Entertainment For Lively Minds
What Can You No Longer Get Away With Wearing?
Posted by Nicodemus on 13 January 2009 - 11:52am.
Do t-shirts make you look like a dart player?
Are skinny/tight jeans just a memory?
Do runners/sneakers now make you look like a homeless person?
Do you open the top two buttons of your shirt or just the one?
How does the 40+ year old man dress without looking like he's going thru' a mid-age crisis?
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easy...
i just let it all hang out, myself...
Get married (or re-married)
Mrs Path and my daughter between them entirely filleted my wardrobe of anything I had ever enjoyed wearing before, including my habit of buying a T shirt at most gigs, buying shirts at motorway service stations and an idea that if it fitted and suited me in 1984, then why shouldn't I still be wearing it?
(On reflection, maybe the answer is to have your mid-life crisis and live thru' it.......)
Get your shirts from
Roussos, the outfitter for the man of creeping circumference.
The lowdown on filling-out
A welcome byproduct of my own filling-out process - that sounds so much better than "irreversible muscular decay", doesn't it? - has been the unexpectedly manly broadening of my previously rather unimposing shoulders, so now for the first time in my life if I put a lumberjack shirt over a plain t-shirt and turn the lights way down low, I can kid myself that I look just like Clint or Ed Harris or Sam Shepard or other really cool Men of Maturity.
(Top tip: The brilliant thing about real Canadian lumberjack shirts is that they're made of several square yards of industrial-thickness cotton. Upper-body garments made of any thinner or closer-fitting material put one at serious risk of what is known in gentleman's-tailoring circles as "the Mulligan & O'Hare effect".)
The biggest problem I have is to select the optimal height for the "waist" (ha!) of my trousers. I don't have that much of a belly on me, but I will readily acknowledge that these days my navel is a good bit closer to the mirror than my nipples are - racing away from the rest of my body in a manner disturbingly redolent of Seb Coe losing the pack after the bell. If I fasten my belt below the bulge, the inevitable result is Homer Simpson; if it's above, then hi, yes, it's me - Patrick Moore in a cummerbund.
Short of the rather impractical and no doubt painful daily use of a rivet gun, has anyone come up with any way of getting the belt to stay put in the middle, where it belongs?
Belts...
...are so out, dude.
Not here they aren't
I am not going to look like this. Ever.
Archie,
have you tried taping one piece of velcro to your stomach at the desired height; then attach the corresponding piece of velcro to the inner waistband of your trousers.
Match 'em up and voila!
Of course, if you get lucky with a lady, you may need to take some time in the bathroom removing this paraphenalia before any (cough) exertions. Tip: leave the tap running to muffle the sound of the velcro being torn off.
Great idea, but wouldn't it involve...
certain depilation issues that don't bear thinking about?
I used to own a pair of trousers...
...with a Velcro fly. They had very deep pockets. Often as I plunged my hands into them to retrieve my wallet, the metal popper would come undone, the Velco fly would tear apart, and they would be left clinging to my waist by a thin strip of material that functioned as a built-in belt, while I struggled not to expose myself to the checkout assistant in Sainsbury's.
They were terrible trousers, however they did have one plus point that made all their impracticalities worthwhile: Embroidered vertically down the inside of the fly was the motto: 'Never Stop Exploring'.
"Velcro Fly"...
... would be a great name for a band.
Was also
the name of a ZZ Top song, iirc.
I didn't say what I was wearing now.
I find an all in one romper suit completely avoids the need for a belt at all.
To answer the five...
T-shirts are not - yet - out. Unless overpriced like Beckham's Crass blingshirt.
Skinny jeans for girls only...dudes need not go there.
Sneakers are alright.
Top button is enough, anything more is too Brett Anderson.
Do not emulate Bowie circa Reality tour and you'll be fine.
Just mentioning...
...Brett Anderson in the context of undone buttons dates you, you know.
Caught sight of myself...
... in a shop window the other day and got depressed.
So, I treated myself to six pints of Guinness that evening.
Now, where am I going wrong?
Who....
...said you were going wrong?
True!
...Gotta stop this self-loathing.
I used to talk with a homeless guy near where I grew up...
and this gent (probably in his seventies) used to repeatedly tell me that all he consumed was Guinness, and that all the stuff one needed for a healthy life was contained within. The adverts used to run "Guinness is good for you", so who am I to argue?
Are you sure
That he was not in his thirties and just looked like he was in his seventies?
You probably wouldn't
want to sit behind him on the bus, though. Incidentally, I though Baked Beans were the only mandatory food requirement to an all-Guinness diet.
Get yourself a good suit
As I've got older, I've appreciated more and more the benefits of a good suit. It doesn't have to be expensive, providing it fits well and the colour is appropriate.
Anything from 'American Apparel' or 'Top Man', however, is definitely out.
With a name like that...
... I'd have to take your advice.
Seconded
Suits are the wee boy. So to speak.
I have a technique which always works for me.
If I'm ever in a men's outfitters and can't decide whether what I'm about to buy is appropriate for my age, I always remember the the four letters, WWWW.
This handy, easy-to-remember acronym stands for 'What Would Weller Wear?' Think of what the 'Style Councillor' is currently wearing and, if you think he would wear it, don't buy it. It's not going to be right for a middle-aged man.
Personally I subscribe to the Ebbot Lundberg approach
of wearing a kaftan - ideal for hiding the effects of too many pints of real ale.
Perfect example here on an earlier post of mine, before and after...
http://www.wordmagazine.co.uk/content/out-ashes-great-bands-great-bands
Like Mr. Alexei Sayle..
..I buy clothes at the shop that specialises in the fuller figure..."Mr Fat Bastard"
Welcome back, Shane!
Recently noticeable by your absence. Where've you been?
Occasionally...
..One has to leave the country pile to go and earn a living, this involves some amount of travelling. I'm not happy about it, but there it is. Thanks for asking Nige.
I have the same dilemma
So it's no to All Saints, Abercrombie & Fitch, Firetrap and Top Man, and hello to Paul Smith, Reiss, Banana Republic and Ted Baker. They're the only ones catering for the fortysomething man.
Gap's fine. Next is for squares.
Just don't become one of those lazy cunts who lets his wife/partner buy his clothes.
Seconded
Always buy your own kit. I'm with Five-Centres on the retail outlet choices. Just buy the classic lines. Plain jeans etc.
Once past 40 never, ever buy anything with a picture on it. No band t-shirts or 'witty' slogans. Just simple plain coloured t-shirts (Fat Face etc do good ones)
And boots. Leave your trainers in the cupboard and spend as much as you can on the best pair of brown leather boots you can find.
Having said all that - ignore me. I still look like a sack of shite tied up in the middle.
Not one mention
of white socks? Own up! Pretty much agree with Andy but not the boots. Classic Adidas work for me. Cape Town birds love Stan Smiths or Samba's.
I've ditched all T-Shirts
with a band logo or a comic superhero on. Even the ironic and post-modern ones.
Maybe...
... The WORD Merchandise Store should start stocking lumberjack shirts (as per Archie's suggestion above) instead of t-shirts for the typical WORD reader?
Mrs. F has hidden
my old tank tops. (In fact, I reckon she might have thrown some of them out.) I reckon if I keep wearing the same old stuff it'll go in and out of fashion and, over the course of a lifetime, I'll spend around the same amount of time in and out of fashion myself. It's not a logic Mrs. F appreciates...
cripes
Hm, lots of sound advice there. Seems like I'm the only 40-something (oh ok, pushing 44) bloke here who DOES occasionally shop at Top Man, A&F (before they redesignated their stores as pseudo-nightclubs with dim lighting and long queues), American Apparel et al. I'm also happy to be thus far fending off the middle-aged midriff and I have even had my mid-life crisis already!
That's all very well tho. I'm still turning into my dad, viz I won't actually enter any "boutiques" where the music is painfully loud, jarring or sweary. I'll harrumph and turn the other way, thanks. It's too loud, and you can't see the threads... I mean hear the words.
Has nobody mentioned hairstyles yet ? Shave it off! You know it makes sense! Let those clippers relieve your baldness!
Clippers? Hah!
For lightweights only. Wet shave for that billiard ball gleam.
Shave me head?
No way. Even if my waistline is expanding I still have a thick mane, even if is a little grey around the edges.
That's another thing: anyone started using the Grecian2000 around these parts?
Surely not!
Which parts are you using
Grecian2000 round?
None!
I promise.
but how do you do the back of your head
With the aid of mirrors and a steady hand? Or do you have an assistant who does the difficult bits of your "grooming" routine?
If we're talking shaving here,
it's simply a question of touch. A steady hand helps, obviously, and it's important not to hurry. *Very* important. (And, of course, the Grecian 2000 question is rendered redundant.)(For the head, at least....)
As for assistants, you remind me that my first wet-shaven head (previously a clippers-using lightweight) was at the hands of my friend Anu.
She'd been brought up a Hindu, and had had her head shaved at the age of five or so, finding it most traumatic that when she got home her brother and sister didn't recognise her. She'd been looking for seventeen years for someone's head to shave, and I was the obvious candidate.
I'm pleased to say that Anu was very gentle and careful - it took the whole first half and most of half time of the 1990 World Cup Final.
What about one of these?
A headblade head shaving thing
It's got wheels on it. Available here (and actually well reviewed).
http://www.mankind.co.uk/Sport-Scalp-Razor-PRODHBHR8/
Jeez! Is there no simple process
that someone won't complicate by trying to make money out of it? I buy my razors from Lidl - no wheels involved, other than pushbike or car to get there - and use the same one for head and face.
Much cheaper, doubtless just as effective, and my shaving gear doesn't look like it should be starring in some CGI cartoon about a prosthetic nose with mobility problems, who finds fulfillment in the male grooming business.
I'm intrigued, though, Lee: had you been waiting for the right moment to share this device with us, or was it the fruit of a spectacularly serendipitous Google search?
(Just realised I didn't explain in my first that Anu's five-year-old self had had her head shaved in some religious ceremony, and not simply to freak out a whole family's worth of children....)
I admit to having used the Mankind website before
I have always used a moisturiser and wet shaved so have tried a few of the products they sell (Zirh is very good). I remember falling of my chair when I saw this prodcut though and thought that no one could ever have that in the bathroom. Your comment reminded me of the device. I am intrigued by it though but have, through luck of genetics, a lot of thick old hair and a hairdresser wife so I have no desire or purpose to properly shave my head. Bad enough having to do the front of my head every morning.
I've just suffered the humiliation
of seeing myself on someone's bootleg video on YouTube jumping about making a drunken fool of myself (not uncommon) at a recent Soundtrack of Our Lives gig in Sweden.
All you can see is a huge gleaming bald patch - at first I thought what the f**k is my dad doing!
Then it dawned on me who it actually was...oh dear, still if The Monks re-form to tour again and need a bass player...
Apparently...
...the trick to looking younger than your age is to dress older than your age.
I can't quite let go, though I have been known to favour the "Jeremy Clarkson" ie jeans and (what our parents called) a sports jacket.
My rules
Clean shaven. Beard makes me look old and scruffy.
Jeans, shirt and suit type jacket. No shiny shoes with jeans ever.
Band t-shirts are a bit dodgy.
Keep hair short. Keeps the grey sides from being obvious.
Don't buy clothes in M&S.
Wear a suit whenever appropriate. Good shirt but no tie.
Listen to my wife.
M&S
the "don't buy clothes from M&S" rule should be amended to
"don't buy anything in M&S you could imagine your Dad wearing". Their top end suits are well styled and good quality for the price you pay.
Mind you their Blue Harbour stuff is designed to be worn by fifty year old accountants who have been dragged away from their desk by their overbearing spouses and told to have a good time.
Excellent description...
... of the Blue Harbour brand.
And, yes, their Autograph and designer suits can be quite tasty.
I should add
That I need an inside leg of 35" and M&S deign not to go beyond a 33". And suit trousers that are a little on the short side are unforgivable.
Unless you're this fella...
Nah
he's proved my point.
Tommy Saxondale.....
Although it seems Mojo is his titular magazine of choice, the ex Deep Purple roadie's sartorial outfit of choice is drawn directly from the Massive's posts above.
Shaggy, greying mane of hair. Check
Plain t-shirt. Check
Lumberjack shirt. Check
Straight line jeans. Check
Brown boots. Check.
The beard is where the battle lines are drawn. In line with recent Word covers, not a freaky tidy beard, but a nice shaggy thatch...
So, is Tommy Saxondale the resident Word fashionista...the composite of the dreams and elegance we aspire to?
Anyone for a Focus and Mountain reappraisal?
A missive of nearly a year ago
From our very own Tommy Saxondale:
"Errr...
actually it was for the comment above from Mr Darcy. But don't worry, you can have one as well for saying I am Saxondale. Which is absolutely true. Except I'm better looking and don't have a beer gut.
reply
Patrick Crowther | 23 January 2008 - 7:56pm"
cycles
Fashion seems to be constantly looking backwards for “inspiration” as reinterpreting styles from the past is probably a lot easier than using your imagination and coming up with something new. Gentlemen of a certain age should work on the rule that if you can remember the last time a style was in fashion then you are too old to wear it this time around.
Another sartorial question...
... brown shoes with black trousers: yes or no?
Frank Zappa was right.
Brown shoes don't make it
"Brown Shoes don't make it
Quit school, why fake it
Brown shoes don't make it
TV dinner by the pool
Watch your brother grow a beard
Got another year of school
You're okay, he's too weird
Be a plummer
He's a bummer
He's a bummer every summer
Be a loyal plastic robot
For a world that doesn't care
That's right"
Glad to be grey
OK, you're no longer a slender hippy, the biceps are receding along with the hair, deal with it. So what sartorially have I learned?
Baby boomer men should avoid MS, unless they relish the mutton dressed as dog look; Uncle Bryn Gavin & Stacey is satire. Equally attempting either Camden goth or gansta' attire will justly make you the subject of mirth. (Do NOT borrow your son's hoodies...) Do not wear Cat diesel baseball caps unless you really do drive a truck for a living. Ditto Timberland boots and tree felling.
So what works?
Murphy & Nye T shirts ( pricey so get them in the frequent online sales) the most durable around and the neck doesn't stretch
Converse trainers still hack it (Nike, Reebok, etc emphatically don't)
Uniqlo can be your friend. Their standard jeans (not the skinny ones) are surprisingly good now that Levi are crap and half the price. (Oh for a return of of the original Silver Tabs.) Cheap and colourful cotton cashmere pullover/sweatshirts are good value.
Time to cover the tattoos, cut the hair short and avoid anything but the most discrete jewellery.
Smelling clean is universally appreciated, male perfume just makes old guys appear desperate.
Suits (the single M&S exception but choose carefully) and ties to be worn sparingly, shiny shoes never - brown leather is fine since it indicates you are unlikely to work in sales or middle management.
For ideological if no other reasons Gap and Primark have been very naughty and must be punished.
Single top button, duh!
Thanks so much for the advice...
but if you're comfortable, warm, dry and not shallow enough to think that it will get you laid, what the hell does it matter?
Shallow or not
A Blue Harbour fleece would stop Brad Pitt getting laid.
(Sort of) on-topic...
... the Paul Morley doc. "Pop and Fashion" is on the BBCiPlayer:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00gq7dx
IMHO
I thought this was a bit dull. As my wife said as she left the lounge half way through the programme to do the washing up, "what's the point of this programme?"
true...
... it was pretty poor alright.
Suits is the way forward
As Laughing Len said, "When you get to my age, if you don't wear a suit, people think you're homeless".
Not very comfy, though.
What about undies though?
If you were too old for boxers, too young for baggy 'Y' fronts (Bernard Manning style)and used to get what are often called briefs or summat from M&S only to discover that they seemed to have been scaled down in size so that even Xtra large seems a bit on the tight side even for someone with a reasonably modest 35 inch waist? I think it may have something to do with them being made out in Egypt where Xtra large is when you have outgrown boxing's flyweight division. So, where to instead?
Never too old for boxers
Just stick with white cotton and you'll be fine. John Lewis do fine ones.
Pants
Time to seek the wisdom of Mr Paxman who has strong opinions on the matter... a Word interview perchance?