It is a truth universally acknowledged that many well-known songs of our time are in possession of lyrics based upon obscure Georgian, Edwardian and Victorian novels. See if you can identify the following songs from the literary works that inspired them:

1.

The young man of whom I speak did his very utmost to forestall the inevitable. On occasions he would tease us, implying that our dearly held Catholic rituals bore marked resemblances to those fervent outdoor ceremonies practised on the isles of Haiti; such as were recently described to us in an edifying lecture given by the dearly departed Lord Haversby.

Regrettably the children of the borough were an uncouth rabble of urchins, deficient in both in charm and etiquette. In their crude estimation the young man was the messiah, in possession of a gluteus maximus gifted to him from on high and clothed in heavenly raiment.

Alas and alak! It is my sorrowful duty to report to those esteemed members of the Royal Society assembled before me, that this poor lost soul went beyond the pale in his actions, and by association beyond the forgiveness of polite society. I will however submit that he was remarkably proficient in the use of stringed instruments.

2.

My Dearest Harriet,

This morning, while beset by melancholy, I was given to wonder how many people whom one holds in high regard as paragons in their chosen fields, suddenly undergo a near protean metamorphosis that is not always to the good.

I subsequently found myself pondering the quantity of existences that might be defined by a dispassionate observer as peculiar, or somehow out of kilter, as if their architects have been affected by the vapours, or subject to some long-dormant family madness.

Following on from these dark thoughts, and for reasons I know not, I became thoroughly vexed as to your whereabouts on the occasion that a great party of us made a bracing ascent to the summit of Penn hill, there to hear a lengthy sermon on the subject of hubris, given by the Bishop of Rochester.

I write these lines to you having proceeded along the broad corridor of the east wing at what might be charitably described as a snails crawl; although may I add that my perambulations exhibited a good deal more velocity than the lacklustre pace displayed by the shells fired at the King’s regiments by French artillery.

3.

Sir,

I feel it both good and right for me to reveal that concealed beneath this mask of soft femininity lays a contraption, mechanical in nature, whose purpose is of a wanton and amorous disposition that sets itself in opposition to the chaste values and practises of our land.

To maintain proper function this device requires, from your person, mouth-to-mouth contact of the kind ordinarily committed within the sanctity of holy wedlock and traditionally first authorised by a member of the clergy, following an exchange of vows before witnesses. This you may administer in a singular dosage, or should you prefer it, as a trinity.

Furthermore, the good function of said mechanism is dependant upon a daily act of compression. It is imperative that this be administered manually, rather than through the application of the whalebone undergarments which I now cast aside with a harlot’s abandon, while wondering what those families residing in properties adjacent to our own will make of such a display.