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My Tour Hell

Captain Underpants's picture

PhotobucketMy official job title on this, my first rock'n'roll tour of the United States, is 'Stashmule.' No one's really explained what my duties are yet - I think it might be something to do with making sure all the equipment is accounted for at the end of the show - but it certainly seems to be a fairly senior position in the crew hierarchy, as I didn't even have to pack my own bags for the flight from London! The roadies insisted on coming round and doing it for me.

I'm in New York with the David Ford Relative Luxury tour. It's called that partly because thanks to a Texan fan who's big in hotels, our 7th Avenue accommodation with its view of Times Square is a cut above the usual Travel Hovels and Off-Ramp Motels; and partly because Ford's mother is here with us. For the next 16 days and 3000 miles David will be promoting the US launch of his third album Let The Hard Times Roll, and his autobiographical handbook for young musicians wishing to dodge the slings and arrows of outrageous fame and wealth, I Choose This: How Not To Make It in the Music Business. I will be carrying things.

For last night's gig in Brooklyn I'd been told to stay out out the way, not touch anything, and stop insisting that Song For The Road would benefit from the additional of a ham-fisted amateur guitarist. HORA fans will be pleased to hear that yes, I do have access to the harmonicas. Not much chance of diva-ish behaviour from the boss, though, as Ford prepares for the show with a camomile tea with a lemon and honey chaser. Trust me to go on tour with the only clean living boy in New York. And his mum.

Jogging by the East River yesterday morning I passed lone musicians scattered between the Generating Station and the Brooklyn Bridge. A drummer, then an oboeist, then a saxophonist, and so on. It's a crap spot for busking, I thought, especially at 7.30am. Then I realised - these were all instruments you can't play quietly. When you live in a hi-rise, you go down to the river to practise.

By the way, New Yorkers are pretty sure the World's going to end next Saturday. Well, nearly - it'll be Judgement Day, the papers here say, when the process begins of choosing the Few who will ascend to heaven. Sounds like a logistical nightmare to me. Imagine the paperwork.

Anyhoo, I won't bore you with the What I Did On My Holiday journal. I do need some playlist help though. Finding New York-themed songs for the journey was easy, and the drive to Thursday's show in Asbury Park NJ will be Bruce all the way, but until then we're in Massachusetts and I've only got one song by the BeeGees and Roadrunner ("The modern sounds of modern Massachusetts"). There's only so many times you can listen to More Than a Feeling by Boston, ie none. I'm struggling with Philadelphia and Washington too.

See you in three weeks, if we're still here.

12

Stashmule

Didn't they appear on OGWT in about 1971?

1
man.of.soup | 16 May 2011 - 12:05pm

Elton John

Philadelphia Freedom.

And what about anything by Geno washington or AC-DC?

Seriously, hope you have a great tour Captain and don't disgrace yourself in front of Mrs Ford.

You can tell her from me that she should be proud that her son has turned out to be such a nice boy (or at least thats what Mrs toro thinks).

Here's hoping your extremely busy shifting boxes of books and CD's and making him a bob or two.

And I'm probably not alone in hoping you change your mind and that your tour diary finds its way onto here.

1
el toro calvo grande | 16 May 2011 - 12:06pm

Yes, please bore us!

.

0
Mark Godden | 16 May 2011 - 6:24pm

Living The Dream Captain

I'm a very jealous man.

Massachusetts - it must be Jonathan Richman on heavy rotation. Accept no substitute.

My other two favourite Boston groups were Scruffy The Cat and Treat Her Right, both introduced to me by an old mate of mine who moved over there about 25 years ago.

If I wasn't at work (cold, rainy Preston since you ask) I'd do a YouTube thing. But I am. So I can't.

Have fun!

0
Paul Waring | 16 May 2011 - 12:09pm

This should do the trick

0
McLongWhiteCloud | 16 May 2011 - 12:24pm

Stashmule

TMFTL

0
Mousey | 16 May 2011 - 12:33pm

I am deeply jealous.

Here is a tune:

Please tell yer man I'm enjoying his book. Is your van called Morrison? Do come back and tell us all about it.

0
katyg | 16 May 2011 - 12:42pm

Oboes. Saxophones. Joy unrivalled!

We've got a local bloke who gets kicked out of his house by his wife when he wants to practice his instrument and, instead, he stands up on the seawall in front of our house and very loudly and spectacularly ineptly runs through the same few songs on his bloody bagpipes. I'm tempted to tell him to bugger off but he's a big lad and looks a bit tasty.

1
Lenny Law | 16 May 2011 - 12:43pm

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Next time he plays outside your house, why not venture outside with a pair of cymbals and offer to be his percussion section?

2
Hannah | 16 May 2011 - 1:25pm

"By the way, New Yorkers are

"By the way, New Yorkers are pretty sure the World's going to end next Saturday."

I'd read this as the Word is going to end next Saturday, the relief when it was only the World was going to end. I mean if the Word finished what would I do?

2
hubertrawlinson | 16 May 2011 - 12:59pm

How about some

Philly soul - The O'Jays, Billy Paul and Harold Melvin ? Enjoy the trip and look forward to reading your end of tour diary !

0
Francis Barry-Walsh | 16 May 2011 - 1:15pm

Sounds wonderful.

And how nice that the roadies packed your bags for you! Did they pack lots of talcum powder, by any chance? ;-)

Have a splendid time!

0
Hannah | 16 May 2011 - 1:22pm

Loads!

They seem to need quite a lot more Pot Pourri than I expected too!

0
Captain Underpants | 16 May 2011 - 3:13pm

Any of those funny-smelling OXO cubes?

And, presumably, those syringes are for the sound engineer's diabetic granny? And the pills are her medicine. Her skin medicine. Because they're made by Dove, apparently.

0
Lenny Law | 16 May 2011 - 3:35pm

Tell David...

Less talk, more songs. I was at the very packed Borderline gig and just felt there wasn't enough tunes that night.
I knew it was a book launch as well though so I probably only have myself to blame.

0
Doug B | 16 May 2011 - 1:27pm

Boston you say?

Got to be this:

0
Lando Cakes | 16 May 2011 - 4:55pm

Philadelphia

The music from Rocky, or course.

Then please send us a video of you running Rocky-style up the steps of city hall and punching the air etc.

0
Fazackerly | 16 May 2011 - 5:08pm

...before collapsing into a wheezing pile of underpants

asking for his asthma inhaler and complaining that his knee's gone again..

1
stimpy | 16 May 2011 - 5:17pm

David Ford?

Weird. I've been listening to Easyworld's "Better Ways To Self Destruct" this week, and reliving my last year at school listening to "Junkies And Whores" in the locker rooms at volume. Good times roll indeed.

Playlist suggestions:

Salem - Streets Of Philadelphia (does some mean things to the song)
Magazine - Philadelphia
Hope Of The States - George Washington
M. Ward - Four Hours In Washington

or I suppose tracks by Washington Phillips the blues/gospel singer or Dinah Washington, the blues and rock and roll singer.

Alternatively just go with Howlin Wolf.

0
badger_king | 17 May 2011 - 5:20pm

Massachusetts music

Galaxie 500 were from Boston, even though their leader really wished he was in New York City the whole time. Also, the Cars have a new album out, so that seems oddly apropos. Oh yes, Sonic Youth (or at least Thurston Moore) are from Northampton, Mass. You should get some Dwight Yoakam for the brief time you're in Kentucky.

0
aphriza@gmail.com | 18 May 2011 - 3:37am

Gigolo Aunts

Fine Boston band.

1
Lenny Law | 18 May 2011 - 12:48pm

Back home

after a wonderful trip - 11 shows and 3200 miles. I've learned some rock tips like why it's important to part-unscrew the top of the performer's water bottles and strategies for diverting some of the more, um, committed fans, and explored such road myths as Does jetlag cancel out a hangover? (answer: Noooooooo.)

I spent many hours in the car teaching myself to use iMovie, and despite the distracting screams of my passengers, the result is a 45-minute film of the tour. It's my first venture into video editing and I enjoyed it very much. With enormous presumption that anyone might be the least bit interested, here's the Texan Section. Watch out for the Maple Bacon Sundae, it's a cracker.

Back to the humdrum now. So, what have I missed?

1
Captain Underpants | 31 May 2011 - 9:38pm
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