Try being born in Ramsbottom.

[Insert name here]

Don't bother telling me the town - it wouldn't help! :)

You must:

1) Spend every day on the beach and have an all year-round tan
2) Have kangaroos/koalas in your back garden
3) Get bitten by deadly snakes/spiders/sharks frequently
4) Own a hat with corks dangling from it
5) Know my sister and her husband in Adelaide

So it's not about the questions, it's about the HILARIOUS AND ORIGINAL COMMENTS.

... But nothing bizarre, just always mentioned
1) Did they really hang a monkey? (No, but we elected one as mayor)
2) Ah, so you're a Geordie... (Not even close)
3) Do they call people from Hartlepool 'Hartlepudlians'? (Yes, we are)
4) That's where Jeff Stelling comes from! (Indeed he does)

Although I now live in Saudi Arabia people always used to ask how I dealt with the fact that alcohol was supposedly banned in Dubai.

isn't the north Island New Zealand and the south, Zealand? You know, like Northern Ireland and (real) Ireland?

1) You're from Belfast. Do you know Paddy Murphy? He lives in Galway. Answer: Funny enough I don't (He seemed surprised)
2) Do you have electricity over there? Answer: Some of us even have flushing toilets (Didn't get the sarcasm)
3) How do you say Merry Christmas in your language?
Answer: Merry Christmas (Bemused that we spoke English)

i was born in Dudley, whenever I tell people this they immediately say Dudlaaaaayy in a broad approximation of a Black Country accent. I blame Lenny Henry, and no im not from Birmingham !!!

No

in the late 80s, working in a nice restaurant as 'host' but with a London accent: 'Oh, what part of Australia are you from?' 'Er London. England.'

or blue?

...just because you know the answer.

"Are you in the army then?"

about 40 years ago, and mentioned that I came from NZ, one of my co-workers asked

"So do you have those black bastards down there?"

I was speechless then and I still am.

i was once genuinely asked whilst at a party in greenwich village NY if i knew paul maccartney, due to my living proximity to liverpool at the time - proper gobsmacked - as if he just went to my local paper shop and tesco etc!

"Are you in the army?" - no
"Isn't it dangerous?" - no
"Aren't there lots of mines?" - well, yes, but that doesn't negate the answer to no. 2. As long as you don't go for walks in the heavily signposted minefields, or land your paraglider in a minefield (as soon Slovenian tourists did recently, causing one of them to leave with two fewer legs than he came with), you'll be fine.

"I bet you get given lots of free chocolate, then?"

Er, no. Because Cadbury's is a business, not a charity.

My sister-lin-law from East Grinstead. "Is it safe now to bring the children to see the Christmas lights in Oxford Street?"

I told her to bring a machete.

No - not a stupid question. Nobody knows anything about Northamptonshire, the Kansas of English counties.

"Munich"

"Do you like the Krauts?"

"Yes, I'm married to one"

"Good grief!"

A St Louis cab driver once asked me.

Well, er...

1. "Scottish? I thought you said you came from Britain"
2. "Scottish - well, you sure speak good English"

Reader, there is no response to either of those statements.

"Oh, wasn't it cold?" (Yes, but not as cold as you'd think)
"Did you see any polar bears?" (No, wrong hemisphere.)

No questions as such, just the universal assumption that you must be into football and are probably bit lacking culturally. My first teaching job was in London and I was impressively patronised: 'We're going to a Greek restaurant tonight, but we didn't think you'd want to come cause you won't know the food' etc.

There's an odd variation on this where someone has moved to a new place, whether it's a country or town, and has lived there for years, but still thinks that everyone else knows more about it.

I once shared an office with a German in London. He was very genial, in his fifties and had lived here since in his early twenties and become a British citizen. I was about thirty at the time, which means that we had both lived in Britain for the same length of time, the only difference being that he had been an adult for all of it. He often asked me odd questions about "this country" such as why Marylebone Road wasn't pronounced the way it was spelt; why we drove on the left; why the British didn't eat horse meat. I'd have had to look up the answers just as much as him - I didn't have special access to some secret guidebook.

Guy in seat next to mine asks "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Cornwall"
"Is that in the north?"

I've had countless conversations along these lines, up and down the West coast of the US.

"What part of Australia are you from?"
..."The English part"
"Oh! whereabouts in England?"
..."Bristol"
(blank stare)
...."it's about 100 miles West of London"
"Oh! I had an {insert relative} who went to London! I'm going to Europe one day!"
..."That's great!"...
"Can you say {insert word} for me?"
..."{says word}"
"Ooh! I love your accent!!! {attempts English accent}"
..."...I'm standing in front of you..."

Only yesterday at work, one of the more insufferable types asked me to say "Alpha". So I did.

"Why didn't you say it like this? *wurzel accent* Alpherrrr - you've been over here too long."

I reply that I've never said it like that and it doesn't have a "r" on the end, anyway.

"But you are from Lowland Britain*. You should say it with an "r" on the end. I've been discussing your accent with our Indian subcontractors and they can't understand you either!"

Reader, I was too flabbergasted to reply. You have to take it in the spirit of curiosity, and also treat it as a truly great power to have when courting the fairer sex (maybe I'm an Alpher male after all...)

*I don't know, either

The question we always get asked..

"Which way to the ferry, mate?"

Hayling ferry? Gosport ferry? Cross-channel ferry? Gosport ferry? Isle Of Wight passenger ferry / car ferry / hovercraft?

but work for a UK company who refer to the UK branches as being on the 'mainland'.

"Where's the university?"

Having lived in 3 other European countries for various periods of time, I'm often told (by english) 'Ooh, you're so lucky you got to live in Europe.'

'I took a Greyhound all over America, did you?' No, I'm not an english or a meth head.

'You haven't lost your accent'. This is both the stupidest and most aggravating thing I hear and I still hear it regularly. As though there were something to be 'gained' by changing the way I speak. Just because everyone here does.

... sorts of questions. One question I've been asked several times is "where's that accent from?" as though me and my accent are two separate things. The first time I was asked this the first thing that came to mind was "I bought it in a gift shop in Connecticut."

No, I haven't had that one very often. I have told people, though, that I come from Wyoming. When they question the accent I tell them my ancestors, who were ultra Puritans, we're driven out of Jamestown and settled in Hillsdale, just outside Cheyenne, Wyoming, where even today the locals speak with an English accent. It's interesting to see how many people simply laugh and how many say something like "wow! I've never heard that before."

..and meet another scouser, anywhere in the world, and they pick up on your accent or you pick up on theirs, the first 2 questions are always 1. Which part of Liverpool ? 2. Red or Blue ?

In America it's always..."I just luuurve your accent, whereabouts in England are you from" And when you tell them it's "Did you know The Beatles ?"

Foolish Person: "So, where are you from"
Me: "I was born here."
[pause]
FP: "Yes, but, you know... where you from?"
Me: "Burgess Hill. In West Sussex."
[pause]
FP: "Yes, but..."
[continues until the universe ends]

Reader, it STILL HAPPENS. I've almost used up my RDA of Very Deep Sighs.

Because no-one willingly admits to being frae Cumbernauld, Black, Brown or White?

Do they still have the Mafia?"

My father-in-law's brother lives on the South Island. He refers to it as "the mainland".

Is that where the pies come from?...there's even a facebook page stating thus, and the town has recently been named in a stongbow advert.http://youtu.be/NTbK3sb4kck

I live in Streatham but a lot of people who don't know S London ask where is it exactly? I usually say "halfway between Brixton and Croydon, its widely regarded (in local Estate Agents at least) as the new Clapham you know. I really don't mind the drug dealers, they just shoot each other".

I've caught out a few people who live or have lived in Colliers Wood. They have said things like "very near Wimbledon" or "in South Wimbledon", when its actually slap bang in the middle of Colliers Wood. I lived there for a year once and was proud of it

but the funniest was a mate of mine who lived in Peckham and whose neighbour had put his flat on the market. On the advert in the Estate Agents the location was glammed up a bit "Two bedroom flat for sale, Blackheath borders". How sweet?

A) The Beatles
B) Princess Diana

Those with whome I have mingled will almost certainly testify to the fact that both are difficult to justify

"Is that where the Tarts come from?"

Cue the inevitable pudding/tart discussion and a lame joke about the local women.

"So where are you from?"
"I'm from Wick, it's in Caithness, in the far north. Close to John O'Groats"
"Is that next to Aberdeen?"
"No, no, it's right at the top" *does hand gesture chopping upwards*
"Perth?"
"Eh no, that's going the wrong way. It's right at the top of the country, right at the top" *repeats hand gesture*
"Inverness?"
"No, but we're getting a bit closer. It's 100 miles north of Inverness"
"Elgin?"
*wearily takes pen out and starts to draw map of Scotland*

The above is a conversation I regularly had with fellow Scots when I moved to Edinburgh to go to college. For what it's worth, I've found that English folk tend to get it when you mention John O'Groats.

"You're from Edinburgh. We're visiting Edinburgh next week/month/year/festival/Hogmanay, can you recommend a great hotel for us?"

"Nope - because I live in a house there and don't tend to stay in hotels when I have a free bedroom instead"

Oh on the broads?

No, that would be the Norfolk Broads, I live in north Norfolk.

I bet it's all flat isn't it?

No, that would be the Norfolk Broads, I live in north Norfolk.

Continue ad infinitum....

TAXI DRIVER- So where you from?
ME- Cardiff. In Wales.
TD- Where's that?
ME- In Britain. Not far from Liverpool. Liverpool in England. You know, where The Beatles came from.
TD- You tellin me The Beatles are from England? Hell, I thought those guys were from New York.

True.

At least he didn't bore me with any rugby talk.

No, some of us actually prefer football. Most of us in fact.

When I first started hanging out with Norwegians, I did seriously ask whether they had horses in Norway (it was a long and tortuous conversation). My new mate gave me a look like I had crapped on his cornflakes. I was thinking that most animals would freeze to death, particularly since he'd already told me drunks passing out in snow drifts and dying was a pretty regular occurence, but no. In fact his girlfriend's family had a farm I went to visit in Hamar. In the winter. At 20C below. In jeans and trainers. I still don't think I've actually seen any farm animals over there. They probably live in barns nicer and warmer than most of the houses I've lived in through the southern half of the UK.

...whenever I go back to England and tell someone the country I live in I'm amazed by how often I get the "So are you hungry? :D" comment?
The only acceptable reply is to pretend you don't understand that it's an attempt at humour:
- No, Hun-ga-ry, the country.
- Yes, but are you hungry? [grin grin]
- No, I had lunch about an hour ago. Why?
- Oh, never mind...

Sometimes people like to show off their geographical wisdom and ask "So are you in Buda or Pest?" When I answer, they nod and have no follow-up question of any sort - which makes you wonder why they bother asking.

On a different note, when asked where I'm from in England, I say Bristol... and around 95% of people (non-Brits) immediately confuse it with Brighton. Why on earth is Brighton so well-known? I mean I like the place, but why so famous?

I grew up in Nottingham. The most usual question was, "Are there still five [or six, or seven - insert your own made up number] women to every bloke? Must be great when you're on the pull."

Not exactly what you want to hear when you're a spotty 17 year-old with permanent wrist ache.

As a Brit living in Italy the most common question I get asked about Britain is: why don't British houses have bidets?
I never know what to answer.

'That's in Kent, isn't it?'

'No', I reply.

Ranger - you ain't from round here, are you?

Me - No, I'm from England.

Ranger - We had a guy in here from Scotland last week.

Me - I probably don't know him.

Ranger - Oh, OK. You have a nice day now.

Yes
"Are you an Arsenal fan?"
No, I live in Crouch End not Surrey

I was asked this question when making arrangements with a client from "down South" to meet me in my Paisley office. Was tempted to say "No, but an exception could be made in this case..."

Brentwood... The home of The only way is Essex. You can guess the rest.
Tho we do get some top crumpit jetting in on weekends.

Brentwood... The home of The only way is Essex. You can guess the rest.
Tho we do get some top crumpit jetting in on weekends.

Because I can't afford to move out.

Because my house is worth f*ck all.

Because it's in Hull.

And no one wants to live here.