...slightly handicapped by the fact it isn't even slightly funny.

What was the competition?!

Her winning one-liner is: "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."

In second place was Andrew Laurence, with his joke: "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public."

Blimey - p-poor or what!?

I thought Edinburgh Fringe was meant to be cutting edge?

Not the greatest one-liners, those. Don't really feel like I've missed out on much not going then... However, I'd say most of the best comedians don't really tell "jokes", per say, stand-up is a totally different beast.

One fantastic one-liner merchant though: Gary Delaney. Anyone seen him? His entire act is deadpan one-liners and they are superb.

When I came across an ugly little fellow sat against a tree, bent over double with his head in his lap.

'ere', I say, 'are you a goblin?'

'No' he replied. 'I've just got a headache'

I'm here all week.

Saw the wonderful Milton Jones recently;

“When I was young my parents used to say to me: ‘To pay for your education, your father & I had to make a lot of sacrifices’. And it was true, ’cause they were both druids.”

“My school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.”
I’d just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage gear and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier: ‘you can hide, but you can’t run.’”
“As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.”
“When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.”
“My wife got a new job recently. It's hard to say what she does...She sells sea shells..........”
"Militant feminists,I take my hat off to them...They don't like that"

was a remarkable man but, throughout his life, he was bedevilled by a series of problems. For instance, his insistence on walking around barefoot had a bearing on the serious callouses he developed on the soles of his feet whilst his strict vegetarian diet meant that, at times, his weakened body became fragile and troubled by disease. Another unfortunate side-effect of the vegetarian diet was the barely-mentioned fact that the great man suffered from extremely bad breath.
It could be said, therefore, that Ghandi, amonsgt other things, was a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Thanks,Emo

the best, that one. It did not even make me smile, let alone laugh.

'I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'

See, is it just me or was Tommy Cooper just blissfully unfunny?

But I think he may have said just one crap joke too many. Never got Johnny Vegas either ( and everybody seems to think he's hilarious too ). Or that rubbish Harry Hill fella ( BAFTA's galore but always a confused and quizzical 'has the world gone f***** mad' expression in this humble abode ).

Just me then. And pray, what is a genius in the 'untrue' sense?

... as told by the man himself in concert:

Dylan apologized, saying that "I almost didn't make it tonight.
........ had a flat tire.
...........................................
there was a fork in the road......."

"This is a song I wrote for my ex-wife.
She was so conceited I used to call her Mimi"

"David (Kemper) and I drove here tonight in a car singing songs on the way.
We were singing cartoons."

"Nice to be here. One of my early girlfriends was from
Milwaukee. She was an artist. She gave me the brush-off."

"Thank you very much Ladies and Gentlemen."
He paused and then leaned back in.
"I went to the Motown museum today." (Cheers)
"I was looking for the Smokey Robinson stuff....
I couldn't find it. This guy came up to me though
and he said What did Clark Kent turn into when he
got hungry?' I said What?' He said Supperman'.
I never did find the Smokey Robinson stuff though.."

"Charlie (Sexton) went to see his cousin today at the Hamilton County Jail. He brought him a cell phone.."

"My ex-wife left me again. She's a tennis player. Love means nothing to her."

"On drums, David Kemper, he once swallowed a roll of film,
we'll see what develops."

"Tony (Garnier) was here once before. He got a bicycle for his wife. Tony said it was a pretty good trade."

Full list here.

...and says "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a tepee". Doctor takes some notes and says come back in a fortnight. Two weeks later the man walks in and says "It's no better doctor - now I keep thinking I'm a wigwam". The psychiatrist says "It's clear what your problem is - your two tents".

... a farmer opens the bedroom curtains, and gets the shock of his life. He yells to his wife "Quick! Look at this!"

As they look out, they see all of their cattle have been frozen in the night. Then, in the distance, a figure appears - going to each of the cows in turn, touching them - and they all come to life.

As the figure gets closer to the farm house - it appears to be a little old lady.

"Do you know who that is?" asks the farmer.

"Well, I'm not sure" says his wife "but I think it might be Thora Hird..."

I would also point Word readers to John Cooper Clarke's joke page at http://www.johncooperclarke.com/Pages/thejokes.htm. I particularly like the following:

"I eat a third of a Mars Bar a day... just to help me rest"

One says to the other, "Can you drive this thing?"

'Are you snakes alright in the back?'

Amy Winehouse? Not all she's cracked up to be...

Yes it bloody is!

... bag and belt for her birthday. Her hoover now works perfectly.

* I went to the zoo the other day, and the only animal there was a dog. It was a Shi Tzu.

* A cowboy walks in to a saloon, and asks the bartender for a whisky. Just as he is about to pay for it, he looks around and notices the place is empty.

"Where is everyone?" he asks.

"They've all gone to watch a hanging," replies the bartender.

"Who are they hanging?" asks the cowboy.

"Brown-Paper Pete"

"Odd name" says the cowboy "Why do they call him that?"

"Well, his boots are made of brown paper; his trousers are made of brown paper; his jacket is made of brown paper, and his hat is made of brown paper."

"Oh, I see," says the cowboy, in slight bewilderment. "What is he being hung for?"

The bartender replies, "Rustling"

..told me he'd been off work ill. I asked him what was up. He said he had Tom Jones Syndrome. I said, 'Tom Jones Syndrome? Never heard of it. Is it rare?' He said 'Well, it's not unusual.'

Some nice material on this forum. Here's some short jokes from THE master of one-liners Rodney Dangerfield. You got my respect Rodney! There's some hilarious footage of Rodney on YouTube. Here it goes:
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I think I'll go watch Caddyshack now...

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
Because un oeuf is un oeuf

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Cause the Paracetamol

...and says - Doctor, I think I'm a moth.

Doctor says - I think you need to be at the Psychiatrist's next door - what made you come in here?

Man: Your light was on.

The thing about good looking people.

Is that everyone hates us!

....walk past a pub: Hey! It could happen.