will have little difficulty guessing the time period and the band I was most into at the time. (I'm the one standing on the right.)

That Mary Hopkin's let herself go

Not Hair or Jesus Christ Superstar then?

once

so I've just about got over the embarrassment.

The moustache not.

Sadly, no.

But picture if you will
- 16 years old, 1988
- receding hairline, growing it long, looks kind of phil collins
- Iron Maiden T-shirt
- Axl Rose headband
- Pear of boxer shorts worn as actual shorts as I had no bermuda shorts
- biker jacket when cold

Me and cool have never been on nodding terms ever.

fresh from his triumph as Joseph in the end-of-term nativity play...

"Cool", at the time, only existed on the other side of the Atlantic.

In fact that is what I am wearing. Me and the future Mrs. Beany. Our eyes met across a crowded bar, We admired each other's taste in fashionable blue cheesecloth shirts and she asked to try mine...so we swapped where we stood. Luckily the photo was not taken seconds earlier as she was wearing not a stitch underneath. Wonder why I fell for the hussy? We did lose contact for 7 years but had a chance meeting and the rest is history. I was 19 and she was 18 in the photo so it must have been 1974.

...if you ever part she'll have the shirt off your back...

but then the mullet was for a while. It wasn't just for footballers, Lou Reed had a monster.

So no, I never was remotely cool.

Thousand Yard Stare t-shirt and Doc Martens. Hair? Obligatory curtains.

David Hepworth has made me breifly cool here in Cincinnati, among a small circle of friends. Word issue 101 arrived here yesterday, and I just got a call telling me my review of the Elvis Costello concert was published in that issue. Thanks guys! No photos, but you've made me a minor celebrity amongst a few here in town.

September '77. 2 brothers, old mates and my mate Des top left who I'm seeing for a beery Saturday later this month. All the members of Whiskey Bottle, the band we were in, are assembled here. Me? One from the right at the back. 'Appy Days!

Well, I thought I was. In a minority of one I suspect. Spots - tick. Les Paul copy - tick. Scoop necked tee shirt (ex-NME classifieds) - tick. Thingy round the neck - tick. Aviator shades - tick. Unspeakable 18 year old arrogance - tick.

...that's not you: that's the bloke from the Verve!

same year and same age as Beany.

That suit taught me a valuable lesson, don't get into a fight with 3 guys when wearing white. Never did get my blood out of one side or the sludge from the bottom of the ditch they left me in, out of the other. I did get some top sympathy from the girlfriend though so it wasn't all bad.

I is well buff, innit?

Upon the occasion of my 21st birthday. May 1980. I suspect something white, warm and cloyingly sweet is being opened there - Black Tower was the height of sophistication then but not sure the budget stretched that far.

Yes, that is a medallion peeking out from underneath the granddad shirt. I suspect there was a little 'Snoopy' dangling from the chain.

Lava lamp is just out of shot to my right. A pile of vinyl sits on the floor behind.

C:\Documents and Settings\alexander\Desktop

Hep

No, never, not even for a second.

When about 21,just take my word for it

1994. Ripon's premier Beatles tribute act...

that takes 4 photos even though you only need 2.
Today I got a new licence using the other two photos from ten years ago.
The lady looked at the photos, looked at me, hissed a little, and said okay.
Result!

(The Other Two, Tasty Fish)

*Serious question: everything New Order have done post Gillian or this single?

Mid-80s student chic in full effect.

There was a slight possibility I spent as much time on my hair as my politics degree

is how Viz welcomed my university band The Royal We back in 1991. Outraged by our grant-funded blend of smugness, irony and Johnny Marr-derived chord progressions, they poured a large bucket of ordure on us with great relish. Student Grant appeared a couple of issues later, which may not be unconnected. I'm in the middle...

Paddy McVeigh, Justin Marney, Lenny Law.

I thought that this would be an excellent reason to finally learn how to upload images...but no. It's not for me.
Photobucket, imgur, etcetera - the problem for me is that as soon as I go to these sites and start reading the instructions my eyes glaze over and my brain goes to a happy place...
When I wake up from my nap I have a headache.
So I'm sorry but you'll just have to imagine how incredibly cool I looked in the early 80's ( green and black checkered shirt over a dress shirt "buttoned" with colorful badges ( band names not readable in photo ), spiky haircut and cigarette between my lips ( oh how we smoked indeed ).

in the ads for the Bank of Ireland. Jaysus.

Aged 22. This photo just about survived a housefire, hence the quality, which otherwise gutted my poor mate's property. Clearly, this is such a cool image, the flames couldn't touch it.

Second thought. Good God, I practically had cheekbones. *weeps*

Brother Beyond phase

1993 - a full three years before the first Harry Potter book. I should sue.

A look of french cool with a beret(!), US army mac (parkas were for tickets!), 3 button whistle and moc crock slip ons grooving to Sea Cruise by Frankie Ford aged just 15. Unfortunately/fortunately the only photo that exists is the morning after (sans beret)of my first allnighter looking a bit crumpled. 2nd on the left with Chris Hunt's Shadows & Reflections fanzine tucked under my arm. Biff! Bang! Poop.

back in the late 80's, first band, that's me crouching in the middle.

I didn't know of its existence. 1975 hirsute photography student at the height of my creative powers now reduced to the status of a bum.( Though I've still got all the hair, and not in a brown paper bag)

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Here I am, aged 15, not being cool.

To this day, I remain resolutely uncool.
(I still love the Pet Shop Boys, though)

Like Hannah, I don't reckon I've ever actually been cool, but I've certainly had disastrous flirtations with trying to be. Jesus wept.

That'd be me looking grumpy at this end.

Playing for the skins in the middle...

You thought it was David Grant didn't you

...I was never almost cool for a moment. I really liked that shirt back then. What was I thinking.

Hmmmmm... must be playing "Matty Groves". Only song I ever used a plectrum for back in that band.

1992

"Would everyone PLEASE remember that the yoghurt on the second shelf is Nigels, and if you even take a spoonful it's STEALING ("Property is theft" is only a concept, right?)
Also leaving a tablespoon of milk in the bottle then not going out and getting a new one is NOT COOL..ok?"

walked the earth.

The Mr. Fish shirt and spanish jeans date this to a spell with a dreadful blues/prog band circa early 70s.

And yes, the Les Paul is real but, sadly, long since traded in.

..A year later it was all short hair and Elvis Costello.
(Right guitar, satin jacket..prince valiant hair)

..Thanks Mojo..(actually I was a miserable little sod back then..much happier now)
Do you still look like Robbo from ver Lizzy?

most of the hair, but not quite the high-maintenance version pictured there.

Although it's probably holding-up better than Robbo's actually. Have you seen him lately? That recent Lizzy doco was sad and frightening in equal measure.

I was allowed to work in a high street bank looking like this...

So, in answer to your question. No, never.

I'd had a drink or two, alright?

This was me circa 1985. My excuse is... no sorry, I don't have one. Glasses and 'tache combo. Ulp. Erm, what was the question again? "Cool", you say?

If Lou Reed or Bono pull out of their pre-arranged interview with The Word, citing musical arseholes, Mark and The Hep could be faced with the prospect of an empty space on print day. A light bulb will go PING and they decide to reveal to the world what a cool bunch of readers they have. That's the reason for the absence of a delete button.

As a child, I had a reputation as a snappy dresser (although I seem to remember my Mum called me a 'fussy dresser') and I loved my junior RayBans.

Unfortunately any pretence of cool is shattered in my teens when I wouldn't be seen without my tartan cap. I thought it was the way to a girl's heart, but I know now that I was seriously deluding myself.

Now, the only thing I know for certain is that my wife thinks I'm cool (or at least she says she does) and so do our cats.

here's another one, I really have no shame! This was done for a Japanese music mag/fanzine thingy around 1985 or '86, but actually taken by my sister in my bedroom. The katana and happi jacket were my own, NOT props...jesus!

This is like some sort of weird therapy...here's our first gig in 1981 (or '82). Yes I did wear the wraparound shades throughout the whole set despite barely being able to see the fretboard. Leopard print T-Shirt courtesy of Acme and studded wristband from Kensington Market!

The photograph of Martin and Martin has disappeared from the internet. You KNOW you want to.

Here I am, about to "entertain" the people of York with some student theatre (front, white shirt, seated). Yes, you will have to click the link...

http://media.mugss.org/photos/Doug/GrandDukeYork1991/DOUG065.jpg

I made it on to a Mullet website with this. For gentlemen of a certain age that's the equivalent of being posted on Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers dot com. It's like a badge of honour...I keep telling myself.

Photo taken in a garden outside a radio studio in London; I'm the chap wearing the newspaper shirt. I was the punk and reggae dj. Bloke wearing the cardi was the heavy rock show presenter.
The two on the outside were engineer and producer.

I think I'm wearing a 'Slits' badge on my stylish 'hoodie'

Eerie fog was the ghost of prog rock.

Looks more like the ghost of a cat.

I'm the louche looking nit on the left.
The chap in the middle later appeared in one episode of Eastenders.