Can I have new sheets please? I've just wet the bed.

Captain, you are a leg end. But surely eke is also a verb, describing the act of inserting an 8" piece of rubber hose into one's satin bell-bottomed loon pants, much favoured by singers with poodle barnets in rock bands and glam groups.

Usually male. For better effect insert in the front of the trousers, NOT bum cheek area.

You may well be in line for Major Underpants after that post.

I can barely string two words together at 7.44am, let alone do that. Far too much time on your hands clearly.

Erykah Badu.

I've said it before - I'd pay to read your posts mate! There's a "publishing phenomenon" just waiting to be unleashed!

Respectfully yours in a uhaqa style: "Keep them coming bro', keep them comin', comin' atcha, comin' captcha!"

and fucking funny! "The udunu is often used as a reprisal: "You uhaqa over my eke one more time and I'll udunu all fucking night.""

This is one of those moments I referred to yesterday here http://www.wordmagazine.co.uk/content/if-you-think-life-isnt-fair-try-sp... I'm sure there's a word for it in the Captcha Dictionary

Aliv

In 1992 the Swedish food conglomerate - Bengtsson - attempted to woo the health-conscious British public with an algae-based margarine substitute. Aliv was a dark green paste with the faint aroma of a stagnant pond – a smell that grew more pronounced the longer it was left unrefrigerated. The principle health benefits - that a single serving was a good source of natural fibre and contained 3 times as much iron as 100g of kale – did little to endear it to anyone. Aliv sold poorly and was eventually withdrawn from sale following a story that circulated in the British tabloids (later found to be untrue) concerning the discovery of live tadpoles in the factory where it was produced.

Aliv has since become a popular meme among certain highbrow British authors who make offhand references to it in their writing. The catalyst for this long-running private joke was an appearance by the Booker Prize Winner, Andrew Buckmaster, on Newsnight where, to the bemusement of Kirsty Wark, he talked at length about Aliv and mentioned that the Canada Geese in the park near his home would have your hand off at the wrist for a tub of the stuff.

Kuxo

An Indonesian game of skill requiring two live chickens (known in the game as ‘oracles’) who move pieces around on a board on behalf of a pair of human players. A chance element is provided by a third chicken whose movements are not directly controlled but can be influenced by prayer and offerings of grain. Kuxo is achieved when three blocks of the same colour are laid end to end by each of the three chickens. It is far more typical for the game to finish in a draw which occurs when the eight hour deadline is reached.

Interestingly, Kuxo began life in the 11th century as a method of divination and is still used in parts of Asia to predict the outcomes of sporting events, marriages and business deals.

In the early days of Channel Four, highlights of Kuxo matches were broadcast on Sunday morning, along with live coverage of the National Championships that took place every October in Birmingham. Perrenial Kuxo champion and teen wunderkind, Stephen Gosley, retired from the sport in 1999, when the official UK Kuxo League was dissolved. He is now a branch manager for Lloyds TSB bank.

Izukewa

Identified by Hans Izukewa as a tinnitus loop, in which a single note of music becomes stuck in the sound processing area of the brain where it repeats endlessly. The presence of one Izukewa increases the likelihood that it will be joined by other notes. Many sufferers find themselves the unwilling hosts to an ever-evolving piece of music that only they can hear.

Attempts have been made in the past to replicate these internal compositions for a wider audience. Glaswegian vicar, Douglas Earwicker, paid sufferers to hum their inner music to his wife, who would attempt to reproduce it on the church organ. These fragments of melody later became the basis for three volumes of modern hymns.

Recently a company has offered free brains scan to victims of Izukewa in return for the rights to release their music commercially.

Although many Izukewa sufferers have made peace with their condition and even describe its presence as calming, a tinnitus loop remains a strong indicator of organic brain damage and is often a sign of the early stages of Alzheimer’s.

Igix

By vigorously shaking its head, the male Siberian Igix releases a prismic musk, secreted from its dewlap, that creates vivid rainbows and attracts potential mates.

Brian Gunner – the drummer with Cholon - once described the Igix as “gayer than a pastel pink unicorn covered in glitter” - An opinion he later reassessed when, as part of BBC 3’s prejudice season he lived among a herd of the animals for a month.

“They’re tough Motherf*****s,” he admitted.

Okabujo

In a television interview given shortly after she was ousted from the chart-topping girl group The Asparteenies, Madison (nee Mary Adison) mentioned that at the time of her departure, the band had been working on a new song called “Okabujo.”

The following day the two remaining Asperteenies released a joint statement to the press:

The Apsarteenies are currently in the early stages of writing songs for their new album. Mary is no longer a member of the group and has taken no part in these sessions. As yet no titles have been decided on. Claims that we have recorded a song called Okabujo are both hurtful and untrue.

On the same day a spokesperson for The Asparteenies record company said: “The band have not recorded a song called Okabujo and have no plans to do so. They are considering their legal options in regard to this matter.”

As the story gained momentum News of the World printed a photograph of the group in the studio accompanied by the headline: “The song they don’t want you to hear,” with links to a clip on youtube purporting to be a leaked demo version of the song. This was later revealed to be a hoax and removed.

Meanwhile a tearful Madison appeared on the GMTV sofa claiming that she had been a part of the recording sessions for the Okabujo, before being forced out of the group, and that her vocals had later been wiped. She added that she had been blocked from releasing her own solo version of the song.

There is now a Facebook group campaigning for the release of Okabujo. A rival online petition is campaigning for the recordings to be buried with nuclear waste. Plans are also afoot for a charity album in which various NME-friendly bands will write and record a song called Okabujo with the proceeds going to victims of landmines.

As Pamela Bull remarked in her weekly pop column for The Observer: “It’s drama like this that keeps The Asperteenies front and centre in the public eye.”

Edit: I was going to suggest http://www.dictionaraoke.org/ but the bloody site has disappeared. Hours of fun that you will not experience now

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dictionaraoke

Stop press!! The files have been archived here...

http://www.archive.org/details/dictionaraoke

Listening to Senses Working Overtime right now

CAPTCHA-as-Liff style definitions are all very well, but what I've used across a few sites is ReCAPTCHA. You've probably come across it, and helped the cause, without realising it. It basically uses humans as expert Optical Character Recognition machines, keeping out the spambots while using the very human input to define, refine and then further refine tricky words that scanners aren't comfortable with. Brilliant confluence of technology, I reckon...

More on this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ReCAPTCHA

An elementary particle that is still recognised by several eminent physicists despite mounting evidence that its alleged discoverer, the controversial Princeton Institute for Advanced Study professor Randall Bargebilger, just made it up. If it does exist, the ffion has infinite mass, variable electrical charge depending on the hemisphere in which the observer is located, 1/7 spin, and, in addition to both particle- and wave-like properties, the ability to occupy seven multiverse branes at the same time (hence its peculiar spin fraction, as should by now be obvious). Its advocates hold considerable hope that, once fully operational, the Large Hadron Collider may be able to isolate and capture a ffion as it vibrates at its characteristic frequency of minus-0 brane-Hz.

Emesup
noun

Slang term used by roadies to denote a roadie too drunk or stoned to work properly.

Its etymology can be traced back to the sound check before The Who's 'Live At Leeds' concert. Having had his half pint of mild spiked by Keith Moon 16 year old trainee roadie Nigel "Hi Hat" Crumb was stripped naked and ordered onto the Leeds University stage to test the microphones. In a near catatonic state Crumb stood transfixed staring out from the stage while opening and closing his mouth in what was believed to be an attempt to say "one, two". Moon staggered onto the stage laughing hysterically while pointing at Crumb shouting "He's messed up, he's so messed up" before sticking his drumsticks up Crumb's backside.

Rawa
noun

Type of pedal for electric guitar

Conceived by Otis Ferry (son of Roxy Music front man Brian) while shooting trespassers on his father's estate the Rawa Pedal was designed exclusively for use by boys in bands at fee-paying schools. Like the Wah Wah the Rawa is intended to mimic the sound of the human voice but limits its effect to vocal sounds that mimic upper received pronunciation. The Rawa is sold exclusively at Harrords and retails for £1399.

Ikoco
noun,verb

Of famous musicians and songwriters, to discuss animatedly the cumulative effects of band members' wives and girlfriends on the quality of their musical output.

The term was popularised by disgruntled Apple Corps employees after the demise of The Beatles but became notorious and more widely known during the making of the film Son of Dracula which starred Ringo Starr and Harry Nilsson. Realising almost from day one that the film would be utter shite various members of the cast and crew saught to lay blame for their collective ineptitude on the partners of the film's more famous participants. The term was popularised in the late 70s with the publication of Pete Frame's Rock Ikoco Trees which showed that all rock band fall-outs could be traced back to Jane Asher. The term fell out of favour from the mid-eighties as the trend for blaming the offspring of famous rock musicians for their piss-poor output took precedence.

Epomako
noun

The Epomako CMI is a type of sampling synthesizer that allows the musician to record any Peter Gabriel track into it and then play back that track broken down into its constituent everyday sounds (e.g glass breaking, kazoo blowing, armpit farting). The first known use of The Epomako CMI is on the Crowded House track It's Only Natural which used the Gabriel track I Have The Touch for its opening although it is claimed that Tom Wait's entire Swordfishtrombones album is all of Peter Gabriel 4 played though the Epomako.