I don't have children so any inadvertant Parenting Advice that slips out here should be ignored, or at least taken with pinches of salt.

If I had to be 18 again, I would probably have still gone to university despite the fact that I didn't use my degree or get all that enamoured with studying. It was ace and the friends I made there are still propping me up in life. But I would have taken a year and worked in a factory, collected up some cash reserves and given myself time to think. That rushed feeling of 'oh my goodness I have to have a purpose to my life' was a rubbish and counterproductive one. In place of a year out I hitch-hiked round France one summer, had a great time and became very poor.

Weed, all the time, is no good. You wouldn't drink booze all day, every day, especially if you have a young, still developing brain... and particularly especially if it's skunk he's into. Arguments about lack of hangover can be countered by the fact that your hangover is simply a more long-term thing. I know what I'm talking about here. Well done for not being reactionary but if there's some brilliant way you can mollify his attachment to smoking, I predict it'll be half the battle.

They grow up, mine was the same at 18, bored, miserable no direction. He finished college and bummed around for a while.
You need to give him a goal, something to look forward to. Mine wanted to go to Thailand to see a mate that lived there so I said ok, I'll pay your fare but you need to find your spending money. It worked, or should I say he worked, went out got himself a job and went. He had a great time and realised if you want these things you need to do something to get it. Let them have the gap year but not for free.
Don't despair, they sort themselves out. I would recommend university, they come back far more mature than when they left. He's just finished his 1st year at Exeter training to be a cameraman and thoroughly enjoying it.

I was the same and didn't go to college until much later (it simply wasn't something people in my family or most of my friends did. Why go to college when you can earn money?)

I think drifting at that age is fine, to be honest. However, I do think that 18 year olds should - if they are not ill, unable to work or studying - be paying for board, even if it is a tiny amount (more the principle than the actual sum). He has to learn to stand on his own two feet: if you provide a situation where he can do what he likes, when he likes and for gratis, where is his motivation?

If he is old enough to decide that he doesn't want to study, he is old enough to provide for himself.

I am amazed in the office at the adult children who still seem to be sponging off parents: it was unthinkable in our social group (or maybe that is me getting old).

I didn't know what I wanted at 18 (indeed twenty full years later, I'm still unsure what I want to do when I grow up), but got a job in a record shop, because no-one was going to feed me and provide a roof over my head for nought (and was desperate to leave home by then anyway). Some of the happiest years of my life, if truth told.

when I were a lad! I don't have kids but judging from my own experiences I would say kick his butt...My mum and dad were very lenient with me when I left school, mainly as I went to an army school/borstal/barracks type place when they were overseas. I think the violence from the teachers, forced religion and compulsory cadets and army training didn't really suit me once I discovered evil Punk Rock so when I left I just wanted to escape and "chill" as the youngsters say nowadays.

I was on supplementary benefit and managed to get on a Y.O.P scheme but really just coasted. I wasn't thick and had some talents and interest in photography but no way was I bothered to go to college or study. Although my parents tried to encourage me I didn't really care and henceforth when my planned career of being the new J.J. Burnell didn't pan out, I had to end up doing jobs I didn't much care for for very little money (still am!). Looking back I wish my parents had been stricter, I really did need a big kick up the backside and be made to realise that studying and getting qualifications in something that I loved was by no means a bad thing.

You can't rush him to any big decisions, but I would try and push him towards a part-time job at the very least. How does he plan on paying for his social time? Aside from football, it can't all be free. Has he had a saturday job or anything before?

It was exactly ten years ago I too was in the position of finishing my a-levels without a clue what to do next. I had a part time job which I kept up (I was more useful now I could do pretty much any shift) and used this to pay for my leisure time (and save a little). My folks didn't really push me or have a particular ideal which they wanted me to do, but I obviously had to pay my own way. It did play on my mind throughout this year that I was the one who'd done nothing with themselves, same part-time job, played bass in the same local band as when I was in 6th form... There's an episode of Friends where one of the girls goes out with the "cool guy" from her school days (not that that's me!) but finds out he is still doing the same job/living with his folks/acting like a teenager etc and I didn't want to be that guy.
I'd been reluctant to go to university, but I visited a few friends during this time who had, and those weekends away convinced me it was something I did want to do. Does he know many who are going? I picked a course which interested me (English Studies and Philosophy) and perhaps I'd be better off had I picked something more vocational, but then again I might not have stuck it out. Similarly, having visited people in cities I knew commuting to university wouldn't work for me, I had to move to halls and have the life they were having. What I did was right for me, I wasn't ready to go straight away. That year helped me make a the decision properly. I don't know the current financial implications though.

Don't know if that's any help whatsoever, but thought it might be relevant how the same situation played out for someone else.
(Can't comment on the weed though, that wasn't all that common in my circle.)

My parents being lenient with me at the time was fun but in the long run definately a mistake.
With my son I made him get work and contribute to his keep and he has developed a proper understanding of the value of money.
And as someone who smoked a lot of dope for over 30 years I can say without fear of contridiction that it is hardly a great motivator.
Give him a kick up the arse. He will appreciate it in the long run.(although he may not like you for a while)
PS..how is he paying for things? just handing him money for nothing only prolongs the problem.

He won't look for a job at the moment saying he just needs some chill time. He is very social with lots of mates who he spends time with playing football, guitar & smoking the evil weed.

That must be difficult for you, as parents. I have to agree with people above ... I wouldn't give financial support for that... Maybe as a 'holiday' for a few weeks, sure ... but it isn't a long-term plan, is it? I'm not coming over all 'big society' here, but has he considered volunteering? It can be a way into a career, and looks good on a CV. Also working with people who are less fortunate can be a real eye-opener, and a spur to use your life constructively (I do say this from my own experience...)

Good luck. I'm certain I will face similar issues. It isn't easy.

See it a lot with high-achieving parents, kids don't necessarily pick up the torch with any gusto. Maybe the role-model of perceived hard grind, long hours, paternal (most commonly) absence isn't a wholly positive one: they might look at the lifestyle and think, no thanks. Not a new problem either, look at all those self-made men of the past including noble families who made good in the 18th century, common subject for satire, where progeny, brought up with sense of entitlement, just ran the family fortune into the sand in a generation or two.
Speaking as one of nature's slackers through and through, the spur is having to work to get something you want (initially, 'out of here', subsequently, roof over head and food!). Found school boring but knew it was the passport to other stuff I did want. If life is already comfortable and there's no intellectual interest in study, why work?
Realise that's not awfully helpful but that's because there's no easy answer. Part of me thinks, let them frolic while they may, shades of the prisonhouse will begin to close Upon the growing boy soon enough; the other part thinks, (a) it's such a pity to fritter away those fresh, creative years, plus it's harder to remount the carousel once you've got off; (b) where is the weed money coming from? Are you paying for 'a gap year experience' or just for him to get off his head and avoid tangling with the other dirty W word?

he only gets £20 a week pocket money so we are not funding an eloborate lifestyle. Threatened to stop that at the end of the summer if I dont see him at least trying to get a job. Apart from beer & weed I don't think he has many consumer desires. Would love to him to cut the weed but in this nice middle class area they ALL do it. Mrs Pedro quite rightly blames my dodgy genes as she was a straight head down school, uni, teaching job hard worker. I however left school with nothing despite being very bright, got a job at 16, own buisiness at 27 & done pretty well ever since. All down to hard work though & our eldest is not as bright but did the NVQ, BTEC route into a good career. Just don't understand lazyness I'm afraid.

But I'd NEVER have been allowed to get away with what he's doing. And as for weed - I'd have been booked into rehab before I had time to blink.

My parents were not lenient in the slightest and I had paper rounds from about 13 onwards, sometimes three a week. Laziness was absolutely not an option in school holidays or at any time, even though all I really wanted to do was lie on the sofa and watch telly.

Why do you allow it?

I have worked in finance since I finished College and really I should have been an Archaeologist. Its what I love and its too late to make a career of it now.

I wouldn't push him into anything in particular but I would ensure he is ready for the world.

I don't think many people really know what they want to do with their lives till their mid 20's so I would use this time to get trained in a few disciplines something I clearly didn't do.

A couple of years back we had a new wooden floor put down by a father and son team. Both were trained carpenters with City & Guilds etc.. The son interestingly enough was also a chartered accountant. He was about 27 and a couple of months later was going to Australia for a couple of years.

His dad who was about my age now, said he wanted to make sure that whatever happened in the big bad world his lad was always going to be employable as either a white or blue collar worker.

When he left school and didn't want to immediately go on to third level studies he pushed him into a trade. It turned out to be his trade but later the son decided on the third level route by himself. (Probably after seeing how the great and the good were living and decided he would like a taste of that action too).

I have 2 boys and thankfully I have saved for their education but I think really that lad's dad was right. If you really don't know what to do cover all the bases when you actually do have the time.

I wish I was in his shoes again, that's for sure. Electrician and Archaeology it would be for me.

Good luck with it all!

I didn't want to go to university so my parents made it clear I'd have to get myself a job instead, so I did. Though it may not be so easy to get a job nowadays.

I must say the idea of my Dad tolerating a drug habit or forking out for a 'gap year experience' would've been out of the question, but all families are different.

It's a circular problem - no point giving him £20 a week if it's going into some local dealer's back pocket, and the weed isn't going to be motivating him any, especially if he hasn't got to work out how he's going to pay for it.

Or it's defined (useful) tasks for him to earn that money. He's got no motivation to change at the moment.

tell him not to do an Eng Lit degree. I did - and ended up working in a warehouse for years afterwards, being bossed around by people who didn't go to Uni. I finally cracked and did a PGCE to teach English.

Hate to say it, but the generation of 18 year-olds who I taught a couple of years back were lazy sods. A lot of it comes from a weakening in college standards: they didn't even get set homework where I taught, and lessons had been reduced from 1 hr 10 mins to 40 mins. Also - and not for a second judging your son's intelligence - any kid with a modicum of sense can put in one decent shift at college and get good grades.

He seems very lucky to have a dad who's considered and thoughtful, but he needs to get off his arse and get a job. As for 'chill-time', he's already had that - it's called college.

and beyond. My parents were extremely chilled and they really should have kicked my arse. For me there was nothing I really wanted to do, smoking weed was a fun way to fill the day, and not having to worry about rent or bills gave me no reason to change my lifestyle.
Then my parents split up and staying with either wasn't an option, for complicated reasons. Living in a scuzzy bedsit and having to fend for myself meant having to get an income, which then forced me figure out what I really wanted to do. And when I found it, I felt motivated to get off my arse and do it. I can't imagine sitting around and smoking weed all day, it just seems really depressing to me now.
If you keep giving him a comfort zone, he doesn't have much reason to work out what he wants to do. But if he has to fend for himself, it might drive him towards working that out for himself.
I'm not saying kick him out, but get him contributing to the house - bills, money for food, make him do housework etc. At the same time help him figure out what he's passionate about and let him know if he wants to try it you'll be supportive.
And the weed is no different to booze. Great as an occasional treat, but doing it all the time is disastrous, no different to being on tranquilizers all day.
I hope he finds something to be passionate about, but sometimes the best way for that happen is with a loving kick up the arse.
All the best to you and your family.

where did all this "gap year" bollox come from? straight from education to work when I were a lad.

keep their weed smoking secret from their parents any more, then?

I'd have been torn limb from limb if my mum and dad had known I smoked weed.

What is he interested in? University is well worth a look, not only to study, but also to gain experience in life and living (and to provide time to grow up a bit). Sometimes a new direction presents itself too. Failing that, he needs to be introduced to the wonderful world of work. Something that gets him out of bed each morning.

I personally find the parental acceptance of weed puzzling. It's a dangerous slippery slope to other drug use.

I stopped getting pocket money when I got a part time job. I don't think an 18 year old should be getting pocket money. Personal view alert but do you think smoking weed is either acceptable or helpful in the circumstances?

all of whom are well-functioning and financially secure. I don't say this to brag but just to tell you where I'm coming from.

We always made it clear to our kids exactly what we would provide. While they were still in high school that included a set budget for clothes and a small amount of spending money each week. Once they graduated from high school they were entitled to enough money to pay for 4 years (no extras like summer courses or study abroad) at the state university. Period. Clothes, spending money was now their responsibility which they would have to manage through part-time and/or summer jobs.

This was not done in a mean-spirited way. It was just to let them know exactly what was what. It avoided all the negotiation and haggling and arguments we see so many families go through. We never argued with our kids about money. What was there to argue about?

It also gets them used to the idea of being poor. If you're going to be self-supporting when you graduate you are going to be poor so it's a good idea to be used to it.

But this approach is also based on the big picture idea that their life is exactly that. Their life. They need to make some decisions and live with those decisions. This helps them to be ready for life as a functional independent adult

The idea of giving an 18 year old spending money, no matter how little, is so foreign to me that I hardly know what to say. I don't think this will help your child see himself as responsible for himself and at 18 he really does need to start to see himself that way. But I understand that if your approach to financial support has not been clear-cut in the past, this will be a difficult transition for both of you. I would very carefully think through a reasonable plan, one you are prepared to stick with 100%, and present it to him. Again, not in a mean-spirited way but in a 'here's what's what' way. He needs to know this. Then, as far as finances go, you're done.

You may notice that I've concentrated on the financial aspects of the situation. The reason for that is that all the rest is up to your son. It's up to him to plan his life. Trying to do it for him will delay his growing up. Trying to 'help' just gives him more time to rebel and act like an adolescent. Step back!

I have a 20 year old with learning difficulties who is unlikely ever to work. He contributes towards the family income via his disability living allowance as, due to his condition, only one of us can work as he needs constant supervision.

As for the 'evil weed', an ex-schoolfriend regularly shuffles past me, unable to recognise me. He is a diagnosed schizophrenic from years of smoking pot. He may be one of the unlucky ones, but who knows what the long-term effects might be?

I have never condoned the use of weed, just been powerless to stop it. He won't do it at home but I am aware that when he's out I can't do much about it.

I dropped out of college in the mid90s after two years constant spliff. By the time I left, I had become a virtual paranoid recluse, failed all my exams, alienated from most people and even a 10 minute walk to Tesco's required hours of "getting it together". I ended up having to be sent back to my parents place. Not good.

Obviously, everyone's different, but the OP's description of his son's state of mind brings back hazy memories of teenage bedrooms, parental scenes in which I distractedly claimed I needed 'space' and a complete and utter lack of motivation, self-worth and direction.

I was fortunate to have supportive, if baffled and disappointed parents who gently, but firmly, drew boundaries and forced me to take control, whatever it took. I'm certainly not saying what worked for me will work for everyone, just that the weed affected me in a very very negative way, the ramifications of my habit linger to this day. If I could offer any advice, it would be to have a frank and non-hostile conversation about the effects of smoking at this point - if he likes a smoke, fine - but perhaps suggest a few months off, to clear the mind and set a course of action.

And a healthy dose of reality.

Whether it'll do any good to a know-all teenager I don't know.

I'd agree with the others as regards the weed, though. What high-power hydroponic stuff does to developing teenaged brains isn't good, as many a psychotherapist will tell you.

Just wanted to agree with much of the wise advice above.

We're seeing increasingly strong research showing Cannabis as a causative factor in psychotic illnesses such as Schizophrenia. Even without taking that into account as a drug it tends to act upon dopamine receptors producing a state, following prolonged use, very similar to the "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia - loss of motivation, apathy, loss of interest, difficulty in social functioning and, frequently, anxiety and paranoia.

Its a fucking horrible drug from a psychiatric point of view and its apparently increasing normalisation is a huge concern to people in the mental health field. Alcohol is actually healthier in many ways as it at least tends to involve a greater degree of socialisation, is non-criminalised and has none of the romantic appeal of using an illegal substance. Also you don't have to meet up with scum bags in order to buy it.

Should say though, I'm not at all anti-drugs (I actually thought the Ecstacy boom largely had a positive effect on society) but the popularity of dope has always baffled me.

There's nothing wrong with not knowing what you want to do with your life.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to go to university.

There's nothing wrong with not being financially independent at the age of 18.

However, even if it's not for a long-term goal, I'd say you should be doing something. Maybe just a job in a shop to find out what "the real world" is like, and maybe to show that if he doesn't pull his finger out at some point (no rush at the moment), this could be where he ends up.

I'd echo what was said above about some kind of housekeeping contributions. I didn't get any pocket money from the age of 16 when I started working.

I think the elephant in the room is the weed though. If he's got no particular get up and go and is a fan of the green, he could struggle. For those who do well at school without much effort - myself included - there comes at time when you do have to try and it's scary. You either knuckle down and get on with it or you quit.

That said, feel free to ignore me. I'm 24, I've absolutely no place to tell you how to parent your child. Do what you think's best.

My experience is very similar to lots of others. I left school at 17 having bummed around in 1st year 6th form (shows my age!) and finally realised that A'levels were approaching abd I was not going to do the work. I was young for my age and needed to grow up a lot before being mature enough to go to University. Fortunately my parents always said that it was available to me whenever I wanted to go back to it. I realise it was easier then as grnats etc were available but was still heartening to know that I wasn't off the educational train forever even if I didn't fit the 16, 18, 21 pattern.

I then got a job in a clothes shop. It was a great job and taught me loads about getting on with people etc. we had a sunday football team which was grewt fun too. I always knew it was a job for a year or two not for life but still needed the space to grow up.

I eventually went back to college and did my A Levels and finally went to University at 24. I realsied then that if I had gone at 18 I would not have lasted a term never mind 3 years.

Have patience and get him out doing something and tell himm that its all still out there if he wants it in the future.

Good luck

I went through a relatively brief period of smoking a fair quantity of cannabis myself at one point, in a very difficult and lonely period of my life. It does change your outlook. It takes away your motivation. But it does let you see things from a different, and in some cases interesting perspective. The main negative consequence I had was a terrible persistent cough, which is still with me to some extent this day. Which I can only assume was caused by someone cutting something that I smoked with ground glass or some-such substance. In the end though, I don't think I benefitted whatsoever from my brief dalliance with this drug.

However I'm not sure I totally agree with the assessments above of cannabis as this "sure road to long term psychological damage." Although there may be exceptions to this. If you start feeding intelligent 18 year olds with such careless twaddle, you may end up doing more damage than good. Most bright people have an instinct for when they are being given some old puff.

And alcohol or cannabis, which is worst? Trying to put odd personal prejudices aside for one moment, its no contest; If you go to any A&E department in the country, they will immediately tell you what 80% of the injuries they see, and long term physical problems are caused by. And its not smoking dope.

I have two children over 18 and one 16.

1. Weed etc - this was always something done out of the house. We always made sure we knew where the kids were, via their friends' parents. There were a couple of alcohol episodes. Throw up on your parents' bed once and you won't do it again.

2. Gap year - my oldest did this, worked in a cafe to save up and went to Asia with a friend. My middle child is a musician and just wanted to keep playing. We do feel fortunate with this, not that playing a brass instrument is necessarily a great career move but I'm a musician and the GLW comes from an esteemed musical family. So that's probably not much help.

3. DEPRESSION - consider this, it's a huge issue, I had it at that age but was never diagnosed nor was it part of the general lingo in 1972. Can you broach the subject?

4. Other parents. Really good if you have networks with parents of your lad's mates. Usually the territory of women I have to say.

Hope this helps and all the best

I've no idea what an application form for a university looks like but my 17 year old son filled in a dozen or so applications for a summer job a couple of months ago.

At the top of every form....first question - Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offence? My son was able to put 'no' in the box. I'd imagine that having to put - yes, possession of drugs - would cause the employer to throw the form in the bin without any further investigation...no?

He got a job, labouring in a warehouse for a cavity wall insulation firm. He hates it (I think) though enjoys the pay packet as he's used to £10 a week pocket money. He'll be back at school in a couple of weeks hopefully having learned what loads of folks have to do for a living and might even try studying.

I think when kids get to *that* age, it's impossible for us as parents to stop them from doing anything they want to. We all hope we're doing the right thing by them, but we don't really know. I only give my son a tenner a week, but if I found out he was spending it on dope, I'd give him nothing.

My girls are both still small so Im not faced with the weed issue yet. For the sitting around though, I had a part time job from 14 and didnt get pocket money and they will too. I can understand him not having much motivation regarding school as I still remember not really wanting to go onto university and being fed up with studying (I did in the end because I had to get a degree to teach) but working full time in a pub soon made me realise that a shit job wasn't the way forward for me despite the cash. I would cut his money off and make him get a job - any job - earning my own made me realise the value. (That even worked on my 5 year old who emptied her piggy bank on getting a Disney doll the other month. She wont be doing that again in a hurry and is more accepting of the "we cant afford it" arguement. Once he has a regular income I would also start charging him nominal rent - you can always stop if he chooses the education route.. A loving kick up the arse as another poster put it. Im sure this has been no help but I hope it all sorts itself out. Good luck.

But I have nephews on both sides of the family.

Those on my side, very working class, no trust funds, parents cannot afford to be indulgent, all had to find work (and did so) at the earliest opportunity.

GLW's side, one nephew, spoilt beyond belief, "savings" in excess of 30K, has never done, and looks as though he never wants to do a day's work in hos life.

Guess who's the happier?

That's right, the GLW's nephew - the lazy, smug, whinging, waster.

As several people above have said, if it's a daily thing that's not good.

I have many friends through bands who have drifted through years of weed. I have no problem with it as a recreational drug in general but I can think of two bands that I was close to who became rudderless when smoking became their daily recreation - gradually they stopped going out to gigs, they stopped rehearsing, they stopped playing gigs and eventually the whole thing drifted apart. I know that they now regret this, but it took them years to work out why their drive and focus had disappeared.

The teenage son of another good friend of mine has had serious mental health issues which his doctors attribute to smoking skunk - the potential for psychosis may well have been present already but they believe that it was exacerbated by his smoking it heavily at 18.

I benefited from summer jobs between school and college, and between college and university. Shifting parcels for British Rail Parcels then working in a frozen food factory did help encourage me to get stuck into the books and get my degree.

I suggest some tough love is in order - time for him to go out to work, and time to wind in the smoking. If it's once a week, that's very different from every day.

Good luck!

1 - Cannabis-induced psychosis
Someone very close to me experienced this and I can assure anyone who doubts it that it is very real, very unpleasant and there's a genuine possibility that they are never the same person again. When it was at its worse, not only did I have to see this person I cared about become by turns paranoid, violent and depressed and eventually sectioned, but en route I had to contend with pro-cannabis fundamentalists denying that cannabis was the problem at all and attempting to blame friends/family/anything but weed. Obviously it only affects a minority this way, but skunk appeared to be to blame then and I have no doubt that as it gets stronger the tears in the paper-thin walls between reality and imagination can only become more common. I'm not anti-weed, but I get incredibly frustrated by people who claim it does no harm.

2 - Gap Years
Why the antipathy towards them? It was always my dream to travel; I worked hard after uni to do just that. Some of the greatest experiences of my life. Yes it's become a rite of passage, but so has losing one's virginity before marriage (this happened well before gap years I think...). Both are brilliant and couldn't be recommended more. I'll certainly encourage my kids to travel when they get to the appropriate age (*ignores quivering lip at thought of little one all grown up*).

Its a curiously middle class child requirement, the gap year. I need a 12 month holiday minimum before I can buckle down to colledge and then... Not work too hard for 3 years. I am not an employer but how does a 1 year holiday look on a CV, not too good I would think.Sorry to sound like a misserable old scrotter but that is a little barmy. Nothing sharpens the mind of any one quicker than not having any money. Giving an offspring £20 a week to smoke dope is not a trail many subsribers to this blog would want to follow. I speak as a parent of a 19 year old, one year in to college and "resting" due being unable to find any work or even voluntear at a local charity shop. At least it will teach him a lesson for the next break (we hope and pray).

Not everyone who takes them gets them completely funded. Without wishing to sound like I'm getting on my high horse, most of my friends who went travelling on theirs worked at least one job in order to save up the requisite amount.

And then there's me who - chip on shoulder alert - worked through my gap year in order to make a decent contribution to my university tuition fees*.

*Those of you who know me well may know that a significant proportion of those savings went on a trip to Australia. Because this negates my argument it is, therefore, beside the point.