TMFTL

At my school there was a lad who was called "Me mum cuts me 'air" because she did (Ronco hair trimmer anyone?).

Over time he became known simply as Mimum.

I moved to a new school and there was a lad who was nicknamed Knobhead.

This was consensual. He didn't seem to at all mind the nickname. It was clearly part of something that happened before I arrived at the school.

Beamish
Spud
Doc
Neb
Darkie
Hoss
Dealer
Mucker
Turdy

mine was Ted.

back in my day was to call someone "dormant". One particular chap invited this comment so often we ended up just calling him Dorm.

When I was a leader, we used to give nicknames to the kids:

Arnie had a Germanic surname a bit like Schwartzeneggar
A lad called Zimmerman was Bob, obviously.
Spoonsy - no idea why.
The Noble brothers were Big Nobby and Young Nobby. One of them's in British Sea Power now. Their dad (who I still bump into at BSP gigs) was Mr Nobby.
Others were given random blokey names (Ted, Harry, Fred) just because we thought they suited them.
Jobber Johnny is probably best left unexplained...

We also had Pilchard, Sam Eagle, Chomb, Foss, Smelly, Stub, Wakkers, Maggot, Bailey, Plonk, Haggis, Squibby, Lettuce, Matt The Chat, Smeak, Gazbo..

In fact the only lad known by his proper name was Matthew Davis, a lad so quiet, unassuming and harmless that his real name was almost a nickname.

... the other week, at the train station. To my shame, I couldn't bring to mind his actual name, only the nickname that was conferred upon him by the kids - namely, 'Dobbin'...

but I can't resist...

We had a chemistry teacher (who implausibly also ran the basketball club). I say implausibly because he was 'a person of restricted height', and was also cross-eyed.

His nickname: "Inch High Wobby Eye."

A chap who was in my year had the nickname "Bogie".

He had inherited this nickname - his older brother wore (briefly) a trenchcoat, in the manner of Humphrey Bogart. So, "Bogie", and younger brother became "Wee Bogie". After some years, the older brother decided that he no longer wanted to be known as Bogie. He was big enough to enforce this. His younger brother wasn't.

So, having never worn a trenchcoat, he sailed through school, and on to University, known to one and all as "Bogie".

Mama Belv- was originally Bomber Melv but a craze for Spoonerisms changed this.
Zygon - Was the school's best footballer and it's a bastardization of Zico.
Pho - can't remember
Cat-was a kid who after school always wore a T-shirt with Supercat on it,But not the 90s ragga star.
Piddle-was for a kid who peed himself when P.E teacher tried to get him to do a somersault on school trampoline.
Fetto - was an acronym but i can only remember the "F" stood for fat.
Tonk - has always been called Tonk,even by his mum,His real name was Tony.
Milky bar kid-for a Kid who thought he was Strong and Tough
The Monz-the school's uncoolest kid became "The Fonz" and his surname was Morgan.
Rabbi/Biccy Bum - was a connection to his parents love of saving money(obviously offensive but in our defense we were kids and it was the 70s) and the fact that he smelt of stale biscuits
Worm/Angus/Fly - Worm because he'd wriggle under a fence to get our football back. Angus 'cause he once tried to climb said fence and got hooked on it ,so he became Angus McCoatup. And Fly, which was short for Flyshit which rhymed with his surname.
Errol/Honey Monster - because of alleged sexual prowess (Ironic) and Honey Monster because he was spotted in a supermaret shouting "Mummy,I want Sugar Puffs" and he was 6 foot tall,went on to be a Police Inspector.
Eddie Cropper - a kid who was constanly "Coming a Cropper",falling out of windows,running into lamposts etc, A character on tv played by Arthur from on the Buses was called Eddie Cropper.Still known as "Cropper" this day,real mates call him Eddie.
Panda - no idea,but it fit him perfectly.

Iccy
Wakey
Jimbo
Eggy
Gillet
Bazza
Brownie
Murgy
Cozza
Pampers
A-B
AJ
Bogger
Yakko
Cliff
Choppy
Lucky
Oaky
Clodge

Me: Bullethead. I didn't like it then, I don't like it now. Thankfully I haven't been called it since 1983.

And among the girls (remember we're under 16 here):

Candy
Mandy
Triff
Pubes
T
Becky Big Tits (sorry)
Red Scarf
Funny laugh
Hell's Breath
Splatch
McFlee
Harry
Parry
Barebum Beetroot

... was 'Joe 45' because he sort-of looked like Joe 90.

there were two Chinese lads in our school. Some 'hilarious' wag nicknamed them Ninja and Tai Chi in year 7, and those names stuck. Depressingly, most of the school genuinely thought those were their real names, and only a handful of us bothered to learn their actual names.

We did have a Scout leader who had the greatest nickname I've ever heard conferred upon him: Montag. The rationale being that no-one likes Germans, no-one likes Mondays - and no-one liked him.

...is named David McNidder. At school in 70s Paisley, his nickname was 'nigger'. Ah, innocent times...

It was just names at my first school, then when I moved it was all surnames for people you didn't like and first names for friends. Occasional "-y" additions to surnames (Courtsy for Tim Courts etc). The exceptions:

- Timmy. NO idea where this came from. The kid was called James.
- Mophead
- Schmiere (a great one invented by our German teacher. It means hair pomade in German, but sounds so greasy and horrible, and thus appropriate for the kid in question)

The worst, and yet also best, was applied to a really nice Indian kid. He didn't get any racial slurs - it wasn't like that - and he was a popular kid, but he had a condition whereby his skin pigment was absent in small areas. The nickname? A Patchy Indian.

Lurch (striking similarity to the Adams' Butler)

Gurgle (terrible acne, the gurgle reference came from Jasper Carrot's 'comedy' cover of Mellow Yellow)

Roast (obscure)

Quarter to Three (so named because of his splayed feet)

Marine Life (aka Gary Baxter, whose eyes were considered to be too far apart)

..we also had the usual teacher nicknames, the most memorable of which was the history teacher, Mrs Dalgleish, who was known as 'There At The Time'. The story went that the reason she taught history was because she was so old that she'd been 'there at the time'. NB, she was probably in her early fifties.

Any nicknames used amongst ourselves were essentially insults and not all that clever.

Dick the Prick for anyone called Richard etc.

We did have two games teachers; a Mr Lawson and a Mr Donaldon.

Mr Lawson was a Yorkshireman and would, when explaining a rugby manouvere to us out on the pitch, preface any instruction with a drawn out 'Bayyyy-sically...' As in 'Bayyyysically you need to dig with your toes and push out of the maul...'

He was 'Basically' Lawson.

For reasons that have now left me Mr Donaldson rejoiced under the sobriquet of 'Ducky'. I don't know why. I presume it was an inane attempt to allude to Donald Duck.

Anyway the buzz in the changing rooms would run thus;

'Who's taking us for Rugby, Basically or Ducky?

I have no idea how it came about, but when I was at school we had a music teacher (a rather large woman) whose nickname was Cunty McFuck.

because he had two ugly sisters.

.... was known as Dolph DeVito !

nickname we had for one of our teachers involved a mister Harvey who had an Arthur Scargill style combover. This was back in the 80s. He became known as "Jim Harvey Wasbald", as in Lee Harvey Oswald. Classic!

All the kids at our school did was add a "y" to the end of your surname. Except if you were Smith. Then you were Smudge.

There were some weird and wonderful exceptions (surnames initialised to protect the guilty)...

Mr O'Neill - O'Level Chemistry. Tefal. Due to his enormously large and prominent forehead.

Dave S - Chaka. As in Chaka Khan. Because he used to scratch the desk with his compass making a similar noise to the into of "I Feel For You" (had to be there)

Paul C - Village. As in Idiot.

Neil T - Donkey. Because local legend had it that he once tossed an old bloke off in Donkey Woods for a fiver.

Mr Brown - A' Level History. Bronski. As in Bronski Beat. Had the unfortunate appearance of an aged Jimmy Somerville and the high pitched Glaswegian accent that went with it.

Teachers - we had:

Syph (Head)
Clap (Asst. Head)
Daddy (Junior School Head)
Bruno (Smoked a pipe)
Belly (Fat)
Dusty (Mr Rhodes)
Spook (Bald, spirit-like)
Debbie (Mr Reynolds)
Spiny Norman (Latin teacher. No idea where this came from [edit: I know it's a hedgehog in Monty Python. I have no idea why said hedgehog had any relevance to this teacher.)
Chuck (Mr Berry)
Pinhead (Small head)
Lung (Wheezy, James Masonesque voice)
Chocco (His name was E. Clare. Really.)
Donkey Dick (Use your imagination)

Pupils:

Very few, actually. Mainly -y suffixes. But I do recall:

Splodge (chubby lad)
Sammy (real name Simon. He just preferred Sammy.)
Tinhead (surname Tinsley)
Whiffer (surname Smith)
Albie (initials ALB)
Maestro (he looked 'professorial')
Vinnie (Cartoon character - forget which cartoon (Deputy Dawg?) - a short sighted gopher?)

Me? I was Pongo. After the footballer (Google it, youngsters). Not for any other reason. Oh no. In later life, for equally obvious reasons, it became 'Eddie'.

Even the teachers called me that at secondary school.

In common with others, most nicknames at our school were just an added "y" but there were some exceptions;
Trout
Peanut
Fat Max
Snotty
Nelly
Masher
Trampus
Klaatu

Not many for the teachers other than
Trog
Tithead
Spaz-eye (oh those un-pc 70's)
Snuuurd

I can remember a few..

Mr Curtiss - Wally. Not sure why. He was a nice bloke.
Mr Green - Ernie
Mr Roderick - Batman. He was a sports master. He ran in an exaggerated fashion.
Mr Tremayne - Shagger. The deputy head. He had a fearsome eye for the ladies. He was trying to chat up Mrs Edwards, the head of chemistry so her son shot him up the arse with an air pistol and told him to bugger off.

for the the kids, but the best teacher nicknames at our school were:

Womble: Mr Hinchcliffe, the Geography teacher, who was small and hairy, but malevolent with a tidying and litter obsession

Twizzle : Mr Armstrong, also Geogrpahy; he was really tall and gangly and had a flyway combover

Timothy Claypole/Sloppy Shit/Sloppy: Mr Nicholson, who taught Computer Studies and Maths. For some reason the words "sloppy shit" got hung on him somewhere by one of my mates and this got shortened. He was the spit of the Rentaghost caperer, however.

Dr Snuggles - Mr Leonard, who taught woodwork and metalwork

The Battleaxe - Ms Porter: history

WillyWatcherWhittaker - games teacher. Nuff said.

Ronnie - Mt Atkinson, the English teacher who would regale people with stories about his days in the RAF and Malaya. His actual first name was Ray.

Friar Robbo - English teacher Mr Robson with monk-like tonsure

Mr Mellor the Frog-eyed Fella, sometimes just Zombie Mellor

Best of all was or Mt Geldard, yet another geography teacher, who was sometimes called Uncle Clive (because he looked a bit like Clive Sinclair) on a good day, or on a bad one: Billy J Baboon Arse. I have no idea why.

I remember:-

My mate Dave had a bit of an acne problem so was called Mouldy Merv and/or Spotty potty.
We also had:
Laser Beam
Joe 90
The milky bar kid
Dick Barton always fartin
One of the girls was called half peach
I was known as Twinkle (due to my sparkly eyes apparently).

Since I left school I have been known as Tufty because of my penchant for storing things on my desk ie. anyone looking for a stapler, calculator,Lloyds loading list, Customs tarriff would always search my desk first. As a continuation of this I was known to have something of a quick temper so one office I worked in designed a model squirrel called tufty which they affixed to a large plant we had in the office. Depending on my temper they would put the squirrel bat the top of the plant and pronounce 'Tufty is off his tree again'

Coz of my curly hair.

How nicknames age eh? Dave Prentice was obviously known as Reg.