"Do you live in a barn?" (said to me by my Nan if I left the door to a room open).

I'm also quite fond of "going up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire"* (*going to bed). It started off as being a cute phrase I liked as a nipper, principally because I lived in Bedfordshire. Now it just sounds like something Alan Partridge would say. And that's always guaranteed to make me smile.

Oh, and I did hear a new one the other day, which made me laugh. A friend of mine said she wasn't going to go swimming that night as she was "taking Carrie to the prom"* (*having her period).

An up to drakeygirl for making me and my work colleague laugh out loud with the Carrie phrase.

"Sad day he left the croft" is one I like frequently used in conjunction with the "hard of thinking"

My kids have laways liked "no use to man nor beast" when the bus arriving is not the one we're waiting for and "up the River Clyde" as an expression worthy of a cuff round the ear from the world of Ivor Cutler.

"The Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise" and "Keep watching the skies" are favourites too.

I love this phrase, for example when applied to the debut single of a talent/reality show winner, where everyone knows the song will go in high and then drop like a stone - and that it doesn't matter if the record's any good, so respect to the songwriting bots for giving just a bit of a shit about the song.

I had to explain this to my class today, as they had no idea what it meant. I then wondered if I had ever used it myself to describe someone's untimely, and possibly violent demise. It is a wonderful phrase.

Now no longer with us gave me a phrase which I try and use whenever possible.

Describing anyone he thought nosey or obtrusive - 'He wants to know the far end of the fart and which way the wind blows!'

Also, much later in life, I shared a house in Tooting with two guys who remain friends, I hope, to the bitter end. One, a Scot, on getting ready to go out of a night would apply 'foo foo powder' to 'his bag'

The other, an Irishman, on describing an old girlfriend who still pined from afar as sticking to him 'like shite to a blanket'

Made me laugh then and make me laugh now.

says "I'm not as green as I am cabbage-looking", which always makes me chuckle.

Those that like Lou Reed, and those who've met him."

... two slightly rude ones I like are sending a sausage to the seaside for a Number Two and a bit more choke and that would've started! whenever anyone audibly breaks wind within earshot.

"Mind Mr Brown" - used when walking along the pavement and the need to avoid doggy-doing

"You'll have someones eye out doing that" - a phrase spoken by my granddad once, and now a part of family legend/folk-lore
(as is falling asleep whilst playing Trivial Pursuit and waking up to answer someone elses question, and putting the dice into your whiskey glass and throwing it over the board)

"a scabby dog" if you come from Wigan

The Bolton equivalent seems to be "a flock mattress"

'That looks like something the dog chewed'

'That looks like something the dog chewed and spat out'

'That looks like something the dog chewed and let nature take care of'

"Mother got out" - on seeing a passing mutt and being unable to easily discern the breed in question

"Chuffing wassock" - an affectionate insult

but there used to be a whole range of phrases to describe someone who wasn't, perhaps, dealing from a full deck. My favourite of these was "A few coupons short of a pop-up toaster".

is one Mrs Milky uses to describe a wind that goes right through you, love that one. Also "You make a better door than a window" if I happen to be stood in front of the telly.

"Having a fit with your leg up" is one my Mum uses for someone "chucking a Benny" (which is also ace).

Also, "Face like a smacked arse." Says everything it needs to.

...he'll explain how a watch works".

he'd eat himself.

Of someone waiting in anticipation : "Aye, his erse'll be makin' buttons the noo."

I find it impossible to improve upon.

No I don't know who Bill is. Or where his mother lives.

And its converse: "Sun's crackin t'flags." Best when used at the merest brightening of a leaden Leeds sky.

My dad's a proud Glaswegian (is there any other kind?) and whenever the dog was choking or coughing up grass would shout: "Nae boakin oana flerr!!" (No vomiting on the floor!)

"I think you've taught me more about penguins than I really needed to know"

A friend of mine was telling me recently about her daughter's rather unsuitable boyfriend. He treated the girl badly when he wasn't being surly and /or merely indifferent.

"So why doesn't she get rid of him?" I asked.

My friend then intimated that this chap perhaps had certain talents and that these talents probably convinced her daughter to grant him a degree of licence. She said:

"Because he knows where the monkey lives."

A slightly more colourful way of suggesting that something may be the wrong way round/being carried out in an illogical manner (thanks to my Grandpa Ferg): "Ye've got that (insert object/task in hand) erse for elbow".

Said in response to anyone claiming that a relatively routine task is too difficult to do or to do properly.

(I once heard a radio documentary about an animal dentist. Not dogs and cats, which is how he started, but lions, elephants etc. He was asked which animal presented most problems...)

... used to say (and probably still does, for all I know) "Whoopsy Dups" if ever she dropped anything - and I find it hard not to say the same now (well, that's when I'm in polite company - otherwise it's the usual "Oh, f**k").

If anything's tricky, it's now "Difficult, difficult, lemon difficult"

Face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle

or bulldog chewing a wasp

I'm not really sure what it means, but I like it.

I've always had a soft spot for I should cocoa as well.

a pig's arse with a banjo.

My Nan still uses "All my eye and Betty Martin" for any news heard that she reckons is either a) utterly unfounded or b) downright lies. Who the hell Betty Martin is and why she is linked with utter bull is still unclear.

In addition, "Kiss my lilly white" is probably a little more understandable, but still surprising when uttered by my normally very kind and placid Grandmother, as is "Go an' boil yer 'ed!".

This isnae gettin' the tatties peeled.

He didn't know if he was punched, bored or countersunk

Of something unwanted, or unfitted for purpose - neither use nor ornament.

When being patronised by a young whipper-snapper:

'I'm retired, not retarded'

when you have cause to doubt the veracity of their tale.

"You're like a baby's pram, all shite and biscuits".

During a conversation the other day about babies, a female colleague mentioned that someone she knew had given birth to a ten-pounder. "Ten pounds?" we winced. "Yes," she said, "but it was an out-through-the-sunroof job."

A bloke I know nicknamed a particularly loud-mouthed colleague Two Shits - "'cause if you've had one shit, he's had two." Always raises a smile.

Always like these:-

'it's looking black over Bills mothers'

And after thunder:

'it's just God moving the furniture.

And from my childhood, if I picked a sweet up off the floor and proceeded to eat it my mum would say 'don't do that, you will catch dickdollaroo'
No idea what dickdollaroo was but it sounded pretty scary.

... that left him slightly dumbfounded, would say "I don't know if to laugh, cry or get my hair cut."

I've always liked that one.

a different kettle of bananas

mad as a box of frogs

I wouldn't throw her out of bed for eating a bag of crisps/corn flakes

what a great saying

twice

You've got a face like a half-shut bap. [morning sleepiness/hangover]

If you took a step backwards, you'd catch up wi' your een. [catch up with your eyes, sleepy/hungover]

Peugh. You smell like a rat's died inside you. [farting]

My mum uses the phrase "He's all gob and hind legs". The mental picture always makes me smile.

I don't know if this saying is universal ( well, probably not used much in India for exemple... ) or only used in Sweden; "There's no cow on the ice", meaning there's no panic.

When I'm surprised or in disbelief or disgusted I always cry out "Gudars skymning!", meaning "Twilight of the gods". I must have picked up that odd phrase from somewhere but I cannot remember from where. Some TV show in my childhood ? A book ? Asterix comics ?
I can't stop saying it.

was my Dad's expression for anyone who used to run around in a flap.

...than a carload of arseholes.

That's a line from a pulp fiction detective novel that Stephen King mentions in his rather good "On Writing". I love it, and try to use it as often as I can.

Also, even though this has been cited in the "gets on my tits" thread as an offender, I tend to say "knock yourself out" quite a bit. It really tickled me the first few times I heard it, so I adopted it.

And its close relative, Heavens to Betsy! - both used as expressions of surprise. I once had a colleague who would use one or the other whenever something unexpected happened.

I think they come from an early 70s Hanna-Barbera cartoon, but I can’t for the life of me remember which.

and one of my Nan's - "Old enough to spit and write 'bugger' on the wall."

...to throw after small dogs. That was one of my grandma's. Any time there was a lot of something - scones, hammers, crack cocaine - she'd say there was enough to throw after small dogs.

My mate Nick has a variation: enough x to cobble dogs with.

... only his mother could love