...but a colleague's Nana, on learning her grandaughter was going to an Ann Summers party;

"Ooh, are you going to get one of those migrators?".

Clearly not up to the OP's exacting standards.

I'll give you a few more to gee you up a bit.

(Spotting shop sign while driving through village) "Oh look, there's... No, don't worry. I thought that shop said Turf Accountant, but it was Wacky Hair World."

(Admiring beauty of countryside from car) "Ooh, isn't that lovely? All those hundreds of shades of green. Light green, dark green..." (Long pause) "...medium green..." (Silence).

(Hearing football story on radio) "Len Hoddle? Isn't she a pop singer?"

I remember when my son was younger shouting downstairs whilst sat on the loo, "Dad can you...erm polish my bottom" and another time when eating bolognaise for tea he asks "Can I have some more of that forghetti please"

Apologies for mawkishness but I like these things my daughter said:

Mummy has booked a disappointment at the hairdresser

Has he died and gone to Devon?

came out with lots of them, e.g.
Calling dandruff "downdraft".
Referring to a particular canine breed as "a Durex dog"
When describing a woman of her acquaintance, "She's Japanese...you know, Yoko Omo".

She must be very clean.

Back in the late 70s, when I was still a young lad and couldn't yet drive, I would regularly give my mum my "shopping list" of records to buy from the indie record shop in the big town 20 miles away. She would peruse the list to make sure she could read my awful handwriting, but one week she said "What's this one? The ... who?"
"The Rezillos, mum. It's called 'I Can't Stand My Baby.'
"Well, if he can't stand his baby what's he doing going out with her then?"
I didn't have an
answer for that.

Lemon Turd Cart was my grandma's favourite

My mother has always been especially bad with names:
Tennis players Laver and Rosewall became Labour and Rosswell
Trampas in 'the Virginian' became Travers. Manolito in 'the High Chapparal' became either Manuela or Manitola (depending on mood or more likely completely at random).

My all-time favourite however:-

Me: Did you get the girls those record tokens for Christmas?
Mum: Yes
Me: Where did you get them?
Mum: HIV
Me: Are you positive?
Mum: Oh yes.

a friend of mine (not me) went in the local record shop and asked to buy the christmas single by Lonah Jewie.

My mum was all for going to see the Silence of the Lambs, thinking it was the next James Herriot film.

have made it into print in a certain local newspaper many years ago, but for an alert sub-editor (me):
"A Fire Services spokesman said the building had been raised to the ground."
"Councillor Bloggs admitted his comments had been a serious phopar."
"The inquest heard that the man had tied a rope round his neck, hooked it over a beam and jumped off a chester draws."

The person responsible for the first two of these now edits a newspaper in the Middle East...

from childhood is that mum could never say archbishop, it was always archybishop. We had a lot of fun with that until she got annoyed and reminded us that she spoke three languages and we had yet to master one; she had a point.

So good a book has been compiled for the last fifteen

You can't pull the wool over my jumper
It's no skin off my teeth, son
'Yesterday' sung to the tune of 'Memories'
He's about as strategic as my left knob
That's the loudest lightning I've ever heard
I've got a backhand like Beckham
Look at him, that skinny f**king fat c**t
He has a got a massive tiny head

And many many more...

that as someone had been kind enough to ask us all to dinner, she'd have to retaliate.

Delaware Forest - a slice of the North Eastern Seaboard of the USA transplanted to Mid Cheshire
Tortillo chips - great with salsa, often found in the homes of second generation Spanish Republican exiles
Gladstonbury - a summer rock festival very popular with country GPs
Billy Whizz - a remote control

with references to U2-D2 and Arthur Vader from Star Wars.

. . . was in hospital for a broken pelvis when she informed me that she'd also caught "That M.A.R.S."

was born with impaired hearing and wears a hearing-aid.
But between that and reading lips she still manages to get things terribly wrong, to much mirth from her children (and herself).
But the one thing that no aid can help her with is the art of whispering. Her whispers are as loud as a typhoon, and because they are obviously intended to be whispered everybody takes notice of them.
It used to mortify us kids when she would try to be discreet about some personal matters in public, making every passenger on the bus stare at the woman hissing at the top of her lungs about itching underwear, a need to go to the toilet, the personal hygiene of the man who just sat down across the aisle or something equally embarrassing.
But the most embarrassing episode took place when, as an adult, I took my mum out to dinner at a small greek restaurant.
Halfway through our meal six people sat down at the table behind us, one of them was the well known Swedish actor (and son of Ingmar Bergman) Mats Bergman.
My mum had her back towards their table but saw a glimpse of him when she went to the bathroom in between courses, and decided that this was such exciting news that she had to share them with me.
As if I didn't know already...I was seated so I could see their table and Mr Bergman the whole time, and I did exactly that during the lull in their conversation when my mum chose to lean over our table to "whisper" to me "DID YOU SEE ? IT'S THAT ACTOR, BERGMAN'S SON, HE'S SITTING AT THE NEXT TABLE!"
I can't say who was more uncomfortable, me or the party at the next table. And because I didn't respond the way she wanted me to and just tried to make discreet facial expressions to get mum to shut up, she thought that I didn't know who she was talking about and kept going, whispering details of films he had appeared in to make me realize what actor she was going on about...
Her steam-whistle announcments totally killed the mood at Mr Bergman's table, they sat in silence staring miserably at their food until we left.
Probably thought that my mum would sit and listen to every word they said and report it to the nearest tabloid...not realizing that she couldn't even hear her own voice.

couldn't decide whether it was conditions or regulations, so told the inquiring student there were several constipations to doing a particular study course.

My car was stopped by the police last Boxing Day for a routine drunk driving test.
I told my dad on the phone later that day. He said "Really! Did they give you a blow job?"

Was very prone to these, my favourite was her talking about a young lady:
"She wears a throng!"