Seven Samurai Cooder - A guitar-slinging stranger rides into town with his six piece mariachi band, saves the locals from the tyranny of gay synth-based Abba covers band. He marries the girl, but loses an accordian. Said to have inspired ...

Erasurehead - Gay synth-based duo eek out a living hidden behind a radiator playing Abba covers to sperm and dust balls. Fin.

Karate Kid Creole - a vulnerable young boy is initiated into the secret arts of salsa by a swarthy older man with a moustache, panama hat ... and unfeasably large coconuts. Cert.18. Art-house only.

5 Star Trek - A family from Essex of various and uncertain genders vow to boldly take 80s pop where no man has gone before. A franchise in the making. (See also: The Wrath of Chaka Khan).

Jonathan Livingstone Flock of Seagull - a seagull seized by a passion for hairdressing pushes himself to learn everything he can about crimping until finally his unwillingness to conform results both in his expulsion from his flock, and a job with Trevor Sorbie. A Sundance Festival favourite.

Chevy Chase and Aerosmith on holiday together

12 Arctic Monkeys - Alex Turner goes back in time to try and prevent his band from spawning too many soundalikes. Much lager is spilt and various packets of chips end up in the gutter. The first film to feature three different bassists resigning.

Tangled Up in Blue Velvet - Bob Dylan huffs helium, quotes Italian poets from the 17th century while looking for an ear. Bob Neuwirth plays the Man in the Yellow Jacket.

Don't Blame on I, Claudius - Rastafarians get thrown to the lions. Narrated by Lee "Scratch" Perry.

12 Angry Men Without Hats: The safety dance was not enough to save them from work-related head trauma. Now they are fighting for compensation through the courts on a no-win / no-fee basis.

Batman Begins The Begin: Bruce Wayne’s costumed alter ego mumbles enigmatically about Miles Standish, tigers and insurgencies.

Cool Hand Luke Haines: The former Auteur turned jaillbird disdainfully eats 50 eggs while subjecting his fellow inmates to a caustic inner monologue. Later he digs himself a large, possibly symbolic, hole that he then finds impossible to climb out of.

Children Of Menswe@r: Bleak documentary focusing on the offspring of Britpop’s greatest folly.

Terminator: Humph keeps the team in line as they devise ways of annihilating the human race.

with hilarious results

Bowie's Heroes - Bowie, Iggy, Eno (playing the Telly Savalas role) and Mick Ronson go back in time and find themselves caught up in World War 2 with hilarious consequences.

Finding Eno - Various indie bands search the world for Brian Eno as they need his special producer's touch to breathe new life into their flagging careers. He's in hiding as he can't face the prospect of being responsible for prolonging the life of any more of these cultural throwbacks.

Harold Budd & Maude - unlikely romance between suicidal avant garde composer and old lady who smells of lavender and wee. Strangely uplifting. (See also hippy disco romp The Zabriske Pointer Sisters)

The Man Who Fell To Earthworks Alien inventor arrives in Wimbourne, literally falling in with eccentric sedantry guitarist before concocting synthetic drum skin and leaving to form free jazz combo ... with hilarious consequences. (See also Scooby Doo & The Goblin King Crimson)

I'm Alright Jack White Peter Sellers excels as excessively confident union man fighting to overcome lack of musical talent to support his equally talentless sister (Margaret Rutherford) who later turns out to be his wife (Irene Handel) or possibly aunt (Liz Frazer) but still can't play the drums. Faces opposition and comic relief from his (possibly drunk, possibly racist) guitar playing brothers-in-law (Ian Carmichael & Dickie Attenborough) who want to send her to Jamaica on the Windrush as a protest about Labour's immigration policies. Maybe. (Cameo by Little Malcolm Muggeridge & The Eunuchs). (See also atmospheric period comedy Passportishead To Pimlico)

Updated version of the classic musical.

Industry grinds to a halt because all the important people are staring at computers trying to come up with silly film / music stuff..

Who's going to contact Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode with this for tomorrow's show? Shall I do it?

And I've forgotten how to do HTML for bold. Oh well. Here we go.

Big Star Wars - Same as Star Wars but with jangly guitar power pop instead of the John Williams theme.

The R.E.M.Pire Strikes Back - "Yes.. My religion I have been losing, hmmm?" (Or is that Return Of The Jedi? I forget..)

No Big Country For Old Men - Scottish geriatrics denied their fix of Caledonian 80's pop. Whilst living in Aberdeen and looking at oilrigs, obviously.

The Man Who Would Be Carole King - Connery and Caine compete to see who can write the best tune and look good in a floaty dress.

Death On The Blue Nile - the film of one of only four books written by Agatha Crusty. Over twenty-five years. They are jolly good, though.

The War Of The Stone Roses

I can only be arsed to think up titles. I'll leave the plots to you...

Crouching Tygers of Pan Tang, Hidden Dragon

Jack White and the Seven Dwarfs

Ride of Frankenstein

La Joe Dolce Vita

The Empire Strikes Zack Starkey

Dr Strangely Strangelove

Are Poco Hip Now?

Deep Purple Throat

A Matter of Life and Def Leppard

Nuts in Lyle Mays

Battleship Greg Kihn

Last Tango in Steve Harris

A Streetcar Named Des'ree

The Great Trane Robbery

The Non-Towering Infernal Bono

The Glowering Infernal Ono

Caddyshakatak

Das Cabinet des Dr Caligari Barlow

Revenge of the Lynyrd Skynyrds

RT: The Extra-Terrestrial

John Wayne spends years looking for his neice after she is kidnapped by Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders, only to find she's gone native on the Chatsworth Estate.

Plucky band of hippie outcasts morph into house band for the military elite. Charts the decline of American culture following the backlash against the backlash against the backlash against Watergate ... "The only good bug is a dead bug!"

there goes my friday.

The Madness of King George - Nigel Hawthorne spends his last days going losing the plot, while his court is entertained by Camdens finest.

The Boomtown Mallrats - Bob Geldof and Pete Briquette spend their day hanging around a posh South Dublin shopping centre, pretending to be disaffected louts before Daddy swings by to bring them to Rugby training

Dexys Midnight Runners - Kevin Rowland is a scruffy, down at (high) heel bail bondsman, having to bring female former mob accountant to justice. Accountant is reluctant to travel. "Come on, Eileen", entreats our Kev. Only 2 people have seen this movie. Alan McGee is one of them

Best in Showaddywaddy - Fly on the wall mocurockumentary (if you will) following members of Leicestershire 50's revivalists and their pets

Hurry Up Harry Potter

Dishevelled schoolboy Jimmy Pursey discovers magical ways to make a living from shouting mockney anthems.

Babylon Zoolander

Jaz believes strongly that his unique dress sense and his ridiculously good looks will sustain a long and lucrative popular music career. Owen Paul, his rival and nemesis, has other ideas...

The Fabulous Danny Baker Boy

A Betty Boo de Souffe

CasaHoobastanka

Alice Cooper Doesn't Live Here Anymore

A Clockwork Jason Orange

Hey Dude, Where's My Cars? - One man in a skinny tie searches for lost copy of 'Heartbeat City'. Not with hilarious consequences.

A Hard Day's Knights In White Satin - Following one day in the life of a Masonic Lodge as they make their TV debut singing a medley of showtunes on 'Britain's Got Talent'.

Delaney & Bonnie & Clyde - Bank robberies and impromptu white soul across the Southlands lead to drug abuse, alcoholism, madness, divorce, and murder in this light hearted rom-com.

Oh What A Lovely GWAR

The Wizzard of Oz

Ween Streets

Saturday Night Feeder

Raging Düül

Bon On The Waterfront

The Last Temptation of Feist

Be Here Apocalypse Now
Paths of Glory Estefan
The Sting! The Stewart Copeland! The Andy Summers!

The story of three fresh-faced Geordie scamps whose ruthless pursuit of world domination through the gift of blue-eyed soul is eventually thwarted when they die in a blizzard whilst transporting the masters of their greatest, unheard album, rumoured to be called 'Rosebud'.

I give you....Citizen Kane Gang.

A clash of personalities between Captain Robert Fripp and Lieutenant-Commander William Bruford leads to a crisis of command and near mutiny aboard the nuclear missile submarine USS Bible Black.

Accompanied by a soundtrack of challenging 13/8 jazz-rock 'construkts'

and Watts Eating Gilbert Grape

A quirky tale of a young Johnny Depp caring for the immaculately dressed but slightly grumpy drummer of the Stones

Lance Armstrong seeks sanctuary pursued by a small priest in purple robes

The Sting of Hank Marvin Gardens

An irritating buzz spoils bespectacled twanger's deckchair strum

I Was Not Was a Male War Bride

Slightly confusing update of Cary Grant classic

Paint Your REO Speedwagon

Raiders of the Lost Black Ark Studios

Taste of Honey - Gritty Northern kitchen sink drama starring Rita Tushingham and Rory Gallagher
Annie Hall and Oates - New York and LA based love triangle comedy between Diane Keaton and blue-eyed soul duo
The Mean Streets

Jarvis Cocker takes you round his library...and gets medieval on your ass...

Diminutive bloke is idiot savant/genius.

...Phil Oakey enlists the help of several pioneers of UK electronica, Vince Clark, Gary Numan, John Foxx and others, in order to infiltrate the infamous,impenetrable Kling Klang studios in darkest Germany, to steal the secrets to pure electronic pop

... a desperate attempt to stay alive and perhaps enjoy even more Eurovision success.

Three Steps To Heaven Can Wait
... a tale of resolute singletons.

Johnny Kidd And The Pirates Of The Caribbean
... an ill-fated bid to survive the dangerous mid-1960s roads of Lancashire.

... Guy Chadwick's increasingly desperate efforts to convince people that he really was once in a band.

The Modest Mouse That Roared - Aging guitar hero, with suspiciously black hair, bad tan and a blouson jacket, stows away on Heath Robinson inspired moon launch, only to crash land in the middle of someone else's band. Again.

The Quatermassive Attack - Mysterious object falls from space and begins omitting sinister sounds that drive everyone within earshot who's not cool totally insane.

Whiskeytown Galore - American guitar combo find themselves spending 12 months drunk on a remote Hebridean island for tax reasons. With predictably hilarious consequences.

Will Hay, Moore Marriott and crew get mixed up with a rum crew from round Bristol way

The Beast with Five Star Fingers

The Creatures from the Black Lagoon

Night of the Living Grateful Dead

Modesty Blaze Bayley

Invasion of the Moby Snatchers

Cat Stevens on a Hot Tin Roof

Breakfast at Biff Byford's

Where The Eagles Dare
The Desert Fleet Foxes
The Diary of Anne Frank & Walters
Emmy The Great Escape
The Guns of NavarOne True
Voice
Kelly Osbourne's Heroes
The Naked and the Dead Can Dance
Von Ryan Adam's Express
The Heroes of TeleMark E Smith

Frank Black Christmas

Gorky's Zygotic Mynci Park

Bring Me The Head Of Jerry Garcia

Dr Terrorvision's House Of The Horrors

Sid James gets the hots for Babs from Clapham

How about?

Death on the Blue Nile

The Human League of Extraordinary Gentleman

Smells Like Teen Spirited Away

Super Furry Animal House

PJ Harvey for Vendetta

How the Westlife Was Won

High Llamas Noon

Shane. MacGowan.

Pat Garrett and Billy the New Kids on the Block

The Good, the Bad and the Queen and the Ugly

The Man Who Shot Liberty X

Harmony group find themselves in a town called Hell

The Bono Ultimatum

All Quiet Riot on the Western Front

Slade Runner

Korn with the Wind

The Grapes of Wrathchild

As if his childhood were not traumatic enough already Augusten Burroughs gets mixed up with camp danceologists

The Mission Impossible - action packed adventure as Wayne Hussey tries to recover stolen master tapes from arch nemesis and master of disguise Tiny Tom Tom Club Cruise.

When Harry Nilsson Met Sally Oldfield - it was pandemonium.

The Lady Ga Ga From Shanghai - naughty nautical noir featuring large transvestite, becalmed and hoping for a tug.

The DracuLas
The Twilight Boyzone
FrankenChrisStein
Richard Hellraiser
Three Dog Nightmare On Elm Street
I know what you did last Donna Summer
The Karen Omen
Egg Friday the 13th
Night of the Living in a Box Dead
Carry On Screaming Jay Hawkins

Cary Grant would rather take poison than hear "Billy Don't Be a Hero" again.

They threaten him further by saying it could be "Arsenic and Old Black Lace"

"No! Not 'Agadoo'..!" He cried

Two men compare their personal philosophies whilst eating in a New York restaurant. The one favours the good life. His friend seeks spiritual enlightenment by getting married to Katie Price.

Bring Me the "Head" Soundtrack of Alfredo Garcia
Warren Oates's character made the mistake of lending Garcia a highly collectable lp and now he wants it back. It's worth remembering that this film was made before The Monkees' entire back-catalogue was re-issued on cd.

Bob & Carol & Ted Nugent & Alice
Quaint period piece from 1969, when modern bohemians flirted with group therapy and wife swapping. Natalie Wood looks lovely. Ted Nugent looks a bit out of place.

Cleo Laine de 5 a 7
Cleo listens to "PM" whilst preparing the evening meal. Her husband joins her for dinner, then does the washing up whilst Cleo finishes off the crossword.

A Portrait of The Artist Formerly Known As Prince as a Young Man

Moby's Dick

Cabaret Charles
Joan Armatrading Places
North By North West Bruce & Laing
Tango and Johnny Cash
Rambo Diddley
Jurassic Parklife

Them! Van accidentally receives a dosage of radiation and becomes 50ft tall. He's a bit miffed about it.

Hitchcock's The Byrds - jangly 60s group become agressive and violent for no apparent reason and attack Tipi Hedren. Perhaps it was the brown acid.

The Day Manfred Mann's Earth Band Stood Still

The Lost World of Twist

I Was a Teenage Fanclub

Northside by Kanye West

Hendrix adds layers of complication to inter-connectivity theory

There's Something About Mary Chapin Carpenter - unfortunate hair gel incident has winsome country chanteuse regretting she ever penned her big hit "Come On Come On".

The Naked Gun Club - of interest only to serious Jeffrey Lee Pierce fans, and even then...

Groundhogs Day - hairy rockers wake every morning only to find themselves writing exactly the same 12 bar blues song over and over again. Award winning documentary noted for its unflinching accuracy.

Shaun Ryder of The Dead - Manc rocker terrifies zombie hoardes with his deathly palour and blood shot eyes.

The Magnificent Shed Seven - York rockers save Mexican village from invasion by repelling marauding bandits with painfully dull greatest hits set.

Lawrence of Arabia - Felt frontman destroys Ottoman Empire with the power of his fey, jingly-jangly Velvet Underground-alike back catalogue.

Nutty boys find themselves in a time warp to become Georgian Court Troubadours.

Hence "The Liberty of Norton Folgate, Sirrah!"

A fellowship of the free peoples of Middle Earth pursue a perilous quest to Mordor to hurl the Purple Lord's misplaced Hammond organ into the Cracks of Doom lest he dominate the world with an endless keyboard solo from the Ancient World...

Bryan Adams pays tribute to a time when Jimmy Pursey was never off Top Of The Pops.

Get Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine - a plaintive cry at an awards ceremony in the Phillip Schofield biopic.

ZZ Top Gun - a tale of beards, cars, guitars and naval pilots.

Latin Quartermass And The Pit - troubled times at an Underground extension as work is interrupted by the discovery of masses of abandoned achingly right-on albums from the 1980s.

Betty Blue Mink ...

this could become extremely addictive...

Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart conspire to sink a German gunboat using thunderous riffs.

Bogey gets a bit miffed when Kate throws overboard his fags, drugs and booze - the loss of his gak even makes him stammer - but he gets over it, and they pull together to beat the Hun.

Simply Red Balloon Mick Hucknall has a friend, one day they'll fly away together. (Contains scenes of mild peril)

Clan of the Nick Cave Bear They're just one big happy family! (contains swearing and adult themes)

Billy J Kramer V Kramer They're my little children. No, they're my little children. Who will decide?

Fantastic! Surely the winner so far... :-D

Bring Up Babyshambles
I'm No Comsat Angel
Mr Blandings Builds His Crowded House

... all starring Cary Grant Lee Buffalo

Drugs.Drink. More drugs. More drink, Drugs Again.Drink.Drugs.Drugs.Drink.Drugs.

Then the New York Dolls show up...

... it's not nice

Fun With Dick and Jane Wiedlin - tales of The Go-Gos rider.

Frankie and Johnny Go To Hollywood

Manfred Mann About The House - a South African keyboardist moves in with a couple of 1970s dolly-birds... with hilarious consequences.

The Wedding Present Crashers - no marriage ceremony in Yorkshire is safe from a bunch of indie chancers.

Doctor And The Medics At Large - one-hit-wonder opportunists encounter James Robertston Justice... with hilarious consequences.

Big Momma's Housemartins - an FBI agent dresses up as part of a Hull four-piece indie band to track down a bank robber.

...I'll see your Manfred Mann About The House and I'll raise you

Robin Sarstedt's Nest Don't order the seafood if your resistance is low...

Bedtime for the bonzo dog doo dah band. In which Viv stanshall and co decide on an early night with hilarious consequences...

...in which a clean-cut technicolour 60s pop star takes some drugs and suddenly imagines he's having a monochrome disagreement with Gary Cooper played out over a vastly overblown period of time (during which his clean-cut career disappears on the last train outta town)...

Promising young horserider succeeds against all the odds - in a dub stylee.

Run Fatboy Slim, Run in which the former Housemartin, er, runs...

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Festival: Harry Potter is transported back to the year 1994, where he is given the task of deciding the running order of Vince Power’s now defunct music festival. Should Ned’s Atomic Dustbin go on before or after Blaggers ITA?

The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drifters: Variations incarnations of the famous doo wop group - The Drifters - attempt to decide once and for all who has the legal right to use the name, by racing garishly painted, souped-up cars through the crowded streets of Tokyo.

My Cousin Vini Reilly: Black comedy set in Aberdeen in the early 1980s. A ten year old boy attempts to win favour at a new school by claiming that his cousin is Vini Reilly from the post-punk band – The Durutti Column.

Interview with The Vampire Weekend: Miserable press junket off-cuts masquerading as a serious interview with the African-influenced New Yorkers. Inexplicably given a limited cinema release.

All Quiet on the Western Front 242: Biopic of Belgian electronic music pioneers - Front 242 - focusing on the time when the band decided to take a break and pursue other interests.

Honey I blew up Kid Rock: Hilarity ensues after an attempt at hunting possum with dynamite goes badly wrong.

Dr Seuss’ Horton Hears The Who! When anthropomorphic elephant, Horton, catches wind of a Who concert, he gives up on his dream of becoming an accountant and embarks on a sex and drugs-fuelled rampage across 1970s America.

How to Lose Guy Chambers in 10 Days: Biopic documenting the deteriorating relationship between Robbie Williams and his song writing collaborator.

Mumbling, mayhem and moody tracking shots in the Medway delta

Grandmaster Flashdance She's a maniac with a message, don't push her 'cos she's close to the edge (Guest starring The Edge as Himself)

and the sequel

Grandmaster Flash Gordon "Flash, Flash, I love you, but we only have 14 hours left to record this seminal rap tune"

A l-l-long time ago
In a g-g-galaxy far far away...

The story of why that long-awaited reunion is still, ahem, awaited.

It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World Party - A desperate chase to find the buried royalties of Karl Wallinger.

Casino Royale Bowley
Octopussy Cat Dolls
Dr. No Doubt
Santogold Finger
Diamonds On My Windshield Are Forever
Live And Let Dogs Die In Hot Cars
Keith Moonraker
The Only Ones Live Twice

Or ...

Carry On Cleo Lane
Carry On Cabby Calloway
Carry On Sergeant Pepper
Carry On Dr. & The Medics
Carry On Dick Dale
Carry On Lovin' Spoonful
Carry On Again Dr. John
Carry On Emmanuella Fitzgerald
Carry On Girls Aloud
Carry On Henry Rollins
Carry On Follow That Sopwith Camel
Carry On Screaming Blue Messiahs
Carry On Matron Ashton
Carry On Cowboy Junkies

Blue Velvet Underground - Lou and the team deliver sets from 70's British stand ups, with hilarious results.

The Seventh Seal - so far, six lanky British pop/soul singers have failed to beat Death at a game of chess, but this time its personal.

Some Like It, Hot Chip - will the studio-bound, nerdy kings of electro pop be persauded that some people actually enjoy the fresh air?

Lust for Life - Iggy Pop tries to sell Vincent Van Gogh car insurance.

Man on Wire - 60's Welsh rockers get better aquainted with punk legends.

Burn After Reading - arsonists run amok following annual Berkshire rock festival.

KC and the Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in which a young man erases the memories of the queen of clubs over and over again.

Pulp Fiction Factory... in which Vincent Vega gets to feel like heaven..
From Russia With Love And Money... Bond and the Russian babe get on the Candy Bar Express
Woodstock... various 60s bands get together to live out the lyrics to Jonis masterpiece.....

Photographer can see into the future while making an unholy din

Driving Miss Jay-Z - a heartwarming morality tale in which cross dressing rapper strikes up unlikely friendship, and shared interest in Victorian undergarments, with little old lady chauffeuse.

Children in idyllic hamlet all start dressing like dracula resembling proto-goths or bleach their hair and wear big fluffy stripey jumpers, much to the alarm of their parents.

Fanny and Alexander - all girl '70s rock band spend a happy christmas in Sweden with fan Alexander, but then it all gets a bit dark and distressing.

Patrick McNee & Diana Rigg star as The Beast & The Harlot in this late night Channel 4 spin-off.

Lady Ga Ga and The Trammps

An unlikely tale of long distance romance between a shy piano playing boy from Pinner, and an intellectually challenged New York cab driver ... "Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza"

Thank you, and goodnight!

Clockwork Orange Juice

Sky Captain Sensible and the World of Tomorrow

Radio Birdman of Alcatraz

Rezillos vs Mothra

Dirty Johnny Rotten Scoundrels

Traffic
Shirley My Bloody Valentine
Diamond Dogs in Space
Mike Scott of the Antarctic
What Bernard Butler Saw
The Divine Comedy of Errors
The Spy Who Came in from the Coldplay
A Man for All Mad Seasons
Days of Thunderclap Newman

Erudite English prvate dick urges Levi Stubbs to step asde as he performs "Walk Away Renee Zellweger"

Monte Carlo Or Busted - Schoolboy toffs must decide between a life of excess around the Mediterranean... or taking part in a vintage car rally.

The Unbelievable Truth About Cats And Dogs - Yorke junior ponders a new career as a vet.

Funeral For A Friend In Berlin - Harry Palmer travels to Wales to try to spring a rock band into the pop charts.

Dirty Pretty Things To Come - Carl Barat unveils his predictions for the next 100 years.

Jesus Jones Of Montreal - Indie chancers try to revive their career by means of a Canadian passion play rather than trekking around on the revival circuit.

Back To The Planet Of The Apes - After a 2,000-year flight astronauts crash land on to a planet where the dominate sound is squatter rock.

A Taste Of Honeycombs - A grim upbringing for a teenage girl in 1950s northern England and how the only escape is to learn to play the drums and join a band.

On Liquid Golden Pond - Ageing couple are visited by daughter, with much disagreement ensuing about cheesy/naff early 1980s disco bands.

Showaddywaddygirls - When the Teddy Boy look no longer sells any records, who needs clothes at all?