Entertainment For Lively Minds
Real-life Triggers
Not guns. I mean people that have said priceless things in the same vein as the Trigger character in Only Fools and Horses. Because I'm the OP, I have two:
Number 1
A group of us travelled to Kidderminster to see Woking FC play a Conference game many years ago. It was very cold and we arrived very early. A warm and inviting cabin was in the ground, and inside was warmth and a nice looking bar. A big sign said "Club Members Only" (or similar) and a huge gentleman guarding the door. We were, plainly, away fans and not club members - and had no chance of entry.
"Leave this to me, lads" says our youngest member in a watch-and-learn kind of way. He approached the large gentleman at the door and said "er...can we come in?" "No" was the short answer.
"Tried my best..."
Number 2
A painter and decorator was on a job, painting a door. He said "If I had a pound for every door I have painted, I'd be a rich man now...".
Long silence. Apprentice pipes up:
"but you charge more than a quid for painting a door, don't you?". "Well yeah...but I've been doing this a long time".
"Have you ever charged less than a quid for painting a door?"
"No...er...that's not the point"
"Enlighten me then...what is your point?"
And so on.
Are there others out there?
- More from Austin.
- Login or register to post comments
-
There was a guy on an episode of...
...the Hotel Inspector, or Restaurant Inspector or somesuch, a while back. He was the do-everything lieutenant/dogsbody of the nutter who was running the failing premises. He had a tendency to speak in over-complicated sentences, a bit like that woman in the Apprentice who kept making up extended versions of words that didn't existificate.
Halfway through the filming he quit as a full-time employee, but was apparently still willing to come and do odd shifts when needed (yes, I know - weird).
Interviewed on the matter he said, 'I'm continuing to be involved on a need-to-know basis'...
Overheard...
in my local:
"Apparently he retired to the south coast, down by them Rodney Marshes..."
Kid's TV
A discussion of favoured childhood TV shows a while ago contained this immortal line:
"Yes! I remember Pipkins. It had Hartley the Hare in it. Wasn't he some kind of big Rabbit...?"
A game of Trivial Pursuit many years ago:
The question: 'Who was the country's leader at the time of Japan's WW2 surrender?'
Me: 'Do you mean the British Prime Minister or the Japanese Emperor?'
A glance at the card - 'Must be the Japanese one'
Answer - 'Dunno, Hirohito?
'No' (and said in a Japanese accent): 'Clement Attleeee'
A couple
Number 1
Scene: I was the designated driver on an away trip with some mates to see Bristol Rovers at Chesterfield.
I tend to drive about 80 mph on motorways but that usually gets me some stick from my boy racer mates. This occasion was no different and I was indeed getting stick for 'dawdling' along at a mere 80 mph.
Mate in back says 'Don't take any notice of them tossers. You'd be surprised how far you can get in an hour doing eighty'.
Number 2 (a bit obscure but I almost pissed myself)
Scene: Shared student house many years ago in Bristol.
Mate 1: Who's coming down the pub?
Mate 2: I can't. Gotta finish an essay about Noel Coward.
Mate 1: The one that sailed off on a liner?
When I was at Liverpool Uni
The Students Society had an award for Foolish Male and Female of the week. This one I can recall clearly;
Girl 1: What were you up to last weekend?
Girl 2: Just been to Dublin with B&I for only £10 return AND you were given a voucher to buy a bottle of spirits in duty free.
Girl 1: Wow, what a bargain. Did you go on the train?
Nervous Lady
sat next to my wife on a flight:
"I'll be so glad when we are back on Terracotta."