The eleventh-hour withdrawal of Michael Jackson’s worldly possessions from public sale must have left the auctioneers scratching their heads, wondering what other collection of pop ephemera could possibly fill the Titanic-shaped void in their catalogue. The career-related detritus of the average celebrity pales in comparison next to the King of Pop’s grotesque waxwork likenesses, stage costumes that resemble the heavily-braided uniforms of South American military dictators, and original works of childish abstract art done in collaboration with the actor Macaulay Culkin.

Maybe it’s time for those who make a living from hawking pop memorabilia to follow the example of other beleaguered industries and charge heedlessly into the virtual marketplace. Why waste time sourcing and authenticating real physical objects for auction, when you can cheaply obtain fictional items that have been mentioned in song lyrics for a fraction of the cost?

In the salesrooms of the virtual auction house, objects such as the leaky tarpaulin that provided inadequate shelter for a homeless Kurt Cobain in Nirvana’s - Something in the Way could be yours for a tenner. As the tarp’s new owner you will be granted licence to make a single digital reproduction for use in a computer-simulated environment. Maybe your World of Warcraft character would like it for his birthday.

Song lyrics are the ideal place to look for gifts: Perhaps you are fretting over what to buy a friend or co-worker who likes golf, but already owns a great deal of golfing equipment and a large number of allegedly humorous books on the subject. Golfers love holes so why not buy them one of 4000 currently occupying an imaginary version of the Albert Hall in the Lennon/McCartney headspace. This offer is subject to the successful negotiation for the digital rights to distribute these holes online.

If you have a sizable chunk of money to invest, then now may be the perfect time to purchase some non-real estate. Bo Diddley’s rattlesnake-hide house, mentioned in the song Who Do You love?, is made from bio-degradable materials, has easy highway access, and a brand new chimney fashioned from responsibly-sourced human skulls.

If that doesn’t appeal, then how about a weekend retreat, away from the hustle and bustle of the city? The B-52’s Atlantan ‘Love Shack’ sits in its own acreage and comes ready-furnished with a coin-operated jukebox. The property is currently in a dilapidated state: Structural weaknesses cause the whole shack to shimmy, the tin roof is badly corroded, there is graffiti on the door, and the building possesses an odour described by it tenants as “funky”. However, with a little TLC, it could be the ideal home from home.

Rocket 88, arguably the first Rock & Roll song, was an attempt by Ike Turner to advertise an Oldsmobile 88 that he wanted to sell. The tradition continues to this day and there are plenty of bargains to be had: Donald Fagen’s Kamakiri - a steam-powered vehicle, jointly built by the great automotive nations of Scotland and Bali - comes with state of the art Tripstar Sat-Nav and its own hydroponic farm in the back. The high-mileage is due to its former owner’s fondness for trans-island jazz odysseys.

If the Kamakiri is a little too smooth for your tastes, then how about a rugged off-road vehicle? The Fountains of Wayne’s ‘Survival Car’ performed well in crash tests.

Railway enthusiasts with a few million dollars burning a hole in their pocket might like to invest in The O’ Jays’ ‘Love Train.’ The amorous locomotive ended its commercial life hauling slate from a quarry in the Ukraine, but has since been restored to full working order.

Ladies: Are you planning a party this weekend and in need of something to wear? If it’s a casual evening, then Victoria Williams has a lot of very worn-down ‘Shoes’ that she is looking to offload. (On a related note she also has a ‘Frying Pan’ for sale). For the more dressy occasion why not peruse Kelly’s song ‘Shoes’ and pick out a pair that rule from the huge quantities of “shoes that suck”. The Sugababes are offering a ‘Red Dress’ made from a climate-control fabric that will keep you cool all evening. As far as accessories go, what item of clothing is more resistant to the passing whims of fashion than a ‘Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat’? This one has been hand-crafted by master-milliner – Bob Dylan. You can wear it with just about anything.

Gentlemen: The terylene shirt effortlessly modelled by Suede’s ‘Filmstar’ would be a stylish addition to any wardrobe. For the Bohemian look, mix and match it with a pair of the ‘dirty pants’ that Smog’s Bill Callahan liked to dance in. Top-off the ensemble with the dog tags that were given to Stan Ridgway at the behest of his ghostly marine saviour ‘Camouflage.’

Nothing gets a party started quite like 50,000 beers. Lightweight Silver Jews frontman - David Berman - claims that it took him 27 years to drink them all (in his song Trains Across The Sea).

If alcohol isn’t your thing then how about pooling resources with your friends and putting in a bid for ‘All The Cocaine In The World’ from The Webb Brothers’ song of the same name. Those with more conservative Class A drug habits may wish to take advantage of The Reverend Horton Heat’s more easily consumable ‘Bales of Cocaine’ which can delivered direct to your door by low-flying plane.

If you have a saucier evening in mind, King Missiles’ ‘Detachable Penis’ retails at just 22 bucks -17 if you haggle.

Finally, if you are planning a night on the tiles, then it’s wise to prepare in advance for the morning after. Why not pay a visit to the yard sale where the contents Mark Eitzel’s solo album 60 Watt Silver Lining are on sale at knockdown prices and ‘Aspirin’ is available for purchase.