Despite the detectives' apparently 100% clearup rate, their bosses still gives them a hard time and never back them up.

for the last fifteen years and sleeping in his car for an hour per night our hero can still catch villains twenty years his junior in a straight sprint. And then, without gasping for air, he will biff them to the ground while calling them names.
In a shoot out any convenient object will provide him with adequate cover from high velocity projectiles. He can pause while a dozen goons pepper the vicinity of his head with bullets before discharging his own weapon with olympic standard accuracy. He can even do this while leaning out of a swerving car.

Oh, and - it's not TV - but can I post this?

After early cock ups in the A&E, finds redempton by saving life of patient by spotting symptom everyone else missed

Anyone who watches a TV news report about themselves (while usually on the run for a crime they didn't commit) turns it off before the report is finished. This may be to avoid the following report about a skateboarding squirrel (or something)....

"Open up! Police!"

Immediately, nods are exchanged - whammo - door is bashed off its hinges by one kick.

Window open - net curtains flapping in the breeze.

"We lost him, boss"
"Damn!" (punches a stuffed animal)

can almost always be found when they're required - a quick wave and/or a whistle and one will pull up in a couple of seconds. And of course our hero always has the exact money at his fingertips (frequently without looking at the note he's holding).

And traffic is rarely built up, let alone jammed. Unless it's for comic effect.

When the police turn up at the run-down council house looking for the errant scrote of a son, they always address his slapper of a mother by her first name, implying that he's a serial offender and they often drop by to pick him up. "Where is he Violet? C'mon luv, stop pissing us about".

And the mother always gives the cops a mouthful of unbelievable abuse back, which only prompts them to smash the place up a bit more.

Then there's the police snout, or informer. He's invariably a sad, consumptive figure in a dirty mac with a twitchy smack habit. They meet on a park bench, or in a grubby cafe and he always addresses the cop as "Mr".

The cop in turn treats his snout like something he scraped off his shoe before disdainfully shoving a £20 note at him across the table.

Following the next ad break the snout is usually found hanging from his own light fitting.

Just as our hero is about to confront arch villian and henchmen in their lair (* always, repeat, always in the dead of night*), goes to phone for backup. They find their phone has been lost/broken/out of battery/no signal - a deus ex machina that has been battered into the viewer's psyche in an earlier scene.

Our hero will never wait or wander the neighbourhood looking for an upstanding citizen to borrow a phone from. Which is why most confrontations are in deserted industrial estates or compounds in dense woodland.

A more believeable version would be that our hero's phone would be locked out by his 5 year old trying to get to a Thomas the Tank Engine app followed by lenghty calls to his provider and trawling through drawers and boxes looking for an IMEI number. Televisual gold, I tells ya..

If The Bill turn up to the home of a miscreant, said miscreant's wife/mother/sister will be engaged in a domestic task, hanging up laundry/cleaning etc which they will not stop doing as they talk to the visiting officers.

When the police bang at my door I also continue with the chores as I talk with them...

Is totally socially acceptable in sit coms, but not on dramas*

* See also: Paying for hookers.

in US sitcoms will be younger, more intelligent, and unfeasibly far too attractive for them if said character is the star.

I give you the wives of .....

Jim Belushi in "According to Jim"

Kevin James in "King of Queens"

or receives bad news, they always say, "Get out!" then proceed to do a back-against-the-door slump. You know the one: they sort of slide down the door with their back...into a heap of despair.

No-one has ever done this is in real life.

The girl always has a straight-laced boyfriend called Todd and she is initially repulsed by our hero's lack of table manners/dress sense or his penchant for fisticuffs. However, by the end of the show she is is saying "You go on ahead without me Todd ..." as she takes a swig of whiskey from the bottle.

When spotting a suspect from a distance, the cops always yell 'Hey (name) Stay Right There! Police!' They are then surprised when the suspect does a runner.
When fighting off an assailant, whenever said assailant has been grounded, no-one (I mean no-one) gives him a right shoeing there and then. They always leg it so that the assailant has time to recover & re-commence the chase.
When in a night club, if the singer is part of the plot, the hero will watch the (usually female) singer come on stage, do one number, then come off stage to talk to the cop/private eye/whatever.

appears to have no physical consequences at all. Not even a scratch.

it's compulsory for police cars to become airborne on every terraced street.

is always paired with a decent god-fearing happily married-with-cute-kids play by the rules rookie.

They never give him an equally mean and damaged partner.

Nobody ever says "bye" at the end of a phone call, they just hang-up.

A bit rude isn't it?

"Can you just zoom in here?"

[Operator draws rectangle on screen]

"And can you go in on this man?"

[Sweeping zoom effect]

"Can you enhance that?"

[Furious tapping of keyboard]

Lo and behold, a bunch of big blocky pixels are transformed into a recognisable face.

I've been using Photoshop for several years and still haven't been able to master this technique.

Government geeks can hack into anything and get complete life histories, credit details and phone log without breaking sweat. No warrants or permissions are required.

Arrested persons always a hot-shot lawyer, refuse to answer questions, say 'We're Done Here', or some variant and walk out of the police station.

Alternatively they are infeasibly rich and have some pull with the city/state authorities/mayor and can threaten the cop/investigator's livelihood.

In situation comedy shows, friends or neighbours walk straight through the front door at any time of day or night and take over the conversation/get immediate attention. Also take food out of fridge and help themselves.

Cops always have father who was a cop and who was shot in the line of duty;

Handguns, when wielded by miscreants, are far more accurate and effective if held sideways rather than vertically.

This does not apply to the good guys' guns.

(A MacBook.)

No one in TV or movie-land owns a Dell, HP, Sony or Acer.

sneaking up on people in helicopters - always happening to Jack Bauer

...spotted in distance on crowded street. Our hero/heroine runs after them, just reaches them, taps them on shoulder (or spins them around violently)...and would you believe it, it's not the missing loved one at all, it's a stranger in exactly the same clothes/hairstyle (NOTE: never chase after a missing loved one in a red coat as it may be a murderous dwarf with a big knife)

Usually starts with one seated person rising and clapping slowly, then gradually joined by all the other people in the room applauding wildly. Hero/heroine looks sheepish. You can also guarantee that the main protagonist's rival will eventually rise and begrudgingly acquiesce with one eyebrow raised and limp smile.

See Disclosure, most Robin Williams films, last ever episode of The League Of Gentlemen and the excellent parody in Team America.

Oh hang on, none of those are U.S TV dramas. Sorry.

This was rife in the X Files where Scully would always insist that whatever apparently paranormal phenomenon they were investigating could be explained away as a group of stray cats or something, perhaps an enraged badger. The problem is, when every case you've investigated for the last ten years has turned out to be some kind of ghost, alien or genetic mutant, the rational conclusion is that this week's culprit is probably going to be more of the same.

See also Fringe, but not Scooby Doo.

On second ulcer and third wife is always paired with young keen straight arrow ethnic minority rookie. The cynic may also be a bit of a racist. The rookie cocks up from zeal and learns the value of experience. The cynic sees his younger self and /or is impressed by a feat of intellect or brawn by the rookie, But they row in a way that means the cynic gets to throw some choice racist epiphets he then deeply regrets. There is then a late night and in no way homoerotic bar reconciliation. Then they go and get the bad guys. Cynic gets shot but pulls though. Humorous banter at the end.

You'll know things are improving between the Great Satan and the Islamic world if there is a show on these lines pairing a cynical cop with a straight-arrow suicide bomber

It's a legal requirement that all bars & nightclubs feature neon lighting. Oh, and the music they play is at a volume that even a librarian would find too quiet (still doesn't stop just the right amount of people dancing to it though- the dance floor's never empty, nor is it crowded).

I'll start.

"48 Hours".

rubs heads and looks a bit woozy.

Sap: "aah, what happened?"

grizzled lead character with steely eyes: "although I lost you back there, I assume some gang member crept up on you and simply knocked you out with a single blow, leaving you sprawled here in plain view, but only after you had witnessed some small item of essential plot development, which you're going to tell me now"

Sap : "erm yes, they did mention some deadline, a meeting with an even bigger baddie and a very specific location we need to get to in the next scene"

Lead : " Of course, that's just what I had already begun to suspect, their plans being very fiendishly evil indeed. Are you ok to run, slightly limping, off this anonymous looking though much frequented baddie headquarters which you managed to stumble upon earlier?"

Sap : "actually yes I find that I am. Although it was a very harsh pistol whip to the skull I am not bleeding and have no loss of balance even now. It's a wonder they didn't just kick the living shit out of me and throw me in the dock. I mean I am jeopardising their intricate, high value criminal plans and am blatantly soft as shite."

Lead : " yes soft as shite with a slightly foolhardy sense of justice etc. ha hah ha..uh Hey, I parked very nearby just after they had all left, let's drive to that location you mentioned and spy on some henchmen up to no good, although we could just cut from this scene when we're past those spuriously placed oil barrels over there."

Sap : " yes. And perhaps, in the car, I could ask you some pointless questions about your back story while you rapidly freewheel around town without ever stopping at a single junction. You could turn to look at me meaningfully but silently when I eventually hit a raw nerve about your regretful past/dead wife/ex-partner/shameful stripping of rank "

Lead : " just don't get too close to me, I will not be redeemed simply by confronting my issues for the first time in years. That will have to wait until all those baddies are dead and Mr Big is arrested - just after I've done the big stunt finale but before all my plodding colleagues turn up late and mob-handed. Maybe the chief will grudgingly accept that my shoddy lifestyle and appalling work ethic consistently gets well-timed results. Ideally I could reconcile myself with that vague female character I had a sassy exchange with earlier in this episode. She actually loves successful but down at heel men with a few scars and a twinkly eye, despite making it plain she thought the opposite earlier..."

Sap : Um this is no time for idle chatter. Let's go.

*Oil barrels loom*

Geographically off-topic: Kurt Wallander presides over the relatively small Swedish city of Ystad, which features several murders every week. Despite this, it only has a police force of 5; Kurt, his 2 mates Martinsson and Svartmann, and 2 gun-toting cadets

Except that is, in about every 4th episode when they summon the riot squad at which point about 25 guys arrive swiftly in a bus, all tooled up to the max. What they hayull do they do the rest of the time?

What with the manning levels being so small, it's fortunate that they only ever have one case to deal with at any one time

Despite the above, Wallander (the Swedish version with subtitles on BBC4 Saturday nights) is wonderful. Plus I get to laugh at the same point every week where the announcer says "And now, with some strong language.... Wallander". It's subtitled!

"Yes....no.......I don't know" (in reaction to confirming a love interest in the love interest.)

The cop exclaims, after dabbing a dainty pinky in unidentified white powder.

Frank Oz in Trading Places, springs to mind.

by driving 20 yards behind them. They never notice they are being tracked.

An aside
As part of a management team-building beano I was once schooled by some alleged former spooks in the art of surveillance. We were given a "target" (an ex spooks GLW)and told to follow her wherever she went. We followed her - she in her Vauxhall Astra and us in our fully tooled up Mondeo- out of the training centre, and promptly lost her, on a road with only 1 other car on it.

As instructed we rang back to base to be told how to meet up with our target again. It took 7 more phone calls to navigate our way to the local shopping centre (and 1 badly kerbed wheel) where we put our "on foot" training into effect. I tracked her into Debenhams and then stealthily followed someone completely different out the other side and then in and out of WH Smiths, Starbucks, Claire's Accessories and finally La Senza. Talk about no hiding place.

Seatbelts are never worn, & collisions never lead to injury.

think the bad guy is hiding behind one of the dumpsters or around all the garbage. They can hear someone trying not to be heard in there. YES! BECAUSE IT CAN`T POSSIBLY BE ANOTHER BLOODY CAT, CAN IT? THAT WOULD CERTAINLY BE THE FIRST TIME THAT EVER HAPPEND! OMG!

A family member gets innocently caught up in the crime.

Usually down to

a) the protagonist arriving at the lead detective's remote country home after dark when his spouse/child is alone making an elaborate cup of tea requiring them to walk from room to room, all of which have the lights on and the curtains open.

b) the protagonist is the lolly-pop man at the lead detective's child's school but remains beyond suspicion because the lead detective's child actually lives with his estranged spouse (they split up because of his workaholism/alcoholism inability to settle into family situation. what with him being a bit of a maverick and she never quite understood what drove him on in such a nihilistic world)

at the weekend, a theme occured that's been replayed on many US cop-style shows. Quincey/Jessica Fletcher/Columbo will all, at some point, be involved in an episode where they go and visit someone, only for there to be a murder in the town where they're staying.

Why is it that the local sheriff called in to deal with the case will always be an absolute duffer? They are always, to a man, completely rubbish. Especially on Murder she Wrote, where it seems that to attain the status of Sheriff, you musn't - under any circumstances - display the slightest hint of intelligence, insight or ability.

are either 3 storey palatial mansions with vast sweeping staircases, chandeliers and bespoke kitchens .... or dilapidated shacks squeezed between a railway goods yard and the interstate, with electricity pylons buzzing menacingly overhead. There is no in-between.

The Randolph must be absolutely rammed all the time !

must be creaking at the seams by now...............

COP #1: "Just got word from the hospital. Kopowski's in a coma!"

COP #2: "He's a fighter - he'll pull through!"

This also seems to get used on every British soap, where no character ever goes to hospital other than to give birth or be in a coma.

playing darts in a.n. other thread..
Going by TV, There appears to be a dart board on the back of every bedroom door in the U.S. Yet a country of 300 million people has never produced a decent professional darts player*. Just by messing about in a Swedish pub for a couple of weeks Marvin probably became the US number one..

*I expect to be corrected, but I'll stick my neck out anyway

Upset people always sweep everything off the desk or kitchen surfaces - why? I've never seen anyone do that in real life.

Revelation occurs.

It's night.

Man knocks on door.

Woman answers. Dressing Gown. Hair attractively messy.

Man: "I'm sorry. I had nowhere else to go"

(See also "I didn't know where else to go").

Enters woman's home. Child appears. We didn't know she had a child.

Later.
Man: "I'm going."
Woman: "Where?"
Man: "Away."

bloke has affair and wife/girlfriend finds out. bad tempered scene occurs with the following dialogue:

bloke: returns home looking sheepish but not realising he's been rumbled.

woman: "where have you been all night?"

bloke: "sorry babe, I was working late/couldn't get away from a works party/I went out for a walk and lost track of the time".

woman: "did you think I'd never find out. she's my sister for gawd sake. how long have you been screwing her you bastard"

bloke: "oh c'mon babes, it was just a few times. it didn't mean anything. I love you. You're the only one for me."

woman: "who are you kidding? you screw my sister, the little tramp, and you tell me it doesnt mean anything"

bloke: "look, she came onto me, what was I supposed to do? she was a bit down after breaking up with [insert name of other male character in soap) and it was only a bit of fun. youre taking this far too seriously, get over it will you"

woman: looks unsure of herself and a bit guilty for bringing it up. big make up, hugs and kisses etc. bloke looks pensive but relieved. credits roll.

if only real life was like this.