I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her and she fell over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai do not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £7. Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a crap."

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C, "he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F**k me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. " Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "F**k that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ”how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*n*s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

... I'll subscribe and get your new CD free.

Should know that life is in fact a minestrone.

Keep Buggering On, as Churchill said. There's nowt wrong about being upset when you've split up with someone, so wallow in misery a bit, maybe drown your sorrows. But after that don't be hard on yourself. If you're in good health, got good mates/family who like you and can do something well that no-one else can - well it's better than a kick in the knackers.

Sorry to hear you're having a shit time. I've gone through similar stuff this week, women problems and an infected root on a tooth, but hey, I feel so much better than I did on Monday. Just taken my parents out for a Birthday meal tonight and I asked my mum if she fancied seeing Elton John who is incredibly playing in Scarborough this summer. The following conversation I had with my mum may cheer you up.

Me: "Did you not fancy seeing Elton John play live this summer Mum?"
Mum: "I like his music David, but I don't really want to have to look at his face all evening!!"

Anyway, I'm having a beer and going to watch one of my Marillion dvds to cheer me up. Music is the best healer. Chin up!

You might think you're inept with relationships, I think that's just an indication that you haven't met the right person for you yet.

I know we've only met once, but I thought you were lovely. Can't imagine you'll be single for long.

Hxx

I know how man.of.soup feels, sick of hearing "you're a nice guy but..", maybe one day I will meet the right person, who knows but as long as I have my music, friends and family and friends on this site (although I've never met any of the massive in person), I'll keep plodding on...

My relationship's gone tits-up as well. My career (hah!) has died and gone to hell, I'm two months behind on the rent and bankruptcy's looking like a viable option.
On the other hand I found the cheekiest Vin Rouge for £4.99 and I've got "Surf's Up" on my iPod. Right now I couldn't be happier.
All the best.

It's just One Of Those Things I'm afraid m.o.s. - we've all been there, done that, and gone out & bought a t-shirt. Some time soon you'll look back on this time with amusement, I bet - I know I do!

Forgot to record Britain's got talent.

Feel free to share in my happiness at this fact MOS.

Keep your chin up, a cliche I know but in my experience the darkest hour was before the dawn, hopefully it will be for you too.

W

at the Mingle in January.

I thought you a stand up guy. Warm, witty and pretty much A-OK.

May I be the first to trot out the cliche for these situations? *clears throat* It's their loss, mate.

You, my friend, are gonna be alright.

In a few weeks you'll be feeling better and able to sing this:

Sometimes things just are a bit rubbish. Dig out a book that you've read so many times you practically know it off by heart. Hunker down somewhere comfy and warm and know that you are OK really. Because you are.

Things have felt hard for what's getting on for a long time here. I decided last week to try and change the little things I could - started eating a bit healthier breakfasts and cut down on the booze. I felt a lot better. Still smoking but changing my brand and saving money in the process. Also started buying loads of old DVDs from the 40s, 50s and 60s and try to watch them instead of idiotic tv programmes. Give yourself a couple of small aims and try and do them. I know it sounds a bit pat but it's working for me gradually. Wish I had advice re the fairer sex, been single longer than I care to remember.

You're a top bloke (with impeccable taste in music) and you'll be fine :-)

I've met you down the pub. You're a fine fella and it really is her loss. Buy some wine glasses for the next time mind.

Tomorrow is a new day - a Sunday at that. Enjoy it.

Over rated if you ask me and I've been married 20 years in July

that.If its any consolation,Smokie have just appeared on the telly and i think i know something of your misery.Oh fucckkkkkkkk! It's now Eric Carmen'All by myself' live,and he's murdering it...pulls gun..

No women, just fish.

And I think you're lovely.
That is all.

And he really is a man of pure distinction and wonder. Seriously, he created my 70s-footballer-based nickname, watched approximately 5 hours of Black Books with me when my own "showbiz marriage" died on its arse (top tip - avoid gluten-free vegetarians at all costs), looks excellent in a floral shirt and is fast becoming a Local Pop Sensation. He dislikes Led Zeppelin on principle but then nobody's perfect.

So yes, Man Of Soup, All Things Must Pass (though hopefuly not at the tedious length Young George of the HJH suggested). In the meantime, you have mixtapes awaiting collection.

Your pal,
Chopper x

PS I am sorry to all Bloggers who expected a nice Sunday reminicising over Jethro Tull and 70s public information films and instead have happened upon something resembling an episode of the Bloody Waltons. But when your mate's down, you gotta do what you gotta do *strides off pulling cowboy shapes, trips and falls down conveniently open manhole*

We met at the Massive meet in January and you were a thoroughly good chap.

I know how you feel today, and how it will feel tomorrow and next month. It's shit but just think that there is someone out there who will be the One for you even though at the moment you only want the one who has just gone.

You might have met the One already or maybe more likely she's going to be a total stranger. One day your paths will cross and then as things develop you can look back to today and realise that she did you a favour.

I had a string of buggered relationships, gave up looking, then met the missus. Seventeen years and we're still going strong. It often comes right when you're not trying.

Get down the pub - get bladdered - do drugs - have sex - then think about life and how great it is (no matter which path you chose). it will all work out in the end. If not...try my earlier option

bottling it up?
Seriously - sorry you're in the doldrums - my advice, get out, go for a walk, smile and say hello to people as you pass. Look at the trees in bud, the spring blooms, listen to birdsong. Then as you wipe the dogshit off your shoe with a dockleaf - think of it as a metaphor.

I've found your ideal woman:

I have sadly been in your position in the past.
When that relationship, and marriage collapsed, I honestly thought that was it for me...and I wallowed for a very long time.

So I eventually thought sod it....Tried a change of scene (moved to the US), met my now wife, through Match.com (other dating sites are available), and we are now married coming up to 3 years, with a son and a baby due in Sept. Could not be happier.

Try and think positive, and don't wallow for too long, it will become a self defeating exercise.

Good luck, and chin up.

... maybe I won't get Fraser to remove this post after all... I was seriously considering it soon after posting.

Anyway, thanks everyone - all the kind/wise/funny comments very much appreciated, including Vulpes Vulpes and his industrially-proportioned hundredweight of jokes (I have enough trouble remembering even one joke, let alone that many).

And to those who took one look at the OP, thought "oh get over it, you boring bastard" and voluntarily *chose not to say so*, I admire your restraint. Thanks also.

Above all, doubleplus thanks to my grate frend, Juliet "Chopper" Harris, who is younger, cooler, funnier and generally better dressed than me (you have to admire anyone who goes out in public wearing tweeds, a hat with a feather in it, and a Belle and Sebastian T-shirt at the same time...). Much respect.

Anyway, I'm generally managing to Cheer The F*** Up at the moment, you'll doubtless be glad to know.

I'm in a net cafe where they're playing some drippy woman singing a bad cover of Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" and its sheer sogginess has cheered me up no end. And now it's been replaced by James Brown! I *feel* good (for now)!

Thanks again all. May all your Spring afternoons be funky.

... is don't hide yourself away.

Chances are someone will appear out of the blue (Though probably not from behind the sofa...).