or you will end up doing stupid things like trying to see if you can get the word Dalek trending on Twitter like I have just done :-))

Given that every other tweet at the moment is about the iPad how come that isn't trending at all?

I adore red wine. My recommendation would be go quality rather than quantity. May I recommend, for your first real red wine treat, a Spanish number called Faustino 1. Its about £17 a bottle, but it is the fucking dogs bollocks, as Oz Clarke might say.

of a lifetime's pleasure and learning. I'm not an expert at all but I love discovering new varieties, regions and marques.

Currently, my favourites are New Zealand reds. Mainly Pinot Noirs. A little on the pricey side but excellent. Around £8-10 you can pick up an Argentinian Malbec - which is uniformly good.

If you have an Oddbins or Majestic near you - they are a good source of un-snobby unstuffy info.

Here's a webpage to whet your appetite
http://bit.ly/cLjPrQ

A good glass of red wine is - to quote Keats "like a beaker full of the warm south"

It must be punished.

Try a Carmenere. Just had half a bottle tonight, fiver from Majestic. Full bodied, fruity, goes down very well.

If you fancy something extra special, look out for Amarone, or Barolo. Twenty quid a bottle, but for a one-off treat, you won't be disappointed.

is a very good place. If your at a supermarket, try and make it Waitrose - they carry very little crap wine. Try and equate the price you pay for a bottle to the cost of 6 beers - if you buy in the right place and try to spend at least 8 quid you'll rarely be let down.

Also recommend getting some proper glasses - slightly egg-shaped tapering to the top. Big ones for Burgundy. A size down for Bordeaux. Further down the line - a decanter is an excellent purchase.

The Merlot wasn't in the fridge.

All part of the growing out process - assuming that the massive, like me, are getting into that stage in life where the only growth up you have is as your scalp grows through your hair...

Suddenly dark chocolate will find it's way into the shopping trolley next to a nice little Malbec (worth a try if you liked the Merlot).

It'll blue cheese next, mark my words...

And, as far as I'm concerned, the sun shines best on the southern end of the Rhône valley.

Côtes Du Rhône is a good starter. Not too pricey, tastes nice, especially the stuff from the last couple of years. Tesco have some fabulous Rhônes and are normally pretty cheap. Look for Vacqueyras - always good value.

Anyone looking to invest in some top-end Bordeaux from the 2009 vintage which already seems to have the wine scribblers milming their kecks?

is always a good bet

...have used their skill and experience over many years of winemaking to produce and relaunch their premium Oiseau de Tonnere brand. This cordial will revive and refresh even the most tired of palates and is best enjoyed al fresco amongst friends served en papilotte. Simply exquisite. What are ye looking at?

With my experience of wine I would say that you've probably got a new world Merlot, extend your boundaries slowly, try a Cab Sauv/Merlot blend from the same country or region. Merlot has got fairly low acidity, for something a bit more full on try a Cab Sauv/Shiraz blend. A whole new world (and a rather expensive one) awaits!

This is a good place to start. Very readable and a decent guide.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Wines-World-Eyewitness-Companions-Dk/dp/14053153...

does it get ye pished?

My favourite tipple is French Gigondas. Heavy, tasty, mmm, delicious.

Any French Domaine wine will be good quality. That's the best thing about the French system - it is a reliable standard. It makes me laugh in Waitrose when you see new world vino at 6+ quid and Cote de Rhone from the domaine 2 quid cheaper (yesterday in fact) when the C de R will be a much better wine. That's not to say the new world stuff isn't good, it you can find one which isn't full of sugary and/or 14% proof. But the French stuff, having tested it very thoroughly, is reliable.

Equally hilarious is restaurants charging 15 quid for "Vin de Pays" - can be quite drinkable but they probably paid 50p a litre for it from the manufacturer. Avoid on grounds of piss taking.

.....the movie Sideways. Superb film and wine is the main ingredient. Merlot is strictly off limits though.

I'd suggest going to Sainsburys, looking for a nice Chianti from Italy or a Spanish Rioja (lighter red wine, not so heavy.) Don't go below £5. Best thing is to pick a bottle that is on offer, reduced from £9.99 down to around the 5 or 6 quid mark.

Also try one of the Wolf Blass reds, from Australia, bit more expensive but very nice wine. I'd recommend either the red or yellow labels. Both about £7-9 but often on offer in Sainsburys.

If mephedrone was kept legal there'd be people on here talking about the best kind, how to detect it through smell and it's varying effects.

Its a drug, it mostly smells and tastes identical and its made to make you drunk. The soil of the Loire valley has no more effect on the product then the room the Crack was made in.

Drink red stuff. Fall over. Have hangover.

As pointed out by the very great Willy Rushton in Superpig, there are only 2 types of wine, the ones you want to swallow and the ones you want to spit out. As mentioned above, I'd say keep it as premium as you can, try all the styles, and drink your way round the world. What fun. How about a wine tasting party and invite everyone to bring a different bottle, then start working your way round the table.

I prefer the heavier ones, like Shiraz/Syrrah, Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot, and blends thereof, but to each his/her own. You might find you like stuff such as the Pinot Noirs and Grenache styles. Or even chilled sparkling Shiraz.

Of the Aussies, I'm less thrilled about Wolf Blass - Penfolds is the most consistent and brilliant big name Aussie I know of. Any one of the Bin nnn lines is usually worth a crack, and they go from reasonable to v.expensive.

So you've still got scope try the French (and all their regions), Spanish (some great Rioja), Italian (love Barolo too), Californian, Australian ('specially the South Australian stuff) and South America (I have tried much less of that). NZ do some great whites, and I think they're better at the lighter reds which are less to my taste.

and I can say that with some authority as I'm paid to write about it.

Even after four years of wine tastings, my poor spittoon technique marks me out as a rank amateur. While the experts emit a dense pellet of liquid which flies soundlessly down the hole in the centre of the funnel, the best I can do is a splattery 'ptchoo' with traces of breakfast and gum disease.

I think we pay for too much attention to experts when it comes to wine, and follow their advice rather than our own taste (Huh! Imagine if we did that with music.) I find Australian reds have a nasty vanilla gakkiness about them, but they're the UK's top sellers, and the No1 Rose, a Californian White Grenache, reminds me of that pink swill you get at the dentist. So what do I know?

My advice, for what it's worth:

£7 is the new £5. Duty rises and production costs have seen to that. If you find yourself tempted by a three-for-£10 offer, buy beer instead.

Avoid big brands. They won't let you down but they won't surprise you either. And someone has to pay for all those TV ads.

Good cuisine, good wine. Just a personal theory, this. The French and Italians know how to cook so I reckon they understand the pallette. South Americans can grow a cow so I'll trust them with a grape. Australia and South Africa are hardly internationally renowned. USA, everything's got cheese in it.

Match food and wine. Think about what goes with the meal - it does make a difference. How often do we order the wine before looking at the menu? At home, don't just open what your guests bring. And don't eat dry roasted bleeding peanuts with any bottle worth over £3.

.....is also essential for me. Nice to have a cold pint with your poppadums but when the main meal arrives you cant be red wine. Again I usually go for Chianti.

I can go with the avoiding big brands comments. I do know which ones I will go for but waiting for the expensive wines to go on offer in the supermarket is a good way to go, and thats usually with brands i'm not aware of. Maybe its the wrong way to go but if a £10-12 wine is reduced down to £5-7, I think it's going to be a nice wine and worth the risk. Rarely failed when following that policy.

£7 is the max i'd want to spend. Never gone for the 3 for £10 deal. Might be tempted with white wine where i'm not quite so fussy. But with Red thats a no-no. Cheap red wine tastes awful.