"So I said 'No worries Bob, we know all your stuff...'"
Or is that already in it?

"We were so far gone, it wasn't until the following afternoon that Keith and myself realised we had snorted over three packets of caster sugar from the previous night. It explained why wasps seemed to be following us everywhere we went"

"I lost most of the cash from the exhibition of my paintings in a drunken bet with Jimmy White. I spent the next 6 months waiting for Mick and Keith to kiss and make-up so we could get back out on the road. Still - it was almost worth it just to see the face on the missus when I told her that we were skint again and she was going to have to send back the swimming pool..."

The lowest point on the last tour for me was when we hit Boise, Idaho.
Due to some anti-Irish senatorial push, Guiness had been banned for the last 40 years.
I had to make do with a generic American Stout that was so foul, it made my Methadone days pale by comparison.

At one point I had no change to buy some fags. Asked Mick and he asked me to sign a fucking IOU!

Me and Keith were so fucking bored on that week off. We just sat around on the beach- Keith listening to some early Pete Tosh on the old portable Bush whilst I drew a sunset in pink and green with my new set of crayons.
But even artists need a break man so, one morning, I brought down this Mitre football I'd borrowed from Rod's and we started having a kickabout like me and the boys had done all those years back on the Pops. Keith was in goal, fag in mouth, and I was six nil up when I booted the ball so hard it ended up right in the top of this sodding huge palm tree! Shit, I knew what a short fuse Rod had when it came to his beloved imported Mitres ( and how he counted them all every weekend ), so I said 'Keith man...we just have to get it back. Rod will do his fuckin nut!'
So Keith stepped up. He ground his Marlboro Light in the sand, looked up, patted me on the shoulder and winked.
'Don't get so uptight baby', he said. 'I'll get it'

Of course, the worst thing about being sober was that I found out what my paintings looked like to other people.

One liners, please.

"Don't worry Ron, he's nothing without us".

"So Rod spots the football where I'd hidden all me blow, picks it up, bounces it, and punts it into the crowd. Got a big cheer, too."

If I hadn't written the Nokia ring tone.

..when they appointed Keith as my carer.

...oh sorry I meant Teamsters.

..but that's enough about Bobby Womack and Bernard Fowler.

..until we realized that Rod's shit at guitar and I can't hold a tune.

Mick loved the number I'd written for the Stones new album, but generously suggested I save it for my solo project.

Luckily, I was born with an enormous nose.

Gallagher senior admitted to me that he didn't rate himself as a guitarist, I nodded in agreement and recommended he should go for a few singing lessons too.

that Catherine Deneuve would have a full size snooker table in her basement?

...Keef knew a dealer who was collecting Embassy Coupons

I met someone who bumped into Ronnie in a bar in the West Indies and shared a few frames of snooker with him. After a few rounds and a few games and few tales of happy-go-lucky rock n' roll excess, said chum turned to Ronnie and said enviously "Really, you're a bit of a c**t, aren't you?". "Yeah" reflected Ronnie happily, chalking his cue, "I suppose I am!". Diamond geezer - look it up in the dictionary. Anyway, back to the one liners - "...and then I said, I'll play slide Slash, after all, who'll be watching, it's New Year's Eve..."

I totally understand. They're both twats.

..and in a way, I think the world is glad that they're there.

I formed another group called Jefferson Aeroplane.

..we should have realised, that the time wasn't right for a totally stew based menu.

God knows I never would have made it as a musician.

....On my Sixtieth birthday to find that I was actually left handed.

I remembered my name.

If I wasn't still in the Stones, I imagine I'd have lost my mind by now, and would be spending my days dribbling in an expensive care home,somewhere in the Scottish Highlands.

if you ask me has it all been worth it?..I'll answer "Only if you're having one"

..they don't realise that my head is actually shaped like that.

...For the first few years I was still playing Faces' riffs to Stones' songs in concert. Nobody noticed until Rod came to a show one night and said he was going to start charging us...

And the Stones were playing in London. Backstage after the gig, this guy kep bugging me and I couldn't rid of him. I assumed he was just some hanger on that desperately wanted to appear cool by pretending he belonged with us. I assumed he'd been around before 'cause he looked kind of familiar. It wasn't until I saw him on the news a few nights later I realised it was Tony Blair.

so i turned to Van and said, 'You're a right laugh mate'

'I had to wait over three hours - and smoked about 60 fags - before everyone's limos had left and I could get a lift home in Mo's Ford Anglia. "I've got one of your paintings in my boot," she said.'

...and he's only come back an hour later, a knife between his teeth, a pink flamingo hidden under his jacket, its little legs dangling down underneath. Only been able to use blue rizlas since.

... when he comes down to breakfast the next day after I'd got hold of his KY, squeezed out the contents, mixed in a gram of coke, and refilled the tube with one of Keith's syringes.

So when they asked me to record the new station announcements for the Underground, I said "give me a mike, a fag, and a pint and I'm your man!"

So I said to the Pope, 'it's in G, just bash it out.'

When, amidst all the carousing, Bono reminded us that Kofi's office wasn't really a club.

...it was around this time that Damien Hirst started referring to me as the Rolf Harris of rock...

Being in town and mid-tour at the same time, The Faces and the Stones, plus respective crews and management, decided on a bit of a night out. Sometime around 4am, Mick went up to the barman and pulled out a Platinum card to settle the rather large drinks and, ahem "extras" bill. Rod was over in a flash and pushed his way between Mick and the barman: "No, no, Mick, absolutely no way. We couldn't let you stump up for all this. Here, let me..."

ere, keith have you seen the way them locals shimmy up those coconut trees?

And Norman Rockwell turned round and said. 'You've got talent, son. Keep it up.'
Brian Sewell was gutted; though not literally, sadly

was the Yes audition.

by Bruce Springsteen, I told him how much I'd loved "Jessie's Girl" but the geezer just ignored me, I think he thought I was Mick.

The next morning I said to Rod "You'll ‘aff to change the title mate - it's "Maggie Will".

I said 'Bend over let's 'ave a butchers.'