Not a lack of time and energy on my part but rather a commitment to my wife and family. Not that I'm beating them off with a stick obviously.

Both ended up sleeping on the office sofas following their wrecked marriages.

So two destroyed families in exchange for 24 hours a day in an office. Cripes.

But now I'm married and it would be cheating both my wife and son and the worst thing about cheating is that you have to live the lie 24/7, it's a hell of a task lying all day every day.

I don't think you can make any assumptions about what type of mental anguish this mutual friend of yours may be going through. He may well be the type of person who goes through life taking what he wants from it and bugger the consequences. It wouldn't be right for you, but it sounds right for him. And good luck to him.

All of my married male friends are having affairs. Granted, that's only half a dozen. One of them has a young child with his wife, a long-standing girlfriend on top of that, plus, whenever we go away for the firm annual conference, he usually ends up shagging someone else as well. Last time it was with a married woman who had a 6 month old child.

My oldest friend - unmarried but with 2 young boys - generally cannot keep it in his pants.

I was married myself. I took my vows very seriously. Trusted my wife implicitly. She had an affair, too.

I'm single, now. Last 2 relationships have been with married women.

Both my parents had affairs.

In short, I think everyone's at it. What was it John Betjeman said, about whether he had any regrets in life? He said he wished he'd had more sex. I think most of us would concur.

It was unforgivable. I have a very low (call it non-existent) tolerance for people who do it.

My dad was a bit of a womaniser in his time and I was brought up by my mum. Hated my dad for a while because of it until I found myself as an adult doing the same.

Various reasons: main one being not being able to keep it in my pants probably, but the last time was to give me a way out of a relationship that had been dead for a while but was safe. Infact that relationship had been soured by infidelities on both sides in the first place but managed to limp along for over a decade.

My escape left me in a better place and eventually led to me meeting the woman I married. However I could simply have walked, I didn't need a safety net, not really.

I'm not condoning it - and in the end everyone has the willpower to say I'm not going to go down that route - but there are more reasons for it than simply not keeping your libido in check.

However, those celebs who claim 'sex addiction' - I think it's ridiculous. You can fancy any number of people outside of your relationship, it doesn't mean you have to chase any of them. And if they're chasing you there is a word: 'No.'

Yeah, so speaking as somebody who has been there, done it and had the t-shirt wrapped around my neck afterwards, there are numerous reasons, but in the end no excuses. It's wrong, no matter what you get out of it.

Totally subjective I know, but for me it's exhausting, turns you into everything you've never thought you'd be and and wouldn't want to be, changes your relationships with everyone - not just the cheated - always costs a fortune no matter which way it plays out and ultimately offers little in reward.

My moment of clarity was lying in bed one night churning thing over and suddenly realising that, even to myself, I coiuld not by any stretch, be described as a nice man many more.

20 years ago now, but still haunts my dreams (copyright Silvekrin 1974). But totally true - still wake up sweating at what I did.

Presbyterian guilt.

...done it. Fun while it lasted, but fallout generally not recommended. And had it done to me. Not recommended either.

Sleeping between two beds is a fiddle,
You're bound to fall down the hole in the middle.

Just wanted to work that one in. ("Mr. Cool" from the 'Yes We Have No Mananas' album. Which is wonderfully wonderful.) As you were.

'Never lie to the one you trust, and never trust one who lies to you'.I became the person I used to have little respect for when I was younger.I'm not proud of the mess I've created.The fallout has been severe and painful.I tell the truth now, at all times, and try as I might, can't fix the hurt I've caused.This is a painful lesson that I won't forget.

.. I've no idea where people find the time for it.

Ok, bit of slap & tickle while you are at the work training conference (substitute whatever is relevant) once a year, I can get my head round - but long term affair; Jesus, it must be easier going to work.. and then the cost - not something I would say can be carried out on a shoestring I imagine - how on earth can you "hide" stream of money that's invariably spent.

Can't see any benefit whatsoever myself, other than a load of mither from two FPO's.... & the fact that I'm sure I'd start hallucinating & see my little daughters face when the deed was being carried out !

I documented this time ago on the Massive, but briefly, the ex Mrs Geach had several affairs during our time together, including one with a person of the same sex...The only one I knew (at that time, before I knew about the others) had lasted four years....I had not got a scoobydoo. When the brown stuff hit the fan, I told her it was all over. "You can't do this, you're my best friend" she said... no trace of irony. Go figure.

Serial shagger in his younger days. Serially unfaithful to a string of girlfriends. He'd have fucked a snake if someone would've held it straight for him.

Now married, two kids, loves his beautiful (and slightly fearsome) wife.

Lives his life in terror that he'll stray. He knows he could do it. He gets tempted so often. He knows how he could do it. It is ALWAYS the trip away with work or the night out with colleagues.

she doesn't like it".

Jimmy Carr

My mum had an affair, when I was in my late teens. She told me about it, and swore me to secrecy - she made me promise I wouldn't tell my dad or my younger sister.

This was, as I'm sure you can imagine, quite a horrible thing to be saddled with. It made me feel quite remote from my dad and my sister, because I was always worried that when I opened my mouth to talk to them, I'd let something slip.

Turned out, ten years later, she'd also said the same thing, at the same time, to my then 13 year-old sister and swore her to secrecy too.

I still don't understand why she thought that was acceptable behaviour.

Sunday lunch over at your parents house must be like a Swedish film sometimes.

Strangely, I can relate to your mums actions: the need to confess and be punished is sometimes strong in the adulterer (I speka as an ex one) . What better way for a woman to stick a pin in the bleeding wound of their guilt than to bring their kids into it.

Been married twice, never been unfaithful either time but my first wife was unfaithful even though she denies it to this day. Have been unfaithful loads of times in my head - is fantasy acceptable? I think it is and I think we are all guilty of it. Is it a sin? I am not sure it is.
If you can keep your marriage exciting then the risk of straying is less acute. This is a hard task in the modern world with incredible levels of stress from our working lives, pressure from a materialistic culture and the constant peddling of sex to sell everything from chocolate bars to furniture. My brother adapts the shag anything that moves attitude. My dads brother was the same. I am wondering if there is a rogue gene maybe.
As much as i love sex I couldn't risk hurting my family for something so transient.

It was about mid life crisis, but it touched a lot of bases, & I think sexual fidelity came up during the course of the thread.

I have never had an affair, never wanted one, as I get older, my urge (& ability!)to "put it about" has decreased to the point of being non existent.

(& yes, this bald, overweight 50 something has had the opportunity!)

My sons however are serial shaggers (to the extent that anything female & under 40 is considered fair game by my eldest son - pulse optional).

I honestly dont know if I should be amused, jealous, proud, offended or disgusted by this behaviour, so I usually combine a mixture of all of those emotions in varying degrees.

I think my sons & I will all be going to hell.

I wasn't ever faithful to anyone before I was married. I alway's justified my bad behaviour on my unhappy chldhood, but that was obviously a load of self-justifying bollocks. Got married when I was 42, and 6 years later can't really see myself straying. I don't have any moral objections to the concept, But A) I'm knackered b) the thought of exposing my repulsive body to a new partner gives me the hives c) The fact is me sex drive isn't what it was- I don't really lust for the ladies like I once did d) I live in somewhat middle class splendour and don't fancy going back to a bedsit.

I had a call from the security gate where I used to work, and was told that a very angry and aggressive woman was demanding to see her husband, Mick. I called him, and he asked me to tell her that he couldn't get out to see her. He sounded scared.

When I confronted her, his wife lost it completely. She threatened the security guards and I with a good kicking if we didn't fetch the "no good lying, cheating c*** right now". She said that she would also call the police and have him arrested for beating her up. I fetched Mick.

He appeared with a black eye, lumps all over his head and various cuts. He is about 6 feet 5 high and built like a shire horse. He got out the words "look, can we.." before she leapt on him and proceded to administer a grade A shoeing. It took 3 of us to prize her off him.
It turned out she had discovered that he had been living a double life, having an affair for the last 10 years, ooh, and had a child with the other woman too, even though he told his wife he never wanted kids. He got found out when some of his wife's workmates bumped into him one afternoon pushing a pram around, mistress in tow. They told.

Ever since that day he has been known as Mick the wifebeater.

'I'd rather have a cup of tea.'

Nasty, messy, squelchy business.

But my first wife cheated on me (hence she is no longer my wife). And I was the "other man" in somebody else's marriage for a while when I was between marriages. That was awkward and not where I wanted to be but I was flattered that this woman literally pursued me. She also wanted me to leave "evidence" (to put it as delicately as I can) in the hope that her husband would find it (I declined).

It was when I met her youngest child that I realised I was well out of my depth and stopped seeing her.

While I can imagine (on a theoretical basis only, I emphasise!) straying after one or two drinks too many if away from home, I can't imagine a long-term affair. Quite apart from any moral scruples, how on earth would it work? My wife knows where I am at almost any given time and I'm a hopeless liar.

Who was notorious for absolutely having to shag someone when away from home, which was often. He picked up some company in the hotel bar, took her back to his room and, clever this, takes the phone off the hook so they wont be disturbed. Just as reception put his live in girlfriends call through. She heard everything and the upshot was all his clothes in bin bags outside when he got home. Serves him right.

I took vows in a church and I believe in them.

I'm not religious and I'm not a moraliser but I do have a vivid imagination. I can imagine all the pain and hurt I would cause to my wife and children and the rest of the family if I strayed. I can imagine the guilt I would feel the morning after a one night stand with another woman let alone conducting an affair. I trust my wife implicitly and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling because, bless her, she will not let me fester in my own troubles because she knows how remote I become otherwise. She knows what makes me my own worst enemy and refuses to let me take that path. That is now the basis of our love for each other, that constant support through thick and thin, the joint commitment to the kids, being known as a mum and dad more than as a husband and wife or, as it used to be, 2 lovers. Our high expectations of each other used to be about different things to what they are today but through luck, good judgement and hard work we've managed to keep many high expectations of each other as common goals in our relationship.

People fall in love for so many different reasons but as you get older you find that the reasons to stay together in a truly loving relationship have little do with what made you fall in love with each other in the first place. And that is the crux for me, knowing that I still love my wife despite not loving her for the same reasons now as I did before. That makes me a very lucky man but it's only possible because my wife feels the same way as I do about why we are together now. I know that because we talk about it, not just say those 3 words every once in a while, and that is now the measure of our love for each other. We are intimate with each other in ways that we never were when we were burning with passion for each other. I love my wife passionately but in different ways to before.

Kids are outright passion killers on so many levels and there are times when I would like nothing else that to have a weekend of nothing but my wife and room service. But that's the point: I only want that with my wife. There's a lot that's been put on hold in our relationship by virtue of having the kids but again, being on hold is, in itself, just a very, very, very long bit of foreplay. I'm still homing in on the woman of my dreams it's just that she's playing hard to get by being a mother first.

I have. I did it. More than once, in fact.

Left the office at lunchtime, told everyone I was going to the gym, met up with my partner in crime for a delicious slice of midday passion, and returned to work, emanating a satisfied glow that only I knew was from a sex session, not a step session. Doing something really rather naughty, lying about where I’d been, thinking about what I’d just done. Bloody marvellous.

By the way, it was with my husband (who I was married to at the time and still am). You don’t have to find someone else to keep a bit of excitement in your life. Have the odd nooner.

is the last place I expected to find my ideal woman.

diary, plate. Sorted!

tells me she is perfectly happy for me to have affairs. Just so long as she pays her share of the household bills, and comes round to do the cleaning, and looking after the kids.

I imagine that would be a bit of a passion killer really.

(sorry to introduce levity into a serious subject)

Well not that seriouse is it? People have been following their genitals since they crawled out of the primordial ooze and their not going to stop now. Some body once said being married is like two sheets of sandpaper rubbing together, in good marriages you don't mind the rubbing too much. My wife and I have certainly rubbed the aggregate pretty hard but on the whole we still enjoy being together. The thoughts of the energy, both physical and mental; to keep another relationship going... Thats beyond me. That is my jugement. Others possibly don't invest as much in to the relationship so its not as hard work. I only guess this because I have never known any one who has done it.
I did know some one who went on holiday with his mistess while his partner was looking after his child in hospital. He told her he was at work but she rang up work to tell him his child was OK.There is a level of decent human behavioure in all our actions, sexual or emotional;this laddy got well under and was humilated on his belated return to work. Needless to say he left soon after.

...how does one find the time and the energy?

So leaving aside the moral issues, the pain , the heartbreak, the self loathing and the reasons why people do it / why I did it, the answer lies,I think, in a few things

The affair itself generates its own adrenalin. Ever heard the cynical line- she /he looks fantastic....must be having an affair.Of course over time that adrenalin dissipates and in most cases the negatives are less easily pushed aside.

The other aspect is that, sometimes, I'd say, the person having an affair has more energy in the first place. Bored, restless, hornier than the average bear whatever whereas others are less so.

The time- well that is indeed tricky and requires a masters in chicanery ....enter Mr Self Loathing. Others simply have lives that make it easier - people who travel a lot, have erratic work hours etc.

But even posting this feels like a betrayal.

My partner's just not interested in sex anymore. Things petered out a number of years ago - we've not had as much as a kiss in three years. It's not for want on trying on my part, but every move I make is completely rebuffed, which is more than a little soul destroying.

I've been sympathetic, I've been patient, but it's been three years now and I'm at a loss for what to do now. We've been to counselling (at my insistence, my partner didn't want to go, and refused to keep going beyond a few sessions) to absolutely no avail.

I still love and find my partner incredibly attractive - it's just that it appears to be a complete one-way street, there's absolutely no interest in return, no affection. And I'm completely baffled still as to why, there's no explanation, only silence when I try and talk about it.

I really miss sex. I know it's not the be all and end all, but being denied it completely makes it all the more desirable. I mean, I don't even want sex for the sake of it, I want to have it with my partner, but that's just not going to happen.

So, yes, the idea of an affair is incredibly tempting. I'd love some affection.

Theoretically, I couldn't do it, I've never cheated on anyone, I think I'd crumble under the guilt of deceiving my partner.

But I've just got to the stage where I think, if anyone ever did give me the glad-eye, I'd be sorely tempted, sorely tempted.

Would appreciate some words of wisdom here...

be my slow road to ruin, tonight.

No particular point to make. Just that I've always loved this song - that line in particular - and it's clearly relevant to this thread.

I really have to agree with Geacher on this. Obviously I can only speak from my own experience and every situation is different but it really sounds like you are in a lonely place. My situation was similar to some extent. My ex wife suddenly 'went off' sex - the reality is she was getting it elsewhere but couldn't tell me. Had she have done so it would have avoided the most miserable year of my life which I spent trying to cajole her into getting our relationship back to how it had been. The arguments, rage and upset that encapsulated that year were definitely the worst time I ever had to endure and there is no way I would ever go through that again. Geacher is right, you will eventually find happiness with someone else who wants you to be a loving part of their life. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but now know that my first marriage was not a good one for so many reasons. My ex wife realised it well before I did but went completely the wrong way about ending it. I have found out the hard way that women rarely change a made up mind so the chances are the situation you find so difficult now will remain the status quo unless you do something about it. I am lucky that what came afterwards was better by far than anything that went before.

I feel for you so much. Some of the response from the massive have been heartbreaking.

No easy answers from me, just a huge amount of sympathy & goodwill.

I really do wish I could give you the definitive answer, but of course I cant.

What I am going to say is a cliche, but this is your time on earth my friend, its not a rehearsal.

You need & deserve to be happy, to feel loved & wanted, & I hope that in time, you can feel happy & loved again.

Good luck & best wishes.