Thanks To The Word Podcast For Helping Me With My Bastard Neighbours
I have the misfortune of living in a terraced house in a street where the house next door to me is a rented property. Now, don't get me wrong, I am 40 and the house I live in is the first house Mrs Futurenoir and I have ever bought. So, I have no problem with tennants, per se, as I was one for 20 years. The problem is that we have had at least three different sets of neighbours over the past year, and this new lot, who moved in on Monday, are probably the biggest bunch of tossers I have ever encountered. With a penchant for techno music at ear splitting volume for at least 18 hours a day, I have found that the only way I can retain my sanity and get any sleep at all is by shoving my noise cancelling earphones in my ears and listening to the word podcast as I drift off to sleep at night. I have loaded every episode of the podcast onto my ipod, despite having heard them all before, I find the voices of Mr Ellen and Mr Hepworth a great comfort to me as I try and get at least 2-3 hours sleep a night with the relentless banging of the techno music which goes on until about 3.00 am.
Poor Mrs Futurenoir has to resort to earplugs, but I would like to thank The Word, and the podcast, for providing this invaluable service to my sanity. I haven't heard the latest episode, yet. But I am looking forward to hearing it at about one O'clock this morning as the walls in our bedroom begin to shake. Come the weekend, I'm going to place my stereo system against the living room wall and those bastards are going to be subjected to Trout Mask Replica at full volume on repeat for an entire afternoon whilst I take my wife out to dinner.
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Sir, you are bitter and twisted,
but I feel your pain, I once lived next door to a pair of charmers who's idea of a night in was a few litres of cider, Celine Dion and a lamb vindaloo which remains seemed to end up in my bin!!
Trout Mask Replica is to good for them, Let them have Bat Chain Puller at full tilt!!!!
I've changed my mind
Give them "An Evening with Wild Man Fischer" that'll sort them out.
Ultimate revenge
Get a copy of Metal Machine Music or Arc/Weld.
Weld
That's what I was was going to suggest too.
I'd offer them
a taste of their own techno. In my experience, nothing travels better through walls.
Trout Mask Replica as weapon...
The penny has dropped.
or how about...
Pat Metheny's Zero Tolerance For Silence, or Throbbing Gristle's Hamburger Lady or Suicide's Frankie Teardrop or late period Elton John...
be sure to leave the house yourself first!
Thanks for the suggestions, people
I had forgotten about Metal Machine Music. I have a copy somewhere, so that's going on, too!
Might I suggest some Wagner?
There's something about powerful opera that can often freak out techno types. For a while I lived in a second floor apartment where those on the first floor behaved in much the same way as your neighbours. At 8.30 one morning, the 3 CDs of "Lohengrin" went in the machine, the speakers were turned to the floor, volume was up to max and we went to work. Noise wasn't so much of a problem after that.
Although I really like the Trout Mask Replica idea too.
Mary Had A Little Lamb
by Wings?
In my experience it can empty any house very quickly indeed.
Give 'em some LSC
My brother had a near identical problem, new neighbours who slept all day after playing techno all night. After a long discussion I went around to his house one Saturday morning armed with six identical copies of a disc that consisted of the same song twenty times.
The song I chose was "Paralysed" by The Legendary Stardust Cowboy. It's hands down the worst song ever recorded bar none. Hearing it once at volume will drive you insane.
He put all six discs in his cd player, moved the speakers next to the wall and let it play and play and play while we went to the races for the afternoon.
He said it was still playing when he came back many beers later. They moved out not long after. I'd like to think I had somethng to do with it. Get that song it's beyond atrocious.
It's a cacophony, less than three minutes long with incomprehensible yelling and drumming punctuated by an utterly tuneless bugle solo. Best of all (I think) was it's prefaced with an introduction by the man himself, "Hi, I'm the Legendary Stardust Cowboy..."
If my plan did work those words probably still crop up in their nightmares. "Hi I'm the Legendary Stardust Cowboy..."
Some severe folking too might do it too!
Full volume Morris On might be interesting. Or, even more challenging, The Compleat Dancing Master, spoken bits included.
Marvellous!
Actually
As was recently revealed on the BBC, all you really need is a five second loop of David Gray:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7488498.stm
Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon, Babylon...
Paul Anka...Rock Swings...
Very loud and soon you will find yourself the recipient of a noise abatement order, an ASBO and most likey no neighbours
"everybody hurts" is probably the most offence weapon in this arsenal.
I can strongly recommend
some John Spencer Blues Explosion
1941
A loop of screeching planes and John Belushi screaming "Banzai!" is enough to club even the hardest-clubbing technoid into submission.
Or Mary O'Hara.
The Noise Police
Can't you report the assholes to anyone. There must besome noise pollution rule round your way. 18 hours would drive me to do very wicked things in return.
You can indeed.
A call to the Environmental Health people at your local council should do the trick. They'll get a letter. Then, if they don't stop, they'll get another threatening them with a confiscation order.
If they ignore that then these cats have the power to come round, rip your neighbours' windpipes out and wave them around in the air until they make funny little whistling noises.
Also
If they are tenants presumably they've signed a tenancy agreement with the owner somewhere along the line and I wouldn't have thought 18 hours of techno was something that the agreement allowed. Probably wouldn't allow 18 seconds in fact.
Failing that , something very bass-heavy with your speakers up right up against the shared wall...
The Secret of annoying Techno idiots
Generally these morons are creatures of the night. Whilst living next to some Budding "DJS" we had the same problem as you. From about 4 in the afternoon until 4 in the morning we had it. Slayer's "Reign in Blood" at 8am worked a treat and had them complaining about the noise. These prats can't handle anything before midday so give 'em HELL and you also stay within the law,as i believe noise restrictions go from 8am 'til 10pm.
If it is affecting your quality of life do as Eddie g suggested. It worked for me.
Thanks Guys
I really appreciate your comments and help. It makes me feel a lot better. I'm going to make a call to the environmental health office tomorrow. Probably anonymously. I hear on the grapevine that the place is a tip, with dodgy electrics, gas and a boiler that has not been serviced and checked properly as is the law in rented properties. I'm hoping the council will get a court order to inspect the place and deem that no one should be living there in its current state.