Intelligent Life On Planet Rock
Peaches Geldof, like, edits a magazine and MTV make a TV show out of it - who's taking who for a ride here?
Because we're "in the trade" we've taken more interest than most in MTV's latest bold step into tabloid television - in which Peaches Geldof attempts to edit a magazine.
If we told you that what she knows about magazines could be written on a throat lozenge, that her "editing" appears to consist mainly of issuing edicts to the "staff" about which bands she considers acceptable prior to buggering off to California, that she plans to do the whole thing in black, white and silver, that the advertising sales effort appears to consist of ringing up people and saying "would you like to advertise?" and that she is conveyed from one place to another in chauffeur-driven cars, you presumably wouldn't be at all surprised.
But what I want to know is this. In the great snake pit that is the contemporary sleb industry exactly who is taking who for a ride in this case?
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Got to hand it to her
The aim to produce a magazine that is "underground and anti-mainstream" allows her to say its what I wanted when the magazine dies on its arse. Clever.
Nobody
The awful truth is that neither party can really lose from this deal.
MTV get a telly program irrespective of whether Peachy Peach succeeds or fails. Their ambitions or so low that as long as they have 2 hours of footage of her walking around then they can make a schedule-filler with it.
On the other hand, Peachy Peach has ambitions that don't go beyond maintaining her status as a micro-celbrity. She doesn't care what actually happens in the program as long as she's on telly. Luckily for her, this program doesn't even require plastic surgery or an on-screen rectal examination.
From this you'd probably deduce that the real loser is the viewer of the program (and reader of the magazine, should it ever appear). Luckily, their expectations are so low that 12 hours of some almost-nobody-with-less-to-say-than-themselves occasionally walking around will pass for entertainment. And can the magazine be any worse than the other Celeb mags? no. not possible.
You are far too generous Mr Hepworth.
I'll venture that the surface of a Mighty Imp might be too large a space in which to record the Peachy one's knowledge of anything at all beyond sex and shopping without serious risk of its being lost to mankind for all time.
Be careful what you wish for
Her first issue might feature a bearded scruffy musician bloke on the cover.
Dad.
You should be safer inside unless you have a Word feature upcoming on Paris, Britney, Kerry, Jordan, Madonna, Posh, Turgid, Minge, Blossom, Tart or Fluff-E.
Innit.
I hate to be coarse...
but I wish this woman would just fuck off
I wish all...
those celebs would! Is it just me or has the whole thing gone completely out of control?
This would be the very same "wonderful girl"
who told the paramedics to fuck off and not to be invading her space as they tried to save her life after her recent overdose.
The same "wonderful girl" who expects her recent whirlwind marriage to fail.
And the same "wonderful girl" who likes to take the money and run as she did for a recent proposed DJ gig for a House Of Fraser launch in Dublin, just up the road from where her dad went to school, where she turned up took the lolly and legged it.
Oh yes You'd be proud to have Peaches as your daughter wouldn't you Bob.
Peaches, Kerry Katona, MTV. Just what the nation needs to make everything OK.
But I put to you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
...Andrew Harrison and I have spent half an hour discussing this programme today. Therefore it must have considerable entertainment value. I would furthermore suggest that, up to a certain point, irritation is an arm of the entertainment industry, provided it is spiced with a comforting sense of superiority.
Why?
Much more enjoyable watching the South African MP falling off his chair - played over and over in our office and we stll chortle like mad.
Peaches is no threat to you. Honest. So relax.
It's because your in the trade
and your trade is more glamorous than most. Frankly, if she was going to run a Procurement department in a large IT company, my colleagues and I would get 30 minutes of discussion out of it (more probably - we're an opinionated lot).
Tell you what
Our office is nothing like as nice as hers.
An office is made of the people
I bet yours is nicer than hers.
Bet she produces a better cover as well
.......................*cough* .....I must go pee pee.
Oh it does have entertainment value
And maybe MTV have it sussed. Because they know she is such a weapon that the masses will, will her to fail.
I just don't like her or all that crap she stands for and I also will will her to fail.
So it will work and against my better judgement I will know all about it. My wife is involved in the beauty trade and she will have all the magazines who cover this stuff and I as a dutiful husband will read them as I devour my cornflakes.
I don't want my MTV
Have a lot to answer to this week. I think I will boycott the station now.
Not that I have watched it. Ever.
So..
...that'll learn 'em.
I'm Nostalgic
for the days when MTV actually played some music
I've just counted
I have 29 music channels. I never watch any of them.
You are too busy
Playing on the internet. As Mrs Beany is fond of saying.
I know it is easy to get addicted to watching TV but what would the condition be called where someone is addicted to being on TV?
Is there a doctor in the house?
I think it's called being a D-List celebrity...
When the only way of propping up your self-worth is to count the column inches/air time you get, regardless of whatever product you may or may not be flogging to the public (step forward Victoria Beckham), then you've probably hit the absolute acme of the Celebrity Shitheap.
"It's not that I don't want to give him the oxygen of publicity - I don't want to give him the oxygen of oxygen." Linda Smith on Jeffrey Archer (I think)
I wonder.....
I wonder if there'll be an episode based on her subscription vs newsstand strategy - I'd be interested to hear her views.
Next week...
...Peaches is hit by a 30% rise in paper prices and tries to met her Retail Display Allowance budget.
Don't underestimate the girl
Prepare to be amazed as Peaches achieves a coup by selling-in a cover-mounted gift to Archers - namely a trustafarian beanie hat made-to-order in China for a fraction of your CD. Gasp in disbelief as she harrangues the Chinese manufacturer over schedules and quality control AND hires a freight-forwarder to track said item through its ocean voyage. Be lost for words as she clears said-item with the government authorities to ensure that she is not about to inflict her entire readership with SARS.
Giggle with schadenwhateveritis as after all of that she achieves 15% efficiency in WH Smiths and some small independent retail outlets, and Doris puts her Waterloo station copies upside down with back cover facing out.
or......
Peaches goes for cheap acqusisition offers chasing ABCs but neglects to take into account the subsequent renewal rates. Viewers will be flocking......
Guess t'editor: Has Word considered the idea?
With a non-idiot famous person from firmly within the ambit of the Wordiverse doing the editing? I could certainly see an issue put together by, say, Nick Lowe or Kate Bush (or, failing them, Bernard Cribbins or Janette Krankie). And I'm sure Mr Ellen wouldn't mind. In fact, I think that squeaking sound you can hear is him peeling on his wetsuit already.
Aaah
The smell of talcum powder.
Why not get an idiot to edit it?
Surely that would be more fun?
Archie stop it
That last remark was in darned bad taste. Poor Mark can't help it. I had to watch the South Atrican MP falling off his chair again to control my laughter.
Squeak!
And this is the magnificence you can all look forward to
From America's Nylon magazine.
http://www.nylonmag.com/?section=article&parid=2154
Craig Brown wrote that
Didn't he? And if backwards7 wasn't the author of at least half the comments I'll eat my vintage 70s fedora sold to me for 5 bucks and a Hershey Kisses by a 7 year old wearing a bin bag and eyeliner in Duluth, Minnesota.
CHAIRMAN_LMAO
I wish I'd thought of that.
Can you please fix it for
Can you please fix it for Peaches to write the next And Another Thing column. I believe that Word readers are deeply in need of her profound wisdom. Only 19? Phew, who'd believe it?
Reality
If it turns out that the entire programme is a set-up, I won't be surprised. It could yet be an elaborate prank on hapless Peaches* - the "staff" are actually played by very good actors. That Camilla is too good to be true.
It's compulsive, nonetheless. And you don't have to work in magazines to appreciate it. In fact, it's a disadvantage, as you keep thinking, hang on, that's not what making a magazine is like.
Best bit: the progamme is called PEACHES: DISAPPEAR HERE. If you go on the MTV website where the clips are, it says WATCH PEACHES DISAPPEAR HERE. If only.
*Not much of a prank, admittedly, as it still get her, like, on TV?
Oh how I wish for that to be true
It would be genuinely funny. Trouble is I doubt MTV would want to get on the wrong side of the Geldof family.
Heres hoping anyway.
I can see it now
Peaches Geldof to replace BOTH Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand at the BBC. Wish I was her agent now.