Miley Cyrus "writes" autobiography at 15 years old
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7668140.stm
Having just come home from another ten hour day at the office, with a streaming cold, knowing full well, that if I take a day off sick, no one will cover my work and there will just be twice as much there waiting for me the day after, I open a £3.99 bottle of wine, only to discover it's corked and tastes like vinegar, I settle down to catch up with today's goings on via my usual favourite websites.
As you can imagine, I was delighted to read that 15 year old Miley Cyrus has received, reportedly, a seven figure sum, for "writing" her autobiography. As someone who works at least a 40 hour week and makes barely enough to cover the mortgage and bills, I wondered, what the fuck does a 15 year old child have going on in her life that justifies an autobiography? But then again, my dad didn't bring "Achy Breaky Heart" as his gift to the world.
I started to think about how my autobiography as a 15 year old in 1983 might have read as a way of attempting to cheer myself up. I came to the conclusion that it would be about 80 pages long, at least 50 of which would detail how I spent two very unsuccessful years attempting to get off with Debbie Allen (not the actress from "The Kids From Fame.")
I don't feel any better.
Come on people, cheer me up a bit. What would your 15 year old autobiographies read like?
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INDEX
Chapter 1: It's not fair!
Chapter 2: It's not my fault!
Chapter 3: Nobody understands!
Chapter 4: Whatever.
Chapter 5: Piss off, Mum!
Chapter 6: Ow, that hurt!
vague recollection
forced to eat sunday lunch (hating vegetables)
thinking there has got to be more to life ... whilst cleaning the car ( including the Chrome! ) every bloody Sunday .
playing football- being the most important thing in the world
Listening to saxon and Judas Priest whilst mum shouted loudly to have a bath every fifteen minutes over the course of two hours
And thanks for the thread , my average day sounds like yours except the bottle of red had a screwtop
vague recollection 2
Debbie Allen. Now she was good fun.
Sadly, it later transpired
that most of my friends had "had a go" as it were. Thereby shattering the illusion that she was either saving herself, or was particularly choosy. Turns out she was neither.
Dear me
There was an interesting, funny and often emotional programme on Radio 4 this week called "Letters To Myself". People opened and read letters they had written when they were young to their future self. You can listen to it here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/factual/pip/gfpqu/
I found my 14 year old self's diary recently
Little happened (apart from revolution in Iran and Mrs T being elected PM) but I now know what I had for dinner (that would be lunch to you Leedsboy now you are down south) each day of 1979.
I was surprised by:
- how aften I had chips (2-3 times a week; much higher than the healthy diet I tell my kids I had)
- the lack of party action (1 all year!!)and no mention of hot chicks, whatsoever. Again my memory doesn't tally with this, I'm sure I was out each night with a bird on each arm. Apparently and disappointingly not.
- only 3 records bought all year. Olivers Army, London Calling (single) and the White Album.
- I gave myself a score out of ten for each football match I played in, season average 7.3
- got only about 4 things for christmas, including a selection box and an annual.
and that was about it for me in coolsville.
You can't do much...
...to make life a bit more bearable, but buy screwtop wine instead. It never corks and it tastes just as good
(and it's easier to open as well)
I usually buy
whatever is on offer that week. You know, two pounds off, or, If I'm very lucky, half price. Sometimes it's screwtop, sometimes not. Not this week, sadly. But maybe next. Fingers crossed. Thanks for the advice, though.
The bum fluff moustache years...
Went to school
Annoyed teachers
Teachers annoyed me
Wrote lyrics to 'The Happiest Days Of Our Lives' ('When we grew up and went to school / There were certain teachers who would hurt the children in any way they could' etc) by Pink Floyd on cover of maths book, got hauled over coals by maths teacher
Why won't Kate go out with me?
Why have I suddenly got a rubbish catterpillar above my top lip?
I like music though. That's when I come alive...
Sorry
My diary only begins when I was 18 - late starter (although according to the list I went out with 20 different girls during the year!)
"On October 13th, went to see the bands Ange & Bronx Cheer. Had chips on way home"
Get ready with that Booker prize...
Moving onto 1975, now a fully grown 20-year old. "Message on Student Union tannoy. Humpers wanted for Black Sabbath gig in Bradford. Paid £8.75."
Nobel prize for literature beckons.
The diary of frank Dan ( aged pimply )
The trouble with having a " Stage Mother " is that her 10 year old son is expected to tap dance just as much as his sisters . All the best efforts of the Betty Finch school of dancing ( Claim to fame supplies Benny Hill with Angels) fail . Still break out in cold sweats at memories of debut on stage at Ilford Townhall .
14 the Oldman sells building firm and moves from Ilford to 300 year old cottage( 4 rooms no running water) on a dairy farm in Eire . I with yellow Sunmist sports cycle stick out like sore thumb .
May 17th 1974 decide against going on school trip to Dublin . That day a bombing in it and Monaghan kills 33 . A load of 14 year olds never quite look at the world in the same fashion .
Still don't understand girls , no link with always attending single sex schools ! Singles when released in UK take another 6/8 weeks to get here and cost nearly twice the UK price .
Imagine Holden Caulfield transposed to mid 70's Birkenhead
Without the wealth or the whore or the frankly implausibly cool kid sister.
That's me that is.
Last couple of chapters
I'd leave out. It would upset my Mum. First couple dull (I can't remember). Middle section, football, tree climbing and a snog in a wendy house. I wouldn't buy it.
Toying with vegetarianism...
Thank you very much Mr Morrissey. My Mum still puts most of my whining teenage years to Steven Patrick and his various pronouncements and my sheep like mentality. Got a pair of shades just like Johnny for Xmas though!
Does she have a mullet?
These things matter, you know...
That will be dealt with in Volume 2
ages 15 - 18. The second album and subsequent tour.
Age 15? Mainly repetitive with side order of d'oh.
"Monday - was awkward and gauche. Mastubated too much. Why doesn't everyone understand how good Dire Straits are?"
"Tuesday - was awkward and gauche. Mastubated too much. The Ghostbusters soundtrack album is really excellent."
"Wednesday - was awkward and gauche. Mastubated too much. Why doesn't everyone understand how good Billy Joel is?"
Etc
How much
is "too much"? It is, as Woody Allen so wisely pointed out, sex with someone you love....
I feel
it would be unwise of me to clarify further.
I've also noticed I can't spell 'masturbated'.
They say
the eyesight is the first to go...
and the excess hiar on the
plams of the hnads plays hell with ones ability to tpye prpeorly
It was 1980
I began a diary that summer...
My auto-biog would probably read:
I'm going on an anti-nuke demo, we will smash the system and change the world.
Thatcher/tories, bah.
Teachers, bah.
I really love Francis.
He doesn't know I exist.
I am trying to be cool.
HELP, I SENT HIM AN ANONYMOUS LOVE LETTER.
HELP, WILL HE KNOW IT WAS ME.
He completely ignores me.
I am so unhappy.
I must write some deep and angst-ridden poetry.
I have bought a red jumpsuit.
I stayed up really late at the weekend.
No-one understands me.
"a red jump suit"..........
oh dear
I'm reminded of
the Bill Hicks line about Debbie Gibson in the 80s "writing all of her own songs from her own personal experiences", and the next single being called 'Mommy, Why Am I Bleeding?'...
Piper at the gates of scorn
I distinctly remember Billie Piper, during the first stage of her singing career, saying that she had just been through some difficulties in her personal life and wanted a very personal song to express her feelings about this. "So I asked my songwriter to write me one", she said.