he ain't never gonna do it without the fez on, oh no.

Huurrrgghh...

Of the top ten jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe, as judged by a panel of comedy critics, at least five sound right when read in a Tommy Cooper voice:

"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

Whether or not you find these funny, it's a good thing that amongst the tame observational material and the inadequate attempts at satire, there's still room for plain silliness.
http://tinyurl.com/lzvvjr

what a waste of time all I got was cracklin'.

...saying that terrorists had started putting bombs inside tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. If one goes off, it could spell disaster.

about a man found dead in an ice-cream van. He was covered in nuts, ripple sauce, sprinkles. It seems he may have topped himself.

sounds like a Tim Vine gag.

That's not a complaint, incidentally.

but it had blown away.

my 9 year old son's current fave is the Ken Dodd line:

"What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through a letter box and shouting 'Look out missus, the Martians are coming!'"

Not the height of PC but:

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"Ouch!" It was an iron bar.

Boom, tssch!

my Gran rubbed oil into his back every day. He went downhill very quickly after that.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

'Ow do you turn a chocolate bar into furniture? Break it once, break it twice... three piece sweet. Hrruuurgghh."

...from a Royal Variety Performance I think:
(Tommy appears on stage with a painting and a violin)....
"I went up into the attic the other day and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt" (huge applause from the audience)
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter (audience in pieces!)....and Rembrandt made lousy violins."

The words don't do it justice. It was priceless.

A man goes into a newsagent and says "I'd like to buy a wasp please." The newsagent says "A wasp? We don't sell wasps!" And the man says "well, you've got one in the window."

… and all it had in it was one small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

wearing a cling-film suit.
The doctor said " I can completely see you nuts".

i thank you

Tenpin?
No - its permanent

(I can't do the voice, but you get the idea)

to The Grand Order of Water Rats, or someone. Dean Martin is guest of honour and he's thinking, Who is this idiot?

By the time Cooper says, "I'm on the Whiskey Diet. Last week I lost three days," Martin is in pieces.

Tommy Cooper: "Do you like football?"
Her Majesty The Queen: "Not especially."
Tommy Cooper: "Can I have your Cup Final tickets?"

Tommy Cooper's early Variety routine consisted of him trying to get through a gate for six minutes. Now that is cutting edge.

A sweet story. Tommy Cooper is in Morocco to buy a new fez. He finds a stall and tries one on. "Just like that!" says the stall holder. "I'm sorry," says Cooper. "Just like that! Just like that! Every Englishman puts on fez and says Just like that!"

Bob Monkhouse said that Tommy Cooper was the only comedian whose audience was laughing before the show, whilst they were waiting for the doors to open.

Forget The Beatles, The Word. Stick Tommy Cooper on your front cover and see your sales shoot up.

eating a clown they have just cooked.
First cannibal sez to his mate: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two snowmen talking.
First snowman: "Is it me, or do you smell carrots too?"

It's puntacular

The driver is getting on famously with him and is thinking "one of the biggest star's on tv, he likes me, I'm going to get a good tip".

However, when they reach the destination, Tommy counts out the fare to the penny and passes it over. He walks away leaving the driver open mouthed in disbelief.

Tommy then turns, walks back to the cab and says 'i am sorry, I nearly forgot. Have a drink on me."

And hands him a teabag.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer ?
A hooker can was her crack and sell it again.

As it's the kids summer holidays and me being quite childish, I joined in a water fight with the bratty kids next door. Once my kettle had boiled I knew there was only one winner!

Liverpool FC's Lucas Leiva is the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett decided to give his missus a little trim 'downstairs'.

at http://twitter.com/GREATDISMAL

Modigliani walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

man;do you have a copy of psychics monthly

newsagent; you tell me

walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman said 'We have a Scotch named after you' 'What?, Ronald?'

A Buddhist goes up to a Hotdog seller in New York and says "Make me one with everything"
The seller gives him the hotdog and the buddhist pays and says "Where is my change ?" the seller replies "Change comes from within"

A Tommy Cooper style one from the master Basil Brush

The police arrested my two nephews last week. One for stealing a battery and the other for stealing fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

Why do lobsters never give any money to charity ?
'Cause they're basically shellfish.

Doctor, doctor - it hurts when I do this
(*performs silly contortion*)

"Well, stop doing it then..."

one says

the other replies

...

Couldn't find any.

One turns to the other and says 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

Two parrots on a perch, one turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish?'

shortest joke - 'a seal walked into a club'

Gary Delaney one-liner 'I used to want to join the Mile-High Club, but now I don't give a flying f***!'

Just popped home, caught the plumber with his d**k in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b****** was corgi registered!!

Two cows in a field. One goes 'Moo', the other says 'You b*****d, I was going to say that '

says to another "whats the ski-ing like?"
"Don't know, I'm a tobbogannist"
"Oh, 20 Marlboro please"

They turned me down because i was asking for silly money

They turned me down because i was asking for silly money

" What a lovely day for marching into a German newsagent's and yelling " VERE ARE YOUR PAPERS??!

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Two men are looking into a shop window. One says "That's the one I'd get"

A Cyclops comes out and hits him.

And my other:

A choirboy went up the churchtower and tied the bellrope round his knob.

He got tolled off by the vicar.

Apparently Tommy was once short changed in a pub. He told the barman and explained "It's not the principal....it's the money"

"I was playing darts with a friend the other day. He said "nearest the bull wins." I said baa, he said moo, so he went first".

"I went to the doctor the other day and he asked why I came to see him. I told him "I think I'm a moth." He said "you need the psychiatrist down the hall." I said "I know, but your light was on.""

from three universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the student from Oxford University, 'What is the opposite of joy?''Sadness' said the student.
'And the opposite of depression?' he asked the young lady from Cambridge. 'Elation,' she said.

'And you, sir,' he said to the student from Dublin University, 'How about the opposite of woe?' The student replied, 'I believe that would be giddy up'

complimented me on my driving the other day. They put a note on my windscreen that said, Parking fine.' That was nice.

My dog bit a lump out of my leg the other day and a friend of mine said, 'Did you put anything on it?' I said 'No, he liked it as it was.'

Said to the ice cream man, 'I'd like a cornet please.' He said "Hundreds and thousands?' I said 'No. One'll do nicely thanks.'

More about the great TC in a great biography by John Fisher, very readable.

I went to Ethiopa recently and met three emperors. One was Haile Selassie, one was quite selassie and the other one wasn't very selassie at all.

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

A man walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the barman: 'Give us a pint and one for the road.'

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: 'You drive, I'll man the guns.'

Barman says "get out - we don't serve food in here"

A pair of jump leads walks into a bar. Barman says "ok - you can have a drink - but don't start anything"

fly fishing the other day.

All I caught was a 5 pound bluebottle.

I backed a horse at twenty to one today...it came in at twenty past four.

has lovely long hair all down her back. None on her head - just all down her back.

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

The old lady that called her budgie Onan?

He was always spilling his seed!................

I saw a guy in the street the other day who reminded me of my Dad....
...He said "Don't forget your Dad".

Stewart Francis is also good with the one-liners.