and all their sat-navs stolen.

Police are looking for Leeds.

and ransacked.

Police are looking for leads.

I just couldn't see any future in it.

And is convinced he's a sledge.

I went to see him yesterday, but he's going rapidly downhill.

Have your eyes ever been checked ?
-No, they´ve always been blue

Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.

Jakarta?
No, she went by plane.

Where's my tractor?

Doctor, "Its not unusual"

I always inject them with a local anesthetic before I go into their enclosure.

I find that there's safety in numb bears.

...said to me, "How'd you like to speak to me mother?"

I said, "Through a medium."

© Les Dawson

after 40 years of marraige: It's over Flo....

I couldn't handle the uncertainty and the interference

The barman says, 'Is this a joke' ?

Peacefully, in his sleep.
Not screaming, like his passengers

(Mr Monkhouse, I think)

... worked in a helium factory.

His colleagues spoke highly of him.

...but what the hey.

Bloke's walking down the street when he sees a sign in the front window of a house: TALKING DOG FOR SALE. So he rings the doorbell. A chap comes to the door, and he says to him "I've come about the talking dog."

"Oh, right," says the owner. "You'd better come out the back and meet him."

So the bloke follows the owner out the back to a kennel, and out comes a little terrier and says "Hello. I'm Sid."

"Blimey," says the bloke. "I've never heard of a talking dog before - can you tell me a bit about yourself?"

So the dog says "Well, I'm fifteen years of age, and I was originally bred by the Diplomatic Service, from a long and noble line of talking dogs dating back to the time of Cromwell. I used to sit in meetings and report back to my masters about what was being said, and often I was seconded to MI6 for espionage work, too. Then, on my retirement four years ago, I mated with a five-times Crufts winner, we had seventeen pups, and now each of them has followed me into the Diplomatic Corps too, often working in some of the world's most dangerous regions."

"Wow," says the bloke. "Could you excuse me a minute - I'm just going to talk to your owner."

"Knock yourself out," says the dog.

So the bloke goes up to the owner and says, "My GOD! That dog's amazing! But why on earth are you selling him?"

And the owner says, "Because he's a fucking liar."

And says 'Is the bartender here?'

I was delighted to find a DVD called Come On Eileen in a car boot sale. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a bukakke video.

I saw a boy swimming alone in the sea so I threw him a pair of binoculars.

"What are these for?" he asked.

"You need supervision," I said.

The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're just a bit of string"

"No" he replied, "I'm a frayed knot".

No audition, nothing.

"Where are you ringing from?" he said.

"From my c*nt right down to my ankles" she said.

..."Doc, I feel like a moth."

The doctor says "er... this is a dentists office. Why did you come in here?

The bloke says "well, the light was on."

..."Doc, I've got terrible wind - I can't stop farting."

Doctor says "Hold on a minute", and leaves the room.

He comes back a minute later with a long window pole.

Man says "What on earth are you going to do with that?"

Doc says "Open a window, it fucking stinks in here"

laying pipelines. At dinner round the camp-fire one night he turns to his more experienced colleague and asks:

"Say, this is a bit awkward but I miss my wife, what do you guys do for a bit of the other out here?"

"Oh, we use the camels" his colleague replies.

The Engineer looks a bit aghast, but nods anyway. The next night at dinner, he approaches his colleague again..."Jesus, that was disgusting, I mean I'm fully sated but really...how could you shag the camels!?"

"Shag them?" his colleague exclaims "Shag them? We don't shag them, we use them to ride down to the brothel in the Casbah!"

He was out standing in his field.

...they told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

(Chic Murray)

One says to the other "bleedin 'ell mate, I'm starvin! Where can I get some grub round 'ere?"

His pal replies "if you go abaht 2 miles up that way you'll find a bacon tree, grab us a few rashers off the branches an' we'll 'ave a nice fry-up".

Half an hour later the first cowboy returns in a bedraggled state with and arrow in his hat and covered in blood. He looks at his pal and shouts,

"Flippin 'eck you prune, that weren't a bacon tree up there, that was an AMBUSH!"

A man rings up a vet in the middle of the night, and says, "There are two dogs hard at it on my doorstep and there's nothing I can do to stop them."

The vet says,
"Have you tried throwing a bucket of water over them?"

The man says,
"Yes - no good."

The vet says,
"Have you tried telling them they're wanted on the phone?"

"Will that work?"

"Why not? It just worked on me."

... who says to him "You have got to stop all that wanking."
'Why?"
"I'm trying to give you an examination."

after a sixteen year absence. He sits in the confession box and looks around and says to the priest " blimey things have changed round here. I don't remember the Whiskey, the Guinness on tap,the leather chair and the gay porn mags being in here before". 'THats because you are sitting in my side' said the priest.

and says to the barman: "Can I get a large aperitif?"

Barman looks at her and goes: "I seriously doubt it, love".

into a bar.
Barman - "why the long face ?"

...last Saturday...

My auntie bought me a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle. I don't really use it but it's the fort that counts...

guy walks into a bar, orders a pint, drinks it down in one, turns to drinkers on his left..."you lot are all cocksuckers", orders another a pint, drinks it down and turns to his right..."you lot are all motherfuckers", at which point a weedy little guy gets up and starts to change places, "what's the matter with you ?", shouts the tough guy.
"I think i'm in the wrong place".

and says "Give me a pint and a quadruple brandy!". The barman gets the drinks and straight away the man downs them, crash, in one. "Blimey" says the barman, "you OK?" "Oh," says the man, "you'd drink like that too, if you had what I've got." "And what's that?" says the barman. "35 pence" says the man.

Very, very carefully.

There was an aeroplane outside my bedroom. Someone had left the landing light on again.

Where my buccaneers?

Under your buccan hat

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"

says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

"with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f... would they want with a plasterer??!"

'Are youse snakes alright in the back?'

Barman says 'Don't you start anything...'

and the barman yells "Oi! I'm not serving you, you're Bard!"

My sister has hayfever - and now it turns out she has diabetes.

So, I tried to cheer her up - you know, flowers, chocolates...

(Milton Jones.)

runs from the dining room and shouts

"Mummy, mummy I hate dad's guts!"

"Then leave them by the side of your plate."

And the doctor is stumped.

"Well Mr Johnson, I must say I'm baffled. Do any other members of your family suffer from yellow discolouration of the penis?"

"No doctor, none of them have ever mentioned it or had the same problem"

"Well is it your work? Do you handle hazardous chemicals?"

"No doctor, never worked with chemicals and not even working at the moment. I was laid off from my office job last year"

"Really? What do you do with your time these days?"

"Well mostly I just sit around watching porn films and eating Quavers"

It looks pretty good. I've seen the trailers

... walks up to the librarian and says "Bkk!" so the librarian gives the chicken a book.

The chicken goes to the library the next day, walks up to the librarian and says "Bkk! Bkk!" so the librarian gives the chicken two books.

The chicken goes to the library the day after, too, walks up to the librarian and says "Bkk! Bkk! Bkk!" so the librarian gives the chicken three books.

Intrigued by the chicken, the librarian decides to follow him. She follows the chicken through the town centre to the park and there, at the edge of the lake, she sees the chicken handing books to a frog.

The frog looks at each book in turn before tossing it aside and saying "Reddit! Reddit!"

Mummy mummy! I've just tried to pick up a bee and it stung my hand. Can I put it in cider?

"Why do you want to do that?"

Well I heard my big sister say that when she has a prick in her hand she likes to put it in cider.

I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other evening...

There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.

As we lay there, making love, I thought to myself:

''These Tasers are well worth the money...''

One Is French and called un deux trois.

The other is English and called one, two, three.

Who won the race?

One, two, three. Because... Un, deux, trios, quatre, cinq!

One says "I think I just lost an electron"
The other says "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered just went on and on.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of
very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone
for me..'

I visited the offices of the animal welfare centre today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there..

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me
how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?'
I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering,
exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing
special, sir. We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die.'

with serious problem down below - itchy, inflamed, oozing pus, really revolting

Doctor asks him if he's been traveling lately, the guy says yeah he's an airline pilot.

Then doctor asks him what music he listens to during the flight, guy tells him he's been listening to a lot of Van Morrison lately

"Hmmm" says the doctor "I think you've probably got a bad dose of Van Aerial Disease"

One says "That's the one I'd get"

A cyclops comes out and hits him.

And gets told off by the vicar.

You can't beat a wank.

Because they'd look silly with six inches.

"What a load of bollocks"

Police have been looking into it.

but it's worth it.

The world renowned expert on wasps, their habitat and the sound they make was passing a second hand record shop and on display, in the window, was an old vinyl record entitled ‘The World’s Wasps And The Sound They Make’.
Intrigued he went inside and enquired about the record. The record shop owner asked if he would like to hear a track off the record. ‘Certainly’ said the Prof.
The shop owner put on track 1.
The Prof. listened to the track intently and shook his head, ’I am sorry but I don’t recognise any of those wasps at all.
So the shop owner played him track 2, and 3, and 4, and 5.
Always with the same answer’ I just don’t recognise any of these wasps.’

The record shop owner took the disc of the turntable and exclaimed ‘ Ah!, that explains it, why you didn’t recognise any of them. I was playing the bee side.’

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”

I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use
the spoon.”

'Have you got cotton-wool balls'?

'What do you think I am, a f....ing Teddy-Bear?'

carrying an extra large condom.

He says, 'A pound your fillet'

The fishmonger replies 'A pound I don't!'

Meets Another man at the top

'are you skiing down'

'no im a tobboganist'

'oh, can I have 20 benson and hedges then please'

A woman requires some oddjobs done around the house so he gets the local paper and calls a man advertising himself as a handyman.
She asks "Can you do carpentry?"
"No"
"Can you do plumbing?"
"No"
"Electrical?"
"No, to tell you the truth I can't do anything much."
Somewhat surprised the woman asked, "Well what makes you so handy then?"
The handyman replied, "I only live around the corner"

Two men walk into a pub.
‘Pint please barman’, says the first man, ‘and my mate Donkey here will have a pint too’.
‘Certainly sir’, says the barman.
The two men drink the pints.
‘Another pint please’, says the first man, wiping his mouth, ‘and my mate Donkey here will have another one too’.
‘Right you are’, said the barman.
The two men drink these too.
‘Another please’, says the first man, ‘and my mate Donkey will have another too’.
‘Fine’, says the barman.
So they finish these as well.
‘Give us another’, says the first man, ‘and my mate Donkey will have another too. Oh, and where are the toilets?’
‘Down there’, said the barman, pointing.
The first man goes to the gents and, while he’s gone, the barman leans in to the second guy.
‘Excuse me for asking’, he says, ‘but I couldn’t help noticing that your mate keeps calling you ‘Donkey’’.
‘That’s right’, says the man.
‘Why’s that then?’ asks the barman.
The second man looks up.
‘Well’, he says, ‘ee yore, ee yore, ee yore ee yoreways calls me that’.

gets caught in the crossfire between police and robbers and takes three bullets but eventually recovers and gives birth to triplets, two girls and a boy. About 16 years later with all the family at home, daughter no 1 comes into the kitchen in tears, having peed out a bullet. Mum sits her down and explains, a little later daughter no 2 - again in tears - having peed out a bullet, mum does the same and explains. Much later, the son comes into the kitchen in floods of tears, inconsolable. "What on earth is the matter ?" asks mum.
"Well, I was having a quick wank and I shot the dog".

are looking for a mime artist in relation to a serious assault on a woman in town earlier.

Apparently he performed unspeakable acts on her.

Unbereavable.

Coz they don't know the words

with a cucumber coming out of his right ear and carrot sticking out of his left one, and a banana protruding from his nose. " What´s wrong with me ?" he asks .
" Simple",said the doctor, " you´re not eating properly "

"Doctor, I have a strawberry growing on my head"

"You'll need some cream for that"

“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got really bad constipation…”
“Hmmm… What have you been eating recently?”
“Well, on Monday I ate two red snooker balls and a blue one
On Tuesday, I ate two more reds and a black
On Wednesday, I ate a blue and a pink
On Thursday, I ate three reds and today I ate the brown”

“Hmmm… I think I know what the problem is... You need to eat more greens”

A boy sprout.

6 out of seven dwarves aren't happy

and an old lady asked if I wouldn't mind checking her balance, so I pushed her over

It's not big and it's not clever

Your mother.

And asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

I'm here all week.

... one Winters morning and noticed all the cows in the field had frozen solid.

Then out of nowhere an old lady appeared over the hill, walked up to each and every cow and patted them. As she did so, the cows slowly started to come to life.

"Who was that?!" asked the farmer.

"I'm not sure..." said his wife, "... but I think it was Thora Hird."

fsh

no eyed-deer.

still no-eyed deer.

Warren...

Doug...

I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse

"Howzat?"

"Don't you start!"

"Ouch!"

It was an iron bar.

jumps out of a tree on to you?

A billiard table.

crossed the Alps in Sunglasses?

Nothing - he didn't recognise them.

I entered a strawberry picking contest last Saturday. Got beaten by a girl with no legs...jammy c**t!

Hear about the dyslexic Irish pimp who bought a warehouse?

...if you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Walks into a bra...

... armed with a gnu

I suffered from terrible Whipsnade for months.

He sold his soul to Santa.

"I think I'm going deaf"
"what are the symptoms ?"
"they're that yellow cartoon family on TV"

Poker face.

Billy Idle.

...you get your job back, your wife back, your dog back etc.

...I was working in Burger King and that Andrew Lloyd webber came in and said 'Give me two Whoppers'

I said 'Sure: you look great and your musicals are brilliant.'

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wassaaaaaaaa...bee

Q: What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.
Buddhist - Hey, where's my change?
Vendor - Change must come from within.

Have you heard about the delays to that new movie "Constipation"?

I'm not sure it's ever going to come out.

...I see they're making a movie about the life of recently-departed Eddie Stobart. It looks pretty good. I've seen the trailer.

and there aren't any more jokes left on the planet.

Is this thread what it's like at a Ken Dodd gig?

A Fish.

I went to an awful zoo the other day. The enclosures were massive and overgrown. I only saw one tiny dog all day. It was a Shih Tzu.

(Harry Hill)

Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces..

..were lying in bed. The chicken was smiling and smoking a cigarette and the egg was sitting there, looking none too pleased. The egg muttered: "Well, I guess we answered that question "

...walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm and wakes his wife up. "This is the pig I shag when you're not about" he says.

"I think you'll find that's a goat" his wife replies.

"I think you'll find I was talking to the goat"

Boom boom?

Suggs coming up your driveway

...I got a job as Prince Philip's hairdresser. First day on the job, I drove up to the gates at Buckingham Palace and said to the policeman on duty, 'I'm here to do the Duke of Edinburgh's hair, can you let me in to the car park, please?'

He said, 'Have you got a permit?'

I said, 'No, I'm just taking a bit off the back.'

Cheryl Cole goes to the hairdressers.

"Alreet, pet. Worral ye want the day, leek?"

"A think a'll have a perm, please."

"Alreet. A wandered lurnley as a clood wot flurts on hay uur hill an' vale.."

...until it folded.

...I went in to this record shop and said to the bloke behind the counter, 'What have you got by The Doors?'

He said, 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket.'

...I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The man said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

And swings through the trees?
Tarzan in a boiler suit.

And swings through the trees?
A meringue utang

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

"Can I have an Overcooked egg, burnt bacon, dried sausage, cold beans and a cup of weak tea, please?"

The woman behind the counter said,"Sorry Sir, we don't sell that meal here"

I replied, "Well you did last time I came in!"

(Surely everyone knows this one?)

How many double glazing salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well I'll just take my calculator out and I think you might be very pleasantly surprised...

does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

...until some rotten c**t split on me.

A carrot.

...the Glaswegian who found a trumpet growing in his garden?

He had to root it oot.

..."Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!'

The doctor says, 'Look, I'm just an ordinary GP. But I know a great clinical psychologist, so you'll be alright there.'

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

are riding across the desert. It's hot and dusty and they both feel a powerful thirst. On and on they ride, the thirst getting stronger.
"I sure hope we get to town soon. My canteen's nearly empty and I sure could use a beer." says The Lone Ranger.
"Yes Kimusabe." says Tonto. "I too have a great thirst upon me."

They ride on.

Eventually, they reach a town and there, on the main street is a saloon.
They tend to their horses, making sure they are fed and watered for the next day's ride and head for the saloon.
The Lone Ranger strides up to the bar and says "Hey, bartender. Two beers and two shots of redeye, if you please sir."
The bartender replies: "Sure, I can serve -you- a beer and a shot of redeye mister, but we don't serve injuns in this saloon."

"But this is Tonto, my faithful Indian companion who has saved my life on numerous occasions." replied the masked man.

"Well I sure am sorry about that, but we don't serve injuns. Rule of the house, sir."

"Well, sir, in that case I'm obliged to take my custom elsewhere."

"This is the only saloon in town." says Tonto, quietly to The Lone Ranger. "And the next town is a day's ride on down the trail."
"It's okay Kimusabe, I can do without a beer and a shot of redeye. It won't be the first time this has happened. I don't mind." said Tonto, selflessly.
"Are you sure? I sure do have a powerful thirst."

"Go ahead, Kimusabe." said Tonto "I'll get myself a drink of water from the pump by the livery stable and wait outside for you. You won't be long will you?"

"Thank you my faithful friend. I'll just have a couple and be straight back out again Tonto. I promise."

Tonto leaves and the masked man gratefully sinks his first beer and follows it with a shot. He feels great and orders another. Forgetting his promise to his Indian friend, he has another and another, enjoying the jangling of the piano and ogling the dancing girls.

Time passes. Quite a lot of time.

Tonto is waiting patiently outside and as the evening draws in, a chill comes to the air. He wraps his blanket around him but still Tonto begins to feel the cold and starts shivering. After a while he starts jogging up and down the street outside the saloon to keep warm.

Meanwhile, The Lone Ranger, oblivious to his faithful companion's lonely vigil, is having a whale of a time. He's chatting-up a pretty blonde dancing girl, telling her of his exploits and drinking beer after beer.

A man walks into the bar, walks up to him and taps him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, sir. Are you The Lone Ranger?"

"Yes I am, pardner." he replies.

"Well sir, you've left your injun runnin' outside."

Now where did I hang that coat?

Guy at the door says "What have you come as?

A tortoise

Who's the girl on your back?

That's Michelle

How do you crucify a spastic?

ON A SWASTIKA!!

This was his opening line at a gig in Edinburgh a few years ago. Several of the audience took great exception to it (the show was billed as magic and comedy, so...) and JS proceeded to tear them to ribbons in the most personal manner, even continuing to berate them as they walked out of the main door in to the street.

The definition of perfect pitch:
You throw a set of bagpipes into a skip and they don't hit the sides.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

Did you hear about the heavy metal guitarist who locked his keys in the car? He had to break the window to let the drummer out.

Did you hear about the Irish expedition up Mount Everest?
They had to give up half way when they ran out of scaffolding.

...Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings and Walt disnae.

A naughty pig.

and orders a pint of lager.
'That'll be £10 please' says the barman.
The elephant drinks his pint and orders a second, handing over another 10 pound note.
'You know, I don't get many talking elephants in here' says the barman.
"At ten pounds a pint? I'm not surprised' replies Jumbo.

who decided to make his own cider?
Cut his feet to ribbons treading woodpeckers.

I was serving on an aircraft carrier, & women had just started serving on ships.

I discovered a hole in the bulkhead (wall) between my sleeping quarters & the wrens showers.

I should have reported it & got it fixed, but I left it be.
thinking, fuck it, let them look.

Bronto Sore Arse.

Erotic is when one partner sets about the other partner with a feather.

Perverted is when he (or she) uses the whole chicken.

To change a lightbulb ?

Only one - BUT, the lightbulb must want to be changed.

.... The Islamic Fundamentalist pantomime?

Ali Baba & his 40 mates without any hands.

Hey MacLeod, Get Off of My Ewe

a Korean vegetarian snack - it's called Not Poodle.

A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one, I'll take a copy."

Wouldn't let a Dago by.

(Yes, I realise..etc. etc.)

... a cocktail at his favorite bar across the street from his surgery. Every evening at precisely 6:05 pm an almond daquiri would be waiting on the bar for him.

One evening the bartender, to his horror, realized he'd run out of almond extract. Looking for a suitable substitution he found a bottle of hickory extract and decided it was close enough.

That evening, right on time as usual, Dr. Jenkins walks up to the the bar, picks up his drink and takes a sip.

"Hey! This isn't an almond daquiri!" complains the doctor.

"No," replies the bartender, "it's a hickory daquiri, Doc."

There on the way out

I came home tonight and my wife was wearing my boxer shorts. Now if she comes home and I'm wearing HER underwear we need to have a "chat"

Came home on another night and found my best mate in bed with the Mrs. I looked at him and said: "Bloody Hell John, I have to - but you?"

It's a year two class. One day the teacher says "Ok boys and girls, today's letter is "c". Who can tell me a word starting with the letter "c"? Yes, Rachel?"

Little Rachel answers "cat".

"Very good Rachel, can you say the word in a sentence?"

"We have a pet cat, her name is Tibby."

"Very good. Anyone else? Yes, Jimmy?"

"Contagious."

"Goodness me, that is a long word, well done Jimmy. Can you use that word in a sentence?"

"Well, my Daddy was driving along with me and when we stopped at traffic lights we saw a man painting a big garden fence with a one inch brush. And my Daddy said "It'll take that cunt ages to do it like that."

who came up with this:

My neighbour suffers continually from concussion

Well, I say he's a neighbour. He's only a stones throw away.

He went over to his next-door neighbour's to gas himself.

Justin

and then it was too late

A hot cross bunny

Couldn't find any

The German pays.

(From the Financial Times 14/4/11)

My doctor said I was paranoid. Well he didn't actually say it but thats what the bastard was thinking.

I used to have a photgrapher friend who went crazy trying to get a close up shot of the horizon (Steven Wright)

I went downstairs to make a cup of tea in my pyjamas...I'll need to buy a teapot (Chic Murray)

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs? A currant

(sorry)

but here goes anyway:
"Doctor, doctor - I can't pronounce any words beginning with 'f' or 'th'!"
"Well - you can't say fairer than that then."

... on the village green. The little alien drags himself from the wreckage and decides he needs a drink. He walks into The Queen's Head and orders a pint.

"Sorry, mate" says the landlord, "we don't serve aliens in here."

"Oh, come on" says the alien, "I spent 4 light years getting here, I just crash landed and I'm dying for a pint."

"Sorry, mate."

"Look" says the alien, "what if I were to buy you a drink and a drink for everyone in the pub? That would make it worth your while, wouldn't it?"

The landlord thinks for a moment and then declares "The drinks are on the alien!" After sorting everyone out with a drink the landlord says to the alien "OK, that'll be $627.43."

The alien gets out his wallet, pulls out a strange looking extraterrestrial banknote and asks "Have you got change for a zob?"

To prevent Chernobyl fallout

What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and an Ofsted inspector?

Well a plastic surgeon tucks features...

a constipated owl?

One shoots but cannot hit..