It's all about a sledge (or is it "sled").

In a world designed by Roger Dean.

the 30 second bunny movies?

http://www.angryalien.com/0506/casabunca.asp

a double post before?

She was away from home, she made some new friends, they went off to see someone, he wasn't all he was cracked up to be, she woke up.

My long lost sister you say? Erm lets just pretend I never said that...

has affair with posh bird in the middle of the desert. He gets horribly toasted in an aviation calamity. Audience loses will to live, and goes home early in case they die before he does.

when a "substitute" daughter enters his gym. He then has his heart broken again when he is called on to do something he can never forgive himself for.

On their first date they save the human race.

Not the best decision he'll ever make.

I'm drunk I'm famous, I'm drunk I'm dead.

It's raining. I'm just singing and dancing.

2 - Old nag, crap jockey, amazing wins, true story

3 - Grim Up North noir with a copper so hard-boiled he's been left in the pan for a week.

preparing his gripping version of major historical figure's end days. Internet uses it to create spoofs about Oasis splitting up.

Newly created fairy reconciles herself with her innate talent for engineering and saves Spring by mechanising the processes of Fairyland.

Honestly.

Mickey Rourke takes several days to solve the easiest crossword clue in history.

Picks up a suitcase, takes the boss's wife out for dinner and cleans up a dirty car.

Not necessarily in that order.

and is crushed, and the hero couldn't give a damn

And a monolith to begin with, and a freaky light show to finish.

Uuuurgh

(actually applies to the entire series)

Phew

befriends child prostitute, kills pimp.

Proper mental. Absurdly melodramatic. Portman does some mucky stuff. Worth bothering with.

Fargo

Blackmail goes tits up
Don't mess with a woodchipper

...there are only two valid reviews/summaries possible: "Shit" and "Not Shit". Thanks to Eamonn Forde, these are now my watchword.

stranger rides into town, appoints the local dwarf as Sheriff, paints the town red to look like Hell, kills the local baddies and rides off into the distance.

Stake holders get upset

Then gets domesticated by a doe-eyed bint with a pot on her head

Gets laid.
Fridge remains knackered.

Pitchforks are waved

Meat Loaf for dinner

Hebrideans get pissed

"

Attends to housewife for quite a long time.

I forget what it's called, but it was one in a series.

get massacred with a chainsaw. In Texas.

and become Burgundians before becoming Londoners again.

while Sly saves a penalty in a 4 all draw. You don't find out if they all get out or not.

metamorphoses into mother.

falls head over heels in love with dusky beauty.

Oops, unexpected item in bagging area.

Roll credits as Boy George murders title song.

Goes Camping

escape from a bloke dressed in black with a bucket on his head. Tuckloads of poor dialogue and quasi-Freudian issues follow.

Short chap finds a gold ring. Another short chap puts it back where it came from.

hated Hur.

Mort Sahl I think.

Or Lenny Bruce after 3 hours of the premiere of the film Exodus, leaves shouting "Let my people go!"

eyebrows are raised, so is baseball bat.

Adopted family wins Austria's Got Talent.

Child in romper suit imagines creatures on an island.

Nic Cage in a vest stops a plane full of bad people. Twice.

Failed plan to blow up Hitler. Failed film with no German actors.

See the pretty man with blond hair? He's Death. Honestly.

Tom Hulce in a wig giggles. Dies.

Two friends go on holiday by mistake.

Nude Tom Hanks talks to a basketball.

Meryl falls in love with Clint whilst her husband is away for 4 days. In what feels like real time.

James Stewart wants to travel. Doesn't. James Stewart wants to die. Doesn't.

Man walks into a bar mitzvah.

laughs self to death. Shit actress fails to notice precipitation.

star shows arse. Swears at monkeys, cries at broken statue lady.

star shows arse. Swears at monkeys, cries at broken statue lady.

***The sequel isn't much better***

bond over disdain for KMart and mutual admiration for Quantas' safety record.

It was the gay English Jew that did it.

with £1m+ flat cops off with frog-mouthed Hollywood actress in whites-only enclave. Lanky skunkhead in pants provides unsuccessful comic relief.

Middle aged air stewardess rips off a gangster and the drug cops pursuing him with the help of a bail bondsman, to a Randy Crawford Bobby Womack etc soundtrack.

Much whimsy ensues.

Bloke gets given a railway station. Not much happens. But what does does so very well.

I was going to do a summary of Betty Blue but I never managed to make it past the "Man shags woman on bed.." bit at the start so I don't know what the rest of the film's about.

...With a dowdy girlfriend, narrowly loses a fight.

a man pretends to be nuts...

his mate (who isnt really mute), kills him.

Bad guys come back to town at midday to kill an officer of the law.

They fail.

Man brings old creatures back to life.

they get pissed off.

He goes in anyway.

Voice tells him to build baseball pitch.
Man plays baseball with his dead Dad.
Thousands of men with runny eyes complain of hay fever.

Without the 'shagging his mother' bit. Although the sister looks a bit tasty.

BOO!

lovely little girl with odd haircut helps her friends and neighbours and gets the bloke she fancies.

by huge flocks of birds.
Several injured or dead, miraculously no bird shit.

the expression "The islanders are renowned for their warm welcome"

with speech impediment is cured and makes big Kingly speech.

S**t!.

To go to national finals or something. That bit doesn't really matter.

...err, where was I now? Hang on, I think I wrote it down... what was I looking for again?

s(t)inks

goes to a school disco and has a bloody terrible night.

are best avoided.

only with Meryl Streep.

is surprisingly effective.

forgot to contact Bell to go unlisted.

Nice one Centurion etc

hallucinates Brad Pitt in pimpwear after unexpected brush with Meatloaf's manboobs.

do it without lubrication.

do it without lubrication.

***and they always reciprocate***

that ballet shoes appeared to be available in County Durham.

For a bloke!

simply because Ned Beatty has a pretty mouth...

Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood shoot everyone in Austria with 2 ammo clips then get on a bus.

successfully wears a hat.

Apart from the penguin

17 year old moves to London, phew

Some kung fu happens

really should have married Kristen Scott-Thomas

Leads to world domination

killing his wife. Makes friends with bloke who looks a bit like Nelson Mandela and someone from Ally McBeal. Escapes.

has very shit Christmas.

with variable results.

...that the Sixties failed

Yes it is a disaster and stop calling me Shirley.

Getaway is not without incident.

Popular beat combo scamper hither and yon, incurring all manner of contretemps and set-to's. Includes a hurt field.

go away on a canoeing weekend in hillbilly country, where they encounter an autistic banjo picker and some mountain men.

Unpleasantness ensues.

Head hillbilly tells fat buddy he's got a "real purdy mouth" before instructing him to "squeal little piggy".

Male cinema-goers instinctively look away en masse.

Falls down a toilet. Sinks into the floor. Upset by miraculous low flying infant. Robert Carlyle does some swearing.

is the Messiah.

Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche break the furniture and a few other things.

11-1,10-2,9-3,8-4,7-5,6-6,5-7,4-8,3-9,2-10,1-11, Not Guilty.

1. Adoption pans out really badly.

2. Temporary hotel caretaker’s job pans out really badly.

3. Inclement coastal weather conditions pan out really badly.

4. Demonic possession pans out really badly.

Girl kicks herself after over complicating what turned out to be a relatively simple journey back to Kansas.

Dead good, dead scary, dead priest.

about toys

Tangles with transvestite in Vegas and on an oil rig

...works his way up from a lowly position.

Kills precieved enemies to get ahead.

Either feels bad or enjoys it.

Makes money, enjoys money.

Becomes suspicious of boss, or people connected thereof.

Is betrayed / dies.

In a hail of bullets with blood going psssssssshhhhhhhhhhh.

...are irritating.

Blame beer. I do.

Left... left a bit more. That's it.

Jimmy Stewart fails to get off with Kim Novak. Twice. Can't look down.

A man knows too much

Doesn't look at lasses knickers as much you'd hope.

Then moves again thanks to Michael Rennie's Jesus impression

The befriends a Frenchman

Big-eared bloke sings

Then loses his limp

Machete action

Windows XP crashes - useless help desk. Spaceship goes wrong. Old man in premier Inn.

because it was just a matter of going

Get shot with arrows

"Actually, it's an ape..."

gets comeuppance

1 to 100.

...go to fucking Bruges...they fucking swear a lot and fucking moan at each fucking other...another fucking bloke goes to fucking Bruges and fucking shoots them.

takes a job as an assistant to a grumpy, blind, retired Army officer.

Cue much shouting and general rudeness. But it's OK cos he's blind.

...and I think the film's already been done above, but still worth mentioning: -

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

(Google it if you draw a blank.)

Get weaving and see this film!

Despite constant carping from his ageing British butler, spoilt alcoholic multi-millionaire gets the girl from 'Cabaret'.

Small folk travel a long way to chuck a magic ring down a volcano.

Handsome English army officer dresses up as an Arab and struts around desert blowing up trains to upset the Turks.

Six foot white rabbit leads drunkard to psychiatry.

US Mail helps man prove he is Santa Claus.

Frenchman plays Scottish swordsman, Scot playsh Egyptian mashquerading as a Shpanish fencer. Badly.

Middle aged bloke pulls young hottie. She dies.

Space Soldiers fight hard-to-kill Aliens.

Dances with Wolves on Pandora

Dances with Wolves in Japan

Dances with Wolves in Japan

Also:

No girls, six guys, one cup. (And some coconut shells.)

Murder on the Orient Express. By everyone.

After a build-up that seemed to take forever, two boys and a girl do very little of interest in a tent for most of the film. Audience leaves in disappointment, hoping the follow-up will tie up loose ends. Sadly, Blair Witch 2 is even worse.

Aliens travel millions of miles to catch a cold.

Or get fucked over by a computer virus.

Or water.

Or Arnie in a facepack.

Yank backpacker is attacked by Yorkshire lycanthrope and taken to the nearest hospital. It's in London, apparently.

Precinct 9 gets assaulted, despite title.

Borat presents xenophobic, much-maligned picture of backwards country, invoking wrath of its proud natives. Tail between his legs, he returns to Kazakhstan.

Long-awaited messiah of the future (The One) is finally discovered by freedom fighters-cum-world's most inept anagram solvers.

So-called children's movie ends in highly dubious fashion with Axel Foley-voiced donkey fulfilling the promise of the title of Bruce Lee's final film.

Clint is clearly 'the good', but fans argue about the other two for decades.

Just remember you're supposed to be German, then the escape will be as good as was promised. (One slip, though, and you'll be condemned to a career forever associated with Lewis Collins.)

True love = no more Sonny and Cher.

Bloke invents fake documentary about fake workplace. Hollywood gives him big budget. Bloke invents God. Budget never seen again.

Head bashing in gay bar. Bum bashing in subway. Bummer.

Lad gets bird. Brother kills bird. Yorkshire Tourist Board shares plummet.

Irritating, no-hoper becomes toast of late-night US TV, despite having no discernible talent. (Doesn't feature Adam Sandler, surprisingly.)

Dreadful stage musical which should by all accounts be a flop becomes surprising smash hit. (See also Mamma Mia.)

Unarmed, weedy American mathematician Dustin Hoffman takes on a gang of burly, gun-wielding Cornish manual labourers. Wins. Could happen.

That Mary... can't quite put my finger on it...

Failed actor Dustin Hoffman drags up. Seemingly intelligent bloke falls for the horrifying result. Could happen.

Hilarious 'documentary' about deluded band touring America, despite being well past their sell-by date. Funniest bits: highly embarrassing visit to Elvis's grave, nonsensical soundbites from their singer and guitarist, the duet with BB King.

Eponymous hero Darren Boot gets into fearful scrapes with his U-boat crew.

'I didn't know it was that kind of camp, did I Bernie?'

drops snowglobe, pegs it.

Canals. Perving. Mahler.

Heavy pecking.

Rock misses sunbather.
Film follows.

Banjos. Bumming.

Midgets. A map.

From the Daily Record TV listing many years ago:

3.30pm: Forty Guns To Apache Pass.
"A Western"
No shit there Sherlock.

what stick out at yer.

Finds Hannibal Smith

And he can't sing

...cobbled together lady with memorable hair, take this lumbering metaphor to be your husband? Will you love, honour and keep him as long as you both shall live?"

"Jog on."