a clenched arse burp

Robert (pro: Rawbert) Fripp (v) a naked clenched arse burp

slang term for literature normally perused while one is at stool

...little-known regional pastry of uncertain origin, now ring-fenced by EU legislation. Traditional picnic item on Kentish caravanning holidays, enjoyed its heyday in the '70s.

Björn Ulvaeus (n. med): intractably infected beard rash.

...a term used by tailors to Free Church clergy in the Glasgow area to denote the particular shade of vestments favoured by a certain tier in the episcopal hierarchy. The original dye is believed to have been extracted from a fungus peculiar to the region in the 18th century, which opened out in full bloom to reveal the prized shade within, hence the oft-heard (if now obscure) phrase among tailoring folk 'fungus splays the blues'.

Of interior spaces, to be akin to the inside of a 1960s British Leyland family saloon.

Moments of religious uncertainty among the faithful

Which leads to -

The Marianne Faithfull - a sub sect with devotion to a particular icon always portrayed with the same exaggeratedly female figure (especially in a key series of black and white visions in the 1960s) and who further believe in breaking Lent by consuming chocolate products

The kind of scratching caused by ageing sunburn or new beardgrowth - "While the rest of the group packed away their instruments Robin Pecknold stood gazing at the moon through the window, absent mindedly mitch mitchelling" Mojo, August 2010.

In mid-20th century pornography, the Ringo Starr, or "stunt anus", was a backup actor employed when the rectum of any of the main participants suffered sudden and catastrophic mechanical failure. Ringo Starrs were legendarily reputed to make a sound like a blown bottle-top while walking.

...London slang for hooligans often found causing minor damage to cars outside Saturday gigs in the '70s. Eventually the problem spread all the way to Memphis.

The friction burns on the moobs of the morbidly obese.

A mild Scandinavian insult, much favoured in Icelandic sitcoms of the 1970s. Originally from the Reykjavik slang "Björkshire Veiðar", which rhymes with something much ruder.

A dried up desert waterway full of sideburns and rusty Vauxhall Crestas

The posture adopted while walking to a public lavatory under imminent danger of soiling oneself

A failed business transaction. A deal is said to have gone "kim" when one of the parties to the agreement develops a serious heroin habit and disappears to the other side of the country for most of the following decade.

In the little-known (and less decorated) German Foreign Legion, a "Conor Oberst" is the name for any Irishman who rises to the rank of Colonel.

The alleged bloodline that links Jesus Christ to Mary Tyler Moore.

A receptacle to store a washed 'Geronimo' condom for use the following week.

Slang for unexpected expelling of trapped air during the donning of a prophylactic

An erection of which the owner is uncommonly proud.

...Wolstenholme:

a ground-breaking reinvention, pioneered in the 1990s by Yorkshire farming magnate Les Holroyd, of autumnal agrarian techniques associated with, and once successul in, a bygone age. Believed to have been first used by one Barclay James, Holroyd added a sheep-farming element to the once exclusively arable model. A sadly now extinct local breed of sheep, the 'woolly Wolstenholme', was favoured. Business rival John Lees continues to plough his own furrow on the matter of preserving Barclay James's once widespread ideas.

Beyond the remit of punk bands (e.g. The Ramones)

One who expresses strength and bravado in front of their mates, but 'crumbles' in a conflict.

The sound that occurs when throwing a recently emptied beer can in the general direction of a metal waste bin, as it rolls round the rim before landing on top of similarly discarded items.

Money put aside at the beginning of the night incase one needs to purchase condoms later on.

Novelty broccoli

The feeling of being happy with the former MP for Wolverhampton's dubious views on race

Seven pints to the worse

To stop doing something extremely successful and pursue a course of action for art's sake.

The nickname given to Joan of Arc by tabloid journalists of the time.

The kind of person that gets into music you've liked for ages and then evangelises about them to you like you've never heard them before.

The kind of person who dismisses any music that you recommend on the grounds that if they were any good they’d have heard of them already.

Rare birth defect whereby the glans of the penis resemble a top hat.

...apoplectic reaction felt by bowler-hatted dinosaurs in the Drumcree area, Northern Ireland - a wondrous place - when denied the chance to walk down the 'Queen's highway' at an inconvenient time in July.

Small bits of confectionery found in male trouser pockets

Any cliched exclamation in a language other than your own. 'Gott in Himmel!', 'zut alors!' and 'begorrah!' were the 3 most common santanas in Britain according to the last Mori poll in 1986.

An apocryphal tale of appalling accidental mutilation which happened to the friend of a distant acquaintance of the teller. Popular slints of the past included the one about the razor blades embedded in the Great White waterslide at the Swindon Oasis leisure centre in the 1980s.

Slints have fallen largely out of favour since the advent of happy slapping, and are now primarily used by Design and Technology teachers as a method of crowd control.

A cold morning (as opposed to Long Acre - a warm morning)

Brand of fibreglass undergarment worn by some of the more enthusiastically austere orders of nun.

slang term for any unruly mass of matted of hair, wether on the face, the nether regions or indeed found to be blocking drains

on of the funniest, wittiest & LOL-tastic threads there's ever been here.

Just wish I was clever enough to join in! ;-)

A particularly nasty dose of haemorrhoids that can in extreme cases cause the sufferer to walk like an Egyptian.

The pink rimmed indentation left in the icing of a Kipling's bakewell tart when someone has pinched the cherry from the top.

A term used in 2011 to describe people who still listen to Styx.

A severe callus of the elbow.

The salty metallic taste of the contacts on an expired 9v battery.

Device in underground Swiss scientific facility for separating newly discovered ry particles from dark matter, a process known as cooding. When fired up it emits a haunting, twanging sound caused by vibration.

Well known Northern Irish vehicle rental company

A fiery alcoholic cordial derived from Tyrolean root vegetables and pine bark. May cause blindness and/or visions.

That feeling you get when you hear cheesy falsetto singing

No one has defined Cliff Richard. It's just too obvious , isn't it?

Cocktail invented at Twistleton College, Oxford in 1954 at the founding meeting of the Bloody Foul Club. This infamous dining society, the brainchild of Old Cheltonians Piers Ffeatherstoneshawe and Jonty Grulb, meets to this day, six times a year, and has as its guiding principle the consumption of ever more ludicrous and inedible delicacies. In 2008 a Bloody Fowler - Crispin Flanch, 19 - famously died after attempting to eat a spiked railing.

The Iggy Pop, which may only be drunk from the shell of a wild tramp slaughtered at Whitsun, consists of three parts Madeira to four parts Pimms to two parts strawberry Yazoo to one part WD40.

Named after legendary bad tempered and foul mouthed Family singer Roger Chapman who was inclined to be a bit sweary to, for example, a 16 year old kid who has hitchhiked over 200 miles IN THE DARK, OVERNIGHT to see him play live in, say, Edinburgh.
"Alan, what do you think Terry said there?"
"Not sure Gary, but I think he gave Ferdinand a right Chappo".

Brand name of a defunct cold and flu remedy that was outlawed in the early years of the Twentieth Century.

Left to sit in its trademark square jar this viscous medicine would separate into distinct red, gold and green layers.

[errm, perhaps not in hindsight]

Extremely spicy condiment. Use sparingly, as too much will leave you unsure of what you've eaten, or, indeed, if you've eaten.

The industry terminology for the modern "snap" ring-pull.

Female born within nine months of her parent's wedding day.

Suddenly discovering, while making an unsolicited and lecherous noise at a passing member of the opposite sex, that you have a large amount of phlegm in your throat.

An extremely sharp offal knife.

A High Court judge who has not yet realised that his flies are undone and everyone in court saw a bit of his knob when he walked in.

An old Hampshire expression meaning: I really don't have the slightest idea.

To go very very very fast without any semblance of a decent end product.
"Alan, do you think Theo Walcott will be in Fabio's next squad?"
"Not sure Gary, he's a bit Alvin Lee for my liking".

What happens when an online community turns against one of its members for admitting to, say a liking for early eighties AOR

An emoticon briefly used in the early 2000s to denote the singer Erykah Badu.

The anxious and uncomfortable feelings associated with a traffic delay on a journey to an airport.

The feeling one used to get on a Sunday afternoon when everything was closed, there was nothing on TV and the pubs didn't open for another four hours.

Descriptive of the pair of facial expressions worn by Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais while watching Karl Pilkington being dressed against his will in native costume.

The request for dressing room accoutrements favoured by 90's boy bands.

We live on a hill

Lesser known catchphrase of 80's Crackerjack presenter Stu Francis

Berry Gordy's letterhead.

A type of dark spinach

Pebbly debris found at the bottom of cereal packets

Slang term for 70's german porn

Those last bits of "toilet" that require extra attention, possibly a wet wipe

A scuffle at a wedding

A fertility related condition of the 'tubes'

A parent who is late for the school run because he or she has been having an illicit bunk-up with another parent may be said to be "totally polvo".

The pile of unwanted stack heeled shoes donated to Oxfam

The elite level of a Mafioso, one in overall charge of more than four families.

original name for Brut

the dregs of food found in the kitchen drainer after washing up

The belief that your lottery numbers will come up this Saturday.

Unpredictable latin tide

a Glaswegian claiming ownership of a kebab.

The middle rank of priest in the Vatican's elite diving team.

liverpudlian term for someone who has a funny walk due to haemmeroids - originated in early 60's

Very large counterbalance carried in the bowels of a ship

early 50's german knitting commune based in st ives

term of endearment exchange between cyclops

A Daily Mail columnist who steals sperm.

A Swiss resort for cheese tourists.

garment worn by NW trawlermen in cold weather

an internet blog thread of no real value but impossibly addictive and entertaining, some claim never to have experienced this phenomenon only those that have can truly claim to have reached this place.

A gentleman's accessory.

To feel on top of the world, due to being talented, glamorous and v. v. Rich.

Britney (adj) jaded, faded, past one's best.

victorian cheesemakers collective

At parties, a host who introduces the shyest and most reluctant guest to the brashest, loudest and most tedious before shouting "OK, BYE!" and disappearing, is said to have "midlaked" their victim.

70's fashion revival of previous noted gentlemens accesssory

Hale & Pace's short-lived textspeak-only YouTube channel.

To be extremely good at what you do whilst being totally hatstand.
"Alan, what did you think of Keane's performance today".
"Well Gary, he was superb today, but he is still a bit of a Ginger Baker".
Ps: When I worked for Fine Fare in the late 80s I did have a ginger baker work for me... he was about 5feet2, red hair obviously, weighed about six stone soaking wet, a complexion akin to milk and was always ALWAYS covered in flour. His nickname....? "The Dark Destroyer".

A gastric restriction device internally fastened around Fat Larry's stomach, in the hope that he might be referred to as simply "Larry."

old naval term for below deck shenanigans i.e Tom and Dick enjoyed a some rum and a Barry Manilow

A medieval method of field irrigation, now sadly lost.

Mythical Antrim curdler of milk, causer of childhood dumbness and taker of the 'angels share' of fine whiskey

Expression of surprise favoured by texting Satanists.

The German diffusion brand of Black Sheep ale

Very small high quality syphonic flushing toilet

The feeling of one's genitalia trying to creep back inside one's body when watching particularly graphic medical procedures on TV."That show about liver transplants gave me the Ting Tings"

Unpleasant panic attacks involving shaking and sweats brought on by the fear of being thought mediocre.

Wilting of the follicles caused by injudicious use of hair gel

Violent Italian youth movement created by Berlusconi marked out by their trademark russet coloured dyed hair.

Similar to the common or garden Youssou, but in the house

Still an illegal practice in 18 US states

Fish-based soup, popular in the Med

A welcome greeting used in parts of Yorkshire

Painful foot condition, caused by dancing along to old TV music programmes

Used ironically like "wicked" which has come to mean "excellent", so "Bono" which originates from the French for "good" has actually come to mean its opposite

A bundle of toilet paper used as protection against anal incontinence

The distinctive walk affected by followers of a short-lived Liverpool dance-pop band popular in the mid-1980s

Extreme masturbation

Once went out with Top Cat...

A drunk says goodbye

An expression of violence found in Yorkshire-based superhero comics

Someone who makes chocolate

People who tell you what's going to happen in Corrie, despite being asked not to.

A small restrictive rubber garment worn when practising Einsturzende Neubaten

Dutch film based on Dumb and Dumber

Paintings by Morrisey.

To irritate an Irish person.

Annual convention in Michigan dedicated to the third most popular Python.

A collection of lochs

I am drunk. Slang: see also "Mullered"; "Wankered"; "Shitefaced" etc.

Device for instantly cooking frozen sausages

Aching joints caused by excessive masturbation, especially when forced to stay inside during the winter months.

Passionate affair between the heir to the throne and the celebrated naval officer.

The inevitable and sometimes frightening consequence of an ill-advised kebab on the way home after an evening of liquid over-indulgence involving several jager bombs

The morning after the Tornados

Any of a collection of uncontrollable/automatic tics, first observed in an impatient older man who would repeatedly tap and pat the top of his walking stick as he nervously tried to leave a room where he was being subjected to third-rate gloopy re-treads of ideas that Stevie Wonder had abandoned.

A simultaneous cough and sneeze of such complexity that it elicits admiration from those observing it

An unseemingly tumescent manhood experienced as being pressed against one's thigh upon the tube network, but which one cannot discern the source of.

Pâtissier

Usually applied to a person who combines self-righteousness, passive-aggressive outbursts and bum flowers.

The state experienced by audience members which leads them inexorably to the act of applauding any clip of a guest displayed by Jools Holland to the same guest on Later.

Scottish aristocracy messing about in small boats in both freshwater and sea lochs but not on open water. Often dinghies.

Playground expression denoting disbelief. [Origin obsc.]

(Sewage Lane Primary, 1975 "But I did, I did have trials with Man U!" "Yeah .... and I am Kloot")

Scottish valley dominated by the powerful and pro-Hanoverian Clan Campbell

To renege on a gambling debt incurred to the House of Medici.

Non-appreciation, delivered in a sarcastic tone along the lines of Daffy Duck's "Thanks for the sour persimmons, cousin."

Rich

measure of distance to nearest bathroom

submarine

Fine Fare's top-selling tea brand in the early 1970s

extras hired on location to work on The Wicker Man

The stage during drug withdrawal when the shivering sets in; "He went cold turkey and had a bad case of the arctic monkeys."

The "scenic route" from the airport to the hotel reserved for tourists from Japan.

Premature ejaculation.
"He had the buzzcocks and it was over within six seconds."

The sensation of driving over a series of speed-bumps at a higher than intended speed. [pl. chumbawumbi, adj. chumbawumby]

The act of getting rid of the healthy stuff in a yoghurt

Making a reservation for a game of golf

Future contestant on the 'X Factor but even their mum doesn't think they'll make it through the first round.

A pint of lager laced with rohypnol.

To completely misrepresent oneself

Mexican name for PJ Proby.

A collection of photographs of people called Stephen.

Secretary

Accidentally urinating whilst tying shoes.

Gordon Ramsey's 18-bedroom "holiday cottage" on the North Norfolk coast.

Lancastrian porn star

A uniquely hot blend of herbs and spices

To glower silently at someone who has just sat in a train seat which you feel to be yours as of right.

'Touching cloth'' on a car journey between service stations.

The apparently random multi-orifice sequence of loud and discomfiting noises emitted by old men on trains. Often, deftones are deployed by elderly passengers as a subconscious defence mechanism against the feists (qv) of their fellow travellers.

Bed/ sofa combinations used by caged animals

The longing for a haircut.

Stills and Nash assault Wooden Ships composer with dinner bell.

An usual opening gambit in Chess, named for its deployment by American Grand Master Zebediah "Rick" Springfield in which he conceded his bishop (not on this occasion a euphemism for masturbation). Onlookers said he shrugged his shoulders and sighed, saying "for what it's worth".

A Gallic 'King Tubby' (qv)

A popular round of drinks in the south of England.

Device for preventing premature ejaculation. Similarly also available on the market - Plastic Ono Band.

'Boutique' Audi model

morning bad temper related to having the painters in

Being strapped for cash, unable to pay one's round at a Mingle.
"I'm a bit Thin Lizzy until pay day. Could you sub me a Jagger?"

Ironic and affectionate sobriquet bestowed upon keen mate who really isn't quiet good enough.

budget airline

Failing football manager renowned for post-match excuses.

Steve's ham-fisted goalkeeper brother.

Over excited texter comes in his pants

Less successful steakhouse owning younger brother of Colonel Sanders.

Breaking wind in Norfolk

Stray drops of urine eg. "You've got P Diddy on your shoes"

Device for exterminating the pathologically honest.

Street map of Russian and other Eastern European prostitutes in Istanbul

Asked by lost tourists in US Capital

Extras in the 1960s BBC TV drama Pogle's Wood

Lead singer with Beady Eye

Outdoor spaces for Americans to practice their cockney accents.

Twin labrador retrievers

Software module that adjusts the penalty level for a parking offence according to the model of vehicle, postcode of the offender and date of birth, when paying via council website. Originally developed by Syco to eradicate multiple voting during Britain's Got Talent final in 2009, the project was scrapped after non-singing Diversity were declared the winners.

Your speaker cabinet has expired

Exclamation used by mothers after their toddlers endure a particularly messy sneeze

A sniper

Shambling blues-inflected singer in post office.

Obsessive hi fi fan

Curious George's indifferent sibling.

A longing to return to a North Yorkshire town

The view from the stage at a Word In Your Ear gig.

The term used by the British Association of Insurers to indicate the reason for 8% of accidents that occur on unlit motorways after 10pm.

Likes a wager, but nothing too risky.

A brand of cricket box favoured by West Indian batsmen.

Immature Icelandic seafarer with cuddly toy fixation.

A wedgie given to someone (usually a sibling) still in their 'jamas

v. anc. to gazump a troglodyte

A poorly presented draught beer in a West Country pub.

A 60s smoking jacket

Postulated component of elementary particles, similar to Quark, Strangeness, Charm etc.

On waking during the night when aroused, the act of gently nudging up to one's partner to see if they're at all receptive.

Whatever will be will be

A searchable online compendium of bon mots, insults and pithy observations. Intended as an inspirational aid to lavatorial graffitists, the site was seldom updated and has been down for some time.

An act of onanism prior to a romantic date

The sticky-up hair of one who has fallen asleep on the sofa

To register oneself as Out And About, and not available until sober.

The facial expressions adopted by porn actresses intended to convey that they are on a rocket ship to ecstacy rather than a badly sprung matress above a bookmakers in Dagenham.

A condom purchased in Streatham.

To clean kitchen appliances while unconciously humming a selection of show tunes

Hatstand, £ 7.99 from IKEA.

Italian terrorist cell, originally affiliated to Brigate Rosse, who released a post-incarceration jazz funk album.

Otaku with a predilection for printed porn.

Someone who has read the complete works of JRR Tolkien and speaks fluent Elvish.

a cheap wine of indeterminate origin, marketed to people who don't like wine but wish to appear sophisticated. See also: Il Divo.

To relax

Used to describe the feeling of one's stomach lining after a night on the Rossini (qv). "Oooh, my tummy's a bit kasabian this morning"