IT REALLY WORKS IN THEORY!

So how does it work?

Let’s say, for example, that a member of the 1980s American pop rock band Mr. Mister has spent a delightful evening in the company of a young lady called Judith. Meanwhile, just down the road, a member of Bananarama is having an absolutely dreadful time of it with a young gentlemen called Clovis. Both artists feel compelled to immortalise their experiences in song and include the name of their dates either in the lyrics or in the title. These songs are entered into our database where they join other songs about similarly-named individuals. Over time we are able to build-up a profile of a stereotypical Judith or Clovis which we then pass on to our members.

IT MAKES DATING SO EASY?

All you have to do is ask someone their name and you will instantly know whether you are compatible with them or not. What’s more, if you dislike a particular band or artist, you can choose to exclude their song from the profile, ensuring that only musicians who you respect will determine your romantic future.

OUR DATABASE IS CONTINUALLY BEING MODIFIED!

On their previous album, Half Man Half Biscuit bemoaned the general lack of songs about Joyce. We at 'Two Hearts' have also noticed this gap in our dating knowledge. On their next album HMHB should write another song that delves deeper into Joyce’s qualities and perhaps includes a list of her turn-offs, turn-ons and favourite restaurants, so that we can build-up a better profile of her.

READ SAMPLE PROFILES FROM OUR HOT WEBSITE!

MARY – BUCOLIC OUTDOOR TYPE, FOND OF GULLIES!

In 1976, The Sutherland Brothers charted with their song Arms of Mary. Here we learn that Mary has a full compliment of arms. In fact it’s possible that since her arms are the focus of the song, she has more than two; perhaps as many as four, or even six! A more likely scenario is that she has the normal amount of arms, but is adept at using them in the art of love. The lyrics would seem to back this up, suggesting that Mary is a good foundation-level girlfriend who knows the ropes and is more than happy to pass on her knowledge.

The Sutherland Brothers' groundwork was expanded upon considerably by Nick Cave in his song Your Funeral, My Trail where he reports “one thousand Marys lured me into gullies damp with clover.”

Although Mr Cave neglects to inform us how large his sample size was (If his results were compiled from a group of one million Marys, then 1000 is statistically insignificant for our purposes). Nevertheless this extraordinary piece of research would appear to peg Mary as a rangy, outdoor type, prone to wandering off the beaten track and rambling over rugged moorland.

This observation is supported by the Jimi Hendrix song - The Wind Cries Mary and also by Zwan in Mary Star Of The Sea which would seem to indicate that Mary has some experience as a professional sailor, in the vein of Dame Ellen MacArthur.

If your ideal date is a quiet night in front of Coronation Street then Mary is certainly not for you! You are more likely to find her in the Welsh mountains scaling Lord Hereford’s Knob.

JACK – NEVER A DULL MOMENT WITH THIS VOLATILE SOCIOPATH!

In John Cougar (Mellencamp)’s song - Jack and Diane, Jack divides his time between feeling up his girlfriend and plotting his escape from the small town where he has grown up. Evidently his plans came to fruition as, according to Billy Joel, Captain Jack will save you from a life of ennui, idle masturbation and nose picking (hopefully not with the same hand) by getting you high and taking you to his special island!

Other songwriters note a darker side to his character. Johnny Cash recalls Boss Jack riding a horse as “mean as the devil.” Meanwhile, Carole King remembers Smackwater Jack as being fond of waving a shotgun about.

According to The Chameleons, Mad Jack ”masturbates the madness in you,” which sounds thoroughly unpleasant and perverse. They also advise that you “trust him about as far as you can piss.” My scientific calculator lacks the function that converts units of distance into units of trust but I imagine that this isn't a ringing endorsement.

Jack is an exciting and dangerous character. He may betray or even murder you, but you’ll probably have a lot of fun with him up until that point.

OUR MANY TESTIMONIALS FROM UNHAPPY CUSTOMERS WILL ONLY CONFUSE AND DISILLUSION YOU!

At ‘Two Hearts’ we make sure that we retain our high standards by never trusting a hippie or a word that comes out of Kylie Minogue’s mouth. We are committed to undertaking acts of murder and piracy, both on the high seas and in space, to ensure that an adequate level of customer service is provided at all times. If you are unhappy with any of your matches, feel free to write a song about your experience and then release it on a major record label, such an Warner or EMI, so that we can add it to our database.

words fail me.

So "Whoo-hoo!" will have to do. (This is a ringing endorsement.)

Employ this man, Development Hell!

you should try bellowing Abacabadabra?

Brilliant, where do I sign up?

... when video dating worked so well?

The collected works of Backwards7 would make a great book ?
titfer doffed.

Brian Eno informs us that Frank is "blank", and furthermore he "is the messenger of your doom and your destruction" and "Will look at you sideways".
Better give -him- a miss, girls!

The Monkees' "Mary Mary" may distort her profile a little. The line "Mary Mary, where ya goin' to?" indicates a lack of direction, perhaps even a certain existential confusion.

Or it might not. Anyway, B7 is one more reason to be cheerful in this, my lunch hour. Thanks again (:-)

PS. The Druthers Scale never really equalled their legendary debut, did they?

Sally might want to be avoided too, if a predilection for her uncle is anything to go by. Not sure her bald head is a mass marketeer's dream anyway.

Nods approvingly in Backwards' direction and slopes off wishing he could write like that.

Every new slice of brilliance from b7 is starting to feel like new Smiths product made me feel in the 80s. Stunning, staggeringly funny stuff....

Laugh out loud funny and pleasingly demented.

Its a bloody sight funnier than the one page humour piece in the early pages of the New Yorker manages in an average year, and very much in the same vein. Brilliant