Entertainment For Lively Minds
The mid-life crisis check list
Posted by David Hepworth on 1 May 2009 - 10:03am.
The papers today are full of pictures of golfer John Daly making his umpteenth comeback. I know alcoholism is nothing to laugh about but there's something about Daly that tempts you to make an exception. Things like:
* He gets arrested for drunkenness - outside Hooters.
* And smokes during a round.
* And has his hair dyed blond.
* And wears shades to make himself look mysterious.
* And has just bought Jimi Hendrix's old trousers.
* And has just had a gastric band fitted (not pictured).
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"(not pictured)"
Thank heavens for small mercies.
yet to me
as one who has no interest in golf - he is the only interesting player of that sport.
To be fair to Daly...
The points you list could easily be applied to the 24-year old John Daly too. He's always been like that (well, apart from the gastric band). Crisis? It's business as usual!
Which could well be...
....a good working definition of the mid-life crisis - behaving like a 24 year old.
What...
...a splendid trouser that is. Where do I get a pair?
Stripes are slimming
apparently.
To quote that old chestnut Not The Nine O'Clock News
"What a player! What a professional! What a prick."
Though I don't mind JD at all really. Fancy having the same initials as his favourite drink too.
Also...
...are you suggesting, given the journalistic pause, that it would have been ok to get arrested for drunkenness - INSIDE Hooters?
If so, I agree. In a post ironic way. Probably.
I suppose what I'm saying is...
....there's drunk, there's roaring drunk and then there's too drunk for Hooters.
Fair Point.
And I have been all three.
I'd like to see Daly
in a golf tournament with those other "wild" golf fanatics Iggy, Alice Cooper and David Lee Roth.
"dad,
can you just leave now, please? And take Uncle Chris with you. Why? You've spilled Sea Breeze down your shirt, that "hot blonde" Uncle Chris has been dancing "near" is my friend Natasha - incidentally - its "pwned, not "pound" - and finally no they haven't got any "Dan" - ok?"
Guilt
Christ, I found myself wheeling out some "Dan" last night and trying to drum along to it on my new kit. Shoot, I'm 43.
43?
A mere child.
Those trousers? Huh.
Those are *nothing* compared with the ones with which he was pictured in the print edition of the Times recently. (Unfortunately the online edition cropped the picture so that all you can see is his garish orange shirt (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/golf/article6194667.ece)).
Those trousers (two shades of orange in an eye-watering diamond check pattern) looked as if they'd been stolen from a blind clown.
You forgot one tell-tale MLC symptom
Good list...
I wonder what he drives.
An MLC is an important life event ...
.. and deserves to be recognised in the same way as others such as Birth, Marriage and Death with some kind of proper event. If it wasn't too late for me, I'd have a party in a discotheque with masses of unsuitably young women and wear a special costume of too-tight trousers and open necked shirt.
Are you having an MLC? Score one for any of the following...
1. Do you own any car with a soft-top?
(This is England, people - and score 2 points if you own such a senseless vehicle AND drive more than 5,000 miles a year)
2. Have you had your first tattoo over the age of forty?
3. Have you ever had anything whatsoever to do with hip-hop?
4. Gym membership anyone?
5. Have you CHANGED your hair in some noticeable manner in the last six months?
N.B. Shaved off to disguise male pattern baldness counts, as does growing it to an unsuitably long length (Mr Hepworth gets a free pass - I think his has always looked like that)
6. Got a secret credit card to register for Dating Direct without embarassment?
7. Started engaging younger women in conversation that NEVER, EVER covers your children's ages or how it's going to be hot this year just like it was in 1976.
(Score 1 extra point for feigning interest in any kind of TV talent show and another one for not using the expression "exploitative mindless bollocks" when one is mentioned.)
8. Own a pair of what I believe are called trainers that you have never used to take part in any sport (watching a game in them does not count)
9. Score one for each subscription to the following (unless you are a dentist)
- Top Gear Magazine
- Yachting Monthly
- GQ
10. Have you deliberately lost more than half a stone in the last six months?
Score over 3 and you have about a year to go.
Over 5 - your MLC is here already. Lets crack open some bottles of imported beer with limes, round up a few blonde trade-in options and get the party started. Like, YAAAAAY, dude.
a bit harsh
I think most of us have pairs of trainers - surely it buying expensive new "stylish" ones that is the give away. And I think it is joining a gym that is the giveaway, not being a member.
You could add major career change to the list.
Nah not harsh
I'm 42 and only tick the trainers box so can live with it. Fact that I have owned a pair of non activity based trainers since I have been in my teens is neither here nor there......
someone say party?
Add points for
wearing those 3/4 length long shorts/short longs things.
wearing trousers with lots of zips and pockets unless you are actually going hiking
wearing anything by Abercrombie and Fitch if you are over - say -24?
Now, pausing only to perk up one's cravat
"hello you lovely young creature - tell me - may I tweet you sometime?"
Babe - you are hotter ...
.. than the hinges hanging on the gates of HELL! Let's cool you down with a glass of Chardonnay Toot De Sweet
- (I nicked this)
Has anyone seen my...
... deck-chairs?
Isn't playing golf
the no. 1 indicator of a mid-life crisis...?
"Mid-life"?
In my opinion you could drop the word "mid" from your question Mark and still be on the money...