Entertainment For Lively Minds
One Cheese, One Fruit, One Soft Drink
Posted by Bodhisattva on 30 March 2011 - 5:09pm.
So, a sort of law is passed saying from now on you, yes you, can only have one sort of cheese, fruit and soft drink (no fruit juice). Everything else in your diet remains as it was, it's just these three items that are being rationed. The man will be round in an hour to take your order which will last till you die.
What do you choose? Me? I say,
Cheddar (no apologies)
Apple
Cream soda.
That'll do me, that.
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I would choose a nice...
... sharp Cheddar.
Strawberries (this is California, after all, and strawberries are plentiful & cheap).
Milk.
The Government have
The Government have disallowed milk BD, sorry. They count it as a food. You need something with bubbles in it or else it's jail I'm afraid. Don't be a martyr.
Something that's got bubbles in it?
There's a Michael Jackson joke in there somewhere but I'm much too polite to say it.
If it absolutely has to have bubbles, I'll take San Pellegrino mineral water. I'm not a fan of fizzy soda pop.
One cheese, one fruit, one soft drink
What's that? The John Lee Hooker detox?
You drive a hard bargain Mr B.
But if such a law was passed it would have to be...
Mozzarella. (Otherwise pizza would be permanently off the menu. And that would never do.)
Strawberry.
Dandelion and Burdock.
I'm not a fruit person
Really strong cheddar
A tomato
Carrot or tomato juice. Don't want to overdo it on the tomatoes though.
NO!
The government have clearly laid it out in the above manifesto. NO fruit juices.
Oh
Well I don't like fizzy drinks, so if not water then it'll have to be Ribena or a lime cordial.
That said, I'm quite fond of root beer or ginger ale.
Carrot = vegetable
I vote 5C gets his carrot juice.
*pedantic face*
Brie de Meaux, so ripe you could pour it
Fruit's tricky - mango or peach
Irn Bru
Mmmm
A strong, waxy cheddar
Rhubarb (it's officially a fruit in US law, even though most people consider it a vegetable)
Bundaberg ginger beer.
Your rhubarb
is allowed. Though before anyone gets smart about "fruit" classification - coffee beans are not.
Three from me
Stilton
Raspberries
Elderflower cordial
Buffalo mozzarella, blueberries, diet Coke.
And I'm done.
Three more..
Gruyere
Orange
Lowenbrau alcohol-free beer
(is that allowed as a soft drink, Bodhisattva?)
No.
The government have declared alcohol-free beer a crutch not a soft drink. Choose again.
Okay..
Tonic then.
Accepted
This has checked out.
Easy for me
No cheese - can't abide the bloody stuff.
Conference pears
Vimto
I thought I was alone
in my hatred of cheese. Its nice to know there are others out there who have to explain this endlessly to people. Sometimes its got quite heated
But I would take
a mango (the big yellow Pakistani ones)
Coke zero
If Cheese is not wanted
you may choose a variety of nut (which, lest we forget, is the only food that is made of wood). No other substitutions allowed.
In which case
cashews
Bless
you.
The Prince Of Nuts
Pistachios
Hmmm
Stilton.
Mango.
Milk.
I'm screwed
I don't eat raw cheese and I don't drink soft drinks other than fruit juice.
A banana
I'd rather go with George Thorogood and have One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer
You beat me to it...
When I saw the subject, I assumed that song was what the thread was about.
It is because of just such slack
...decadence that these strictures are needed.
wensleydale with ginger and
wensleydale with ginger and mango
pears
diet coke
good shout
I usually detest cheese with fruit in but that Wensleydale/Mango/Ginger is delightful.
However, do you not - technically - now have TWO fruits (perhaps we should even consider Ginger to be a fruit*). I think you may have found a loophole.
*I always felt his relationship with Biggles had certain 'undertones'.
The Government have wrestled with this...
...and the decision was that "spiked" cheeses are allowable. However anyone found separating the fruit pieces from the body of cheese for black market distribution will face the stiffest penalties.
that's a relief ...
if disallowed I was going to alter my choices to Wensleydale, mango and ginger beer and improvise.
I went to Morrisons once
They were selling cheese with bits of toffee in.
I haven't shopped there since.
*whooshing noise and cloud of dust
as member of Massive becomes Billy Whizz and disappears towards Morrisons*
Cheese! With toffee in!
Why wasn't I informed earlier?
If you like toffee cheese
then you might enjoy Norweigan Fudge Cheese
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/01/07/dining/a-toast-for-a-humble-norwegian-...
Nicer than it sounds, but I made the mistake of buying a huge wedge of it last year... a little taste was actually all I wanted, it got rather sickly rather quickly.
'Nicer than it sounds'
I don't think it could sound nicer, Hannah.
Norwegian Fudge Cheese. Even typing the words out has caused an artery to harden.
What'll they think of next? Cheese with sponge cake in it I'll be bound.
Hang on...
In Monty Python's famed 'cheese shop sketch'
One of the cheeses requested by an increasingly frustrated Michael Palin is 'Norwegian Beaver Cheese'.
A more innocent age.
Surely the Python Beaver Cheese
hails from Venezuela?
I stand corrected
(doffs cap)
(Cap equally doffed)
in courteous response
Aaargh
Gjetost?
I tried that once.
Nasty, nasty, evil stuff.
Oh yes
That's the one
Bit too much for me...
Has to be:
Mexicana Cheddar
Pineapple
Vimto (cordial variety, not fizzy)
The FPO is out tonight. I think you've just sorted out my what to have for tea dilemma.
I've just googled Mexicana Cheddar
It sounds bloody amazing. Where do you buy it?
I've bought it from
well known grocers J.S********s. But be warned, it's not without after-effects, as have other chilli-based cheeses.
to be fair....
chillies are renowned for their after-effects, I wouldn't have imagined that the addition of cheese tempers it very much...
Lovely
Vacherin Mont d'Or
Cox Apple
and Ginger Beer.
Bloody Marvellous.
My 3
Mozzarella - For the reason given by Paul W.
Tomato - Ditto
Coke - Elixir of the Gods. Rotten-toothed Gods, admittedly.
Ooh...
Brie
Lychees
Diet Cherry Coke
I'd choose...
Cheddar (Montgomery's)
Apple (James Grieve)
Lemonade (Fentiman's)
Hmmm, let's see...
Cheddar (no apologies from me either)
Apple
& I'm torn between Vimto & Diet Coke. I'll go with the Coke.
well, since you ask
strong Lancashire - the sort that takes the skin off the roof of your mouth
Russett Apple. Has to be russett. accept no substitute
Vimto - non fizzy
I completely and entirely love this thread.
But gawd it's hard to decide on my choices.
Possibly - gorgonzola and grapes (as I love eating them together).
But then, a wedge of parmesan or mature cheddar is so wonderful...
Hmmmm.
OK...
Cheese - parmesan. It has to be parmesan.
Fruit - do lemons count here? because I squeeze them on everything and couldn't do without them, but it's not like I ever cheerfully munch into one...
Drink - I pretty much exclusively drink water. But I'd like an endless supply of milk as my soft drink, as I'm partial to a glass of the stuff now and then.
Let me see...
Yarg (Cornish cheese, it's all wrapped in leaves)
Raspberries
Ginger Beer
They're not leaves
they're nettles and its called yarg because the originator's name was Gray. You should specify the Yarg to be room temperature otherwise you lose a lot of the flavour
I would not welcome these 3 at the same sitting
However, FWIIW
Stilton
Orange
pepsi
Not One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer
but
Cheese - Strong Vintage Cheddar
Fruit - I do like a Pomegranate, but a Watermelon is equally as good
(I really like melons)
Soft Drink - Ginger Beer
Those squeezy tubes
of squishy stuff, 'prawn' flavour.
Cherry tomatoes
Ribena
Right now?
Bastardo del Grappa
Bing Cherries
Dr Pepper
OK, here are mine
1. Arico (from Tenerife)
If you haven't tried the old Queso Arico, fellow Massivers, then you really ought to. It's absolutely yummy. And it was voted "World Cheese of the Year" in 2008. So it must be good.
2. Raspberries. No, nectarines. It's a tie!
3. A proper French sparkling apple juice can be pretty good.
No apple juice
The committee ruling is very clear. Fruit juice is, quite literally, squeezing in a second fruit. Something fizzy or un-natural is within the law.
My apologies, Mr Bodhi, sir
Let me see now ... well, I quite like that San Pellegrino Italian mineral water stuff.
My 3
A rough Camembert (eaten with peasant bread and cheap red wine)
A perfect peach eaten outside in england in August without a napkin
And an ice cream float (lemonade with a lump of vanilla in it) any time
OK
Secreted in my lunchbox, ahem.. I require
Yorkshire Blue
Pineapple
Fentiman's Ginger Beer (lashings of)
I notice...
That no-one has selected Casu Marzu as their cheese of choice. Yet.
Oh god.
I'll have nightmares.
According to the wikipedia entry, that's considered to be an aphrodisiac in Sardinia. *mind boggles*
unless there's another (French) version
I've eaten that - a picnic near Dijon. We thought the cheese had gone seriously off - only found out it was meant to have live maggots in it later. Sounds strange to say, I know, but the cheese itself is rather bland and unmemorable.
I did have a knob the size of Heathrow airport that night though.
My three
Wensleydale
Raspberries
Tonic water
Stilton
Grapes
Port*
*yes, it is a soft drink. Try ordering one when you're out with the lads.
Port is Disallowed.
Unless a legitimate soft drink is stated the law is to enforce you to consume "Crunch" a peanut flavoured fizzy beverage from the 1980s. So, what's it to be?
Could we request an appeal hearing
regarding the Port please? Only I must concur with the Captain, that if he did indeed order a glass of Port while out with the lads we would consider it a soft drink somewhat akin to Tizer.
I'm Afraid "The Lads"...
...will be receiving their own visit from the ministry. The time for larking is over my friend. Unless we all toe the line on this one, further strictures will be implemented. There is already talk of One Cereal, One Spread, One Hot Beverage.
Sorry.
I didn't mean it, the bigger boys made me say it.
For the record...
...it's porridge, Patum Peperium and Twining's English Breakfast, thanks for asking.
Ideally not in the same receptacle.
I'm not sure spreads don't deserve their very own thread. There is so much joy to be had from putting things on toast.
(BTW, Gauntlet - "gentleman's relish")
Sudden panic.
Mr Bodhisattva, sir - please tell me that it's spreads IN ADDITION to butter, not INCLUDING butter? *tugs forelock nervously*
While we're about it, can we actually BAN all butter substitutes, margarines and other ersatz yellow shit in tubs?
Me? What's This To Do With Me?
I am merely the conduit for information that I assumed was already common knowledge. Any new initiatives - re: your butter - will be forthcoming.
Ah...
*savours the salty sensation of some Gentleman's Relish*
Hank's Root Beer
from Philadelphia. Best root beer in the US. Or, failing that, Boylan's Birch Beer.
Smoked Applewood
Clementines.
Thanks. Any table?
Brie Any time of small easy
Brie
Any time of small easy peel oranges
Lucozade
Mine
Really strong cheddar
White grapes
Orangina
Welcoming the cheese overlords
Emmental
Apple
Ginger ale
Call me sophisticated
Cheesy Wotsits
Foamy Bananas
Cresta
Oh, OK then, double Gloucester with pickled onion, freshly picked cherries and lashings of home-made semi-alcoholic ginger beer or lemonade. And a packet of Rennies.
As A Punishment
for the initial facetiousness then hoping to sneak a "semi-alcoholic" beverage in, the committee has ruled you will only receive the pickled onion once a fortnight. There is no appeal. You have only yourself to blame. However regular ginger beer will be allowed.
The pickled onion
is in the cheese. And as for the initial facetiousness, I'll swap the Cresta for Cola flavour chews.
The Ruling Is Final bassclef.
Any pickled onion it situ will be hollowed out on alternate weeks. There may be a residue of flavour which possibly will yield some satisfaction. The Cresta/Cola chews request is denied.
Here's mine
Gruyere
Mango (from Bowen North Queensland)
Ginger Beer
Thinks hard...
Boursin
Banana
Diet Coke
We Can Expect
the usual "but a banana is not a fruit" distractions on this but the documents governing this decree - available through the Post Office - have decided that specific genus should not outweigh populist idea. That is, if it's in the fruit section in Tesco, it's fruit.
Oooh !
Old Manchego cheese fermented in oil
Mandarin
Lilt
My tuppence ha'p'orth
Proper Irish cheddar (preferably the orange-hued stuff)
Raspberries
Schweppes Ginger Ale
and a tip o' the tweed cap to Bodhisattva for such enlightened invigilating.
Thank God there's no real ale/cabbage law...
...although at least people would be able to stand downwind from me
OK....
....
Dunlop from Islay
Cox's Pippin
Irn Bru
Right then.
Cheddar. The industrial stuff with veins starting to appear in it which Paxton and Whitfield sell wrapped in waxed paper. By the time you get home, you can hear it growling at you in the bag. Proper Cheddar.
Cherries. Spanish Picota cherries. The nicest in the World. This assumes I'm still allowed to keep my lemons for cooking with. If not then, like Hannah, the lemons win out. But I want Spanish ones. Unwaxed. With leaves on.
Coke. Proper Coca-Cola. From the can, please. Not the bottle. And very cold. A true guilty pleasure for me.
Yum
M & S Cornish Cruncher
Strawberry - only British ones, in season
Bottle Green Lemongrass and Ginger Cordial
This could turn out to be a bad week for the Chubby Checkers...
Cheese: Krutrök ( lovely strong Swedish hard cheese flavoured with vodka, from a dairy in Umeå, name meaning Gunpowder )
Fruit: Strawberries.
Soft drink: Schweppes Russchian, or Portello
Hmmm ... Krutrök låter rätt spännande
Vet du var man kan få tag på den i Stockholm?
Tur att du frågade
jag har själv letat - länge sedan jag hittade den, så jag googlade just och det visar sig att de har bytt namn på osten!
Nu heter den Norrglimt ( löjligt namn ).
Inte konstigt att jag har fått gå utan!
You're just...
...testing whether the special characters shortcuts work, aren't you?
Mine
Cheese : White Stilton (not the blue stuff)
Fruit : Raspberries. No contest.
Drink; Don;t tend to take soft drinks other than fruit juice, but at a push it would be Ice Lemon Tea
because life wouldn't be worth living
without my all-time favourite sandwich
cheddar
tomato
soda water - can be mixed with so many other things to construct something more interesting
Here we go
Cheddar - strong and smelly,like Lenny (or rather his cheese selection)
Pineapple - got to be lacally grown and freshly cut. Difficult to find around Birmingham but more straightforward when holidaying in French Polynesia. Breakfast of the Gods. And contributes to a mighty fine Pina Colada too, along with the local coconut.
Caffeine free Diet Coke
My choices
Real Yorkshire Wensleydale & Cranberries
Grapes
Diet Dr. Pepper
Hmmm
A decent Cheddar
Some apples, preferably Coxs
Irn Bru
Not sure if it's cos of being an ex-choirboy, but I immediately thought of "One Church! One Faith! One Lord!" when reading the title of this thread.
Cheeses? Christ.
Mine would go like this:
Emmental
Grapes
Dandelion & Burdock.
Cumulativley lethal. I wouldn't pull my finger after I've been at that lot.
Took me ages to pick a fruit...
Arran Smoked Garlic
Banana
Irn Bru
No cheese here either
Nasty stuff !
Fruit: pink grapeftuit (not white, not red, just pink)
soft drink: Britvic 55 Orange (so happy it's widely available again)
I'm a bit late
But I'll have
a nice ripe Brie
A nice ripe Comice pear
Coke Original
The Iron Grip of Cheese-Based Oppression
Manchego, Papaya, Root Beer
*manly belch*
"The Iron Grip of Cheese-Based Oppression"
TMFTL Surely ????
Here Goes
Red Leicester - nice on toast, with crackers or on its own.
Banana
Ocean Spray Cranberry juice cordial.
Damn that pesky government!
Comté
Apple
Ginger beer, but I'll be leading the Irn Bru riots when the revolution comes.
How about
Some Iced Tea
A Lychee
A nice Brie
Apples are too vague
A decent strong cheddar
A discovery apple
tizer
OK, so I'll have...
...some Gorgonzola Piccante
A perfectly ripe Tuscan peach, and
Some San Pellegrino.
Together they form a very acceptable Italian lunch. This would be improved by the addition of some 'pane rustica' but I understand such substances have been outlawed by the Government and so are no longer available. Gastronomic vandalism at its worst, say I.
A tonic for the troops
Indian Tonic Water (who's got the elicit gin?)
Creamy Lancashire (from just up the road from Mrs. Phil's mum)
Raspberries (freshly picked by my own sticky hands)
Creamy but Tangy
Creamy but tangy Lancashire cheese.
Pineapple.
Real Lemonade, unless Red Bull is acceptable.
Red Bull
IS acceptable.
Right, it has to be..
A whole Epoisses, teetering on the verge of liquidity.
A perfectly ripe Williams pear.
A good strong ginger beer.
Hang on, what about how you take your cheese?
Choosing one cheese is impossible, of course (although Cheddar lovers really should extend their horizons slightly and try Isle of Mull cheese). However, choosing how it's eaten is not such a hopeless task. That's because the finest way to eat cheese known to man is, of course, cheese on toast. Or "grilled cheese" if you want to be posh. And when it comes to cheese on toast, the connoisseur's choice is undobtedly a crumbly Lancashire, preferably Kirkham's Lancashire. And there you have it. Food of the Gods.
If you were going for a fruit to accompany that, well, the tried and tested grape option wouldn't let you down. Although if it was for afters, gimme tinned peaches any day. Washed down with a bottle of pineapple and orange Cresta.
You have been logged
as
Kirkham's Lancashire
Grapes
Cresta (as available)
(A recent all night sitting eventually decided that cheese-on-toast does not constitute a spread - thus moving your choice into the other of these threads - and so the government will not interfere with your chosen method of consumption here.)
Mmmm
Waitrose extra mature cheddar - strength 6
Banana
Vimto (fizzy not the still crap)
I like this
Cheese: Mull Cheddar (no contest)
Fruit: much harder - raspberries, nectarines come close, but probably fresh pineapple
Soft drink: not much fussed - I guess some evian or similar.
Spreadable Chilli Cheese
Strawberries
Lilt
My three
Manchego
Blood orange
Ginger Beer
Thanks Mr B for a top subject...
Don't make me choose!
If I must, it'll be:
Torta Basil
Mango (the sort that get brought in as baggage by people who've been to Pakistan; the yellow-skinned ones. Divine)
Diet cherry cola
OK...
Stilton
Grapes
Cranberry Juice
Art,
You know, I don't think that the stern adjudicator Mr Bodhishattva is going to let you have cranberry juice, somehow. Surely it comes under the 'fruit juice' category, which was expressly prohibited in the original post. Cross your fingers, but I fear you'll be receiving a stern reprimand from Mr Bodhi soon...
Thank You Duc01
For alerting me to this. As you say, Cranberry Juice is a sloppy mistake given the clear instructions set out in the initial post. I have noted elsewhere that people get too excited on official business postings and rush into simply what they believe the item to be about. It always pays to read the first posting.
I will give Art 24 hours to correct his choice but if there is no change he will be put on the sarsaparilla delivery list and his grapes will be alternated each week with a pine cone.
Choices seemed easy - this was surprising but don't know why
although there seemed to be a theme
pineapple - good for rum cocktails
ginger beer - goes well with dark rum
dolcelatte - doesn't really go with rum
Love the thread - had to register
First post.
Cheese - Snowdonia Black Bomber
Fruit - Cherries
Soft Drink - Homemade ginger beer (or Fentimans)
Welcome to the board, FunkyPenguin
(and I heartily approve of your cheese / fruit / drink choices)
While appreciating...
...your taking trouble to participate here FunkyPenguin I need assurances that when you say "Home Made Ginger Beer" this is merely using the advertising industry shorthand for something that is made in a huge vat in Sunderland. Any suggestion you are making the stuff yourself would be very dimly received.
Otherwise your choices are sound.
My international selection
Cheese: Jarlsberg (I could go for a rustic English one, a chalky goats cheese or a stinky blue - but a sweet Norwegian cheese? WTF? but nevertheless mmmmmm.)
Fruit: Alphonse mangoes from India. (You can get these over here at indian shops. They're orangy-yellow, are beautifully sweet and tasty and have no hint of sourness at all. However, they're only in season for a very short time in May - if you can't get them, Pakistani Honey mangos are a tiny bit bigger and almost as tasty)
Drink: Austrian Lemonade (which is not really lemonade at all, but a delicious sparkling elderflower drink, that they drink by the gallon in the Tyrol - vastly superior to cream soda, irn bru, mountain dew and ginger beer, which are all lush anyway)
Hmm bit of a foodie me. Probably explains why I'm a fat lad.
Whilst Officialdom
...can see no immediate objection to your considered choices here I think we know who to scowl at when there's a tax rise in September.
Fruit: Mango or
Fruit: Mango or strawberries. Kind of torn there.
Soft Drink: Diet Dr. Pepper
Cheese: Old White Cheddar