't call them chicks any more, you might as well get out of the habit now.

and just get on and bloody well do it

... 'coping on your own' may sound like a decent tactic but it's really a fallback position ...

and as for financial advice, plough everything you have into something called "technology stocks" throughout the 1990s but sell them all without question just before the Christmas holidays in 1999 (yeah, i realise that 'computers joined up by telephone lines' doesn't sound exciting but bear with me) ... then plough everything into property, but sell it all - no questions asked - in spring 2007 ...

feel free to give some of the money away

1. Don't base your A-Level choices on those your friends are doing, or the ones that require the least effort. If you want to study English, study English.

2. You may regret going to university in the short term, but in the long term you'll be grateful for the friends you made there. Ignore your final results, they don't matter.

3. We all wish we'd had the guts to do something, so whatever it is you want to say to girl a, b or c, say it. Then I won't feel as bad.

4. Learn the guitar first, then the bass. Not the other way round.

5. It is acceptable to listen to Bob Dylan, Pink Floyd, The Beatles and who ever else you like. You are student with a good taste in music, not those who listen to Blink 182 and Limp Bizkit.

6. I know I'm only seven years older, but seven years is a long time when you're young. So listen to me.

Get therapy as soon as you can afford it.

If you find something comes easily, you might actually have a talent. Don't assume it comes easily to everyone. Believe in yourself.

Don't wait until you are 16. Invent the internet NOW. It will be bigger than the telephone box and cooler than Star Trek.

teenage angst, unless you´re writing songs or poems, will pass. You'll get better at doing things. Be nice to your hair. Stay in touch with your brothers and sisters.

Don't burden yourself with trying to please everyone else - you won't achieve it, and you'll betray yourself in the end.

Just ask. Politely. But ask. It won't happen if you don't. It might if you do.

Stop worrying about what other people think. Make your own decisions and stick by them. Don't be intimidated by people with more money or a better education. Its your character that counts in life.

1. Don't get into arguments with people on the internet

2. If you are double booked in your diary one evening and one of them is a Fall Gig, miss the Fall gig.

3. Less talk, more listening.

4. Don't judge people by their taste in music.

5. Orbital are right, It really is better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.

Don't waste that year in Glasgow Uni drinking and smoking with Wee Ted and Big John... they are SO much cleverer than you...study for crissake.
Your Mum was also cleverer than you... listen to her advice.
And cherish her... she will be gone before you realise how much she meant to you.
Finally, red wine is not an acceptable means of ingesting your five a day.

Dear backwards7,

When somebody sends you a Valentines card signed with their own name and bearing the message "I think you're really great," this means that they like you. You need to direct more mental resources into picking up on these subtle romantic cues.

On a related matter, those untamed thickets of pubic hair that you have seen rambling from between the legs of the women in your friend, Ian’s, collection of 1970s pornography, offer no more a glimpse of an actual vagina than the dense Venusian clouds of sulphuric acid do of the deltas of Venus. For the love of God find some proper full-frontal pornography. That way it won’t be such a shock when you are confronted with the real thing.

Embracing your own ridiculousness will make you impervious to practically all forms of social embarrassment.

Enjoy your relatively normal existence. A few months from now things will go spectacularly tits up and will never really recover. The good and the bad even out over time. It's never quite as bad as it seems.

stick with what you love and the rest will come naturally.

Get over yourself and speak up. No-one really gives a hoot about the stammer.

Practise the guitar properly and don't just hit easy chords. Apply yourself now and save yourself a lot of wasted time and missed fun.

Get a clue. Any one will do. Concentrate, mate.

Have the courage of your convictions. As time goes on you'll eventually realise you were right (or at least not particularly wrong) enough of the time.

You will realise with a feeling of no little joy one day that the majority of your true friends are intelligent and attractive women. Who seem to like you because you SPOKE UP and were nice - despite looking like Oliver Hardy. You'll never work out why this happens but you will marry one of them, so look forward to it.

You seem to have an idea of what the 'right thing' ought to be. Do it.

If you must be idle then at least don't be lazy. There is a difference.

1) You're fine as you are. Have some confidence in yourself.

2) You will still really love They Might Be Giants in twenty years time. Hell, you'll even be buying their records for your daughters. (You thought you didn't want kids? SURPRISE!)

3) You can't save your Dad. Just let him know you love him, and enjoy the time you have with him.

4) DO NOT CRIMP YOUR HAIR.

It'll be worth the wait, honestly.

1) Be honest with yourself. You are not a good enough actor to make a living at it and so stop using it as an excuse to avoid studying and going to university. And the same goes for being in a band. It really is just a fun hobby, no more.

2) Just because you have split up with the first love of your life you don't have to moon around being miserable. It sets a very bad pattern for the next few years. There are plenty of other girls and, strange as it seems, one or two others may find you attractive if you bloody cheer up.

Take your time with the big decisions, there's no rush. You've got a long time to go.
You love sport, do sport!

...go away, think again, try it a different way, resubmit, and by getting it right second time you might well get the job.

We all lose in the end; throw your lot in, and squeeze everything you can out of life, but don't take yourself - or anyone else - too seriously. You'll be forgotten in the blink of an eye.

That group, that friend, that artist, that role model? Look beyond the halo.

Never become the kind of person of whom it can be said: "I knew them before they were a virgin." Be proud of your speed-hoovering, hair-crimping, goth-dancing, sexually exploratory past.

You have more opportunities than you could even begin to imagine.

Your more ambitious, longer-sighted friends probably WILL get what they want long before you, but they'll often end up as bitter as the forty-somethings that dragged their feet and missed the boat, if not moreso.

The chances are that your parents really are totally fantastic, despite what you think of their trousers and record collection; you've got no idea how much you'll miss them when they're gone.

EDIT: Remember, Markiechops, that food does not equal love.

Fantastic thread,David.
Dear Paul
1)Don't give a toss what others think about you.Believe in Yourself
2)If you don't ask for anything you'll spend the restof your life wondering why you never get anything.
3)If you like her,Tell her. What's the worst that can happen ?
4)Drugs are for Morons. Ask a bloke called Stimpy. He'll back me up.
5) Everything you buy,Keep the box and keep it in mint condition.You'll thank me one day.
6)If it doesn't hurt anyone do what makes you happy
7)Don't quit the Karate/Guitar/Spanish lessons
8)Never Knock your friends.
9)There's a big world outside the Public Bar of the Crown.
10)However appealing,Avoid The letters NWOBHM.
and a million more
Love Yours, Markiechops.

It's them, not you.

Don't worry. One day you will feel comfortable in your own skin and it won't be the frickin' 1980s any more. You will grow to appreciate the works of Bob Dylan just in time for his late renaissance. It may seem unlikely, but one day you will be a Bruce Springsteen fan. In twenty years' time you will not have used any of those GCSE results that you currently sweat for. You will still be attempting desperately to earn money in your chosen profession, even though right now it seems that you could take on the world. In a year's time, you won't know it but, for one evening, you will be in the same building as your future wife. Your mother is in the last eight years of her life: make the most of it.

...don't piss on that war memorial.

You might like NWOBHM now but for gods sake leave it alone in 28 years time and don't ever talk about it again.

but i still don't know what NWOBHM stands for. can someone tell me please? I don't want to Google it as I may get a pic of Michelle Obama. I know what lol stands for, sort of

1) Piano ties really are a passing fad.
2) The same goes for highlights, no matter how much anyone tells you that you look like Bryan Ferry.
3) Don't worry about sex, just be careful and stock up on Rubber Jimmys.
4) Peter Gabriel 3 is not the last word in musical misery.
5) Unlimited access to acres of great pornography isn't far off! Hold onto your cash!
6) You were right to be suspicious of your Aunty.
7) What women like about you isn't what you think it is. Remember, they'll make bad choices too-it's not your fault!
8) Stick with Marillion - they'll lead you to some interesting places!
9) Comics will always be cool. Stick with them!
10) You're doing okay with your parents-keep it up.

1. Don't spend quite so many future years trying to fit in - doesn't suit you.
2. You're behaving a bit like you're looking for rejection or disappointment. Calm down, for God's sake.
3. Say less, mean more.
4. One day there will also be a Beard - get used to the idea.

1. Learn to play the piano, you know you want to, don't leave it for 38 years
2. When Margaret offers to sell you her parent's house - it's a really good idea. You don't even have to live in it. Read the Staff Mortgage offer properly you dick!
3. Never, ever buy a flat!
4. You will befriend a man called Frank, he will offer to set you up with a girl called Donna - poke him in the eye or at the very least politely decline
5. Do not sell your Claud Butler, you'll regret it forever
6. Buying The White Album on white vinyl is not a good reason to sell your original mono version
7. You know that picture of you and your Nan, where you're wearing a V-neck jumper over a white t-shirt? Stick with that look - especially throughout the seventies and eighties
8. Do not spend every leisure hour in the pub and DO NOT fund this with your Barclaycard. That's for buying records with. Use leisure time to practise the piano (see point 1)

Speak up, and stop being so shy

.....and no, Ned's Atomic Dustbin are not very good, trust me

Life is complicated & you will make mistakes.
It will be alright though.
No further advice. Wouldn't want to spoil it for you.
Enjoy the ride.

Embracing your own ridiculousness will make you impervious to practically all forms of social embarrassment.

This should be taught in schools I think.

To me, in addition:

- You'll never actually be cool, but you'd be a lot cooler if you stopped trying to be cool.
- Yes, smoking pot is nice, but no, it doesn't make you into a better person.
- Good on you for paying no heed to people who laugh at the bleepy music you like. Stick with it.
- You won't be so proud of the Wonderstuff obsession in later life, but never be ashamed of music.
- See more of your grandparents, and listen to them even though they're cranky buggers. No matter how inconsequential their stories seem at the time, you will wish you knew more about them.

Dear Me

Cleverness is overrated. Practice is underrated.

... Stop worrying. Confidence will come and happiness is near.

You aren't a great musician. You aren't going to 'make it'. Just enjoy playing. The band who recently sacked you aren't very good either and won't 'make it'. So stop worrying about being Pete Best.

don't unroll that condom before you put it on. They don't work like that.

"Always take what you do seriously, but never take yourself seriously."

1) Just because you are a drummer doesn't mean you can't practise the guitar lying in its case in the corner

2) Look after your voice and when a leading musician gives you a telephone number for the best singing teacher in Manchester after hearing you sing don't put it in a drawer and forget about it.

3)That girl from Sale-it's a YES.

4)That girl from Leek, it's too far away, kidda. 2 buses and changing at Macclesfield?!?!?

5)Sixth form will be a lot more fun.

6) Just because someone laughs when you come into school with Revolver and they have Script for a Jester's tear who's the real nobhead?

1. Have courage in your convictions. Don't wait 26 years to hear that Sammy Vincent from Brentford School to tell you on Facebook that she really did fancy you and would've gone to the Airport Bowl with you on a Friday night.

2. Don't try and breakdance. The embarrassment caused will be forever retold at get togethers, weddings, funerals, bar mitzvah's and christenings. Burn off's are not your thing.

3. Don't dye your hair black. You look a knob and yes, it had a blue tinge. What looks cool on Marc Almond does not look cool on you.

4. You are not Morrissey. Talk to females. That Bass won't play itself. Practice! Oh and don't give up your piano and music theory lessons to play football.

5. Nerds have more fun in the end. Don't be afraid to embrace your inner nerd.

5. Find a better hiding place for your top shelf material. Thus avoiding parental humiliation when Mum finds them whilst "tidying"

6. There will be better films that Batchelor Party and Porky's (though not many)

7. Clothes. Make an effort for God's sake.

8. This will be the pinnacle and high watermark of QPR. Enjoy it and savour it. We won't beat Arsenal, Man Utd and Chelsea as a matter of course for many years to come.

9. You can't disguise the smell of JPS from your mother by eating pickled onions. She knows.

10. Get a grip boy!

1. Ambition and responsibility in the workplace are hugely over-rated.
2. Best career advice - just get up out of bed and get to work. The rest will come.
3. Don't try too hard to make people like you - they prefer the unconcentrated "you".
4. Make sure you want to do something for what it is, rather than how it will make others perceive you.
5. Your parents aren't a different species - try and treat them as if you actually share some genes.
6. It's alright to like country music (honest!!).

1.Your eloquence is one of the nicest gifts you've been given; don't hide it under a bushel.
2.You will not always be in physical pain.
3. You'll always be worried about stuff. It's your nature, embrace it.
4. Guinness will make you fat. Try to avoid
5. Stop being such a prick to your dad. When your own son is born, you'll understand everything he's done.
6.Your heart will be broken.
7. Time doesn't heal emotional pain, but it makes it easier to deal with.
8. Your wife is waiting for you - and she's AMAZING! You lucky dog.

1. Enjoy every second with your nephew Jack, he won't be around for long.
2. You will never grow taller than 5'3". The sooner you accept this fact and stop fretting about this then people will stop taking the piss about your height.
3. You will not go bald. Yes your hair is receding but it will still look the same when you are in your late thirties. You will not go grey or have a bald patch either.
4. (Take a deep breath). You will split up in three years with Sian. It didn't last forever. It lasted four years. Your petty jealousy and inscecurity will have a huge bearing on the split. You will recover and eventually marry a far better and more attractive woman.
5. When Sarah tells you she's working late at the office she's sleeping with a colleague. Split with her as soon as you have an inkling that something is wrong.
6. Keep faith with Swansea City. There will be dark, dark days. One season you will survive relegation to the conference on the last day of the season. By the time you are 38 they will be in the play-off places in the second division in England.
7. One night you will be introduced to a "friend of a friend" called Collette. You will have a massive argument whilst having a curry with friends. This may suprise you, you will eventually marry her. Take time to appreciate the first time you see her, she will be the love of your life.

- You will still be ridiculous in 25 years' time. Get over yourself.

- You know what? You can sing. Are you listening?

- You want to go to art college. Do it. Don't listen to your Dad's advice; he's wrong.

- Your family are at war. Don't try to hide from it. Acknowledge it, and get the hell out.

- Your parents smother you. Grow a pair and tell them to F*** off more often. Especially your bully of a Dad.

- Actually, you might be halfway attractive, if you got a grip. Have your hair cut; properly, I mean. Get some new clothes. Don't, whatever you do, allow your Mum and Dad to choose them anymore. Make a fuss like your siblings.

- People don't listen? Speak up, then.

- Stop hiding. People like to see you when you show yourself.

- you are clever, yes; but everyone else isn't an idiot. Treat them with more respect and they'll do the same for you.

- Girls will like you, one day. No - it's true.

- Your gay schoolfriend doesn't hate you. He's trying to reach out to you. Don't bat him away.

- Trust people. Not everyone's as manipulative and bullying as your family.

- Being Indian is ok. Don't be so embarrassed about it. Soon there'll be more of us, and we'll be louder.

- Music, art and literature are your refuges. But they're also passions. Don't let your family bully you out of pursuing them.

- You are ok. No, really. Look at me. I mean it.

It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

That guy who looks so confident and chats up girls and has all the lines feels just the same as you do inside. Only the girls aren't laughing with him, they are laughing at him because they know that the reason his eyes are brown are because he's full of shit and some of them would much rather hear your unpracticed but natural talk and the reason she is smiling at you is because she really does like you.

And one day on a Sunday night you will have the opportunity to go a see a guy called Jeff Buckley (yes, actually he is Tim's son). Do go and see him and don't say I've got work tomorrow and I don't particularly like the venue.

* Don’t worry about growing old. You’ll be a lot happier and more relaxed in 30 years time than you are now.
* Don’t worry about being too baby-faced for the girls at the moment. It’ll happen. You’ll meet a cracker when you’re 23, marry her when you’re 25, and be warming her feet in front of the telly 20 years later.
* Don’t worry about exams and stuff. They don’t count for much in the long run and anyway you’re already pretty skilled at winging it. What matters most is being the type of person people like having around.
* One day you will be able to buy the fantasy white parka you dream of. But by then you won’t want one. Certainly not with “Get Off My Cloud” inscribed on the right sleeve. And there are records other than All Mod Cons and Rubber Soul. Many of which you will come to love.
* Sack the tabs.

1. Don't buy that album by The Thrills. It's terrible.

2. You're not the only person who struggles to talk to girls you fancy, most of them seem to be in a club called The Word.

3. Keep in touch with a girl called Mandi.

When you get old don't be like John Betjeman and have your one regret be 'I wish I'd had more sex'.

Hang on to those special friends you make. One day you'll realise it's not so easy to find new ones as good again.

Dear Me,

Do not feel intimidated by the fact that your friends are ridiculously intelligent and ambitious. You have qualities that they lack and they are just as valid.

Love,

Patrick

Is bringing on the sort of pleasant melancholia normally engendered by listening to Janis Ian's "Between the Lines".

And I mean that as a good thing. In fact I'm reaching for iTunes as we speak. "At seventeen I learned the truth..."

1. Average isn't good enough.
2. Sometimes you've got to pull your finger out and actually work for what you want
3. Good friends can come from the most unexpected places
4. You can't do everything alone and sharing can be fun
5. Be true to yourself
6. Talking bollocks ultimately gets you nowhere

So that's where I went wrong

1. Get your teeth fixed whilst you are young
2. You will never be too old to go to gigs
3. Play an instrument - preferably one you can carry around
4. Play your sport as long as you possibly can
5. Don't give up your hobbies/friends when you find a life partner
6. Never say a bad word to about anyone, ever (this is a defining characteristic of all the genuinely 'nice' people I have ever met)
7. She's not a mindreader. Speak to her

Love Mark

Bitter? No point. But while we're playing the game...

Dear Hannah
There is something very wrong with your eyesight. The good news is that its operable. The bad news is that your optician won't tell you that. Infact he'll misdiagnose you. go and get a second opinion now, don't leave it til he gets struck off. Otherwise you'll have another sixteen years of inexplicable headaches, neck pain and teasing about your peculiar eyes and posture.

PS but there's nothing you can do about the insomnia, sorry. You're stuck with that one.

Don't marry the first girl you go out with. I know asking girls out is tricky, but just becasue one said yes doesn't mean that others won't.

Stop sucking smoke

When your friends tell you that they're going to see The Smiths in Dublin and do you want to come along, don't say, nah, i'll leave it till next year cos they won't be around by the end of next year or any other year, ok?

Go easy on the LSD

In a couple of years when you're standing at the front at a My Bloody Valentine gig in Dingwalls and your ears are hurting - walk away, the band are wearing earplugs...wankers

That same summer, don't work with asbestos for peanuts.

Tone down your appearance. They get it.

Don't burn any bridges and be a bit nicer, but you knew that, right?

are not alien creatures and are not to be feared even if they might laugh at your approaches or advances. They probably like you too.

So don't get me wrong here, but I needed most of this advice at 12 or 13...
With the additional information: science and maths are not a waste of time - your science and maths teachers are a waste of time, but there is a difference - concentrate and ask people you respect.
And learn to read music.

Dear Me,

Do not remove the Duran Duran LP from the music centre at other people's parties, replace it with Physical Graffiti and then wonder why girls avoid you like you're carrying the Bubonic Plague.

Love,

Patrick

1 a tattoo is a great idea, if it is the right tattoo

2 Carry on with the glockenspiel , there are plenty of guitarists

3 Insomnia, you just will have to live with it

4 Being a bloke who knits may not seem a great idea now , but in years to come when your wife walks out and your feeling isolated, being the only male in a knitting circle will bring some compensations .

5 Yes you will always have things shouted at you from passing cars and on occasions things thrown but you will find your not the only one that happens to . The flip side will always be strangers will always strike up amazing conversations with you without ever telling you their name .

6 There will be few pleasures to beat riding a 650 through London traffic to clinics and know you will not be expected to do home visits cos the NHS dont want patients scared by opening the door to a biker

7 Never be ashamed to show your feelings at mates funerals

8 When there is a hickman line in your chest giving you chemo please check it is not wrapped around the leg of the chair before standing up . Even the most experienced nurses are perturbed by the sight of a bloke having accidently ripped a hole in his chest and blood squirting in all directions .

9 When you go to Newcastle for a weekend in 86 realise sooner that despite being a Londoner you are now really home and the Tyne Bridge will always lift your heart .

10 Dying is easy , living takes effort . Even staring 50 in the eye you will find there is so much more to learn but if your lucky and meet someone from something called the Massive smile and listen they may make you think .

Finally never suggest ,( even if you have the email evidence) that Mark Ellen wants an allotment on his Wiki page as they will ban you from making any more entries .

- because he wouldn't listen anyway

With the possible exception of gin and tonic, there is no call for cocktails.

...and thanks to the massive. It's threads like this that make Word's blog so bloody special. Note to my 39 year old self, you've made it this far, you're doing ok- enjoy it.

If you're given advice from your older-self, ignore it completely. You wouldn't be the man you are now if you'd followed a specific path. Be proud of your achievements, and learn from your failures.

Lots of love, etc.

Me.

1) You'll get a shag. Eventually. And then loads more.

2) Life in the future will be better than you think. Much, much better. Get ready for a lot of fun.

3) You spend a lot of time looking at ski brochures from the local travel agents. Don't worry. This is not wasted time. You will go to lots of these places and will have more fun than you can possibly imagine.

4) You will meet Buck Dharma one day.

5) Don't buy those white slip-ons from Fosters. You look a tit.

6) Don't drink so much milk. It doesn't agree with you and makes your breath smell like turds.

7) One day, there will be a thing called eBay and, when you are forty, you will be able to buy all those things you want now. And you will. And you'll look at them, feel pleased, and then sell them again on eBay because your wife will - correctly - want to know why you've taken delivery of a large Tamiya plastic model kit of the Yamato. To choose one example completely at random.

1) Nobody else knows what they're doing either.

2) It really would be better not to start smoking at all - at the rate you're going, by the time you're 20 you could buy a Telecaster for what you'll spend on cigarettes in a year.

3) You suspect this already - you'll make all your best friends through music, so even though you have no idea what you're doing, it's worth sticking at it. There may not be a livelihood but there's certainly a life.

4) Buy one really good guitar rather than a bunch of "interesting" ones - pretty guitars are generally not reliable.

If you study hard and become a lawyer, you will end up with everything you never wanted.

Best regards,

Steven

1) Stop being a smartarse, and when, aged 21, your best mate asks why you've just proposed to your girlfriend, don't tell him its because she's pregnant (she wasn't...). This isn't funny but it *is* disrespectful. He will get over the slight, but you will be haunted by it...

2) After that Christmas party, Sarah from the PR department really *did* want more than a chaste kiss - go for it...nothing serious will come of it, but by God, it will be fun finding out.

3) Keep playing the trumpet and try harder at languages

4) When your wife tells you she has cancer, *don't* run away to football tour. It'll be fine, and you'll get through it together, but she will always feel you let her down...and do you know what? You did.

5) Don't decide to 'fess up and tell your Dad that you're a smoker. He won't appreciate the honesty, he'll just be really annoyed

6) Don't worry what others think of you, you really are better than them (or a particular group of "them" at least...) and you will accomplish more in life, simply because you tried...

That's it.

Don't give up.

It doesn't matter how shit things are at times just remember that this too will come to an end!

...you'd worry less what people think about you, when you realise how little they think about you.

1. It is not wholly implausible that the girls want it too. Work on this basis, and you might have more fun, especially at discos.

2. That girl you think is pretty, the one who's going out with that tit? You will start going out with her soon.

3. Split up with her before university, though. She's going to get into Oxford. You are not. If you stay together, you will have a miserable first few months being unavailable in different towns and THEN split up, thereby writing off any chance of shagging anyone else for the rest of the year in a fury of recrimination and self-loathing. End it, go up North happy and single, and spend your first year up to the apricots in your fellow freshers, sporting an Ainsley-Harriot-esque chinny grin and singing a little song of joy.

4. Don't be such a twat about dancing. No-one CARES. Have fun, for fuck's sake.

5. Don't be such a twat, full stop.

6. Rhythm sections are the most important thing in the world. Don't compromise on the bass player.

7. Shut the fuck up.

You're doing alright, you really are.

Do French A-level: even though you enjoy Geography, you'll regret not keeping a language up in 15 years' time.

There was some great music made before 1977, why not try checking out?

You'll learn soon that your parents are fantastic people. Show them you love them - and once in a while say thanks for everything they've done, and will do, for you.

Oh and no matter how daft it seems, get your dad to put £20 on Eddie Balls becoming a cabinet minister...

That music you're listening to right now?

You'll still be listening to it 20 years later. Even the crap stuff.

1. Girls are as nervous as you on a first date.
2. If Charlie offers you a ciggie, whatever sissy names he calls you, DECLINE IT. You will become an addict for the rest of your life.
3. Stop worrying
4. You are right, there is no better band, and never will be, than Genesis with Peter Gabriel. Catch all the gigs you can - he's leaving in 1974.
5. Finally, if you want to play the guitar, PRACTICE.

Stop wasting time in your room meticulously annotating your TDK SA-90s. This will never impress the girls. Go out, get a decent haircut and concentrate on getting laid.

Also, typing out a study schedule for your GCSEs will not work - not even colour coded. Just get your head down and study.

Get your vinyl copy of "Sign Of The Times" back from Tommy Fitz. You'll lose contact with him in 2 years' time once he "comes out". Yes! He was.

There will be this guy called Jeff Buckley who makes a record you like. When you get a chance to go and see him play solo in a small venue, go. Don't say you'll wait until he's made a couple of albums.

When Mum says go to college to become a doctor, don't. Go straight to art college instead. You'll never get that lost year back. Stop believing your first car has to be flash and just buy an old banger. Study photography and not advertising - you'll get to see more of the world instead of the inside of an office, anyway after the mid-90s it'll all turn shite. Don't waste all your money on VHS tapes in the HMV sales - come the mid-00s you'll give them all to charity, mostly unwatched. Don't get a job straight after uni, go travelling. And stop worrying so much about what other people think of you - just do it!

It only gets better.

I would say to my trusting 16-year old self the following:

Don't trust Authority

Question everything and
Think for yourself.

Above all, don't trust the Establishment. They are just out to make a fast buck. The people who really care about the world, in the long term, do not have power in the present.

And while you're at it, buy a fucking Fender Strat. You deserve it. You might practise a bit more!

...all this fear about nuclear bombs won't come to anything - or the Russians. (And, uncool though he may be and despite all the stick you get because of him, your Dad has a lot to do with that all working out.)

...and the IRA threats won't come to anything either. It may be scary, but it's OK. A few close shaves, but nothing personal. (And, by way of corollary, it won't happen no matter how much you will it sometimes. And it's OK to want it...)

...you don't have to stay invisible - when you get to Uni, you'll have a chance to do everything differently, reinvent yourself. Things are a lot more fun then. Just stick the rest of the College out.

...you're actually funny and likeable and - although this may seem very hard to believe - quite attractive to the girls. In the years ahead, whenever you dismiss someone's words as unintentionally suggestive or that if you took them literally, you'd think they were interested - they are. Act as they meant to say "come up and see me" in the Mae West style. She did. And "do you fancy a coffee?" and "why not just crash here instead of going home" are quite probably offers of fun evenings.

...your decisions now don't really matter. Science subjects, art subjects are all just fuel to take you on the rest of the journey.

...don't be in such a rush to get a career. In your third year, when your friends ask you to take a sabbatical to be College President, say yes. Believe me, the job you actually do will be the worst of your life

...and do fun things just because they're fun. That proposed tour performing Shakespeare plays at stately homes around the country would have been a better summer than filling in application forms for marketing IT jobs.

...and ignore all of this if you like - it still works out better than you can imagine!

avoid meeting a girl called Lisa in about 10 years - you wiil only end up heartbroken and regretful for mamy years after... oh and try and save more, you wish you had later!