Entertainment For Lively Minds
My OSCAR speech in full
I'm a bit tipsy on Erdinger (perhaps 5, no more than 7 pints. Maybe 8) and have returned home to an empty house. Ma Bisto and the little Bistos are away. No, it's not for creative differences it's just that Grandma and Grandpa offer respite and comfort zones beyond the disposable income of Ma and Pa Bisto. The kids get spoilt and Daddy gets to spoil his trousers with curry and beer in a city centre pub. Win, win all round.
As I write I'm looking at Beany's nuts and am contemplating Sex with Drakeygirl. That's the kind of night it's been(y). A group of us have been to the Ship and Mitre (in Liverpool; don't search for it on Google Maps 'cos it sends you off in completely the wrong direction. God forbid, I'm a man and had to ask another man for - gulp - directions. The shame!) and swapped sex songs. That's all we swapped though, despite a large outbreak of "partners" and people who had obviously been slimming in recent weeks and had lost just enough weight to taunt Arbuckles like myself. I sucked in my gut as much as much as I could but no-one can compete with TKDMart for a washboard stomach. But that's OK, because if ever we're lost at sea in nothing more than a simple boat without oar or sail he'll die first for lack of body fat. It's important that such distinctions are made and reported BEFORE the fact. He doesn't know it yet but we're booked on a cruise for the next NW Massive meet so I'm piling on the pounds in preparation. Icebergs are real you know.
As ever, Grant organised this wonderful get together tonight. He's one of the new breed of slim ones. Bastard. He more than compensated for his unnatural anorexic tendencies by introducing us all to his lovely lady wife, Anne. And he ordered curry for the buffet so he's not THAT interested in losing weight.
Drakeygirl came along with Mr Drakeygirl having spent the day enjoying the delights of Liverpool's record emporiums under the guidance of Paul who had the best visual reference for the evening with his Dukla Prague Away Kit. I felt a bit nervous meeting Drakeygirl for the simple reason that on this blog she makes me roar with laughter. And knowing me the way I do if you can make me laugh that much you must be something special. She also has Morphine and The Wurzels on her Sex With Drakeygirl CD so the shock and awe is still forthcoming even though she's just a lovely girl. You should meet her, she's ace.
Prestonia kindly donated some books for us all. Alas only in paper formats so us Kindle readers had to gnash and grind their teeth (I mean, honestly, one of the books was a "hardback") whilst contemplating a bitchy thread about sad people who read books with binding and a "reduced price" sticker. I put it down to Marketing being the Devil's work and 9/11 being nothing more than a conspiracy to make Cyrillic fonts the norm. Russians neutral? In your dreams Boris.
Beany brought his nuts. Wow. They really are good. I think I might have to create paper cuts in my lips just to fully appreciate the full force of their mustard/chilli coating. I'm looking at the tin as I write. Can I resist temptation and not eat them? Probably not.
Millymollymandy. I just want to say thank you for remembering.
Gavin. I just want to say thank you for listening to me drone on about "having kids".
Hazeyjane. Grr. You look good in a dress so feel free to schmooze with wankers and then come along to a Massive meeting. That way you keep it consistent by meeting yet more wankers.
To Dr. Volume I'd like to say thanks for the opinions. There's a lot of opinions from Dr. Volume but they're all good although some of them - shock! horror!! - don't subscribe to the norm. Anyone that fascinated with Justin Bieber must be suspect, surely. He's met David Hepworth you know.
I'm of an age when a night out needs to be something a bit special to make it worthwhile. That sounds terribly ancient and picky but that's just the way it is. So these nights out with the Massive are really very, very special indeed. Grant does such a good job chivvying us all to attend and makes it all so natural and easy for everyone when we arrive and mingle. It wouldn't happen without him, that's the simple truth of the matter so I'm so grateful that he cares to make a difference in our lives by making the effort he does.
So I'd like to dedicate my OSCAR to Grant and all the Massive who come out to play. Even the ones on diets. Freaks.
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Thank You A_B!
I could never hope to match your prose, but blimey, it was a good night, wasn't it? Like your good self, we ended up trudging through the rain back home, and yet..yet those droplets felt like a baptism of tears of angelic happiness...
Well, sort of...you get the gist.
Firstly- a big thank you to those that came - The Drakeygirls, The Squeezers, Dr V, Southstand, Prestonia, Millymollymandy, newbie Boomboy, Beany and lovely daughter, Vinnell, Mart, Doods, Paul W, Hazeyjane, PaddyH(hope it goes well -condolences from all of us), my long-suffering hetero-life buddy Mark, my even longer-suffering GLW, Anne and, of course, your good self.
The venue was fantastic - the room was just the right size. The Blazing Kitchen company put on a great spread - next time I won't go with quiche or the tuna pasta salad (hey, it's all part of the learning curve). The curry was a palpable hit and we didn't finish everything - maybe that Chubby Checker stuff is seeping into our subconscious...
A variety of fine ales were tackled with vim and vigour, the GLW taking particular delight in the Fruli Strawberry beer. Having our own barperson eased the difficulty of navigating the stairwell up to the Higher Room, but it's testimony to the thirst of the massive that several hardy souls in their pursuit of Real Ale tackled the melee that was the actual bar downstairs.
CDs were swapped. Purchases admired. Laughs had. Fierce debates engaged in (current snarkiness of some threads, Downloads- illegal or otherwise, Paul Simon, M*j*, Are the Word staffers planning anything for the 100th issue?).
I can only echo A_B's thanks above with regards to everyone. Hopefully we'll repay the Drakey effort and head down to the next southern gathering.
Anyway, here are some pics. I apologise for the quality..
Paddy, Paul and Pencilsqueezer mull over the sexy CD track listings("Who put Rapeman on?")
Mart, Bisto and Vinnell ruminating over Peaches "XXXX the Pain away" (Milly and Boomboy just behind)
From the front, clockwise - Drakeygirl, Beany, Prestonia, Dr V, Southstand, Milly and Boomboy debate "1973-the summit of all human artistic endeavour"?
Drakeygirl, Paul, Vinnell and Doods reclining, with Doods checking out the Von Sudenfed CD Paul had purchased earlier (Holy Ghost just out-of shot)
Thank you all for coming. The next one will be Manchester by which date we'll all have done our geographically-based CD compilations (Ta for that, Paul) - date TBA. Onwards and upwards!
Love to you all for your effort and dedication.
Thanks, Friends. X
Thanks all
If truth be told I was knackered and rather stressed by work shenanigans yesterday; if it had been any other social do I would have made an excuse. But such is the gravitational pull of a Massive Mingle that I trooped over to the Ship and Mitre anyways and was greeted by a big cheer when a gang at the bar spotted me. Before I knew it I was involved in a semi-erotic man embrace with Pencil Squeezer and my spirits were lifting.
It was, as ever, a lovely night - I wish I could have stayed longer but I nearly fell asleep on the drive home so it was good that I knew when to turn in.
Thank yous all round - Beany (or Wasabeany as I'll now christen him) for turning me on to the delights of Lummy Days and Syracuse the Elephant and introducing me to the residents of his mobile kennel, Paul W for his lovely DP away kit and general banter, Doods for his enthusiastic persona and shared admiration of CW Stoneking (we must make the effort for the next tour), Ahh Bisto for a damn fine chat - he's a lovely chap, Dr. V for his V and humour and for making me feel I'm not alone in not "getting" Brooooce, Mrs Drakeygirl for coming all that way (let me know what you make of The Room when you've watched it), Mr P Squeezer who, aside from the erotic hug early doors also gave me a DVD box set of all the Aliens films as I've never watched a single one, Prestonia for the books, natch, and for being an all round good egg, Boomboy for the low down on Patti Smith's "Horses" gig which I really wish I'd made the effort to go and see now, TkdMart for his impressive "Tyne Tees delivered, I'm yours" joke and good company, MillyMollyMandy for telling me all about her trip to Laos and putting up with me when I was repeating myself - I was very tired by that time and, of course, Grant for the mp3 of horse scaring music which I'm steeling myself for and his organisational efforts. Didn't get to speak much to Southstand, Mr DG, Mrs PS, HazeyJane, Ann or Paddy (and apologies if I've missed anyone - still tired, off for 40 winks once I finish this) but such is our number now that it's darn hard to get catch up with everyone these days.
You're all toppermost of the poppermost and I salute you.
Geographically-based CD compilations
That's a bastard that one. Of all the places in the world I have to pick an obscure one. I mean, whatever good came out of Manchester... Thanks Paul. Daughter Kyllie (with 2 LLs) enjoyed herself and appreciated the smoking partners who guided her to the terrace for a regular fix.
For anyone trying to make sense of the Bisto prose (it's his "stock"-in-trade but he's a "granule" chap) the nuts he is trying to describe are in fact Koh-Kae Nori Wasabi-coated peanuts, imported from Thailand. Wasabi peas were also provided for those needing part of their 5-a-day.
Now to tackle the Percy Filth CDs. Missing the Massive already.
So where have you been again darling?
I, er, went to a meeting above a pub with like minded people I found on the internet and we swapped some sex themed digital media. Nothing else mind, just the sex themed digital media.
Run that by me again...?
Splendid to see you all. Great work Grant, and thanks again. See you at Killing Joke, hopefully with my wife. Still fancy it Bisto?
I do
and I'll confirm one way or the other this week.
Who's the fat bastard in the Dukla Prague Away Kit?
I blame the fact that as designated driver I was on coke (American, not Colombian) all night and the bubbles just wouldn't be shifted...
Some of the bubbles seem to have settled under my chin though - how did that happen?
What to add?
The best mingle to date - fun, food and frolics in a great venue with great people. I have video evidence which I shall post as soon as I have learned how to co-ordinate Flip, YouTube and website.
But the fun started well in advance of the Mingle itself - the Drakeys and me, trawling the sights, sounds - and smells - of the Pool of Life.
Dusty record shops, achingly trendy purchases, Beatles sights and public houses. My feet are killing me. Highlight - walking into Probe records and being greeted by an exiting punter with the words "Sound shirt, la"
Spent the last hour or so setting up and testing the amp sold to me at a ridiculously cheap price by Mr Squeezer - Peter, it sounds fantastic. Thanks mate.
And a couple of pleas to finish:
TKDMart - we need you to put up a tracklisting!
And everyone participating - can you let me know which locations you've got for the CD, I know there was at least one non-attendee who wanted me to draw a place for him, and I don't know what's left!
Couldn't sleep last night when I got home - couldn't stop grinning and replaying the night's events. Nor was I helped by the antics of our cat, which led to me standing at our back door at 2:00am in the pouring rain, stark bollock naked, trying to catch a frog...
...but that's another story for another day.
It's a fix
I was given Manchester and obviously steered away from the ticket bearing the Bristol/SW choice for fear of Stackridge/Wurzels overkill.
How could it possibly be a fix
When I ended up with South Piggin' America?
Allo Allo...
I shall be representing The French.
WTF??
Somehow I seem to have drawn Central America! I could have just about managed to find some songs about Mexico and Cuba but, no! Central America does not include either Mexico or Cuba, but rather Costa Rica and some other places that I can't think of any songs about.
I know what you're thinking - "she never brings a CD anyway so this point is somewhat academic" - but I actually thought I might try this time. But I can't be expected to pop my mingle CD cherry with that, can I?
Basically, I'm beseeching you to let me swap or have a different one - please! I don't even mind having Wales!
Do the right thing, lovely Minglers! xx
I'm happy to swap!
Not sure what I've got to offer in return (still awaiting allocation) but Central America's inspiring me, so I'll take it!
Actually because I made the rules (up as I went along)
And because my grasp of geography is sometimes haz(e)y, (Jane), I would certainly have included Mexico and probably also Cuba - I'm sure I told Boomboy (who drew the Caribbean) that Cuba was off limits.
For the avoidance of doubt then, Central America is everything in the bit of land that joins the USA to South America, plus Cuba, but excluding all the other islands in that part of the world (which all come under the Caribbean and include Jamaica, Barbados etc).
But - if you hop over to the other thread, I am happy to put you back into the pot and finagle a transfer to Hannah.
Of course, maybe better the Devil you know...
that sounds like a fantastic night!
must be careful to capitalise the following request appropriately, so as to avoid any marriage-dissolving misunderstandings. I want Sex With Drakeygirl! (I mean, The Wurzels..yes!!!)
Disgusting it is
The Wurzels - Sex Farm
Send me your address, Vorgon
and I'll pop some sex in the post for you.
but then
I'll be looking forward to the mingle slightly less! Bring it then and in return ye shall receive a compilation I have entitled A Pounding from Vorgon.
I've got California
and Bisto got Detroit...
I got Liverpool..
..so that's Sonia for starters. Then there's.. Er.
Ken Dodd!
I can see this one ending in Tears...
We came, we drank, we ate, we smoked, we talked,
we drank some more, we laughed a lot, we drank even more and then we went home clutching some decidedly smutty music a brace of fine books courtesy of Prestonia,a true gent,and get this,twenty five c.d's of Tom Waits given to me by Southstand. What can I say? Southstand you're a hero,thank you so much.
These nights are always special thanks to the sterling efforts of Grant and the sheer good cheer of a growing number of marvellous massivistas. This night was made truly the stuff that dreams are made of by the inclusion of the Drakeypersons,Beany's lovely daughter Kyllie our Grant's Beautiful wife Anne and his mate Mark and new family member Boomboy.
So glad you're enjoying the amp Paul and by the way my geographical nightmare (only joking) is Memphis.
Special thanks to our mate tkdmart for the lift and for treating us to a quick listen to his really rather good recent forays into musical brilliance.
Missing you all already. Can we do this again next week?
Suspicious Doods/Mr Drakeygirl interaction.
Get a room!
Another great evening
I love the way I've changed from reluctantly telling people that "well, I'm meeting some people I 'talk' to on the internet ... no, it's not like that, really" to a confident, "I'm meeting friends in Liverpool".
Really groovy friends, gettin' on down to "Got to love Beany's nuts!"
Thanks for the lift Paul - guess the cat's still freaked out by the commuting arrangements. And the Presso worked just fine and dandy this morning - thanks for the tip off - http://www.wordmagazine.co.uk/content/impressod
Hope Boomboy enjoyed his first mingle, in spite of the sardine can/sauna we endured to get to Liverpool, courtesy of East Midlands trains.
And I swapped my original location (Caribbean - love reggae but don't have much other than vinyl) for the land of my fathers: Yorkshire.
I predict a riot at the next NW mingle - looking forward to it.
That's the thing
it's genuinely moved into the world of meeting up with "friends" hasn't it?
Anyway,people's lives being as they are, I've got a Doodle calendar up for people to contribute to.
Let me know when you're free!
http://doodle.com/szw8gts23mqc823m
Meeting with friends? No
Bestest friends. ;-}
Sorry about the doodle. I only entered my selections once, honest.
We are back darn sarf
after a three hour car journey listening to sex-themed tracks as compiled by the Massive.
I am entertained, aroused, confused, tickled and appalled* in equal measure.
(*OK, perhaps not appalled. I did, after all, include a golden ticket with one of my CDs which won the lucky recipient a free bongo flick. Congratulations, Dr Volume).
Today I am in no fit state to pay full tribute to the mighty marvellousness of the NW mingle. Taking full advantage of my self-certified Chubby Checker Free Friday Pass, I am now paying for my over-consumption of alcohol with a thumping headache. But still grinning like a loon thinking of the splendid time Mr Drakeygirl and I had in the welcoming arms of the NW Massive.
Huge thanks to Paul for being our affable Liverpool tour guide in the afternoon. Thanks to him we had a quick Probe** and a rummage through Hairy.
(** The manager of Probe must have thought all his Christmases had come at once yesterday with all these new customers filing in and stocking up on vinyl and CD!)
A hearty cheer for Grant for making it all happen. Cap doffed to the very tall and handsome Prestonia for the wonderful books. Genuflections to Beany for presenting me his nuts. Gratitude to Vinnell for the DVD of The Room. Respect to Doods both on his increasing svelteness and his crocodile shoes. More hugs for Paddy for his brief but very welcome late appearance. A swoon and a simper to Ah_Bisto for his general charmingness. An impressed face to tkdmart for the photo of him a)holding two Oscars and b)being kissed by Liv Tyler. A shout out of 'Girl Power' to MillyMollyMandy, hazeyjane, Donna Squeezer, Anne (Mrs Grant) and Kyllie (Junior Beany). And a big smacker of a kiss for Pencilsqueezer for his truly wonderful gift of original artwork.
Now, where's the paracetamol?
If you're wondering just how bad my hangover is, this piece of art which I spotted this morning during a quick visit to the Liverpool Tate gallery, describes fairly accurately how I'm feeling:
I wish they'd hurry up and invent transporters
otherwise how on earth are we ever going to make a massive joint London & N.W. Mingle happen. I'd love to meet all of you in person! Sounds like you had a wonderful time...
Hannah
The feeling is mutual.
And that's not just the Sex CDs talking.
Yous lot are Boss!
Really nice to visit Liverpool again, arriving in time to survey the majestic sweep down from Lime St steps with its amazing panoramic view of the city, and enough time to make a quick detour to the newly relocated Probe Records. It's small, but much nicer than the old Slater St shop which seemed a bit tired last time I went. People were in it, buying records and hanging out and there was a nice vibe that you can't Download. Hurrah. Funny to arrive at the venue to see a few of the Massive had been there before me too!
Great venue this time and I hope this can be a permanent home for future Liverpool mingles, almost like having our own private members club for the night. Cosy, stylish and with our own bar, which was very welcome as downstairs was rammed. Fantastic.
As always, the night seemed to hurtle past in a blur of lively chat, uproarious laughter (a lot of from me I suspect) and a seemingly endless supply of 'Beanuts'. As always I tried to work the floor and spread myself as thinly as I could be still wish I'd had more time to talk to everyone.
Given the rather chippy attitude that seems to have descended on the Blog of late, it was timely to have a few beers with the wonderful bunch of people I've had the pleasure to meet through this forum and talk enlightened bollocks in person.
Fantastic to meet the tremendous Mr & Mrs Drakeygirl all the way from London Village who told us tales of electric lights and carriages that move without horses. I did indeed win the golden ticket, which entitled me to an Arthouse movie with a very intricate plot, thick with verbose dialogue and complex metaphors which I think will only reveal themselves on repeated viewings. There are some quite emotional moments so it's best to have a few tissues handy though.
Special thanks to the mighty Southstand, conspiratorially handing over two discs of the finest Dub. Not sure what my favourite LP title is, 'Mi Cyaan Believe it!' or 'Dub Conference'!. Special thanks also to my bezzy mate Hazeyjane for actually making it to the venue, and driving me home sober and listening to my excitable boozy ramblings all the way down the M62.
Nice work Grant, yer a fookin' Legend...and yer all fooken legends actually and can't wait to see you all again. And I can't wait for Mart's 'Tyne Tees' themed CD. Don't forget...Kane Gang, Prefab Sprout, Gazza Vs Lindisfarne, Roxy Music and any band that was ever on The Tube..plenty to go at.
Oops almost forgot, here is the link to my CD Comp:
http://www.mixcloud.com/Dr_Volume/carry-on-doctor-volume-for-the-word-ma...
Laptop
keyboard has been coated with red wine from gob at reading the following:
When are we going to do that podcast Dr. V?
[cough] I mean that in a purely non-sexual and platonic way. Christ, can I make a sexual reference from the words "do that podcast"? I'll bring the biscuits.....oh bollocks.
Some photographic evidence...
... of another superb night with my massive mateys, mid mingle.
Oops. How did that one get in there?
Brilliant!
Would you be good enough to supply some names though? I recognise some people but not everyone...
OK top photo, L-R:
Grant
Bisto
Mrs Grant
Dr Volume (obscuring Ms Kyllie Beany)
Mr Squeezer
Beany
Mrs Squeezer
Drakeygirl
Doods
The Absolutely Gorgeous Paul Waring
Vinnell
Mr Drakeygirl
Second bottom photo - that's millymollymandy with Squeezer.
Thanks Paul
Appreciated!
Fantastic photos
Thank you for posting them.
The top image is a corker, marred only by the idiot on the left waving. Nobber. What bit of kit were you using? I didn't get chance to ask you on the night.
*does geeky calculation*
Looks to me like the work of a Sony NEX-5.
Got it in one Fraser!
.
Great pics
Looks like a good night out.
The top one looks like
The Last Supper. Love it.
And remind me, Mart, who is that kissing you again? Oh yes, it's Liv Tyler at the Oscars.
But what's great is that Beany is equally as smug about the picture of him and Kate Mossman in the Word Office.
At least I got a cup of tea from Kate
Who is Liv Tyler anyway?
That room at the old S & M has a sort of private club feel to it. Gone are the day's when we met in a back room of a public house with a copy of The Word on our table. Soon it will be membership cards, security on the door and Michael Caine popping in when "up the 'Pool".
Ace photos Mart
But what we really want to know is....
...what's the tracklisting on yer CD???
Oh, and give me a title and I might just design you a cover...
Too much time on my hands again
So I did some CD covers for you all.
I'm particularly happy with yours, Grant. Smell the Glove!
Oh, and a little moving picture of the Massive At Play!
Thank You, Paul.
Mine's really good. LOL, as they say.
Thanks also for the video footage - captures the "vibe" really well. Lot of chat and quite a bit of laughter.
Okay.... Gulp. Here goes!
1. E=MC Vagina - Jon Lajoie
2. Horn - Nick Drake
3. Fuck Me - Yann Tiersen
4. Night Of The Swallow - Kate Bush
5. Tickle My Vagina - Majela Zeze Diamond
6. Thank Heaven For Little Girls - Steve Howe & Martin Taylor
7. Hot Sex - A Tribe Called Quest
8. Just One Of Those Songs - Derek And Clive
9. Feel It - Kate Bush
10. Back The Camel Up - Har Mar Superstar
11. The Lamia - Genesis
12. Valerie's Hymen - Derek And Clive
13. Hot Sauce - Thomas Dolby
14. Clap - Yes
15. My Penis - Perez Hilton (& Bonus Track - 'Beautiful Penis', by The Whitest Kids U Know)
Some of you will also have 'Just A Little Lovin' by Dusty Springfield, but Apple stopped my fun after seven copies! Imagine.... After that track list, Dusty was the one that got canned!
A late word of thanks................
.......to everyone for making Friday another evening to remember (with the winning combination of Erdinger and some sort of less than macho strawberry beer making for a particularly memorable hangover).
The cd's are yet to have an airing as they seemed strangly unsuitable as a soundtrack to the drive across the M62 to Leeds with 12 and 9 year olds in the back of the car.
The range of music on the cd's is as wonderfully varied as the conversation. Where else could you pick up half a dozen cd's with tracks by Jim Dale, Whitehouse, The Wurzels, Bessie Smith and Radio Stars? Marvellous stuff.
I managed to pick Nashville from the hat, but exchanged it for Chicago. Guessing everyone would prefer 80 minutes of house with a bit of Sun Ra thrown in, than 25 country tunes.
And if anyone didn't manage to pick up Beany's cd let me know and I'll get it in the post as I seem to have acquired an extra copy.
Cheers again
An even later word
Not sure what else to say that hasn't been said, except that it was a joy as always. I had had a pretty mad week or more, but this was damned fine therapy. Can't say I got round for a blether with everyone (particularly the new chaps - sorry !) but there's hopefully next time.
That theory about the German beer laws meaning you don't get hangovers is, frankly, bollocks. The Chubby Checker regime seems to have survived the beer and curries though, though now y'all have video evidence that I have a lo-o-ong way to go. Thanks for posting the evidence !
Since then I have spent many hours whizzing around the realm in the Doodsmobile, and your works have been my soundtrack. Oh. Blimey. Back now, and I may need a bath, but they have been entertaining and occasionally alarming companions.
And then I picked Spain from the hat. Now that is a challenge. I did pick Africa afterwards, in a panic, but I'm tempted not to cheat but to have a go. (I may try to do both, and see what happens). I can probably make something up, but I warn you now it may not be very rocky or even rolly. Harpsichords and lutes may be involved. And Portugal. And thankfully that Cortez The Killer does boast a full 7 minutes 29 seconds...