Entertainment For Lively Minds
REALLY crap films
Posted by Vincent on 8 January 2012 - 5:23pm.
I don't mean "I like it, you don't", nor "arty rubbish". I mean 20:20 bad ideas in prospect with a waste of talent pushed through by backers with a nose full of charlie and media entitlement testing the underlying assumptions behind "The Producers".
I'll start you off.
The Fat Slags
The sex lives of the potato men
and the pure bone-headed genius of "Who Dares Wins"
Massive?
- More from Vincent.
- Login or register to post comments
-
Sex Lives
When I saw it at the cinema (drunk), the only other patron was a bloke a few rows in front covertly, but unmistakably, pleasuring himself. I remember thinking he must have been pretty desperate.
edit
edit
Criteria for bad films
Always get a bit irked by this subject; I think the only fair criteria is to ask what the film-makers were trying to achieve and comparing it against that.
(Although I won't disagree with any of your suggestions above.)
I quite enjoy a lot of lurid, cheapo drive-in fodder and exploitation, some of which appear on bad film lists. Ed Wood Jr's films are always good fun, despite his general ineptitude.
The worst film I have ever seen is probably Manos: The Hands of Fate. Special mentions for The Creeping Terror and The Beast of Yucca Flats. Oh, and Girl on a Motorcycle.
Still haven't seen the Creeping Terror
although I've wanted to ever since I got a copy of the 'Golden Turkey Awards' in a charity shop.
As a fan of Mystery Science Theatre 3000
I have seen many of these films. Manos is truly horrific as is Red Zone Cuba. In fact any Coleman Francis written\directed\starring vehicle is pretty awful.
Also Hobgoblins , Soultaker, Terror From the Year 3000 and Time Chasers
Yeah
I saw Creeping Terror on a C4 late-night bad films series. I discovered The Beast of Yucca Flats and Manos: The Hands of Fate via MST3K (and got a chance to see Creeping Terror again).
Manos is truly terrible. I mean, made by people who had no idea how to make a film. It's not even inadvertently funny; just slack-jawed awful. The repeated scenes with the couple making out in the car defy logic.
wow
That Fat Slags film looks tragic. I love Fiona Allen,and Sophie Thompson is usually pretty good value for money, but... oh my goodness. There are quite a few other good reliable names in the cast too.
How could anybody think this was a good idea? I mean, actors have to act, so there is the temptation to take anything for the work -- but how did the writers/director/producers/investors think this could be anything but dreadful.
And talk about limiting your market... can you imagine how this would go over in America? Actually I would quite like to show it there to see the reaction.
Let them know it's not all Downton Abbey, if you knowarrimean...
Breaking Glass
Come on, it's TERRIBLE.
No doubt in my mind
Patronising, badly edited, unfunny, terribly acted and possibly downright evil:
"Probably the worst film I have ever seen" (Andrew Marr)
Spike Milligan writes of seeing this during the war
and towards the end of the film - when Gracie et al are marching towards the camera singing the title song - there was an air-raid, and people started legging it out of the cinema in a panic.
Milligan stayed in his seat crying with laughter while watching what appeared to be people running screaming away from a gigantic Gracie Fields.
I can understand
the appeal of George Formby. But Gracie Fields …
This is what we want
I enjoy grindhouse movies a lot - they often have a certain delinquent panache ("Street Trash" is a corker: ). But this sort of movie is recognisably exploitation, and things in that genre are often pretty knowing about what they are doing. To me a movie like the above (and "Breaking Glass" definitely makes the grade for crap crap) is defined by a failed understanding of the audience. Thus "Cheepnis" (as Frank Zappa would have it) is not in itself a sign of a bad movie.
(well done stick for actually seeing SLOTPM in the cinema: it was that or...?).
It's really hard...
...because so many films can so easily fall into the "so bad, it's enjoyable" category, like Troma stuff. I don't think I've ever seen a film quite as outright awful as "Surf Nazis Must Die", but then it was sort of meant to be awful, so it gets a bit of a pass. (Even so, it's still more awful than it strictly had to be, even by the standards of a film called "Surf Nazis Must Die".)
I think the prize - because we're not talking "divisive" here, are we? We're talking "unarguable" - has to go to the handful of "zany" spoofs that still get made every so often.
I'm talking everything from "Repossessed" (genuinely, dispiritingly, upsettingly shit) through to the mess of Wayansy dugong snot that is the "... Movie" franchise. I've not seen all of them, by any means, but I have seen "Scary Movie". I literally could not BELIEVE it got made.
Scary Movie...
If they'd called it Funny Movie, I would have sued.
My understanding
... is that a couple of the films you mention (which are truly awful by the way) were essentially nothing more than tax write offs.
Until a few years ago, the British film industry enjoyed some substantial tax breaks, which were eventually felt to have been abused to breaking point, with films of absolutely no artistic or cultural merit whatsoever being churned out simply to enable investors to write off some or all of the sums which they had committed.
If memory serves, "Sex Lives...." was basically regarded as the straw that broke the camel's back, so wanton was its dreadfulness, and helped to provoke the government into finally withdrawing the breaks four or five years ago.
Anyway, while I'm here, the worst film I have ever seen is Uwe Boll's House of the Dead. I'm on a phone here, so can't post the trailer, but suffice it to say that the film starts appallingly and then proceeds to get steadily worse for the next 90 mins. Well worth a watch, particularly for the atrocious montage sequence in which our "heroes" mow down wave after wave of zombies in slow motion to an I'll advised nu-metal soundtrack.
Speaking of which, the very aggressive music played over the titles also features the memorable, bellowed, couplet: "You found the exit. I f*cking locked it".
Uwe Boll's made many many bad films
And for my sins i've seen a few. In the name of the King is especially great for the mad casting of Burt Reynolds as a ye olde King.I've not seen this but recently he's made a film called 'Auschwitz' starring himself.
There's no way that can be good can it.
Anyway my personal 'worst film ever made' is the Harrison Ford clunker 'Random Hearts'. Lots of very talented people in front and behind the camera some how made the worlds dullest film.
More Uwe Boll
Now this has to be the worst film ever made...
Wow
Even if I have 50 more years there is still not enough time to answer all my questions regarding this one.
Clint Howard!
As Doctor Mangler!
Uwe Boll....
I actually liked one he made in 2009 called Rampage.
mainstream
Witless movies getting into the mainstream is core to the idea of a genuinely bad film. Lame 'pastiches' of what is already a pastiche definitely fits. Another time I made the mistake of seeing "Freddie Got Fingered", whiuch was recommended by a stoner pal, and I really should have known better. It should have been "Freddie got the Finger" (or "pull your finger out, Freddie"). I was angry to have wasted 40 minutes watching it. Learning point: stoner pals don't always make good movie recommendations.
House of the Dead trailer
Shit, but could be worse.
(any relation to )
Many thanks for posting that!
Much obliged.
A few more horrors:
Karate Dog - a film about a CGI dog that does karate. The dog is voiced by Chevy Chase. The quintessential Amazon customer review describes watching it as being "like pissing razor blades". It's a fair shout.
New Year's Eve - a recent atrocity. Follow up to the risible "Valentine's Day" by the same director. Everything about the film is bad. Obviously it's Ill conceived and badly executed, but there's a carelessness about it that I found quite unusual. The various stars are so poorly lit throughout that each of them looks ten years older than they actually are. The script makes no sense at all. The performers have the kind of dead behind the eyes, just get through it please god expressions usually reserved for the more exotic wing of the adult film industry. It's a horror show from start to finish, it cost a fortune to make and it makes Love Actually look like a masterpiece.
Sex and the City 2 - not actually seen it, but I gather that this irked its target demographic and offended everyone else. Even The fourth modern Batman film did less to harm it's franchise.
The Toy - Richard Pryor (black) is "bought" by a rich man (white) to be a "toy" for his young, bored son (also white). The film itself is entertaining, if dated, but the concept alone makes it a worthy addition to this list.
I'm sure I can think of some more. I love a bad movie, me. It's the mediocre ones I can't stand.
Bastards
They've totally ripped off Legz Akimbo.
That Who Dares Wins clip
was filmed at The Union Chapel, Islington, pop trivia fans.
Potato Men
I quite enjoyed the Sex Lives of thge Potato Men film. Not claiming its a great film or anything but I would rather watch that again than Forrest Gump.
Mind you I'd rather watch my legs being fed to crocodiles than watch Forrest Gump again so perhaps that's not a good yardstick.
God yes....
Forrest Gump was a horrible film. A wet dream for right wing America.
Didn't it beat Pulp Fiction to all the Oscars as well?
And The Shawshank Redemption!
Lordy...
Potato Men
Not high art and not brilliant, but by no means the car crash it was painted. I had a couple of couldn't breathe laugh moments, and some squirming watching between the fingers moments.
I like the director's explanation that it's all about the lie of sex you're sold by the lad mags. Actually, quite a lot of everyday sex is a bit rubbish really, just as the film says.
Hangover 2
MrsD had heard it was 'really good' and insisted we rented it. We watched it last night, or more to the point, she slept through all but the first 30 minutes and I spent most of it on the iPad with the headphones on. What I saw/ heard of it wa truly awful.
Little Man
I have talked about this film before, it is unutterably and unremittingly awful.
Revoltingly over-sexualised, crude, nasty, nasty, nasty.
Audiences
I saw the trailer for that in the US; the audience LOVED IT. It was embarrassing to be present.
Little Man
I love this film, but that's my taste in films I guess. I also really like Norbit, and Freddie Got Fingered made me laugh too.
Potato Men is worth it for Adrian Chiles alone.
Tommy
.
I liked 'Who Dares Wins'...
when I saw it at the cinema when it came out. Always a big fan of Lewis Collins, me.
It's a travesty
Martin Shaw gets to trade in the perm and the Colt 45 for a robe and a wig and the superb Mr Collins disappears completely from our screens. He was a ladies hairdresser and guitarist for overlooked Scouse pop pioneers The Mojos before he turned his sneer to acting you know. Tut.
There are mitigating circumstances for 'Who Dares Wins'.
Before filming was due to start, the makers lost their funding and the film only got made because Lord Hanson (of The Hanson Trust) stepped in with the money, albeit on condition that the film didn't reflect badly on the SAS, which compromised the story somewhat and was the reason why Lewis Collins' character was a 'renegade'.
Viva Knievel...
...highlight of the festive film offerings (and yes that really is Gene Kelly!).
The Avengers;
being the movie version of the TV show... unremittingly awful. Could have been fantastic, but I can only assume that given the large budget a lot of changes were made to appeal to the action movie crowd and thus removed any notion of intelligence or wit. As a result, it makes no sense, has holes in the plot you could easily drive a semi-trailer through and is as great a waste of talent, money and potential as you could expect to find. After a while, my main peasure was trying to work out the exact moment Sean Connery realised what a turkey he'd signed up for.
House of the Spirits
Loved the book, was put off by the uniformly bad reviews but the GLW and I saw the video on offer on the basis that it was a good story with a good cast and director so it couldn't be that bad....
It was worse... stupid casting Meryl Streep as a 13 year old girl, Jeremy Irons as the macho Latin American Patron... a truncated script that omits an entire generation of the family.
A great story mangled.
Out of more recent films
The Avengers (as mentioned above)
Catwoman
Battlefield Earth
Body of Evidence
Now a major motion picture
James Clavell's 'Taipan' was announced, but was never released. I haven't seen it, but I know someone who has a (legitimate) copy.
It must be really bad.
I remember there was a computer game tie-in...
Tai-Pan
...I'd always assumed that there had been a film or TV series, also.
Richard Burton as Trotsky
Can't remember the exact name of the film, early 70s I think. My god, it was bobbins. Never was an ice-pick so deserved.
When it comes to this category you pretty much can't go wrong with craggy Hollywood hams playing historical figures: see also Anotony Quinn as Ghengis Khan.
Genghis Khan
Would appear to be an ignominious role.
in which the Duke
plays the only person in history more right-wing than he is.
The Boat That Rocked
Dreadful.
Agreed
My dislike of this film is only beaten by Love Actually. A film I hated so much it broke down relations at Chez Kerr! The GLW loved it and I sat through it scowling.
Shrek 3 was as diabolical a film as I've ever seen. There should have been a public enquiry
Mind you you usually find any film born out of a TV comedy series is invariably bad, I.e. the two Steptoe films.
Porridge
Great film.
Exception proving the rule?
George And Mildred:The Movie
isn't that bad either. Yootha Joyce's last job.
I don't mind most sitcom spin-off movies...
... those two Steptoe films are great in their way. I do draw the line at 'Are You Being Served' however, which is dire...
This movie version of the theme is luscious though
The Likely Lads
excellent film - you can almost *smell* the 70s.
Terry Collier: Whaddaya think I'm doin', pickin' mushrooms?
Best line in the history of cinema. Maybe.
Your nickname isn't ...
... 'lug-less' by any chance? :-)
Terry fishing
"I'd offer you a beer, but I only have 6"
Bob to Thelma in the dress shop, speaking for all married men:
"I couldn't give a shit".
The Boat That Rocked trivia question
The daftest scene in a veritable (and literal) sea of daft scenes is when the Peel figure dives down into the sinking ship to rescue his already-ruined box of "underground" LPs.
In the end he gives up on this pointless exercise, forgets the waterlogged box and emerges triumphant with just a solitary album which he then waves aloft.
Can anybody remember what it was?
Yellow
Submarine?
Pshaw...
*raises eyebrows*
The film was set in 1966
The Yellow Submarine album was released January 1969.
Athough, having said that, the album I'm looking for was released in July 1967, so it was worth a punt.
I suggest he was joking... :-)
I was put off watching the film by
a) Who made it (as a man - impressed - as a film maker - somebody stop him) and
b) Comments on here about how just about every musical reference and chronology was inept.
So it COULD have been YS year notwithstanding...
Oh yeah
I got the joke (and thought I was replying in kind).
It was a terrible film, agreed. I saw it with my kids who are mid-20s. The scary thing is, they assumed it was some kind of accurate historical document.
Until I put them straight, that is.
Yet again I am indebted to m'learned friend for the correction.
A mere terminological inexactitude. No further questions :-)
The Rolling Stones?
A musical combo of some renown, m'lud. ;-)
Still waiting for someone to get the answer to the trivia question
above, btw.
The Incredible String Band
The 5000 Spirits Or The Layers Of The Onion?
My go: what, pray tell, is the connection twixt aforementioned fillum and Evelyn Waugh? Eh? Eh?
Well spotted sir!
As for your question. It's Tom Wisdom, innit?
He appeared in both TBTR and the Evelyn Waugh adaptation of Sword Of Honour.
Oooh.
I'd be rubbish on telly, me. Dunno. Maybe.
Actually I was thinking of the lad in it, Tom Sturridge. His dad is Charles Sturridge (director of Granada TVs Brideshead Revisited) and his mum is Phoebe Somethingorother who played Cordelia in Brideshead.
But I'll give you max points anyway. Cos I prefer you to the other contestants.
Phoebe Cates
Who later had a Hollywood career in which she displayed a commendable if somehwat unexpected disinclination to keep her clothes on. I was at an impressionable age and I am still after two decades suitably grateful for her considerate behaviour in pursuit of her Muse.
Not quite
Phoebe Nicholls played Cordelia and didn't (memorably) disrobe in Fast Times at Ridgemont High...
Blimey
You're right. Thats something I have had wrong for about 30 years.... ta
If we're doing terrible adaptations, there's only one:
God, for such a great actor, David Morrisey's been in some right STINKERS!
I haven't seen the film
but surely it couldn't have been worse than the book?
It's like a Comic Strip adaptation circa GLC
Nicolas Cage as Captain Bertorelli from 'Allo 'Allo as Corelli.
Waddamistakatomake-a!
Whatever you may think of the book
it took only one person to write it.
What's most depressing about an overblown film turkey is the mind-numbing number of people involved in producing a humungous steaming pile of do-do.
Two from the same genre
Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity - both utterly crap.
If those are
the worst two films you've ever seen, you're either an extremely discerning viewer, or haven't seen a lot of films.
The worst two films I've ever seen?
8 Mile
Scary Movie 2
(Note: I haven't seen Scary Movie 1.)
Vanilla Sky
Truly awful considering the amount of money spent on this atrocity. Yes - atrocity.
Two hours plus of utter nonsense resolved by "it was all a dream".
Never watched any Cameron Crowe directed film since then.
Yes!
I made a bad name for myself at my previous place of work by going on about how terrible this was.
I liked it
I honestly really enjoyed it - a great performance from Tom Cruise, something mildly sinister from Cameron Diaz, Cruz is excellent as (almost) always. I really liked the way Cameron Crowe had sprinkled cultural references throughout and the way he pulled together a fairly bewildering plot.
Then I saw the original, Abre Los Ojos (Open your eyes) which is even better and makes you feel Cruz was phoning it in when she repeated her role.
*Cough*
Spoilers!
Believe me...
...I'm doing you a favour spoiling the end of Vanilla Sky.
I only wish someone had saved me from its interminable torment thus.
The Fat Slags
I actually own a copy of the DVD, bought from Poundland on the grounds that it can't be that bad if it has Fiona Allen in it. It is that bad; very nearly as bad as The Boat That Rocked.
I didn't know the film existed
Looking at the trailer, I was quite impressed at the effort put into making their street look so disgraceful. But then the word FULCHESTER appears on screen - and the F at the beginning of the word falls to one side and dangles - making a comedy rusty-squeak noise. Oh dear.
My entry would be "The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant" which was inexplicably shown on mainstream TV here a few years ago. The head of a recently deceased homicidal maniac is stitched onto the body of a huge simpleton, not unlike Benny from Crossroads. There are circumstances that explain away why this had to be done, but I forget that detail.
The resulting mutant stumbles around, moaning, and strangles people. While he's strangling away, the homicidal head goes "ha ha ha!" and enjoys every minute, while the simpleton's head looks terrified and pleads "no no no!".
Wimbledon!
The worst film ever made. Boring, miscast, sub-Richard Curtis twee bollocks.
Although on a similar tennis theme, Match Point is beyond execrable.
Hardly surprising really
but "The Net" with Sandra Bullock, deserves special mention for its sheer awfulness, from the acting to the way that computers "work".
Fab trailer:
I *LOVE*....
...films about computers. See also "Hackers". Because, in the real world, the process of breaking into a server is always represented graphically as flying around a "city" of 3D-rendered buildings, the "doors" of which morph into a cross face saying "PERMISSION DENIED" when you guess the password wrong (because that's what hacking is: guessing passwords. You generally guess right on the third try, I find).
That's definitely, definitely how it works.
Although can you imagine how a realistic film about hacking would break down? A fourteen year old doing the following:
- sniggering/typing (5% of film running time),
- playing Warcraft (15%),
- eating (2%),
- shitting (3%),
- wanking (75%).
In films
the password guessing has to be against the clock with the fate of the world at stake, and with the correct guess 5 seconds from the end of the countdown.
... with the opposite summed up wonderfully by Mr Izzard:
No matter who it is
in films with computers, everyone types at 120 words per minute with 100% accuracy.
Doesn't get any more accurate than this
Two people, one keyboard, in perfect harmony. Try it with your loved one.
I.D.
It is bad. Really bad.
From the casting to the sort of dialogue a 16 year old drama student wouldn't dare trot out.
And as for the acting, well. Britain should be ashamed of itself, not for football hooliganism but for the fact that it spawns such dreadful films. (see also Green St and Football Factory)
Sean Pertwee is a shockingly bad actor that kept getting roles because of his last name and his mates. Stick to Masterchef voiceovers.
Oi! Leave it aaaaht!
"We are Shadwell. The Kennel is our place. Shadwell neva neva shall lose face!"
"One Gerry Edwards, there's only one Gerry Edwards..."
I.D. is a masterpiece compared to some of the Danny Dyer-fronted football hooligan dreck since then.
p.s. f**king love you, Gumbo.
Ah, the ineffable Mr Dyer
Of course, you are aware that he's pwopah nawty?
ID is a bit dodgy
but its no 'Green Street' with Frodo as a US student who falls in wiv a roight load of pilchard double yoking ner-do-wells n no mistake, chief
Mmmm
A right royal cockney barrel of monkeys, and no mistake about it not neither. I perceive you are a connoisseur (raises eyebrow, falls over)
Brideshead Revisited
I have to nominate Brideshead as I love the book and the TV series so much. Both were perfect. Then that unwatchable travest of a film came along. Aaagh!
Titanic
I only enjoyed the bit where Di Caprio dies at the end. That made me laugh. Everything else made me die a little inside.
Oh, and I've never seen "Dancer In The Dark" (Bjork as "Blind Woman on Death Row - The Musical". Or something) but what little I've read about it makes me want to include it anyway. Ever since staggering, bleary eyed, out into the street after enduring "Breaking The Waves", I've been convinced that Lars von Trier is having a very prolonged joke at the world's expense. And he's the only one who finds it funny.
Agree with
this, Titanic was utterly ludicrous; 3.5 hours missing the whole point of the tragedy & devoted to a ridiculous love story based on his ability of how to gob into the wind. A complete waste of a good cast.
Also, a while back I saw Clint Eastwood's adaptation of Midnight in the garden of good and evil. The book was quite brilliant, Clint clearly thought so as well though why he felt it necessary to include almost every little bit of the book into the film was quite beyond me. It was very dull.
Ti-frickin-tanic.
Terrible. So boring that I drank from little bottles of beer which I'd smuggled into my handbag, to keep from going stir crazy (I couldn't leave as I was there with my sister & other friends).
I kept laughing out loud when I shouldn't've.
The water was the best bit.
Billy Zane
is in Titanic.
Yup, the water was the best bit.
The Zanemeister - a mark of cinematic quality
I was waiting for his wig to float to the surface when the ship went down - maybe in the Director's Cut. Now that would be cinematic purgatory.
Michael Winner's Parting Shots (1998)
There is only one contender when it comes to the worst film I have ever seen. Michael Winner’s last film, Parting Shots, is so unbelievably bad it’s hilarious. I caught this on ITV1 a few months back and cannot recommend it highly enough. The plot concerns a terminally ill photographer who goes on a killing spree to avenge various individuals who have wronged him during his life. And who did Mr Winner chose to play his cancer-stricken, gun-toting leading man? Chris Rea!!! Yes, that’s right, Chris Rea, the ‘Bard of Teesside’, who clearly had no previous acting experience. Amongst those who fall victim to Rea’s vengeful hitman are Diana Rigg (in the role of the ex-wife), Bob Hoskins (corrupt businessman), Ben Kingsley (an obnoxious chef) and John Cleese (the bank manager). Completing a truly unbelievable cast, who should all be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, are Felicity Kendal as Rea’s love-interest, Tim Brooke Taylor, Joanna Lumley and good old Oliver Reed, playing the inept assassin Rea hires to finish him off before he succumbs to the big-C. There are too many moments of unintentional comedy to mention - terrible dialogue, grotesquely over-the-top characters, Rea’s acting, a soundtrack more suited to Last of the Summer Wine and a ridiculously predictable plot twist at the end. Sadly, it’s no longer available on DVD, you’ll just have to take my word for it.
All admirable suggestions...
but the winner is the 'Get Shorty' (a very decent cut of the Elmore Leonard novel) sequel, 'Be Cool'.
It is the film that keeps on taking. A steaming pile despite a number of decent actors involved and a sizeable hollywood budget. Inexcusable. This isn't even at the 'so crap, it's good!' end of the spectrum, it's just nothing - I really wish I could un-watch it.
Good call
Oh Jesus, that film was terrible.
Be Cool
Yep. Forgot about Be Cool. Cannot think of a single film I've ever seen that is quite as bad as that. Nothing going for it whatsoever.
Green Street and Green Street 2
German director's take on UK football hooliganism for an American audience. Starring a hobbit. Truly risible
'Inception'
I found this truly mind-numbingly tedious, confusing and confused. It also had the unfortunate effect of killing off my budding love interest in 'Juno' actress.
'Weather Man' is American indie's belief that shoe-gazing and mumbling convey profundity about the human condition.
'Boat that Rocked' was not only toe-curlingly dreadful, but also embarrassing in its fantasy depiction of the 'swinging '60s', but annoyed me at the wasted opportunity it represented.
At last, someone else who thought Inception was crap
It failed the BP Towers "Dad fell asleep (again)" test. Reminded me of The Matrix (I thought that was crap too)
Well sure, but...
...the thread's about genuinely, unremittingly, can't-believe-anyone-greenlit-it-much-less-released-it-much-less-watched-it stuff, though, isn't it?
For all I don't buy the hype about "Inception", it's a pretty well-executed film of its type: carefully written, not at all badly acted, nicely shot, reasonably involving. Sure, it's nowhere near as clever as it would like us to imagine it is, and sure, it drags a bit, but it's only actually bad compared to all its hyperbole. We're perfectly free to dislike it, but we can't really knock its competence.
This is a case of "you didn't particularly enjoy it" rather than a case of "WHO THE HELL BANKROLLED/WATCHED THIS?", isn't it? Compared to, say, "Honest", or "Green Street 2" (let alone "Surf Nazis Must Die") "Inception" is a good film. Hell, compared to the vast majority of cinema releases, it's a good film.
There does come a point at which pure subjectivity doesn't cut it, even if that point is only at the level of technical execution. Some films are just bad. Not bad art. Not overrated. Just BAD. As in, not a single redeeming feature, not a single imaginative shot, not a single flash of a decent performance. Objectively BAD.
"Inception" isn't. Neither is "Titanic".
Surf Nazis Must Die
But that's a Troma film and you know exactly what you're getting when you watch a Troma film; the result invariably matches one's expectations.
(Sadly the titles of Troma films are usually the best thing about them. Although I do quite like The Toxic Avenger.)
Yeah...
...Surf Nazis discussed above, which is the only reason I mention it. I quite like The Toxic Avenger too, but Surf Nazis is - if such a thing is possible - Troma phoning it in. Bad bad, rather than good bad.
Well, that's me told.
Thanks, Bob, for the ticking-off from the OP police.
It's all too damn easy to trot out what you define as 'bad' films, though I would contend that producers of Troma films, chop-suey Kung Fus and '70s UK 'comedies' are perfectly aware from the outset that they are releasing desperately poor movies.
'Inception' is a dreadful movie in that it fails on many levels - poor acting by 'stars'; confused and confusing plot; risibly shot scenes; all-pervading deadness. To my mind, it's the feeble attempt at profundity that renders it truly execrable.
It reminds me of the differences between the Scottish international football team and the English equivalent. We (the Scots) are shit, but we know we are; the English team are shit, but think they're world-beaters.
It's a discussion, not a ticking-off.
Chill. I just disagree, is all.
The Music Machine (1979)
British "answer" to Saturday Night Fever. Yes, I know.
I'd YouTube it but I like to be able to sleep at night.
John Gorman, Clark Peters and Micky "Withnail" Feast don't save it.
The Wicker Man remake
Truly the most laughable piece of cinema ever.
Features one normally reliable pointer to a piece of utter tosh:
Nicholas Cage (see also Captain Corelli, Windtalkers etc.)
There's a special place in hell for remakes
Get Carter
Psycho
The Omen
Steve Martin in Clouseau, Bilko, and Pennies From Heaven (someone ought to do a really crappy remake of The Jerk to teach that guy a lesson...)
How many posts…
and no one's mentioned Honest? Crikey, those All Saints girls sure could act, couldn't they?
"Still Crazy"
"Still Crap" more like: this utterly uninspired by-numbers film was the product of someone who had a passing interest in Rawk in the mid-70s but never took it that seriously or found out anything about it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Still_Crazy_%28film%29
Billy Connolly's character in particular is a laughable exercise in stereotyped roadie ("laughable" in the sense of "not remotely funny", of course).
Rourke.. !
A Prayer For The Dying starring Mickey Rourke and Alan Bates. Very poor.
Gothic
Ken Russell atrocity.
Walked out of the cinema after about 15 minutes.
Few years later it was on telly... "Surely it couldn't be quite as bad as I remember?.."
It was.. lasted five minutes.
Every time it's on telly I give it another chance... and last five minutes...
I look forward to doing it again..
Stinkers!
The films of Richard Curtis & Guy Ritchie-Awful
'Schindlers List' & 'Forrest gump'-Bloody awful
The Tall Guy
was pretty good. And I enjoyed Sherlock Holmes.
Four Weddings is ace, apart from the raining.
And - as I've confessed before - I like "Love Actually" despite its manifold glaring shortcomings. I just do.
And - sorry - but including Schindler's List in this thread is patently daft. As my mum used to say, "you're just tired and showing off now", Fuzzy. ;-)
As Dr Kermode says
'you think Schindlers List\Citizen kane etc is a bad film, come round to my house, I'll show you a bad film!'
Oh I love The Tall Guy
"Elephant!" the Elephant man musical is ace. The wrecking the room shag with Emma Thompsons fine bazzongas and Rowan Atkinson being an utter utter bastard
Two pop-picking masterpieces
Alex Cox's "Straight to Hell" or "Straight to Video" as it should have been called, starring the Pogues and Courtney Love. Yes, really.
Human Highway by Neil Young. Just toe-curlingly bad. And I'm a fan.
The Boys in Blue
Rubbish Cannon and Ball vehicle, actually ripping off an old Will Hay film. Some of the 70s TV spinoffs now seem camp, but this is just lousy, charmless and tacky.
Nude Nuns With Big Guns
Well, I thought it was going to be ironic in a Tarantino style.
It wasn't. It was just crap.
Love, Honour and Obey
Paid £1.50 to see it at the cinema. Felt cheated.
I love this film
All together now....'sleep like a baby, my little lady,,,,,,,,,,'
My Dad
My Dad to took me to a double feature in Romford in the 70's..The Thing With Two Heads starring Ray Milland and Godzilla vs The Smog Monster.. He still goes on about hoe poor they were.. I luved em..
Highlander 2
A proper number 2.
Particularly as the original said
"there can only be one".
This film
appears with alarming regularity in bad film lists. I must investigate.
The Story of F***
Takes a shot at the easy target of the corrupt music business
Misses
and is astonishing
Sideways
WTF was it with this film and the praise it gets? It was on some list of the best films ever made. I would have to exhaust pretty much every film I know of before I got to putting this in a list of good films.
My lady wife hated it as well and then was invited around to a friends house to watch a film and the friend put this on. My wife tried to be tactful and suggest a different film but the friend said 'well its in the machine now' as though pressing the eject button was too much of a faff. Longest evening of her life. One of the other invitees made excuses and left half way through.
I think it's a hoot
and rather touching too.
Great Seventies-inspired jazz soundtrack and I love anything with Paul Giamatti, even Duets, which really should be on this list. A karaoke road movie with Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow *winces*
I'm afraid you are quite
I'm afraid you are quite wrong.
Sideways?
I certainly don't think Sideways fits the OP's criterion, which is about films that pretty much everybody agrees are crap. A load of people (both critics and ordinary civilians) loved it, and I count myself among their number. To answer your question, I think it's very well written, funny in places and spot-on in its portrayal of a friendship which dates back a long time, in which the two parties don't have much in common any more, but still care about each other. The acting is great too, not just the four leads but the supporting cast too.
Oh, and 5C, while I agree with you on this subject, I disagree about Duets. It's no masterpiece, but I liked it well enough - and I thought Huey Lewis was fine, ditto Gwyneth Paltrow (who's usually good value in the films I've seen her in). And Paul Giametti, Andre Braugher and Maria Bello are terrific.
Two that have gone unmentioned
The Expendables
Without a doubt the worst film I have paid to see in the past 10 years. There is nothing good about this other than its promise to be an old-school action movie. Everything, from the non-existent yet somehow confusing plot to the slightly sick-making love/paternal interest thing going on with Stallone and the bad guy's daughter. Oh yes, and Jason Statham's character being given 'depth' by being in love with a woman who has ended up in an abusive relationship.
Boxing Helena
Julian Sands chops off Audrey from Twin Peaks' limbs and keeps her in a box. That's all I can really remember, apart from (I think) [SPOILERS!!!] it was all a dream. Really not worth your time.
Oh no, he didn't
The Expendables was a throwback to the glory days of Menachem Golan's late, lamented Cannon Films imprint IMHO...The redoubtable Terry Crews and his 200 rounds per minute shotgun? Come on now :) I can't really go to the mat over Boxing Helena but Julian Sands is a better actor by far than his credits might suggest. Would love to see him in a more open-ended entertainment like Game Of Thrones
Never seen this
but luckily the trailer has the bit I wanted to see.
Speed 2
Hudson Hawk
Bonfire of the Vanities
Heavens Gate
1945
How about we simplify things : Anything with the following in it
Adam Sandler
Sylvester Stallone
Bruce Willis (maybe except the first Die Hard)
Sandra Bullock
Melanie Griffith
Can't allow you the Bruce Willis criterion
Pulp Fiction and Twelve Monkeys, for a start.
Completely agree on the others though.
Also see...
The Last Boy Scout.
I also Mr Stallone was very good in Copland.
Oh, and, after wagging a few with the kids I don't mind Adam Sandler either!
&^@%^@$*&%^ Spluttering with indignation.
Ok, they all got lucky once or twice. Random chance ? But just look at these filmographies.....
Stallone : http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000230/
Bullock : http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000113/
Sandler : http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001191/
Willis : http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000246/ (8 new ones in the pipe including Expendables 2 fer gawds sake)
Griffith : http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000429/
Now that is a world of hurt right there.
Now there's a challenge
I reckon I can name at least one watchable film with all of these:
Adam Sandler - The Wedding Singer
Slyvester Stallone - Rocky (yep!), Copland
Bruce Willis - 12 Monkeys, Die Hard, Pulp Fiction
Sandra Bullock - Speed
Melanie Griffith - Something Wild, Working Girl, Another Day In Paradise (actually a pretty dodgy film - but she's amazing in it)
Sandra Bullock AND Stallone
Demolition Man. Worth it if only for Sandra B in lycra, but it was quite an entertaining movie in an undemanding way. I rather liked it.
"He doesn't know how to use the 3 seashells."
I love this film.
Friends With Benefits
So bad that I sat in the bathroom of my Studio flat for an hour. I couldn't stand to be the same room as it. (My girlfriend likes Justin Timberlake an insisted on sticking with it)
Howard the duck
Obvious choice but terrible from beginning to end.
No
Not having that.It was silly, plus Lea Thompson made watching much much easier.
Are you having a giraffe?
IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!!!!
No
I own the DVD. It gets an occasional airing.
So there.
Immortals In 3D
We went to a free preview of this before Christmas, not really expecting a great deal from it, but hoping to find it a diverting few hours of mindless entertainment. It half-worked. It was certainly mindless. The entertainment bit seemed to have been lost along the way.
Mark Kermode made a very good point when reviewing it on 5 Live, which was that it was an *incredibly* juvenile film in many respects, but the violence and gore meant that it wasn't at all suitable for the kind of audience that would probably have got the most out of it. Add to that the fact that it didn't appear to do anything '300' hadn't done previously, and with marginally greater success, and it was just a colossal waste of time. The best thing I can say about it is that we got a free pair of 3D specs each.
Van Helsing
Obviously cost a fortune, utter garbage.
anyone seen Madonna's W.E yet?
Apparently it stinks worse than Swept Away or Revolver
did you see her on the telly?
I think she has had work done.
Zombie Lake
Jaw-droppingly awful Euro 'Horror' from 1981. It fails miserably on every imaginable level and isn't even so bad it's funny. Rumour has it that the director Jean Rollins took the job on at the last minute as the scheduled director disappeared shortly before shooting. Sensible chap. Apparently, there wasn't actually a script anywhere on set, so Rollins basically made it up as he went along, and it shows.
Everything sucks, from the dire acting to the risible zombie make up (green paint, which can frequently be seen rubbing off on the actor's clothes) and the tedious and utterly pointless female nudity.
'Absolute Beginners'.....
Take a remarkable novel from the 50s, that is aching to be made on celluloid in a 'Wednesday Play'/'Alfie'/'Billy Liar'-type way with a Coltrane/MJQ/Rock 'n' Roll soundtrack, and make a musical out of it in the 1980s with 1980s music and 1980s production values.
Erm....no.
Actually given the even 'more' dire stage production (true!) by Roy Williams (where the main character is unveiled to be racist!) is there a novel that has been more sh*te upon from a great height than 'Absolute Beginners'?
'Double Identity'...
Thought I'd ordered a remake of Fred McMurray's "Double Indemnity", which I thought might be worth a look (should have stuck to the original), but got this by mistake. Val Kilmer in a bad Eastern bloc film. What was that all about?
Eddie Murphy
Beverley Hills Cop 3.............unbelievable rubbish.
The 4th one better be a whole lot better!
Oh and Soderbergh's new one "Haywire" is pretty bad.
Peter's Friends
Hideously smug and absolutely dreadful despite starring some otherwise very likeable and talented people such as Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry.
The Chronicles of Riddick AKA...
'The Ridicules of Chronic' as it is often referred to.
Moulin Rouge - wtf
Prizzi's Honour - bad comedy yes, Drama? No way!
The Village - a big build up to.............nothing
Angela's Ashes - how much misery can you take?
According to the GLW - (Having been persuaded by friends, the time that she wasted watching these, she wants back): -
Mamma Mia
Sex and The City 2
A quick flick through the Razzies web site
at http://www.razzies.com/forum/entire-razzie-history-yearbyyear-19802009_f... brings back some horrible memories....
All time winners : movie "I Know Who Killed Me" (thankfully I haven't seen this one), actor Sylvester Stallone and actress Madonna.
other highlights include
Ishtar
Who's That Girl
Indecent Proposal
Show Girls
Battlefield Earth
Can't Stop The Music (talk about your coked up bad idea)
Xanadu....
I'm going to have to stop now.
What one needs
This has been a fabulous thread of movie dross, and I hope it carries on.
IMHO the majority of this crap could have been avoided by strong-minded persons saying "that's a really bad idea" and crushing the egos of the over-confident (for whatever reason) pushing it through. A little negativity can be SO helpful. I would also love to see Madonna's face and strop when she heard this.
I've mentioned this before, but a great read is
"The Devils Candy: The Bonfire of the Vanities Goes to Hollywood" by Julie Salamon (http://www.amazon.com/Devils-Candy-Bonfire-Vanities-Hollywood/dp/0385308...) about the making of the movie version of the book. How a modest block buster turned into a major cost over run and a complete turkey, that everyone in the production still thought was going to be great right up until the premier.....even Tom Wolfe thought it was a bad idea and refused to have anything to do with it.