Breathing.

If I were ever to see a woman on her own in a curry house tucking into a meat vindaloo I might have to ask her to marry me.

Man United shirt.

Hastens to add *not* school uniform.
(I don't think the General Teaching Council would look very kindly on that...)

and a book

... but I like a bit of grey in a woman's barnet.

...opposite David Hepworth on the FCC train up to North London. I can't remember what I was reading, but I hope it was good and I seemed more attractive (from a fairly low base, I have to be honest) to him.

...about the bike.

It doesn't matter if it's a stately bike with a basket on the front, or a carbon-fibre racer, or anything in between...

Sorry, that's the first option in my drop down list to automatically fill in the subject line when I start my reply with the word 'It's'. (Due to another answer on another thread. To do with crisps. Don't ask).
Actually, I'm not going to change it. It's strangely relevant to the topic.

OK, well, it's obviously not a complete answer. I need more than just a penis.

I find a man much more alluring if he's breathing, is wearing spectacles, is slightly greying, riding a bike, reading a book, with a cat on a lead, eating a meat vindaloo, and not wearing a Man U shirt or a school tie, all at the same time. Do I win £10?

of a womans head.

If you're female, and meet the following criteria, let's meet up for coffee:

Height: Somewhere around 5" 8' I'd say, would be preferable.
Hair colour: Brunette, please. Red-heads are also nice.

Ideally you will have a good speaking voice, which is mirrored in your writing style; you will enjoy cooking as I'm not good at it, and I find it awfully boring. I'd be hugely impressed if you played a musical instrument too.

Intelligence is good.

Interests: Me (obviously), literature (n.b. Heat magazine does not count as literature), a decent taste in music (please don't dismiss anything that's not in the chart as 'crap', and anything that was released pre-2000 as ancient). Anything else we can discuss as it comes.

Please, do not think I'm not interested if I don't respond to you straight away. I'll still be recovering from the shock.

I like dark brunettes too, but redheads are it, for me. Add geek-chic specs, intelligence, curves (skinny has the directly opposite effect) and a reprehensible sense of humour to the mass of coppery loveliness and I'm... Oh god. Time for a lie down.

and wearing beer goggles. Obvious innit?

"Oh, in that case, go on back." he said. He pressed a button. A wall of books opened, and I walked like a lamb into that bustling pleasure palace known as Flossie's. Red flocked wallpaper and a Victorian decor set the tone. Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively. A blonde with a big smile winked at me, nodded toward a room upstairs, and said, "Wallace Stevens, eh?" But it wasn't just intellectual experiences. They were peddling emotional ones, too. For fifty bucks, I learned, you could "relate without getting close." For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartok records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack. For one-fifty, you could listen to FM radio with twins. For three bills, you got the works: A thin Jewish brunette would pretend to pick you up at the Museum of Modern Art, let you read her master's, get you involved in a screaming quarrel at Elaine's over Freud's conception of women, and then fake a suicide of your choosing - the perfect evening, for some guys. Nice racket. Great town, New York.

[edit: I think it's the phrase "riffling Penguin Classics provocatively" that has always made me laugh---I can almost hear him read this in that "Manhattan" voiceover & a cod-Marlowe style in my mind].

preferably a motorbike, a sexy lady looks sexier playing pool (not snooker) or the saxophone

..of trouble. Which probably explains a lot actually when I think about it

Whenever I see a woman on a bicycle I think of Miss Gulch from Wizard of Oz, I make a point of never crossing their paths "I'll get you my pretty, and that goes for your little dog too!"

Playing tennis. Oh yes. Here's a pic of Andrea Petkovic. She writes songs as well, you know.

for those of you who like female bike riders:

http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/harriet-walker-hassled...

a big, hearty, dirty laugh always does it for me. Particularly from bookish girls with glasses.

sorry but there it is, I will now retire to a safe distance and flagellate myself severely, unless there's any laydeez out there who...

well drakeygirl started it!

oh and a big booty, I like that too... a chunky girl/woman, y'kna what I mean, still daft at this stage in life... ocht I'm dreamin' on the red again

...small breasts for me, please.

What I look for in a man: a beard.

Obvious, innit?

And If you look in his beard: You'll find the remains of the lunch he ate last week.

then the brain.

Anything else is simply a bonus.

like this woman...

it

/whimpers a bit

also feisty gingers and those who know their own mind, but are open to changing it...

So much so, that my "type" can be summarised as a stock film character: the Manic Pixie Dream Girl (thanks to Gauntlet for educating me on that one).

Other than that, if I see a girl with long hair sitting on a bench on the South Bank wearing a summer dress and reading a battered paperback from a second-hand book shop (the age of the book is incredibly important), I'll probably collapse from going so weak at the knees.

Failing that, Zooey Deschanel please.

it's the kind of woman who can write this:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2010/may/06/hail-hail-rock-n-roll

A pulse.

...this came into my mind.

"mother-f*ckin roly-poly chubby-cheeked sh*t-machine". Glorious.

My grlfriend, in bed, wearing my Led Zeppelin T shirt as a nighty.

Jobs a good un.

Sorry, this probably looks like a sad attempt to revive a dead thread. Well, it's because, having confessed my penchant for female cyclists, along comes a perfect illustration.

The smile, the laugh - she just floors me every time.

football kit. Only time football would have any hold over me.

hmmmm... Oh my Lord I'm off again!