Entertainment For Lively Minds
The WORD Magazine: 1986-2011
In an era when other, less ethical, music monthlies buoyed their circulation figures by kidnapping family members of subscribers a few months before the renewal date, The WORD magazine adopted the moral high ground:
“I’m proud that we didn’t go down the kidnapping and extortion route favoured by our competitors. I think history will prove that we were right,” says Editor Mark Ellen.
It was an uproarious 25 year period: The Leighties, Nineties, Noughties, and nacesnt Onesies witnessed the birth of new bands, new technology and new super powers. David Hepworth revealed that he had been able to fly since 1983 but rarely did so as he much preferred walking. For a few years Fraser Lewry inexplicably balanced his duties as WORD Digital Watch correspondent with a nocturnal existence as a crime-fighting cyborg, before quietly stepping down from this role sometime in 2005.
“I am no longer a nocturnal crime-fighting cyborg,” he said when we asked him.
1996 (Issue 85)
CUT-PRICE COCAINE POWERLESS TO SAVE NEW GENERATION OF DREADFUL BRITPOP GROUPS
The gutter music press christened it the ‘Columbian Spring’ but, 3 years on, the blizzard of inexpensive cocaine that helped to kick-start a revival of the British music scene is being tested to its absolute limits by a new wave of awful, home-grown bands.
Over 5000kg of cocaine, formerly the drug of choice of the wealthy and elite, was smuggled into England from Columbia by the powerful Pato Silvestre cartel, in the hope that its potency, ubiquity, and relatively low cost would galvanise a generation of British groups influenced by The Beatles, The Jam and The Kinks.
“Initially the cocaine was a success beyond our wildest dreams,” says shadowy cartel boss, Juan Morales when I meet him by chance in the audience at a Dubstar gig. “A tide of hubris swept across your tiny island nation. Mediocre pop groups immediately believed that they were the greatest bands who had ever walked the earth and that, with the simple addition of a basic string section or gospel choir, they could produce masterpieces that were the equal of A Day In the Life or Waterloo Sunset.
“Unfortunately our chemists have failed to keep pace with a new wave of dreadful second and third-tier Britpop groups. The mind-altering effects of cocaine at its current levels of concentration are insufficient to create the suspension of disbelief necessary to blot out the awfulness of the music that is being produced in the UK. There is no drug available anywhere that can turn Menswe@r into a credible act, or transform Being Brave - the fifth single from their debut album - into anything more than the limp, tuneless ballad that it is.”
The widening gulf between hype and perceived reality has created confusion among record buyers, with the foot soldiers of music journalism being among the hardest hit:
“Deja Voodoo by Heavy Stereo will go down in history as the greatest debut album ever released. I give it 4 out of ten,” says a tired and emotional staff writer on a weekly music magazine, before digressing into a rant concerning the evils of Thatcherism.
Meanwhile, Morales remains confident that the problem with his drug’s potency will soon be resolved:
“Already my men are hard at work synthesising compounds so powerful that they could launch a solo album by Liam Gallagher into the Top ten. You look at me as if I am mad, but what I say is true.”
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"Onward ever ever on..."
2000 (Issue 90)
ARE GREY SQUIRRELS KILLING MUSIC?
The Grey Squirrel has joined Bauxite on a list of things that are killing music, drawn up by the British Phonographic Industry.
“A combination of market research, idle speculation and bare-faced prejudice clearly demonstrates a reluctance among the grey squirrel community to pay £16.99 for a new CD, in the region of £20-£25 for a disc with an import sticker on it, and an apparently random, double-digit sum for a CD/DVD digi-pack,” said a BPI spokesperson.
He continued:
“In addition to lobbying to the government to add Grey Squirrels to a list of species that need to be made extinct at the earliest opportunity, we urge all law-abiding music lovers to slaughter them without mercy and then string-up their blood-drained corpses as a warning to others. We recommend that you aim to shoot them gansta-style behind their ears, as this will impair their ability to hear their illegally obtained spoils in in the event of a wounding.”
The threat of internet piracy by grey squirrels on CD sales was first raised during a week-long conference at the £300 night Knavery Hall hotel in rural Hertfordshire.
Sir Derek Sloane (Chairman of EMI records):
“Sir Gerald (Head of Warner Records) and I were walking in the grounds of The Knavery. We noticed that there were a lot of grey squirrels bounding around the place. Sir Gerald asked me if I could recall the last time that I saw a grey squirrel purchase an album. I don’t venture into record shops too often as I’m not really into music, but when I thought back I realised that I couldn’t ever remember seeing a Grey Squirrel actually pay for a CD. That was when the penny dropped, so to speak.”
The activities of the squirrels have also drawn condemnation from musicians. Speaking from his aquarium at the Brighton Sealife Centre, ex-Undertones singer, Fergal Sharkey said:
“When I was young squirrels were red. They smoked woodbines and held a deep appreciation for jazz, which they paid for with acorns. This year alone grey squirrels have illegally downloaded my top 20 solo hit Listen To Your Father over 70 times, for which I have not received a single penny in royalties.”
Other sections of the industry have been quick to leap to the defence of the squirrels:
“What we are witnessing here are the first shots being fired in a class war,” said NME correspondent, Terry Scowler. “There’s a new generation of squirrels who live for the weekend and harbour no ambitions to attend Eton, or to join the local golf club or Masonic temple. That’s why we put a grey squirrel on the cover over five years ago. The squirrels who your Tory-voting parents used to buy dope from as teenagers are a redundant force in this country. Long live the greys!”
2001 (ISSUE 91)
GENERATION GAP DIVIDES WORD OFFICE
“Nobody listens to vinyl anymore. The 21st century belongs to the cassette,” says WORD magazine reviews editor, Kate Mossman, proudly showing off a matt-black Sony Walkman the size of a house brick. Fantastic Day by Haircut 100 blares through the orange foam pads of the headphones in tinny Dolby stereo. “I’ve got Silk and Steel by Five Star but I haven’t really listened to it,” she adds.
I bought Seven and the Ragged Tiger by Duran Duran, with my WH Smiths record token,” enthuses a young Fraser Lewry, his face buried in the woollen folds of a florescent pink snood. “There’s a song on the album called The Union of the Snake that may well be the band’s most political statement yet!”
It’s a scene that plays out the length and breadth of the British Isles – two teenagers drunk on the latest chart-topping sounds - yet behind the pair’s contagious enthusiasm lies a schism that threatens to tear The WORD magazine apart.
“Mark and I both agreed that Fraser and Kate could decorate their side of the office if they did all the work and tidied up afterwards...” says David Hepworth. “...They’ve chosen to paint the walls black, apparently to externalise their inner angst. It looks dreadful. If they want to experience real angst they should spend a Saturday morning getting estimates for having barnacles scrubbed off the twin hulls of a 40 foot catamaran that you only get to sail a couple of times a year.”
The pair’s behaviour has also drawn criticism from other members of The WORD staff:
“The other night Kate and Fraser were trying to work out a dance routine to Bananarama’s Love In The First Degree. I could barely focus on what was going on in Z Cars,” says Andrew Harrison.
“I’m tired of being labelled a square, or being unjustly accused of ‘harshing someone’s buzz,’” adds editor – Mark Ellen. “For heavens sake I’ve put Joni Mitchell on the cover of WORD twice! Girls want to be her and boys want to be with her. You can get hipper than that.”
“Sometimes The WORD is like a big dysfunctional family,” says zany aunt, Jude Rogers. “The thing to remember is that, deep down, they all love each other, and that important moral lessons are learned at the end of each working day.”
2006 (ISSUE 96)
RETURN LEG OF “AMAZING JOURNEY” NOWHERE NEAR AS EXCITING AS TRIP OUT, SAYS FORMER X FACTOR WINNER
Croydon, South London: X Factor 2005 winner, Andy Scott, has just been stopped in the street by a pair of old ladies with whom he is now in deep conversation.
“Autograph hunters?” I enquire when he finally returns.
“They wanted directions to Marks & Spencer.”
A little further along we pass the branch of Woolworths where, only 12 months ago, the 19 year old Scott was mobbed by fans eager to obtain autographed copies of his debut single and hastily ghost-written autobiography – My Ascent.
“I’ve got a job interview there on Monday. Mum says I need something stable while I readjust,” he sighs, before rather sheepishly enquiring whether he can borrow a pound to buy something to eat from the bakery next door.
“Meat shouldn’t be orange, should it?” he says when he exits a few minutes later , thrusting a sausage roll, with one end bitten off, in my direction.
Confronted by the greasy, orange mincemeat I find my gaze drawn in the direction of Sunbirds Tanning Salon a few doors down.
“A common problem experienced by the winners of television talent shows, such as The X Factor, is that what they regard as a journey is, in reality, more like a brief roller-coaster ride that returns them to their point of origin, feeling slightly nauseous and uncertain of which way is up,” says celebrity psychologist Timothy Dunn.
“If all the downloads and ringtones sold by Andy Scott were laid end to end they would stretch from nowhere to nowhere, which corresponds exactly with the actual distance he’s travelled. Contrast this with Led Zeppelin who moved between gigs by means of a giant’s causeway, constructed by fans from copies of their Houses of the Holy album, and it’s easy to discern the difference between true fame and passing celebrity.
“Led Zeppelin were awesome,” adds Dunn. “Even the stuff on Coda totally kicks arse.”
2011 (ISSUE 100)
DARK DAYS FOR FEMINISM AS ADELE FAILS TO CRACK POLL OF UK’S MOST INFLUENTIAL WOMEN OF ALL TIME
Her albums may be riding high at number one and two in the charts respectively, but there’s one top ten where soul-pop sensation, Adele, is strangely absent.
Dapper Magazine’s list of the UK’s most influential women of all time, which includes Suffragette leader - Emily Pankhurst, the author - Jane Austin, and molecular biologist – Rosalind Franklin, has drawn flak for its omission of the multi-platinum-selling singer-songwriter.
“Set Fire To The Rain,” literally saved my life. I can’t believe Adele has been snubbed like this,” said Kayleigh Green, whose great grandmother flew Spitfires and Lancaster bombers between airfields during the World War II, and whose father remains an ardent Marillion fan.
“OMG, where the fcuk is Katy Perry? Major FAIL,” commented Nic54 on Dapper’s website.
Responding to the criticism and calls for her resignation, Dapper editor, Ellen Greene, said that while staff at the magazine had considered opening the poll to a public vote, they simply couldn’t face compiling another top ten with Princess “fucking” Diana and the late Jade Goody vying for the top spot.
CONSIGNMENT OF BLUE SHIRTS STOLEN IN CHARMING DAYLIGHT RAID
A lorry containing 90% of all the blue shirts intended for sale in the UK this year, has been stolen in a daring daylight robbery.
“After stopping my truck the hijacker regaled me with an anecdote about an evening that he spent in the company of Tom Robinson, before making off with my entire shipment,” said lorry driver Derek Buckley.
Speaking of the theft which has sent ripples through the fashion industry, the chairman of the British Textile Council, John Beech, said:
“The thief effectively has a monopoly on a small but significant part of the High Street clothing industry. It’s a frightening amount of power to be wielded by one individual. No man should be allowed to own this many blue shirts.”
On Monday the shop-floor price of blue shirts increased sharply, reflecting the nationwide shortage. Financial analysts estimate that over the coming weeks the cost per kilo of a blue shirt will exceed the price of gold.
awesome
I lol'ed at the Union of the Snake section
Thank you kindly
Yet again. When's the annual coming out?
I've loved these
Thanks for the trip down memory lane, b7.
Brilliant as always
Thank you