for 15 years and I was never once asked to "mind the stall for a minute".

I've never stood in the middle of carless London square shouting at a departing cab in the pouring rain.

or ordered a pint of no specific beer without uttering a word.

Also most working class people I know who went to "COLLEGE" general finished their courses and then didn't move back to their old house and end up work in garage etc (unwrriten rule in soaps is that education doesn't lead to betterment).

......and come down two years later looking like someone else.

number of trained car mechanics. (And, in the case of Coronation Street, trained sewing machinists.)

Everyone orders a 'usual' or a 'double'... nothing is ordered by name.

Everyone drinks tea from empty mugs.

No-one is ever told how much their drinks cost.

People buy bottles of wine from the pub.

People buy a house and move in without any fuss or stress in a couple of days

has been married 5 times, or at least had several partners, all of whom live in the street.

No one watches television at home.

If watching soaps has taught me anything, it is to be very wary if a working class type moves next door. I have no idea how they could afford to buy in today's economic climate, and chances are they'll be trying to make friends with me, and then involving me in some long-running feud, before killing me and burying me in their garden, which they will then cover up with a new patio.

are shown genuine respect by young people in soaps.

People in soaps never spend an evening gazing at a screen reading blogs/watching Youtube clips or checking Facebook/Twitter.

Over the years, especially since Eastenders began in the 80's, one thing that has bemused me in all of the soaps is when a person or couple run into problems for one reason or another i.e. having murdered someone, having stole someone's wife, legging it from the law etc etc (sometimes when a character is being written out for example) and thus decides that it's best to relocate as though it's the easiest thing in the world to do. Nothing to be sold, no bills to settle, no notice to be given, no money owed, they just up and leave and stroll off into the sunset,(via minicab).

young and pretty and never look like bricklayers.

The FPO used to work in a pub where the local GP was a regular. This led to many "Could you just look at this?" moments until one night one of the regulars took time to engage him in a lengthy description of some irritating symptoms regarding his bottom. "It's mainly around here..." the punter explained "...at the entrance". Dr. H regarded him levelly. "I think we may have got to the root of the problem" he said. "Mostly we refer to that as 'the exit'".

People go to the cafe next door to their house for a cup of tea

a washing machine and nobody smokes, except Dot Cotton.

Eat in the caff. In the pub for lunch. Drop the togs off in the launderette... Despite the fact that any tiny domestic emergency will mean asking someone else to cover while you take the rest of the day off. It's nice to have a boss who understands enough to let you swan out during the rush hour again but won't he adjust your wage packet accordingly?
Unless.....he's your real Dad!

It's amazing anybody reaches adulthood.

And, all these premature deaths and other freak events (fires, car smashes, burglary, major fraud etc.) never usually get mentioned again after the whole thing has blown over.

Mind you, I suppose when you know the next incestuous affair is only around the corner, you don't have time to dwell on the earthquake that has just killed your entire rambling club.

heads like baked potatoes are sexually irresistible to the opposite sex.

and become crack addicts for a few weeks before knocking the whole thing on the head.

tough!

There are good guys and bad guys and everyone watching knows which side of the ledger they fall, except sometimes they change sides and sweet little Montana becomes evil for a while then switches back.

I love their weddings, they only know twelve people and all are invited including their sworn enemies who are always given permission to make coded speeches threatening the lives and happiness of the bride and/or groom.

which silences a pub or other public place, a companion of the tearful girl will place a hand on the shoulder of her ill-treated friend and say "Just leave him Kath....he's not worth it" whilst looking scornfully at the object of her friend's disaffection.

Her lover will then be "helped" unconvincingly out of the pub by a burly barman whilst screaming "You haven't heard the last of this!"

Upon said rapscallion's exit the pub will return almost immediately to it's usual hubbub, upon which the girl's friend will pull a quizzical face, place her hand on her friend's and tentatively say:

"same again, love?"

There might be Londoners in Manchester, and of course, they're flash and slightly dodgy geezers, but apart from that no-one moves to any of the major cities from elsewhere in the UK. So in Eastenders, no-one has come to London from Hull or Cardiff or Aberdeen. Your family has always lived there, or comes from the West Indies or Asia. There is no in-between.

No relationship or marriage ever lasts. It doesn't how much they laaaaaaaaaaahve each other, the couple will not be allowed to have a happy relationship. It must be fraught with problems, conflicts, break-ups, divorces, reconciliations, multiple exes - often a substitute family member - and, ideally, a bit of death.

Subsidiary to this, all relationship strife must be conducted in a public place, preferably with an audience, and a cctv or audio recording.

Everyone will have an affair with their ex. Or is secretly pining over their ex.

There's an awful lot of extreme emotion in soapland but none of it is lasting happiness...

oops, double post

triple post!

ooh quadruple post!

YAY, I win...

Oh I did once move in with friends 'just for a few nights' after I split up with a boyf...it was 2 or 3 mights while I found somewhere to live which ended up being the pub where I was working (same pub, see higher up) for about 3 or 4 months...

- Bride or groom suddenly decides they "can't face it" and runs off just before entering the church.

- Someone actually calls out at the "if anyone has any reason to believe ..." bit of the vicar's speech.

- Someone announces the couple's impending divorce or bride's pregnancy at the wedding breakfast.

- Someone gets drunk and punches the bride out cold.

It would be truly shocking, in soap terms, if a wedding went the way we all usually experience them, ie happy, pleasant, incident-free days.

It's probably cheaper to take out household insurance in Fallujah than what it'll cost you on Coronation Street.

Not just the ones next door on either side, but all along the road. Even on the other side! I have never ever had that. Ever.

or tempted to leave my wife for anyone in my street and I've lived here for twenty years. I don't work with any of them nor do we all visit the local cafe / launderette. Never been for a drink with them or popped in for a cup of tea and as far as I'm aware I'm not related to them nor do I have a "history" that's never discussed. I'm a fucking hermit me.

...I'll bring them over!

most TV soaps are resolutely private sector employers, the draconian cuts being passed through councils won't have much effect on the folk of Weatherfield or Walford. I think Arthur was on the bins but there's very few council officers, cleaners, dog wardens in soaps. There's the occasional teacher but they either give up being deputy head of a secondary school (and the secure paypacket and pension) to work in a corner shop or are just there to perv on the teenage characters and get thrown into a market stall.

No bad language.

Couples screaming at each other, fights, trauma, the lot.

But no naughty words.

I don't watch any soaps. The fact that no-one else has yet mentioned the lack of swearing is probably a testament to how superfluous much bad language is. And to the skills of the writers of the soaps.

I was raised subliminally in Ambridge and it always struck me that none of the characters went to work or to school as they all seemed to be in the village to chat and have cups of tea all day.

Then I started working shifts and moved to a cottage on a working farmyard and guess what? It really is like The Archers.

of any sorts will be gay.
Probably in the closet with a failed marriage a child behind him.
Oo-er missus!

I only ever watched Brooky, gave up on it way before the end, but I kinda miss it.
Out of all of them I felt it had a sense of humour.
lyke, la well dae do don't dae?

since 'Crossroads' went off the air...

a couple making love, it is always the sound of coy giggling.

it's extraordinary how often those engaged in clandestine activities do so in front of windows, in the soaps people like to discuss hush hush matters where they can be easily overheard..

I work in a hospital so I can tell you first hand that real doctors don't shoot the leukaemia out of elderly woman with a Beretta 92.

I'm convinced this exchange has never really happened:

Character X needs to talk about something urgent but sensitive with Character Y. X starts to speak, Y seems ready to listen, but X bottles it and just says 'Oh, nothing'. Y then goes off and performs various actions that could have been prevented if only X had finished off their sentence.

JUST FINISH YOUR SENTENCE LIKE WE DO IN THE REAL WORLD...

Any woman who has a one night stand will immediately become pregnant.

Characters with no other evident family will always turn out to have a hidden raft of cousins/brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles/parents who have never ever been mentioned to other characters prior to their unexpected arrival.

about forensic pathology (Silent Witness, Waking The Dead etc), the pathologists will nearly always get personally involved with the crime to the extent that their flat-mate or ex-fiancé will inevitably wind up as one of the murder victims.

Not only that, one of the pathologists will usually end up solving the crime themselves, while the top police brains in the land remain baffled.

is a character that I have never met in real life.
But I've seen plenty of them in soaps, pretending to be the good sister/brother, stealing their partner, committing crimes that the good twin gets arrested for, driven by revenge and hate towards the more popular twin...
I've even seen an evil twin appear that the good one didn't know existed.

always in plentiful supply. Open a restaurant, buy a club, bookies etc.
Never an issue. Peter Barlow's bookies drives me mad, must be the worst run shop in the world, but apparently earns him a very comfortable living.

a group of people have been drinking to excess the pub table will not have been cleared of glasses or bottles for the duration of the evening.

Birthdays (ageless characters), Wedding anniversaries (as if, no one lasts a calendar year, do they), Mothers Day, Fathers Day, etc, etc. The only one that always comes round is Christmas 'cause that's when they have 'big story' money shot, isn't it.

a Chinese, Indian or pizza delivered.

I haven't watched Brookie since the late 90s, so it mighta chaynged, lyke n'at

Have you ever used this word when expressing an afterthought? Once you notice how often it's used (particularly in soaps) it might start to annoy. Most people just say, 'Anyway,...'

Making a facial expression of guilt or quietly plotting whilst embracing a loved one.

Gets into bed.

No one in soaps has ever heard of Samantha Janus, Shane Richie, Bobby Davro, Pauline Quirke etc, or they'd be rather peturbed when they pop up in their town/village.

or, killing yr wife's best mate.

On Coronation Street recently, Ken and Deirdrie were reminiscing about watching Dancing On Ice but didn't mention that three former contestants on that show were physically identical to old neighbours of theirs.

....the legendary Harry Cross...on a rollercoaster!

...from their wife/ husband/partner, it always seems to be a single gift, usually small and in a gift bag - normally aftershave / perfume or jewellery.

No-one ever spends Christmas morning opening a lovely pile of CDs, DVDs, records and books do they?

People seem to spend every lunchtime in the pub, then they are straight back in there after work.

Even the oldies.

There's never two or more people on the same street who share the same first name.

A new character will be introduced as soon as an existing one leaves the show.

People get convicted for crimes they didn't commit on the flimsiest of evidence, and yet several un-convicted murderers are walking around free. Likewise when a major crime is committed, the first to be arrested in connection with it will always be totally innocent.

is to bump into them in the street and make them drop a pile of books/shopping bags. You help pick them up and hey presto! A relationship has begun.