Features a woman on the cover * shock * - without a beard.

February
A nation in the grip of Strictly Come Dancing fever, but also deeply depressed by the recession, succumbs to the charms of ‘Glumba’: A fusion of Goth and Samba, whose infectious carnival rhythms are coupled to morbid lyrics bemoaning declining bat populations and the addition of the Carpathian Vampire to the ICUN list of threatened species.

June
Bands hard-hit by the global financial crisis are forced to cut back on their line-ups. 15,000 bass players suddenly find themselves unemployed.

September
The Government think tank – SURPLAS - predicts that by 2015, bearded folk duos will have replaced the nuclear family as the dominant social unit in the UK.

October
HMV attempts to add value to compact discs by putting them in limited edition cardboard slipcases and selling them for £20.

December
Desperate to reach new readers, the increasingly irrelevant NME merges with Railway Siding Examiner and Barn Owl Monthly.

to declare himself King of the Grumpy Old Men and challenge the government to a 'winner takes all' moan-off on Islington's Upper Street (sponsored by the Daily Mail).

Old slogans like 'old enough to be his daughter'. 'its not big and its not clever' and 'turn that row down, it doesn't even have a decent tune' will mix with 'Beards for all' and 'Bingo forever, dubstep never'.

The roads run brown with real ale amd Starbucks coffee

The coup leads to Rick Wakeman becoming his number two and the Word is the only legal magazine (or The Party Massive manifesto). Bootleg copies of Mojo and Uncut change hands at Camden Market, since renamed 'Not As Good As It was-ville'

The reimagined 'Walford Wire' is a massive rating winner although the decision to remake the original 'Wire' series (or holy texts) with Premiereship footballers is less well recieved.

The controversial 'Who shot Phil Mitchell's squirrel? episode penned by Andrew Collins causes half a million people to spontaneously combust (although initially only three) after a New Scientist campaign. Collins is suspended in a test tube without organic food for three months but supporters send in ducks to peck him on the cheek.

Radio 4' Book At Bedtime' slot is replaced by 'The Daily HORA' with 'Van Morrison's Gob-Iron Bag' becoming the 2009 Xmas No.1.

The booming laugh of Mark Ellen echoes across the land at 7am calling the faithful to ukulele lessons.

Great Britain 2009: a podcast, a magazine, a way of life

Very Funny Patrick.

than David Hepworth's! I'm listening to Podcast 55 again, and was struck by Mr Hepworth's cry of "Oh, Spain will never win it!" in the discussion about Euro 2008...

"It was a hoax! I could see all along!"

I love predictions, my worst real one was probably the time I was watching a music show and the host said "Here's someone who's slaying them in the clubs of New York and she will be an enormous star here too. Here's Madonna with her song Holiday." I listened for about a minute and I thought "Nah, she's a one-hit wonder if ever I've heard one."

Then there was the time I was watching an interview with a body builder and they said, "So Arnold, what do you do after being Mr Universe?"

He said "I want to go to Holly--wood to make moofies." I remember thinking "Yeah right with THAT accent! You've got no hope champ."

Anyone else care to own up to getting it horribly wrong?

.....though it has nothing to do with music.

Many years ago I used to be an amateur snooker referee. I was doing my stuff at a pro-am one weekend where the young Scottish pros were giving the amateurs as much as 70 of a start.

It was a round robin format....Chris Small was beaten in the final and John Higgins didn't win a frame.

Using my gifted foresight I told my snooker buddies that John Higgins would never amount to much???????????????

1. That smoking will be proved, on balance, to be good for you.

2. That wearing chunky headphones while walking around the office will be more widely ridiculed than it seemed to be in 2008.

3. England will win all remaining qualifying football games and the traditional ridiculously high expectations will be worse than ever. Hooray!

....us old gits will continue to make curmudgeonly remarks about the state of it all and how most of these strands were the better when done before. (I mean, I ask you, every bloody new year they trundle out predictions and hopes blah blah blah, presents for Christmas, eggs for easter blah blah blah the wire blaH blah Richard blah blah)
And a happy 1948 to one and all.

Very funny stuff in these grim times, these just fresh in:

1)Ronnie Corbett announces he will be the next Dr Who.

2)Price of a pint goes up to £4.55

3) John Deacon goes on the road as Queen 2 with Justin Hawkins on vocals and Hawkin's brother on guitar.Sues remaining members of Queen and Paul Rodgers.

4) George Lamb runs for PM.Nobody else can get a word in at the House Of Commons

5) Eastenders finally and thankfully axed and Albion Market makes a comeback.

6) NME folds and survives in name online only.

7) Government announces that all fruit and veg is actually bad for you.

8) The Smiths reform.

9) Liam Gallagher opens fish restaurant;"Salmon Supernova"

10) Bob Dylan replaces Ken Bruce on Radio 2.

...am I right that only 1 of these is incorrect? I don't think it will be number 2.
(Which reminds me of the best line from the Shooting Stars prog over Xmas, suggesting the irony in that Elvis Presley should die in association with a number 2, having had so many number 1's.
Fabulous stuff!)

Having listed to both Viva La Vida and Seldom Seen Kid over the festive season (both of which are good, in my view), I have been wondering what it is about Chris Martin that provokes such negativity on the blog, particularly when compared to the on-going Elbow/Guy Garvey love-in?

i predict this every year and am really surprised that people still buy the old news printed mag. It can't be for the journalism can it?

of bogpaper?
You will know us by the trail of our ink.

the Xmas issue was the magazine equivalent of 2-ply