"One of those nig-nogs has moved in over the road"

The daft old racist

Also whatever film was on in the afternoon, my nan (deceased) used to say 'ooh, this is a bit far fetched'. Often 10 mins into The Empire Strikes Back

Funny because, especially on terrestrial TV, it's probably the only time of the year when there is something on telly!

Every Christmas, my mother has only got to see one young person riding a bicycle to exclaim:

"I see the kids are all out on their new bikes"

The possibility that the kids in question might have owned the bikes in question for years never seems to cross her mind.

Anyone riding a bicycle on Christmas Day - by definition - received it from Santa that morning.

"We never have them at any other time of the year"

is likely to be heard at dinner time.

Next year we're going away....
We never do.

someone will say....

Anyone fancy some stuffing?

My Mum will usually be the culprit.

Still makes me giggle though.

but my mum's reaction to my giving her presents is always the same. Forcing her protesting facial muscles into a smile, she says "Thank you" in a most unconvincing way and then looks at whatever I've given her with "Oxfam eyes". What she is basically saying is this: "Thanks for the gesture, but as you know only too well I hate receiving and giving presents. I will shortly be leaving this expensive hardback book in the safe hands of the old lady who works at the Chippenham branch of Oxfam."

why he got them.

I need some biros, must pop to Chippenham after Christmss

but at any time in the year before, if someone says,

"Roll on Christmas"

my Dad will respond, immediately, with

"Let's have some nuts."

I don't know where it comes from; sadly, I've started doing it as well.

"Neither Dad, but I quite like seeing a Thai hooker fire a ping pong ball out of her fanny, seeing as how you're asking"*

St Stephen's Day Murder - Thea Gilmore

I knew of two sisters whose name it was Christmas,
And one was named Dawn of course, the other one was named Eve.
I wonder if they grew up hating the season,
The good will that lasts til the Feast of St. Stephen

For that is the time to eat, drink, and be merry,
Til the beer is all spilled and the whiskey has flowed.
And the whole family tree you neglected to bury,
Are feeding their faces until they explode.

There'll be laughter and tears over Tia Marias,
Mixed up with that drink made from girders.
’Cause it's all we've got left as they draw their last breath,
Ah, it's nice for the kids, as you finally get rid of them,
In the St Stephen's Day Murders.

Uncle is garglin' a heart-breaking air,
While the babe in his arms pulls out all that remains of his hair.
And we're not drunk enough yet to dare criticize,
The great big cup of tea he's about to baptize.

With his gin-flavoured whiskers and kisses of sherry,
His best Chrimbo shirt slung out over the shop.
While the lights from the Christmas tree blow up the telly,
His face closes in like an old cold pork chop.

And the carcass of the beast left over from the feast,
May still be found haunting the kitchen.
And there's life in it yet, we may live to regret,
When the ones that we poisoned stop twitchin'.
’Cause it's all we've got left as they draw their last breath,
Ah, it's nice for the kids, as you finally get rid of them,
In the St Stephen's Day Murders.

Said by anyone throwing away wrapping paper.

..for whatever the conversation's about, relentlessly homing in on a completely irrelevant and meaningless aspect of it.

Me: 'we're thinking about selling up and buyng a hotel in Vietnam, Mam'

Me Mam: 'You'll have to buy some proper shoes then. They won't take you seriously if you wear them trainers..have you got any proper shoes?'

Would ALWAYS say to me as he passed the final gift... 'I hope you like it. It cost enough'.

we persist with having crackers (the one aspect of xmas I find pointless) but the little ones like them. Anyway every year without fail I'm heard to say "Oh no my hat seems to have torn I'll just put it on the side"

Whatever dish I have contributed to the meal, my mother will always taste it and say, "That's better than I expected."

And whatever dish has cheese on it will prompt her to tell us all, for the 1,000th time, that she can't eat cheese because ... (well, I'll spare you the details). And even though there will be 10 other dishes there without cheese that she CAN eat, it's stlll the one with cheese that will piss her off. "I can't eat that."

On the positive side: The whole family always watches "White Christmas" (Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney) together on Christmas Eve, and sings along (badly).

although this one seems to have tailed off a bit over the past 2 years.

My Dad says: "I'm another year wiser and Jo's another year fatter."

Bless him. True though, unfortunately.

Also, my Mum will say "Christmas is really about kids. Once they've grown up, I don't know why we bother." We had a few years of rest during the 'excited grandchildren' years, but now they (although want the presents) think the rest of is boring.

Said by my 90 year old godfather to describe the turkey. His mum used to say it, and probably hers too. Oh, and my mum always says "God bless us, every one" a la Tiny Tim when tipsy towards the end of lunch.

Seventy percent of my dad's speech is composed of things he's said a few hundred times before anyway, regardless of the season.

if belching along to the National Anthem before The Queen's Speech counts

"She's looking old, isn't she"
"I'm not sure I like her outfit"
"She's had her hair done hasn't she"

Every year from my Gran and Great Aunt...without fail.

My Gran now has Alzeihmer's, and sits in a world of her own, and is in a nursing home...what I would give to hear her say the above this Christmas.

"Oh bloody hell.. Auntie Vi's been at the Olorosso again.."

And the traditional classic:

"Licquers?" "Lick your own!"

Does anyone drink Drambuie, Benedictine, Tia Maria or Cointreau at any other time?

someone you know and ask how their Christmas went, they always, always, answer with "Quiet"

ie...my Dad and my Aunt Peggy.

Aunt Peggy would phone on Christmas Day. My Dad would lift it up and Aunt Peggy would say "Merry Christmas Sandy". My Dad would reply "Merry Christmas Peggy....who gave you my number?".

Every year she would be tutting, "Those children are spoiled rotten, look at all those toys. They don't appreciate them. When we were girls, we'd get a shiny penny and a tangerine. We were happier then". This may have been true, in a sense, but she fully expected to get her box of Black Magic. And she'd tut some more, and return to the theme later on.

One year, Auntie opened her present to find a tangerine and a shiny penny. Everyone else thought it was funny, and I was glad that the wrapped box of Black Magic was available for immediate handover.

at the end of Xmas dinner always said "It took hours to prepare and it's all gone in 15 minutes".

has to be delivered first thing Christmas morning in very grumpy tones while doubled-over in pyjama-clad digestive pain brought on by Christmas Eve wind retention. Immortalised by my dad about 10 years ago. So now the first thing we say to him every Christmas is "Are you holding any in today Dad?"

The other family tradition is to phone round and squawk "Slavin' over hot wotsits??" at whoever picks up the phone. Thank you Aunty Jen for that one.

Family chant (substituting if necessary the correct number of minutes - it can vary) announcing time left to get the pudding down before Her Majesty pops up on the box.

On being asked whether she fancies a Christmas night snack, my mother will always say "Lurkey butty". Apparently it relates to something I said once about 49 years ago.

"No you can't both pop to the local for a quick one, I

Every year without fail, when my Grandad was alive, he would always mutter "Merry Christmas Bernard",to the bemusement of my Dad's friend, who used to join us every year for Christmas dinner, who was called Dermot.

My fussy eldest daughter decided she did not like turkey. Lucky for us then my in-laws only served up "big chicken".

The dear departed mother-in-law used to get so worked up for weeks before the big meal we decided to have a simple buffet Christmas Day & Boxing Day. It was still a spread worthy of the five thousand and not the six who turned up. Every year we would wind her up by declaring ourselves stuffed to the gills after a couple of crisps and a piece of celery and could not eat another morsel.

My late grandfather would add the proviso "if I'm spared" to almost anything he was asked over the entire Christmas period. "Fancy a wee whiskey?" "In a wee while. If I'm spared." etc etc. He's been dead 12 years now, but that's still a running joke in our family.

Very similar to the OP. This originates from my older brother (now 61) who would lead the delegation downstairs on Christmas morning and have the honour of opening the door to the living room, where the booty had been piled by the fireplace.

As in the OP, my sister will ring us at our house on the morning of the big day and it's the first thing she'll say. She's 56.

'Shut up, I'm trying to watch Dr.Who.'
Thank God for Sky+. And Jesus as well, probably.

mother, in her in no way stereotypically dour, Scottish Calvinist way always says, the very second the last present has been brought from the tree and unwrapped:

"Aye well. Thats it all bye for another year"

This is around 9am on Christmas Day.

Festive fun and frivolities in no way follow.

We're on to the imminent death of the Queen and who I've never met who's died that year by dinner time.

When I lived at home with my parents my mother would always say the following just before any of us put a knife or a fork near a piece of food:

"let's hope we have as much next year"

now that I'm married with kids of my own I always think of it when we tuck in to Xmas dinner.

Nowadays my kids ring my mother and father late on Christmas afternoon and my mother always asks "what did you have for your dinner?". What does she expect?

...will get a phone call from his cousin Shirley in Adelaide at 8.30am. I'll be listening in this year as it always gets spiky when the Ashes are on....

"Has he been?" Naturally.
Whilst holding aloft a bottle/toblerone shaped gift "Dunno what this is!"
Wrestling to get into a papery parcel covered in tape "This is well wrapped"
"What lovely paper"
And, at the end of it all "We've all done very well"

Most if not all thanks to my dear departed Nan and Granddad.

I live in Melbourne and Christmas Day is in summer. It's usually cold ,by our standards i.e. woollen jumper required.The rejoinder to aforesaid will be "aaah well better weather for sitting down to a roast"

28 celsius forecast this year as it happens.

My mother will on receipt of the present and without having openend it will sign and look lovingly across at me and say "oh Junior, you shouldn't have". I will respond awkwardly and gruffly ,"no I shouldn't have but I did anyway" and will shuffle off to avoid further appreciation.

we wouldn't bother".

Growing up, that was a familiar mantra in our house.

Or, when opening presents:

Present giver: "It's not much"

Recipient: "Oh, you shouldn't have"

things that our family have NEVER been known to say at Christmas

Come on everyone! Last one to the church is a rotten egg!

I do hope you recorded the Queen's speech so I can file it away with the previous 55 years I have stashed in the cupboard under the stairs

Tell you what, let's NOT play the Beatles' Christmas Fan Club Records this year!

Ditto the Phil Spector Christmas album

No turkey for me thanks, I've gone veggie thanks to that lovely unassuming lass Heather Mills.

I can't wait for the Bond film to start!

That Michael McIntyre's really funny, isn't he?

and the little kiddlywinks would rather play in the box they came in.

We should have just given them an empty box.

'Who wants a bit of Christmas cake?'

Or

'There's a lovely bit of Wensleydale in the fridge, F-C. Why don't you have some with some picallili?'

*Vomits into own lap*

leading up to and the week after, if anyone wants to do something a bit naughty like eat chocolate, have an extra whiskey, solicit a prozzer, we qualify it by saying: "Well, it is Christmas"

'Has he been?' followed by 'He's been, he's been!' exactly as described by Beezer above.

'Have you put the sprouts on a low heat?' - usually said for the first time around mid November and once a week thereafter.

Innit good though? - my Mum's favourite catch-all I-love-Christmas phrase.

And while opening presents:

Shaking and sniffing every present.
Saying 'Ooh, I wonder what this is' when opening a present that can only be one thing because of its shape.
Saying 'It's a... it's a... nother brussel sprout!' as per the Christmas episode of Bottom.

I get a lot of Bah Humbugs said to me over the christmas period and especially on christmas day. But I'm honestly not grumpy just being my normal self with the caveat that everyone else seems to act a little peculiarly!

This good during annual search for agreed (at last) board game.

double posted now trapped in edit hell. (Not a thing the family always says of course...though then again around here...)

It just wouldn't be Christmas at the Ma-In-Law's without at least one mention of "A nice bit of griskin". At all other times in the year it reverts to a piece of loin of pork.

My sister always repeats a lengthy anecdote about one Christams in 1983, when my elder brother threw the most mighty sulking fit over a pair of jeans that he deemed to be 'flares' and the fact that he had not received a copy of 'Chart Hits '83'.

After pouting for most of the day, he retired upstairs to play with his train set and then, a little later, get the hoover out and vacuum the landing carpet.

He was 18 at the time.

Since then 'get the Hoover' has become the shorthand for a less than satisfactory Christmas in our household.

'I've got a few bits to buy tomorrow'....

Yep... that translates to 'everything'.

After wishing everyone good luck for the new year and thanks for pressies my 87 year old Dad will finish off his pre christmas dinner speech with "as me old grandma said before they hung her, sod the lot of them!"

I used to tease my even littler sister that she was going to get coal and rice pudding for her Christmas present (clearly coal is not a desirable present, but rice pudding even less so in my sister's eyes).

I could actually make her cry by whispering "I know what you're getting for Christmas.... coal and rice pudding!" as she was young enough to believe me. (Oh I feel mean now)

The joke continues to this day, with us teasing each other about what we've got each other for a present. ("Be sure to empty the boot of the car, you'll need all the space you can get to take all your coal home")

This year I've got her a lovely, large lampshade, which came in a plain cardboard box. Which I've spent a happy half hour decorating to look like a box from the "Acme Coal Company". One panel even proudly boasts that there's a "Free tin of rice pudding with every order!".

Yes, it's childish. But that's half the fun. Heh heh heh.

Merry Christmas, everyone. xxx

Couldn't say "merry Christmas" his attempt came out as Barry Mitmas. Sometimes we wish each other Barry Mitmas and the fat beardy bloke in the red suit is often referred to as Barry Mitmas rather than Santa or Father Christmas

Barry Mitmas to you all!

My much missed Grandma would stand up every Christmas Day, to perform "It was Christmas in the Workhouse".

It was Christmas Day in the workhouse,
The happiest day of the year,
Their cheeks were red and rosy,
Their bellies full of beer,
Then up stepped little Charlie,
His face as bold as brass,
Saying "We don't want your Christmas pud,
so shove it up your arse!".

Well, that was the idea.

What would actually happen would be that Grandma would crack up, halfway through the poem, and roar and wheeze her way slowly towards the end of it.

"We don't want your Christmas pud... AHAHAHAHAAA... we don't want your Christmas pud... HOOOOO HOOOOO..... so shove it.... HAHAHAAAAAAA, so shove.... WOOOOOOOOO HOOO HOOO HOOO HOOO".

She never actually managed to finish it, she'd eventually have to abandon the poem, laughing too hard to speak.

there will be the obligatory call-and-respons of "I hope you haven't got it already" and "I've heard about this - is it any good ?"
At the end of the evening we exchange the books that we already had until everybody's happy.