Well, funnily enough we are trying to sell our flat at the moment. Taking our estate agent's advice, down from the book shelves came all the Irvine Welsh novels and my copy of 'Fucked By Rock' by Zodiac Mindwarp, to be replaced by chick lit and travel books at eye level.

In order to similarly convey that vibe of urban sophistication, a copy of 'The Word' was placed at a jaunty angle on the coffee table, and an iPod and speakers arranged on the bedside cabinet.

When a potential buyer turned up they caught me grooving to 'Strange Games & Mr Thing', a compilation of obscure funky white rock nuggets from the early 70s. It could have been worse, I suppose. Moments earlier I'd been listening to Aidan Moffatt's new record....

On a side note, if any 'Word' readers fancy a 2/3 bedroom garden flat in Clapham, I'll chuck in the Mr Thing album with the cooker.

1.

With its infectious beat and optimistic lyrics, tempered with realism, Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield will be just the ticket for convincing a young, upwardly mobile couple that a moderately-sized, single bedroom in my parent's house represents an advance on the property ladder.

2.

Now that the mood has been set, the time has come to convince buyers that the property is a nice place in which to live. To this end I will hire an escort who will take on the role of my loving spouse. Together we will mime the lyrics of the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, classic - Our House, while the song plays in the background on my hi-fi and a muted Little House On The Prairie DVD fills the screen of my television with homely images.

In addition to my hired spouse, I will also beg, steal, or borrow a pair of cats which I will place in the yard, thereby completing the illusion of domestic bliss. If the prospective buyers look like they might be big Rockabilly fans, I will introduce these felines as the Stray Cats. If the buyers are Goths I will introduce them as the Love Cats - "that one on the left with the backcombed fur is Robert Smith. The one on the right with the three sick holes that run like sores is Lol Tolhurst."

3.

The buyers are clearly interested and are already discussing where they might put the armoire and yet, at the last minute, they begin to waver. Now is the time to play Don't Go Back To Rockville by R.E.M. to remind them of what a dreadful place their current residence is, and what an awful waste of time it will be if they leave without signing the lease papers on a new home.

To reinforce this idea I will sagely drop Michael Stipe's lyrics into our parting conversation: "You'll wind up in some factory that's futon-filled with nowhere left to go." has always struck me as a potent argument for relocation. No sane person wants to live in a futon factory.

'Back To The Old House' - The Smiths. 'I don't want to go back to the old house, there's too many memories there'. Might persuade them they should get away from their sad old abode ASAP but then might also associate the seller's house with unbearable melancholy and send them running.

'This Must Be The Place' - Talking Heads. Cosy, blissful domesticity is here. 'Home - is where I want to be/
But I guess I'm already there/
I come home - she lifted up her wings/
Guess that this must be the place'

'I Want You' by Bob Dylan. Would create a nice mood but the words 'I want you so bad' might seem too desperate.

this will transport your potential purchaser to the land of aesthetic pleasure, or your money back.

Can I Have My Money Back: Humblebums hit on behalf of the mortgage company who rescinded their last cheap rate without notice.
The Auctioneer: Leroy Van Dyke - for the bastards who'll gazunder you.
You've Got To Pay The Price: Al Kent 60's soul hit for the seller.
Stay: Hollies hit to suit likely outcome after 6 months with no buyers.

Back in 1996 the wife and I were house hunting and couldn't really find anything we liked that we could afford in the area we wanted to buy in. Then we wandered into a little cottage where Neil Young's undemanding and rather lovely Harvest Moon LP was playing and I started to think this'll do. There were a lot of problems with the house but we both overlooked them, imagined ourselves sat with the fire roaring listening to our records, sipping whatever wine was on offer in the local Co-op and bought the place.

10's of middle class people gathered round these parts for at least a couple of years and we've only just got round to talking about house prices! never bought or sold house does "Rent" by PSB count!