Entertainment For Lively Minds
Sporting truisms
There have been posts about musical and movie truisms. How about sporting ones? Let's hear your axioms about sport, be they wise, bilious, indisputable common sense or plain weird.
Here are some of mine.
Martin Johnson was one of the dirtiest so-and-sos ever to take the rugby field, certainly in an England shirt. And the reason he's still England coach is that no one has the guts to tell him he's not up to the job.
When the word "passionate" is used by or about any sportsperson, chances are they've done something stupid, or violent, or both, and are looking for a way out.
Before taking a corner, most corner takers will raise one or both arms. Nobody knows why they do this.
All motor sport is a waste of petrol.
If a British athlete wins a race by tailing the leader and coming off their shoulder at the final bend, it will (rightly) be praised by the BBC commentator as a perfect tactical race; if, however, the Brit is the one who's led throughout and loses out, s/he will be praised for their courage and for "having done all the work" - and the winner will be damned with faint praise, with a faint suggestion that they "stole" the race from the plucky Brit.
The Match Of The Day presenters represent the truly dispiriting triumph of lazy laddishness and feeble humour over trenchant analysis or (for the most part) insight. Sack the lot of them, except Hanson, and get a lead presenter who will bring out his excellence.
Richie Benaud is God.
Serena Williams is the most graceless, sour loser in tennis.
Class transcends the ages. Look at old footage of Fanny Blankers-Koen and you just know she'd have reigned supreme in any era.
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Rangers will win the SPL this year,
...thanks to the skill and spirit of the players and management, of course, but also due to a certain Tony Mowbray OBE (Out Before Easter) ;-)
Sorry for the partisan post - I s'pose another sporting truism is that, well, people are partisan...
Defenders hate...
Pace
corners
depending on the team
both arms = far post
one arm = near post
In my son's (U11) team
both arms means "I'm doing this because I've seen Arteta doing it at Goodison and it looks cool".
True
that.
Football Managers
Get agitated, chew gum manically and point and shout from the touchline to no discernible effect.
As if anyone needs telling to knock the ball forward a lot and not give it away.
Cheating is the worst sin in football
every time the ball goes over the line in a football match, players from both sides will claim the throw in. One of them will always know they are cheating.
This happens many times a game in every game played and nothing is ever said, so lets not get so precious about cheating in football.
Audley Harrison
will NEVER be World Champion
Oh yes!
Audley Harrison is Exhibit A in the case for proposition "Boxers, as a whole, are the most deluded sportsmen"
Audley Harrison
Should be arrested for impersonating a professional boxer.he's not so much deluded,he is a genuine contender for Care in the Community,when he shadow boxes the shadow wins.He is known as Rembrandt, as is never off the canvas, the only recorded boxer with a cauliflower arse.
*Snort*..
Must remember that one for future use..
And the latest twist...
He's managed to beat Michael Sprott to win the vacant European title, in a dvelopment that will only prolong the agony, as it has given him fuel to pursue his delusion that he could get in the ring with one of the Klitschko brothers.
He deserves a bit of credit, apparently (I didn't see the fight), for hanging in there when his right arm was effectively useless from the fourth round on [no change there, you might say!], and he had the heart to produce a big punch in the last round to knock his opponent out. However, Michael Sprott is hardly a world beater. He has a modest record (17 stoppages in 46 fights) and anyone with world title pretensions should have dealt with him easily.
Poor Fraudley. I kind of feel sorry for him.
I did see the fight
and it prompted my truism. I genuinely feel sorry for him because I have never seen a boxer that is so unable to deal with the fact that he may at some point be punched in the face. I have some sympathy with that view as it is very unpleasant but don't say you'll be a World Champion or call yourself A-Force if that is the case. The knock out punch came from sheer despeartion and while spectacular only delayed the inevitable. I really hope his shoulder never recovers because those Klitschkos punch HARD and I can't bear to see Audley with his mouth open, eyes closed and arms rigid as another Klitschko jab busts his head. I repeat, he will never be World Champion.
And at the same time
boxing takes the award for the sport that concocts the most versions of a world title... in order to spread it amongst all those deluded egos, presumably.
Clive Tyldesley
is unable to comment on a European match featuring Liverpool without mentioning 'that night in Istanbul'.
One day...
A Fourth official will completely lose it, grab a whinging manager by the throat and screaming "what the f*ck do you you want me to do about it", beat the crap out of him!!
Surely
you mean "that night in Barcelona"?
"All motor sport is a waste of petrol."
I beg to differ, on many, many lavels and at many disciplines, but offer one name: Valentino Rossi.
Watching Jeremy Guscott...
...take flight at the Rec was a thing of beauty
Footballers are insanely overpaid
Sporting events are too expensive.
Tennis is no longer much fun as a spectator sport.
Snooker was more fun with beer and cigs in shot.
Jeremy Guscott
Quite so. Some of us still haven't forgiven Jack Rowell for sidelining the Rolls Royce that was Guscott for the clapped out old Morris Minor that was Phil de Glanville, a man who not only got into the team when he wasn't worth a place shining Jerry's boots, but was made captain.
Ooh yeah.
England haven't had a centre to match him since. Just class. He seemed to run in slow-motion. One of the most graceful atheletes I have ever seen. Good in the commentary-box now as well. Phil De G, from what I've seen of him since, now seeems to be rather raddled.
Oh yes they have
and I cite Will Greenwood. He was one of the most under-rated (by spectators) but appreciated (by colleagues and opponents) players ever to have graced an England or Harlequins shirt.
Greenwood and Tindall
In the runup to the 2003 World Cup, especially on the Southern Hemisphere matches, they were the best England centre pairing I can remember. Devastating in tandem working off Jonny in his pomp who was, in turn, operating under the wing of the incomperable Richard Hill who was, in my view, the most important man in the side bearing in mind that we had the finest placekicker in the World at our disposal. Plus we had a dirty bastard as captain.
Richard Hill was devastating...
...we take soccer players to tournaments when they're carrying injuries and - hey - they disappoint. We took Richard Hill to the 2003 RWC with a knee injury that would cripple most mortals and he delivered. Utmost respect. The next time you hear a soccer player referred to as "hard" you should compare him to Hill in terms of mental and physical strength, attitude, application, dedication, brains, determination and sheer courage. There is no comparison.
BTW, don't forget Mike Catt. It's no criticism of Tindall but selection was a tough call and he came off in the final so Catt could come on and help close out the game. But it's Greenwood who played all 100 minutes.
Darts...
...is one of the best, most exciting sports to watch, live or on TV.
The Masters..
Still one of the best bits of sport to watch on TV. No sponsors. Nothing tacky. And pretty flowers.
Or, as Giles Smith described the flowers at Augusta...
"Hilariously rare fronds".
MOTD
Recently described by Richard Williams of The Guardian as a "smugfest" and he's not wrong. And Hansen is the worst of the lot.
Smugfest
as criticism by Richard Williams! Pots, kettles.
It's a game
of two halves
No-one listens to/asks questions at
a sporting press conference with any expectation of hearing the truth.
Motor racing isn't a sport, it's traffic.
When someone is passing comment on a sport, there is a view that playing that sport at a very junior/amateur level makes the speaker an experienced and highly qualified expert in the field.
Anyone described as "The New Pele/Fangio/Borg/Botham/etc" probably isn't. (See movie law regarding "In the tradition of...")
It is unlikely that WAGs fall for sportmen because of their brains.
All of us have wanted to be a champion at a certain sport at some point in our lives. Most men still haven't got past this phase.
Two From Me
Any sporting event that doesn't feature either Liverpool FC or racing cars is not worth bothering with.
Conversely, the only sporting event which features both (Superleague Formula) is deeply suspect.
One from me..
If a football player is described as "a supremely confident young man" then it means he's a cocky, arrogant shit.
Similarly
The phrase "You wouldn't want to lose that part of his game", usually uttered after a 'passionate' player has just been sent off for an act of aggression, is both irritating and wrong.
Also, the phrase "he's not that sort of player" is invariably uttered after a foul which proved that he is indeed that sort of player.
Excellent thread!
Sheffield Wednesday/Leeds United/Middlebrough/Sheffield United/Southampton, etc. are "sleeping giants" - No they're not, they are playing in the divisions they are in because they are not as good as they think they are.
Mark Lawrenceson is embarrassing, he is the only person who finds himself funny.
Any cup tie that is played in Yorkshire anywhere other than Sheffield or Leeds will feature "atmosphere shots" of pithead winding gear, steelworks or dark satanic mills.
Rugby League is a sport contested by professional sportsmen, rugby union is a game played by public schoolboys.
Golf is the dullest form television sport can take.
Stuart Maconie hit the nail firmly on the head in his description of American team sports as rounders (baseball), netball (basketball) and catch (American football), all games played by girls at junior school.
Excellent post!
Especially the first point. See also 'their rightful place at the top' which is often applied to my own club (Liverpool) but not by me.
NFL is a girl's game alright
here's some proof
Sheev..
Why did you think the above clip would be of interest?
I thought it was very boring. And I watched it four times. Just to make absolutely sure.
I'm, er, just popping upstairs for a minute.
Sorry Len
You're right I went off-piste there. Anyway - not sure I'd like to tell this guy - Lawrence Taylor - ex New York Giants - that he plays a girl's game. Not to his face anyway. He broke a man's thigh bone in a game once.
And...
Sport is always more exciting on the radio...
In football, you can break someone's leg...
split a guy's head open deliberately with an elbow or kick someone in the face while they are lying on the ground with impunity BUT...god forbid if you should actually spit at another fellow pro.
England at the World Cup
Will lose the first game and get an important midfield player sent off.
Will draw the second game.
Will win the last group game with a lucky goal bouncing in off Crouchy's boney arse in the last minute.
They will comfortably win the last 16 game and be pronounced winners with 3 games to go.
They will lose the quarter final among further sendings off, injury and the inevitable penalty shoot out.
The spoilt "golden generation" will write books about the experience, blame that foreigner Capello and Roy Hodgson will be installed as England manager before September so the the sorry cycle can begin all over again.
Thanks Dave
You've saved me having to watch the bloody thing now.
I forgot to mention
Sally Gunnell: one of the country's greatest ever athletes. Really: world and Olympic champion, not to mention European and Commonwealth champion; world record holder; storming 4x400 last-leg relay runner. She's disappeared off the radar now, having been thrust out to trackside to gabble at knackered runners, with a mike in her hand and no training. A modest OBE compared to Dame Kelly Holmes. There's no justice!
Test Match Special is the ultimate in radio
No argument, it just is.
ITV coverage of football has always been shit.
Just before half time...
...is always "a good time to score", preferably at Wembley, with its "wide open spaces" and on the "slightly greasey top surface".
genuinely interesting sports people
....are few. Most of them bore me stiff as I listen to them prattling on with the same old cliches about their game that day or performance or some boring memory from their past career. Most footballers can barely string together a lucid sentence. Over the decades only a handful of sportspeople years have been truly entertaining off the field of play and/or even at times quite cerebral, such as:
Muhammad Ali
Brian Clough
Eric Cantona
Chris Eubank
George Best
John McEnroe
Sugar Ray Leonard
Ian Botham
to be honest I'm racking my brains already for anyone else. Has there ever been an interesting golfer or Formula One driver?
Can't comment on F1
But, in his prime, Seve was one of the World's most thrilling sportsmen. He played golf in a way we all dreamed we might if we were that good and had that essential flashing charisma; men wanted to be him, women wanted to be with him. He had, and still has, an ego like nothing I've ever seen. And quite right, too.
I hope he recovers from his brain tumour. I'm certain he's survived thus far through sheer stubbornness.
I can comment on Formula 1
Niki Lauda
Indeed
For The Record is an excellent read.
I love his dry, completely unsentimental outlook on life.
Definitely more
Martina Navratilova, surely. A legend in the game, a thoroughly admirable woman from what I can see, a role model for gay women in sport (and men too for that matter, though few have followed her), and an original and insightful commentator on the game.
What about Imran Khan? Not regarded as much of a thinker when a player, but is now widely acknowledged as a real (and rare) force for good in Pakistani politics.
Michael Johnson would get my vote too.
Le Prof
I know I'm biased as a Gooner, but I think that dinner with Monsieur Wenger would be a more than interesting evening. There's more to him than his very obvious obsession with football.
He's certainly cerebral, with his degree in Engineering (electrical I think) and a master's degree in Economics. He also speaks three languages fluently (French, German and English) and can get by in a number of others (Spanish, Italian and Japanese among them).
genuinely interesting sports people
Jack Doyle
Danny Blanchflower
Jack Johnson
John L. Sullivan
Bernard Hopkins
Jose Torres
John McEnroe
Don King
Zinedine Zidane
Eusebio
Babe Ruth
Michae Jordan
Mick McManus
Jack Nicklaus
Michael Jordan
A former top footballer
Despite being portrayed in the film of The Damned United as an idiot who could hardly string his name together Duncan McKenzie is a superb raconteur and that extra rarity among footballers, a man who can avoid speaking ib cliches.
Kimi Räikkönen
We live in era where F1 drivers (and sports professionals in general) increasingly resemble trainee accountants. Räikkönen's public persona - that of an embarrassed 6 year old mumbling into the collar of his racing overalls - contrasted sharply with apocryphal stories of epic Viking-style drinking binges. On at least a couple of occasions he decided that the best way to remain incognito while out on the town was to disguise himself in a gorilla costume.
My favourite off-track Räikkönen incident occurred in 2006, during the live ITV coverage of the Brazilian Grand Prix. Before the race Michael Schumacher was presented with a trophy by the footballer - Pelé - in recognition of his achievements in the sport. A lot of the drivers went down to the front of the grid to watch the ceremony. Kimi was not among them.
When Martin Brundle mentioned his absence to him, he replied:
"I was having a sh*t."
Clip below (Obviously not safe for work)
Kimi Räikkönen retired from the sport following the end of the 2009 season. I miss him.
Barcelona
give the lie to the truism that teams playing attractive football - entertain but don't win things.
Here's that chap Messi - who I've concluded is quite a good footballer
"It took me many years to learn to draw like a child" - Picasso
When I went to see Barcelona a while back I understood how they do what they do long before a ball had even been kicked in earnest.
They had a comfortable lead at the top of La Liga and were facing the ragged shower that were (and still are) languishing right at the bottom (Xerez). It was a cold night in December, and a very late kick-off that meant they wouldn't get home till about 3 in the morning, with training the next day for a tough match that weekend. And the pitch was doing its level (i.e. bumpy) best to look like Northampton's in those YouTube clips of George Best.
In other words, if there was one match all season for them to coast through, this was it. But Víctor Valdés was out there warming up 50 minutes before the kick-off - half an hour before anybody else - preparing to face the one team that was pathologically incapable of scoring a goal. When the rest of the team came out, all the warm-up was on the ball: first-touch flicks, control and turn, over and over and over again. Xavi and Dani Alves were so hyper and "in the zone" just knocking balls about that it was actually scary. Xerez, meanwhile, just warmed up, as you do - a bit of a stretch, a few cones, and ready when you are, ref. Oh dear.
When the match began, there were several more revelations - stuff that you don't see on TV because it happens off the ball. For instance, nobody - no, not even Thierry Henry - ever just stands there waiting for something to happen. They're like the angry sentinels of a wasps' nest, patrolling and zooming around, stopping dead in their tracks and whizzing off at an angle, running like buggery to chase every lost ball, with Messi and Ibrahimovic even running back to their own penalty area to regain possession and their pride. And that was with 70% possession stats.
Conclusions: 1. Making it all look so easy is very hard work indeed. 2. Leo Messi is indeed quite good at football.
We're back to our old friend, the 10,000 hour rule.
Malcolm Gladwell has written eloquently about how hard people have to practice to become so good. Barca seem to be able to put that in to practice. I think they recruit people with the right attitude and then give them the opportunity to do it. Man Utd are the only English club I see who come anywhere near but recently they seem to buy players who regard becoming an MU player as the pinnacle, rather than the starting point.
And I concur with the observations that Senor Messi is quite good with a pigs bladder at his feet. Or chest. Or head. Or anywhere within about a mile of him, really.
Barça were shocking last night, though
Xavi had a pass intercepted. Tsk.
when
I was a boy - this man was God - or rather Hod
The last time I saw a Premier League match live...
it was still called the First Division of the Football League, and although my memory is shaky I suspect that Mr Hoddle (and perhaps also Messrs Perryman, Crooks and Archibald) were probably involved.
White Hart Lane certainly still looked like a half-timbered bawdy house, though, I can tell you that.
Slap some Bovril on your boots and drink your dubbin, lad.
Isn't it?
The Arsenal 'kids'
Arsenal will draw two also-rans in the League Cup next year at the Emirates and will hammer them (choose anyone out of Wolves, MK Dons, Watford, Barnet, Millwall, Crystal Palace etc....) in front of 60,000 adoring fans.
The media will DDDDRRRRAAAWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLL over them
They will then be drawn away to, let's say, Blackburn Rovers and get an almighty tonking (usually two or three nil).
The 21st competition in a row they wouldn't have won.....still 'they're only kids'!
Why?
Shirts worn by footballers...
... have the top button missing, which is why their ties are not done up properly.
Footballers vote conservative ...
... with very rare exception.
Professional sports people are infinitely better at their sport than we think they are, but it's hard to spot because they play against players of roughly similar ability.
The world is divided into football fans and non-football fans: any other delineation, eg by race, religion, politics, nationality etc, is superfluous.
Rugby League players are hard!
Footballers have terrible taste in music, with very rare exception.
As Geoffrey Boycott says, one'll get you two.
Football *is* the beautiful game.
And the most true sporting truism is:
Huddersfield Town *are* the greatest team in football the World has ever seen.
Your second point
Is absolutely correct.
I was at college with one of your former players Gary Taylor-Fletcher (he was just Gary Fletcher then). I played against him in a 5-a-side tournament and he was like Pele compared to everyone else, but of course his abilities pale in comparison to top Premier League players.
Tottenham will always let you down
I know, I was there today
so true
Mr Topaz. So true. Wasn't there - was saving myself for the final. Obviously. Can't see us finishing 4th now either.
I'll be 45 later this year. I'm running out of next seasons to say "next season..."
I feel your pain..
as my brother and my best mate are both lifelong fans. There is, perversely, in this parallel universe known as Germany, an absolutely uncannily parallel club, the infuriatingly-potentially-excellent-but-always- blow- it-against-lowly-opposition, ladies and gentlemen I give you...FC Cologne.
And guess who I support?
yes, but
there's a 1 in the year next year!
Tiger's new Nike advert
Is breathtaking in its cynicism and venality. Sportspeople shill for corporations, of course. But to use your dead father to make you look deep and try to get sympathy after you've acted like a scummy tosser, while earning shitloads of money, well, that's Olympian in its dead-eyed calculation.
Intrigued
By the people passionate about televised golf. I'll watch football both in the stadium and on Tv and I'll know that I could not match the level of skill and athleticism on display (even in League One) and could never have done so. It's thrilling.
But golf? OK I could never be a championship golfer but on TV it's not exactly thrilling, is it? As one comedian commented years ago, it's basically televised sky. Show me the extraordinary putt, the hole in one or the winning shot. Keep the rest for the DVD.
Wow! look at the crowd here!
I remember it well (on the telly)
Rough
Jardine / Buchan
Donachie
Masson
McQueen
Forsyth
Dalglish
Hartford
Jordan
Macari
Johnston
Attendance: 50,800!!!
Have to admit the Welsh were robbed with the penalty as it was clearly big Joe Jordan that punched it. In hindsight, given the way things turned out at the tournament, perhaps that was a blessing in disguise ;-)
That said, we would have been deprived of the ultimate glorious failure and Gemmill's immortal strike...
That Night
was the drunkest I have EVER been. Bacardi. Was off my work for the rest of the week. Hallucinating sheepdogs in my bedroom...was almost decapitated by a clothes line in my garden... GLW stuck my head down the toilet and flushed... I thought at the time she was being kind, maybe she had an alterial motive....
Look at the crowd
The hand of Jord!
I'm getting all emotional watching Dalglish's goal. I remember it very well. It's all the more saddening though,watching this glory and that magnificent line-up, given the current total irrelevence of Scottish football in the global game.
Back to sporting truisms, Terry Hall at a Specials gig in Melbourne described Aussie Rules as "pass the parcel". It's funny because it's true.
Tottenham
Tottenham at the end of this season will have gone 17 (that's SEVENTEEN) years without winning at Chelsea, Liverpool, Man. Utd. or Arsenal.
That's about 70 (that's about SEVENTY!) games.
And get this.....the last time they did win (in 1993) was a narrow win against an Arsenal reserve team as Arsenal were saving their players for the Cup Final at the weekend!!!!
If they were to finish in that wretched 4th place they shouldn't be allowed into the 'Champions' League for this fact alone.
some football ones
if a footballer raises an arm and pushes another player it is viewed by the commentator and journalists as a disgrace and he is off the pitch. If a rugby team engages in a full on orgy of violence against the other side, it is seen as high spirits between mates and they'll all have a drink and a laugh about it afterwards.
No side managed by Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson, or Rafa Benitez has ever lost because the other team were better, but only because the ref was blind and/or corrupt, the opposition were thuggish and crude, the pitch was terrible, there was an 'r' in the month, etc etc.
Everyone's favourite manager will be deemed so in a slightly patronising way, helped by the fact that their team isn't really a serious threat to the top of the table (David Moyes, Martin Jol, Steve Coppell, Roy Hodgson, Bobby Robson, etc)
6 April 2010
"I believe we lost against a team that is better than us and that has the best player in the world." (Arsene Wenger, 6 April 2010)
I know it's unusual, but for once M. Wenger accepted defeat with good grace.
He's only gone and done it again
"Credit to Spurs, who defended very well and were sharp on the counter-attack. They won more 50-50s than us and it made a difference." (14 April 2010)
Sir Alex responds
"Tuppacoo Frenchman."
The big teams always get the big decisions
did you see The Chelsea handballs ?
Dreadful!
Other sports don't see the need to berate refereeing decisions.
Last weekend the Harlequins Rugby League coach was asked to comment on two very dubious forward pass decisions that went against his team (they lost the game narrowly as a result).
He said he didn't want to comment on them and instead spoke of the positive parts of his team's (and the opposition team's) game!!!!
And Harlequins are bottom of the league with one win all season so he IS under pressure.
However, those decisions at 'The Bridge' (copyright SKY, not to be confused with 'The Lane' or 'The Theatre Of Dreams') were truly SHOCKING!
Is there any supporter of the Bore Four who doesn't accept that they get the best deal vis-a-vis refereeing decisions?
Oh.....and John Terry is hopeless.
'World' class?
I don't think the guy's even 'Ryman' class!
John Terry = thug
It'd be silly to claim he's no good at football - that said, he is as slow as a snail and seems prone to the occasional mental (not to mention penile) walkabout. You'd want him on your team though, not least because it's like having an extra goalie - has he ever been penalised for handball?