Entertainment For Lively Minds
The things people write on Amazon book reviews
The readers' reviews on Amazon have a special appeal for me. It seems that the more distinguished the literary work, the more dismissive people can be. For instance:
"The reader's imagination is not stretched."
He's talking about James Joyce's "Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man."
"This book is spectacularly dull; it's inane, directionless, confused, dreary, circumlocutory and self-indulgent."
Take that, Charles Dickens and your so-called "Great Expectations"!
"I HATED this book the first time I read it. And the second time. The third time, however, I began to quite like it."
If you hated Jane Austen's "Emma" the first couple of times you read it what in the name of blue blazes would possess you to read it a third time?
"Well, I'm quite glad that's over really."
That's how one reader felt when finishing Tolstoy's "War & Peace".
Any more? Ever written one yourself?
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"Well, I'm quite glad that's over really."
Isn't that how every reader feels when finishing Tolstoy's "War & Peace"?
You've inspired me...
I've just reviewed 'War and Peace' on Amazon describing this as a real page turner and commenting: "As soon as I had finished it I just had to begin reading it all over again. Highly recommended!". I expect sales of the book will now rocket.
I hope you got the phrase
"a rollicking rollercoaster of a read" in there as well
Top tip
Some of the five star reviews of 'Littlejohn's Britain' are well worth a chuckle.
Just had a look
you're right, very funny
A Tale Of Two Cities
"what's it about?"
Dull old Tess
" … a turgid slog through an extremely dull milkmaid's life." Thus one reviewer of Hardy's beautiful Tess of the d'Urbervilles. Chuckle.
the fiction music reviews
I usually don't bother with but the ones for techy stuff I find useful as they can point out persistant faults or trends with camera or widget that the press don't mention and you can only find out when 100's of people use a gadget.
The Gulag Archipelago
Gets reviewed as:
"Some dude gets sent to prison and keeps moaning about it. Newsflash! Prison isn't supposed to be fun!"
Unbelievable.
I wrote one for Andrew Collins' first book
and he actually emailed me to say thanks, which was nice of him. I bet Iris Murdoch wouldn't have bothered.
Why would
Iris thank you for reviewing Andrew's book? :-)
Which book is this a review of?
and no googling
Is it...
Anne Frank?
Oh if only
it's not that good I'm afraid.
Something by Jane Austen?
Nope
You'll kick yourself when you find out.
Is it...
Adrian Mole?
Is it...
Catcher in the Rye?
It is
Sounds like a pretty fair review to me!
It's well known that 'Catcher In The Rye' is a work of genius if you first read it when you were a teenager, but a big old whinge if you were older.
I've tried it more than once...
...and found it unreadable.
Like many 'classic' works of literature...
...it left me wondering what all the fuss was about.
I read it at 14
Absolutely adored it. I bought a fresh copy about 10 years ago but haven't read it for fear that I would hate it now.
what Andrew Harrison said.
At 16 I thought it was about me
But I've not dipped into it since. I dare not. But it was right for the time.
Quite
No other book captures the blinkered, self-absorbed world of the teenager. If you read it at that age (or, as I was, are made to read it) it alternately confirms and lampoons your view of the world.
I wouldn't read it now, but would recommend it to anyone under 21.
What about...
Adrian Mole? :-)
Way too cosy
Can't stand the Mole books, or the first two and a half I read. It's a middle class mum's idea of adolescence (ooh! zits are funny!), angling to get a gag in at the end of every diary entry. To quote the Panic! hitmakers, it said 'nothing to me about my life'
dave Eggers
Hearbreaking Work of Staggering genius?
Adrian Mole?
I haven't looked lately
but the reviews for Katie Price and Peter Andre's album were hilarious.
Amazon should release a book of the reviews.
Haha!
"A must for any car journey" - That's some claim.
Smash It Up
That'll be one of those car journeys where you plan on getting the speed up to 100+, undoing your seat belt and heading straight for a wall then...
These are the people
that give 5 star reviews to records that haven't been released yet because 'they haven't heard it but they just know it is going to be great'
This is good
The review:
The product:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Canvas-Print-HITLER-Mary-Evans/dp/B001AUDUPG/ref...
This is probably the most helpful
if exhaustive review in Amazon history:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Crystal-Ballpoint-Medium-Point-Black/dp/B000JTOY...
Also
quite a few good reviews for that product. I quite liked this one:
I purchased this biro to test out the old adage that the pen is mightier than the sword. Having challenged a black belt Kendo champion to a fight I am now down to one arm and I think the bic got stepped on - so the old saying is a load of rubbish.
Cormac McCarthy
The few 1 star reviews of 'The Road' contain this gem
"This is not a good book because there would like loads of food to eat ,hello supermarkets. Also what about rollerblades, everyone would get about using these . Not realistic."
Fantastic.
Helpful, as well as practical
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B002UDS3RM/ref=cm_cr_rev_prod_title
I'm a bit worried now
Because I write a few amazon reviews (not that many, I'm something like 5726 in the list of top reviewers). Thankfully no-one has quoted from mine.
What amuses me is the comments you sometimes get - I got this when I said I was disappointed by "CSI:Ambleside"
"This review is drivel. there's always gonna be easy targets and light-heartedness, it aint some pesky commie student banned railing about imperialism, there's enough of that crap out there but what you have is wit of the highest order and massive subject range. You probably think the arctic monkeys are funny."
And this when I suggested that PJ O'Rourke might be a bit right wing:
"It may come as a shock to you, but it is an established and demonstrable fact that Britain was was a Socialist nation between the second world war and Margaret Thatcher. The Tories themselves, during these years, openly acknowledged an acceptance of many Socialist principles. You may have forgotten the formation of the NHS and the vast expansion of the Welfare State. The enormous programme of Nationalisation of British Trade and Industry. The promise by Harold Wilson to guarantee full employment (which lead to the heavy subsidisation of industry), strict financial controls that dictated what money could be taken out of the country and what amount of credit could be offered by banks & building societies. The rise of militant trade unionism, and the rise of the marxist trade union agenda (Red Robbo and Arthur Scargill) that threw Britain into political and economic chaos...
I could go on but I think this is illustrative enough to make the point."
As a sign I'm getting old, my main thought about both these comments was "don't they teach spelling, grammar and punctuation in schools any longer?"
I think the last one
was someone in the process of failing their GCSE politics studies saving their essay in the wrong place.
Great ELP review
"Three middle aged sex tourists" - priceless.
Whilst your Smith commentator was clearly foaming at the mouth, it's not a particularly controversial view that Britain was run by a succession of interventionist 'managed decline' administrations until the late-70s.
What I find annoying
is the number of reviews - and I'm thinking particularly of DVD reviews - that give the entire plot away.
Hostile reviews
in their bluntness can sometimes capture something which favourable reviews leave out. A book can be a masterpiece overall, but also have dull parts (in fact don't they all). I happen to think Proust's In Search of Lost Time is one of the great works of fiction, but I can't deny this Amazon reviewer also has a point:
"Absolutely dreadful book cannot think of anything good to say about it. Awkward disjointed style, surprised there are not three pages devoted to paint drying. One feels no connection with the characters other than possibly distaste. Four or so pages devoted to a ten year old boy machinating on whether he is going to get a good night kiss from Mama. That's about as exciting as it gets."
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
At the end of a negative and rather badly written review:
I must admit I was misled from the beginning, I thought that this book was actually "The Guide to the Galaxy." However, I was disappointed to find that Adams's book is only referring to a made up book that explains useless knowledge to ficticious characters. Therefore making this book even more useless!
and in a similar vein:
First of all, let me say that much of the so-called "story" in this supposed "book" is nothing but lies and weirdness. Some of it even defies all belief! If you like books about crazy aliens who act like they are out of their gord, well maybe this book is up your alley. I'm worried that if you let your children read this, it will make them think the world really works like this, and that you can talk to mice like they are people (no kidding -- it says that). Good luck teaching kids right from wrong after they've had their brains scrambled by this rubbish. At times I could not tell if Mr. Adams was trying to be funny or if he really thinks this way. I suspect maybe he needs professional help or something. I shudder at the thought of encouraging people to publish this sort of insane rambling as if it were a travel guide to outer space. I certainly didn't get any good, practical travel advice from this book. Stick with Fodor's and save yourself the bother.
do authors ever review their own
for a laugh ?
Not the case with Adams, Solzhenitsyn and Proust I imagine--but I could see a somewhat merry author logging in ...
Paul Ross Canvas Print
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Canvas-Print-PAUL-ROSS-MirrorPrintStore/dp/B001N...
Don't buy this picture. It looks fine on the website, but the one they send you is upside-down. My wife hasn't stopped crying for a week.
Shoddy, Amazon. C-.
The Best Paul Ross ones
are
"If you only buy one 20" inch Paul Ross print this year,Make it This one"
and
" I discovered it was cheaper to get Paul Ross to come round and stand in front of the fireplace"
Glad to it is "Sales Rank:
Glad to it is "Sales Rank: 58,189 in Kitchen & Home"--perhaps he bought one for his brother ?
and I've just spotted
"Definately helps with potty training"
Ladders
Yes - Ladders
Best thing I have ever read on Amazon and I am including the Paul Ross print reviews and the Katie and Peter album reviews.
This man is a genius
http://www.amazon.co.uk/My-fave-ladders/lm/26AAVCRXC56FI/ref=cm_srch_res...
I couldn't help noticing
that the homosexual ladder was one of the only two that was out of stock.
Overcoming obstacles- worth splashing out on
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0981621023/b3ta-21
Spunktastic!
Perfect reviews for cheering up a depressing sunday evening. Much more invigorating than The Antiques Roadshow or Heartbeat or whatever crap is on the other side. Well spotted that man!
by the power of Google...
Diane overcomes (ahem) your problems with Spunk on a Stick™
http://www.spunkonastick.net/
For some reason,
subscribers to the 4chan internet bulletin board decided to bombard Amazon.com with over 400 almost identically laudatory reviews of "Who's Next".
http://www.amazon.com/Whos-Next-Who/dp/B000002OX7/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=m...
Amid the bumlickery, however, was this corker:
"This band call itself the Who, seem like they maybe try to confuse people. And what men are doing on cover?? Music on CD just not good either. Drummer terrible, maybe he take lessons and they record album over. Songs not making sense either. One say "The Song is Over" but it not, it just starting. And "Baby O'Riley" not about a baby, it about something else. Not good!!"
This book
has the most appropriate author.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Wanking-Definitive-Ultimate/dp/19051...
They don't come any better than this
Hilarious reviews of an absurdly-priced cable from Denon:
http://www.amazon.com/Denon-AKDL1-Dedicated-Link-Cable/dp/B000I1X6PM/