Entertainment For Lively Minds
This just keeps making me laugh.
Posted by Bob on 6 December 2011 - 9:18am.
The great Tom Lehrer once said this about his work:
If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.
It keeps making me laugh. I only have to think of it and I laugh. I wish I had a twentieth of the wit of the man who once said that "political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize".
What other one-liners, quips or bons mots make you laugh every time you think of them?
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An oldie but still makes me smile...
'Never judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes. After that, f*** him - he's a mile away and you've got his shoes.'
Excellent!
Originally a Jack Handy 'Deep Thought'
I think - though that's not quite how his goes. Another one of his I like is:
Some from my grandfather
Me: "I have an idea!"
Grandfather (looking at my head): "Careful, it'll get lonely in there."
Me: "On the other hand.."
Grandfather: "4 fingers and a thumb"
Me: "Well, well, well..."
Grandfather: "3 holes in the ground"
Grandfather (on his way to the toilet): "Just off to send a message to Hitler"
See also Colleague: "You
See also
Colleague: "You know what I don't understand?"
Me: "Chinese Writing"
Not original obviously - the great man Craig Cash from Early Doors
Those are my principles and if you don't like them ....
.... well, I have others
Groucho Marx
Men, you're fighting for this woman's honour.
Which is more than she's ever done.
I could dance with you til the cows come home...
on second thoughts, I'll dance with the cows til you come home.
(etc).
Why a duck?
Not a quip
But I always return to Theodore Dalrymple's essay about tattoos for this particular bit.
"A surprisingly large number of auto-tattooists choose for the exercise of their dermatographical art the chief motto of British service industries, namely FUCK OFF.
Why anyone should want these words indelibly imprinted in his skin is a mystery whose meaning I have not yet penetrated, though my researches continue, but I recall a patient who had the two words tattooed in mirror writing upon his forehead, no doubt that he might read them in the bathroom mirror every morning and be reminded of the vanity of earthly concerns."
Gore Vidal, very much in the spirit of the OP's quote
"Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something inside me dies."
Dorothy Parker
Spike Milligan
"People who live in glass houses should draw the curtains before they take their trousers off"
And from Graeme Garden:
"Oh show me a home / where the buffalo roam / and I'll show you a home / with a very messy carpet"
Spike Milligan
"People who live in glass houses should draw the curtains before they take their trousers off"
And from Graeme Garden:
"Oh show me a home / where the buffalo roam / and I'll show you a home / with a very messy carpet"
Another classic from Tom.
Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Reminds me of a quote from Frasier
On his first day at WKCL, worried about his new radio career after he overhears Roz asking for a transfer to another show:
"Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office."
One can always rely on Pelham Grenville..
"The face was drawn, the eyes haggard, the general appearance that of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas pipe with a lighted candle. "
Phil Redmond
Tucker and the fat kid who smoked in Grange Hill.
Fat kid: 'I've got an idea'
Tucker: 'I thought you looked a bit pale'
If at first you don't succeed try again
Then give up. No point being a damn fool about it.
And
It is morally wrong to give a sucker an even break
One of many quotable bits from...
... Viv Stanshall's wonderful Sir Henry At Rawlinson End:
"If I had all the money I spent on drink... I'd spend it on drink."
hi Bob
Sorry to be a pedant, but I am. Lehrer (my hero) never actually said that. Great quote though. And great interview, and quote-repudiation here: http://www.avclub.com/articles/tom-lehrer,13660/
What, the Kissinger thing?
Or the other one?
I thought he said it, but was repudiating the idea that Kissinger's Nobel was his reason for quitting satire?
No, no, as you were.
The usual fallacy is the one printed above, that he actually "gave up satire when" etc etc. But I now see that isn't what you wrote at all. I now see, in fact, I've miss-pedanted. I further see, I've been a complete chump. I humbly apologise, and shoot myself. Yours, S.
Peter Cook
Possibly the best reply to an invitation ever:
"I should love to come but, sadly, I find I happen to be watching television that evening."
Peter Cook also told...
...of a scene he saw on a street:
Person 1: Do you have a light?
Person 2: No, sorry, I don't smoke.
Person 1: I asked you for a light, not your fucking life story.
Peter Cook on meeting someone at a party...
...and them telling him that they are writing a book 'Oh really? Neither am I'.
Two Thirty
Chinese dentist. Always makes me laugh. Sad, I know.
Ordered this today
Because most of what's contained therein has always made me laugh.
Boy
I say, Boy. You're not listening to me, boy.
Stand up son ah say
You keep falling over
Foghorn Leghorn
He must have been a Tex Avery creation, don't you think?
Tex Avery animated cartoons. The motherlode.
I say, the motherlode, son.
Groucho Marx and Inspector Clouseau
Groucho: 'Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.'
A brief scene from one of the Pink Panther movies. Clouseau is walking along a street and needs to ask a passery-by the time.
Clouseau: Excuse me, do you 'ave ze time?
Passer-by: Yes, thank you. (walks on by)
Tommy Cooper
Apparently in a pub with various other comedians.
At the bar checking change, finds he's light by some trifling sum, calls the girl back and asks for his 10p or whTever, turns to peers:
'It's not the principle, it's the money'
FE Smith, in court, questioning a witness
Smith was always known for baiting judges
Smith (to witness): So, by your own account you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (to Smith): I think you'll find, Mr Smith, that the expression is 'As drunk as a Lord'.
Smith (to Judge) : Yes, my Lord.
Also F E Smith (I think)
He gave a summary of some point of evidence in response to a question from the judge:
Judge: I am sorry Mr Smith, but I am none the wiser.
Smith: No my lord, but you are better informed.
Infinite monkeys...
We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
—Robert Wilensky
Woody Allen: Sex, death and God
Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best.
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic...
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
The time, Bluebottle & Eccles
What time is it Eccles?
Err, just a minute. I, I've got it written down 'ere on a piece of
paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?
Well, umm, if a anybody asks me the ti-ime, I ca-can show it to dem.
Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...
What is it fellow?
It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.
I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it
was eight o'clock.
Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
Ah, den I don't show it to dem.
More Lehrer...
...when asked by an interviewer how he spent his time these days, he said, 'I try to get all my shillying done in the mornings so I've got the afternoons free for shallying.'
"My ambition is to live forever...
...so far, so good".
Another Woody Allen
"I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by Quakers."
Still makes me laugh after all these years. In fact, if that had been the ONLY line he ever wrote, he might still be remembered for it.