My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible.

Boom, and furthermore, boom!

Poker face.

knock knock knock knock knock knock...

Who's there?

A spider.

He wasn't half upset...

3.14 dead.

And....

What's invisible and smells of carrots?

Rabbit farts.

Two snowmen in a field.

One says to the other - 'can you smell carrots?'

He retired and bought a dog in Spain.

does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' Jam in

and so it goes

A. I didn't know it had been away...

© the late great Chick Murray

and one says to the other 'D'you've any bloody notion how to drive this thing?'

One says "I can smell fish"

Knock, knock
Who's there ?
Jamie
Jamie who ?
Well, that's showbiz!

Blue paint.

A sheep with no lips.

Wonkey.
Boom Boom etc.....

Bronto sore arse

Because Soviet forces had surrounded Berlin and were closing in on his bunker.

Q: What's brown and sticky ?

A: A stick

... and one says "Does this taste funny to you?"

... and says to the dentist "I think I'm a moth." The dentist says "I think you need to see a psychiatrist. This is a dentist's." The bloke says "Yeah, I know." The dentists asks "Why did you come in here then?" and the bloke says "The light was on."

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He lay awake at night wondering if their really was a dog.

Edit. I of course meant "there." Serves me right for telling a dyslexic joke...

Panda infested custard

Chernobyl fallout...

Paddy O'Doors!

Edward

What do you call a man with 3 wooden heads?

Edward Woodward

... with a seagull on his head? Cliff.

What do you call a man with a spade? Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade? Douglas.

What do you call a man standing in between two houses? Ali.

What do you call a man floating in the ocean? Bob.

Because the parrots eat 'em all.

Three pigs go into a restaurant. The waiter comes over.

"What would you like for your starters?"

"I'd like the soup please."
"I'd like the prawn cocktail"
"I'll just have a glass of water."

Later...

"And your main courses, gentlemen?"

"I'll have the beef. Well done."
"I'd like the salmon, please."
"Just another glass of water, please."

Later...

"I trust you enjoyed that, and for dessert?"

"The cheeseboard."
"Apple crumble and ice cream, please."
"Water."

"Can I just ask, why are you only drinking water?"

"Well, one of us has to go wee wee wee all the way home."

'What do you fancy doing then?'

'I fancy being a roadie'

'Why?'

'Well, just because I want to, want to, I want to, want to...'

(say that one out loud)

... it's now Calzone Hut.

(Only one person I've told this to has found it funny).

(Helen & Ollie joke from Answer me This).

Because the junglist massive

a naughty pig.

No tomatoes.

Heard the one about the rubber teapot?

It makes a stoatin' cup of tea.

and sits on a wall?

Humpty Baseball Boot.

Grass.

I was lying about the wheels

Casper the Friendly Half-Pound of Mince.

"Hey! Get to f*** off of that tractor!".

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

Baby Polar bear asks his father " Dad, Are you a real Polar bear ?
- Yep, son. I am
- Is Mommy a real Polar bear ?
- She is , Son, she is
-Were your Mammy and Daddy real Polar bears ?
- They were, they were fine specimens , too, I might add
-Were Mommy´s Mammy and daddy real Polar bears ?
- Of course they were. Why all the questions ?
- I´m feckin' freezing

...not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

Fred Astaire's nob.

What's Mr.T's favourite yoghurt?

A petits filous

You don't - You get down from a duck

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind
roight now."

*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The
girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping,
drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never
farted upon. The End.

Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How
good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm
having that!"

Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a
farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya bastard,
you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials
999.
Paddy says "It's me wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is
dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy, "roight, done that, what next?"

and the barman says "Why the long face?"

How do you tell an extrovert Finn?

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you

Man goes for job on building site.
Interviewer: Can you make tea?
Man: Of course I can
Interviewer: Can you drive a forklift?
Man: How big's the fucking teapot?

paninis.

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

re(a)d all over?
a stabbed nun

no, don't go away

What's black, white and re(a)d and lies in the gutter?
The Sun

I'm here all weekend, try the veal

Brer Rabbit is walking through the forest one day and Brer Tortoise is coming the other way, They meet and Brer Tortoise says "I know you, fluffy tail, twitchy nose, floppy ears - you're Brer Rabbit"
Brer Rabbit says "I know you, scaley heid, nae ears - you're Nikki Lauda"

Next!

A while back there was a podcast which mentiuoned a couple fo stories concerning the late Clement Freud which were very good. I have attached this link because it's another excellent joke for the late man......enjoy.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newsvideo/?bcpid=4464161001&bctid=199804...

Stop me stop me stop me

Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea?

Cos all proper tea is theft.

An elephant of course

I saw my mate the other day. He has only got one arm. 'where you going?' I said. 'I'm off to change a light bulb" Looking at him I said 'thats going to be a bit tricky isn't it?' No he said, I'VE STILL GOT THE RECEIPT'.

Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot:

‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’
‘England’, replied the Scot.

Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean?
They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad.

Sorry!

I went to Greece once. I couldn't taste any of the local food. I have no sense of humous.

(Courtesy BBC Football Live text commentary last night)

A mate of mine was recently sacked from his job at Alton Towers. He's suing for funfair dismissal.

Grandma

Anette.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

Q. What is hot and steaming and comes out of Cowes?
A. The Isle of Wight ferry.

I've got a steering wheel down me underpants.

It's driving me nuts.

The Ultrasound guy. (Cheers Dominic Byrne).

I had a wank over an ex-girlfriend last night. I know it's wrong but I still had a key and she is a sound sleeper.

Dalek Bread.

The world renowned expert on wasps, their habitat and the sound they make was passing a second hand record shop and on display, in the window, was an old vinyl record entitled ‘The World’s Wasps And The Sound They Make’.
Intrigued he went inside and enquired about the record. The record shop owner asked if he would like to hear a track off the record. ‘Certainly’ said the Prof.
The shop owner put on track 1.
The Prof. listened to the track intently and shook his head, ’I am sorry but I don’t recognise any of those wasps at all.
So the shop owner played him track 2, and 3, and 4, and 5.
Always with the same answer’ I just don’t recognise any of these wasps.’

The record shop owner took the disc of the turntable and exclaimed ‘ Ah!, that explains it, why you didn’t recognise any of them.
I was playing the bee side.’

He didn't trust the bastard holding the razor.

one says "blimey it's hot in here", the other one thinks "holy shit! a talking sausage"

to find out why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.

Walking past the fridge, thought I heard the onions singing...

...turns out it was just the chives talking

One says "That's the one I'd get!"

A cyclops comes out and hits him.

Not jokes exactly, but...

If you get a letter and you don't know who it's from, just run after the postman and shout "1471"!

Too small for the role of Pastachio, not curly enough to be a Cashew...The Almond.

What is it about people who repair shoes, that make them so good at cutting keys?

My father used to like my mother to get dressed up as a nurse. Then he used to like her to go out to work... as a nurse! Brought in some extra money...

Canteloupe melon - very tasty; honeydew melon - very tasty; water melon - not so tasty ........ but refreshing.

Hamburgers, beef does all the work, pork gets all the credit.

On the Des O'Connor show:

Des, forgive me but I'm feeling rather smug this evening.

Why's that, Harry?

Well, I cooked a rice pudding earlier, and before I left to come here I put the pots in the sink to soak.

(later)

I might only need a Jay...

maybe you had to be there!

'Are you snakes alright in the back?'

So they can hide upside down in the custard.

Have you ever seen an elephant in your custard?

Works, doesn't it!

Why do elephants paint their knackers red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

How did Tarzan die?

He ate a cherry.

What's red and stands in the corner?

A naughty bus.

What's white, square and wears checked trousers?

Rupert the fridge.

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can't beat a wank

I woke up with a Boeing 747 outside my bedroom.

I'd left the landing light on.

A choirboy tied the bellrope round his knob.

He got tolled off by the vicar.

A duck asks the hotel receptionist for a box of condoms.

She asks if he wants her to put them on his bill.

"I want to fuck her, not peck her."

And to finish, research has shown that Native Americans have the longest generative members, the Germans the widest and that the Irish are the finest lovers.

My name's Tonto Gerhardt O'Shea. Goodnight.

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?". "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

"But his face rings a bell.''

.......The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."

"He's a dead ringer for his brother."

Count Dracula is on the pull in Soho. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home after a particularly successful evening and is wandering along a Soho street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. "Mmmm", he thinks, "What's going on here?". A few yards further on and - BANG! - he's smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quickly as he can, but sees nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd! A few yards further along the street and - CRASH! - he's smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls around as quickly as he can, but he still sees nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing disturbs the eerie calm. He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He suddenly feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest and finds that a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle has punctured him. As he lies on the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Just who the hell are you?"

From the darkness comes the reply…."I'm Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For Christ's sake, you bastard, it's twenty to two in the fucking morning!"

...and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

An elephant from Dudley zoo decides he wants to return to Africa to end his days and the keepers let him go. As a memento of his past he leaves wearing an Aston Villa scarf.

He travels through Europe and North Africa and eventually arrives at the Elephant's graveyard in Tanzania.

He looks around for something familiar and sees another Elephant in a Villa scarf so he walks over to greet him.

Elephant 1 "Alright, have you come here to die?"

Elephant 2 "No, yesterday"

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

..you're in bed with an elephant?

He's got an 'E' on his pyjamas.

What's the brown stuff between elephants' toes?

Slow wildebeest.

What's grey and comes in pints?

Male elephants.

What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Me in my lucky blue coat. (c/o b3ta)

What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an orangutang?

A fucking ugly orangutang. (Jerry Sadowitz.. as if you needed to know)

I always thought Grecian 2000 was Demis Roussos's phone number.

I always thought a cubicle was a square testicle.

I got a job as a trainee circumcisionist. £250 a week plus a share of the tips. I missed one day and got the sack.

My mate in London failed trying to set up a sperm bank. Half his customers came on the bus, the rest missed the tube.

Put it in the microwave til it's bill withers.

are holidaying in Italy and on their last day, which happens to be a Friday, they visit the Vatican. They walk through the endless halls admiring the artworks, however they make a wrong turning and come across a terrible scene - the Pope is lying dead on the floor. "Don't tell anyone" says one of the flustered cardinals attending to him, "we'll announce it to the world on Monday".

So the 3 mates get on their plane, arrive back home in Sydney and immediately head to the betting shop and ask what the odds are on the Pope dying on Monday. At a thousand to one they place their bets and agree to meet at the pub on Monday arvo to celebrate.

Sure enough on Monday morning the papers and TV are full of the news of the dead Pontiff, and the lads gather for a celebratory pint. "So how did you go" the Aussie asks the Englishman. "Great, I put a hundred bucks on and now I've got 100 grand to spend. How about you?" "Yeah great" says the Aussie, I put a grand on so I'm a millionaire".

They turn to the Irishman, who's looking a little glum. "What about you?". "I lost all me money" says the Irishman. The others are incredulous. "What happened?"

"I had him on a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury".

Dr Dre

Two foreign legionnaires are lost in the desert and have run out of water. They are just about to give up hope when they see, in the distance, what looks like a market. Not daring to hope, they assume it is a mirage but as they get nearer, they can make out the stalls - and hear the cries - of an authentic arab souk.

Overwhelmed with relief, they rush towards the market and go to the first stall crying "Water, please give us water!" The stall-holder says "I'm sorry, I don't have any water. All I sell are these bowls of jelly with custard and cream on the top and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

They run onto the next stall. "Water, please give us water!". "I'm sorry" says the stall-holder "I don't have any water. All I have are these bowls of jelly and sponge, with custard and whipped creme, with a cherry on top. Look" And he points to the cherry.

The legionnaires go round all the stalls in the market and it is the same story in all of them: No water. Just variations on the theme of bowls with jelly and custard with whipped cream on top.

Resigned to their fate, they walk off into the desert to die. One says to the other. " Wasn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen? Out here, in the middle of nowhere, a market. And all it sold were those bowls of jelly and custard with whipped cream on top.

His friend turns to him and says:
.
.
.

"Yes - it was a trifle bizarre wasn't it?"

"I'll have cod and chips with a portion of mushy peas!
Woman: "Are you thick or what? This is a library"
Man: Sorry love! (Whispers) "I'll have a cod and..." well I thought it was funny

Q. How do you get an elephant out of the theatre?
A. You can't, luvvie, it's in his blood.

A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well I'll tell you," replies the bloke, "you know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top sometimes, then her on top!" "Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?" "I dunno, I never found her head!"

Send down four skin divers.

A Graduate with a Science degree asks; Why does it work ?
a graduate with an engineering degree asks: How does it work ?
a gradute with an accounting degree asks: How much will it cost ?
a graduate with an arts degree asks: Do you want fries with that ?

What the difference between a banjo and a Harley Davidson ? - You can tune a Harley

What has 300 legs and seven teeth - the front row of a Willie Nelson concert

A foreign student was having trouble with the English language- He was struggling with the pronunciation of words like " enough" and " although" and " bough" He finally gave up when he read the newspaper headline " Fete Pronounced Success"

An Australian moves to a property in the outback. He's there for weeks and doesn't see another soul. Then one day there is a knock on his door and the visitor says, "I'd like to invite you to a party this Saturday to welcome you to the neighbourhood. It'll be a typical outback shindig. There'll be some drinkin', some fuckin' and some fightin'."

The new boy says "Okay, what shall I wear?" and the neighbour says, "It doesn't really matter, it'll only be the two of us."

Saturday night in the halls of Asgard. Thor's a melancholic drunk in the corner, watching them all sullenly. He wants a woman, "but Freya's an icy bitch, and that Sif's busy elsewhere. Sod it, I'm off to Earth."

Where he scores in spectacular fashion. Beautiful blonde, fabulous, acrobatic sex.

And the next morning they wake up and she turns to him.

"What happened? I've never had a night like that before - all that thunder and lightning!"

"Let me explain. I AM THOR!!"

"You're Thor? You're Thor? I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the ironmongers and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by a local livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he wen t. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 15 Nightingale Lane?" The farmer said, "Well as a matter of fact, I live at 16 Nightingale Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. "The little old lady said, "I'm a lonely old widow without a husband to defend me. how do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Crikey lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the anvil on top of the bucket - I'll hold the chickens."

Two old ladies Christmas shopping in Belfast. Music comes over the shop tannoy. 'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...'
One lady says 'That's Nat King Cole'
The other replies 'Well who is it then?'

who lived in a purple house, with a purple wife and purple kids and had a purple job in a purple office. One purple day the purple man came purple home to find his purple wife in purple bed with his purple best mate. He lost his purple temper and beat them both to purple death.

The purple police took him away to the purple station, where he waited until his purple trial. At his purple trial he was found purple guilty and sentenced to life in purple prison.

At the purple prison he as met by the purple jailer. The purple jailer led him through the purple jail, until finally, at the end of a long purple corridor, was his purple cell. The jailer led the purple man down the long purple corridor, opened the purple cell door, motioned to the purple man and said...

...

...

ready?

...

...

indigo.

[please, don't hit me]

Because seven ate nine.

A Barbie-queue.

Because he's a cunt

As she gets to little Suzi's desk she notices a puddle under Suzi's chair.

"What's that Suzi" says the teacher.

"I'm sorry Miss, but I've wet myself Miss" says Suzi.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" says the Teacher.
.
.
.
.
.
"I did Miss, but it ran through my fingers"..............

did the grape say when the elephant trod on it?

Nothing.....it just let out a little wine......

A little kid bursts in on his dad naked in the shower. The kid points at his father's appendage and asks : "What is that ?"
The father , rather sheepishly at first, explains that it is called a penis and adds, cockily , : " and a rather perfect one at that "
A little later the kd is playing with some of his mates when he pulls down his trousers and points to his Johnson and announces :

"D'ye see that, That is a penis ! and if it were smaller t'would be perfect "

It was nailed to the chicken ...

An ironing board.

Rabbi is hit by a truck crossing the road. As he lies there, injured, a passer-by runs up, horrified:
"Rabbi, Rabbi! - are you alright?"
The Rabbi just shrugs:
"well... I make a living..."

So Mickey Mouse is in the divorce court. The Judge looks at him sternly and says "Mr Mouse, you can't seriously be telling me you are divorcing your wife because she has buck teeth." Mickey replies "I didn't say she had buck teeth. I said she was fucking Goofy."

Barman says, 'I'll serve you but don't start anything'

Eric : I've been in the army since I was six years old

Ernie : Impossible! You can't join the army at six.

Eric : Yes, you can. I was in the infantry.

Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both

that could eat through anything. He couldn't find anything to keep it in.

Freud discovered the link between fear and sex

It's fünf

Q -What's the difference between a bodhran player and a new pair of brogues?

A - A new pair of brogues fair bucks up your feet.

For as long as most people could remember, Eric Perkins had been in charge of the factory's tool-store. Whenever anybody needed a hammer, or a screwdriver, or a thing for removing spigots without knurling, they'd come to Eric and he, with perfunctory chat and mandatory chit, would allocate them one from his stock. He was a simple man, of few pleasures, but he loved his collection of tools with a passion rare. But then one day the manager of the factory came to see him, coughed awkwardly, and said: "Eric, I've, um, got some bad news for you. You've done a grand job here these past 40 years, nobody could possibly dispute that, but it's a tough, competitive world out there, and we feel the time has come for us to modernise. In future, all tools are going to be dispensed automatically by use of electronic dockets and a network of tiny trams." He took a deep breath. "And that means, I'm afraid, that I'm giving you a month's notice." Eric's craggy old face betrayed little emotion as he listened to his boss's words, but inside he was a shattered man. Since losing his wife, his home and his dogs after a motiveless arson attack in 1986 - oh, what a fool he'd been to play poker with the local fire-crew, especially when they were still on such a post-conflagration high - the tools in this store were truly the only things in the whole wide world he cared about. That night, long after everyone else had gone, he sat quietly in his little room, gently stroking the small adjustable spanner which had long ago become his favourite. "I'm going to miss you the most, you know," he whispered sadly, running his fingers along its cold, hard shaft. And then, filled with a sudden burning need to somehow demonstrate the brute, physical nature of his love, he decided to give the little spanner a really good oil and polish. At the same time the next day, Eric again took the spanner down from the rack, thinking he would just give it one more quick shine before heading home; if this was to be their last month together, the least he could do was try to make it a month neither of them would ever forget. But, as he stood there cradling the much-loved tool in his rough, callused palm, he couldn't help feeling that something was - different. He couldn't explain it, but... somehow, the little adjustable-spanner just seemed... well... not so little. Only a fraction, but - yes, definitely bigger! Puzzled, he set about giving its clamp another good clean, doused its ratchet royally with oil, and then hung it back beside the nail-punches. Another day passed, and now Eric knew he wasn't imagining things, for the spanner had definitely grown again. Excitedly, he fetched a brand new rag, snipped the nozzle on a fresh can of top-grade lubricant, and polished and polished and oiled and oiled. That night, he hardly slept a wink, so full was his poor old head with thoughts of what might be happening down at the factory. And, sure enough, on opening-up the store-room the next morning, he found that the once-tiny spanner could now scarcely squeeze into its allotted place. And so it went on. Each evening, Eric would grease and shine the little spanner, and each morning he would return to find it had increased in size. "This," he murmured to himself contentedly, "is what happens when a man truly loves his tool, and isn't afraid to show it." Two weeks passed. And then one day the factory-manager, making one of his regular evening patrols, and finding himself once again passing Eric's little room, was surprised to hear a loud and plaintive howling coming from within. He paused, then - cautiously - pushed open the door. And there sat Eric, head in hands, his broad shoulders shaking, and heavy tears splashing from his sad old eyes onto a large, shiny adjustable-spanner, more than twenty inches long, that lay on a piece of oil-stained cloth on the floor at his feet. "Eric, Eric!" the manager cried, rushing towards him, "whatever's the matter, old fellow?" And Eric looked up and, choking back the sobs, said: "I'm sorry, Boss, I know I'm being stupid, but - I think it's just suddenly dawned on me what a bloody huge wrench it's going to be when I leave here."

A red indian chief had three wives. He slept with his first wife on a buffalo skin and she was able to make love to him for two hours. His second wife slept on a bear skin and she was able to make love to him for three hours. The chief's third wife slept on a hippopotamus hide and was able to make love to the chief non-stop for five hours. The moral of this tale is that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

... has a delivery to make in Darwin, 1,691 miles along the Stuart Highway from Port Augusta. In the middle of nowhere, a little north of Woomera, the trucker suddenly sees something by the side of the road. As he gets closer, he can hardly believe his eyes. It’s an aborigine, with a huge stiffy, lying by the side of the road. The trucker pulls over and walks over to the aborigine.

“What are you doin’ there, mate?” asks the trucker
“Ah, just checking the time, mate” comes the response.
“The time? What do you mean?” says the trucker, incredulously.
“Well, it’s a skill passed down from generation to generation. We have the ability to use our erect knobs as sundials, and we can tell the time with amazing accuracy.”
“Ah, you’re shittin’ me!” says the trucker.
“No, really” says the aborigine, “if you don’t believe me, test me.”
“OK, what’s the time then?” asks the trucker.
“It’s exactly…… four minutes past two….. now!”
“Fuck me! Spot on!” exclaims the trucker.

The two of them chat for a bit longer before the trucker gets back on the road to Darwin.

The next day, lo and behold, the trucker spots another aborigine lying by the side of the road, also with a huge stiffy. The trucker pulls over and walks over to the aborigine.

“Don’t tell me – you’re checking the time, right?” asks the trucker.
“Yeah! How did you know?” asks the aborigine.
“Ah, I ran into one of your compatriots yesterday and he told me all about it. I still have a hard time believing it works, though.”
“No, it’s all true. It really does work. Tell you what – look at your watch. It’s exactly seventeen minutes past eleven…….now!” and sure enough, just as the aborigine says “now” the second hand sweeps past the “12” on the truckers watch.

The trucker gets back on the road and about an hour outside Darwin, the trucker spots yet another aborigine, however this one isn’t lying down. He appears to be struggling with something. As the truck gets closer, the trucker realizes this bloke is having a wank! The trucker pulls over and walks over to the aborigine.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doin’, mate?” asks the trucker, and the aborigine replies “Ah, just winding me watch.”

How do you get a Pikachu onto a bus?

Pokemon.

"I can't pronounce words beginning with the letters 'f' or 't'"

"Well, you can't say fairer than that then"

Did you hear about the rude Italian film director?

Martin Scortese

It's rubbish because I just made it up. For those who do not know, 'scortese' means 'rude' in Italian.

and says 'Hello, I'm looking for work, you think you can help?'
The guy says 'Wow a talking duck, I'm sure we'll be able to find you something'

He goes away to make a few calls and when he returns ' Ok, I;ve talked to man who runs a circus, you start next week as one of their star attractions in the freakshow'

And the duck replies 'But thats no good to me, I'm a welder'

----

Ywo men at the urinals and one us suddenly hit by a steady steam of piss. He turns angrily to the other guy and says 'What you doing, can't you piss straight, you drunk?'

The man apologises 'Sorry I can't help it, everytime I pee it just goes everywhere, I think I'd better see a doctor.

So he goes to the doctor and explains so the doctor takes a look and exclaims 'Well its no surprise, man. You've got holes all over yer dick.'

The Doctor writes down a name and number ' Go see this fella, he'll be able to sort you out'

'Thanks Doc, is he some kind of specialist?'

'No he's a clarinet player, he'll teach you the best way to hold it.

There's an English guy travelling across the US, and he winds up in a bar in a fairly remote midwest town. He's sat at the bar next to a fairly elderly Native American Chief with whom he strikes up a conversation. They go through the usual niceties and, after a few drinks they're getting on famously. Apropos of not much, the English chap asks the chief if he has a party piece.

"I have a photographic memory," says the chief. "I can remember everything I've ever seen."

So the English guy tries a few things out, and the guy is fantastic, he knows the answer to pretty much everything thrown at him. So he decides to move things back over the Atlantic a bit.

"Do you know much about soccer?" he asks.

"A bit," replies the Chief.

"Ok then, who won the FA Cup in 1965?"

"Liverpool," replies the Native American.

"Bloody hell," carries on the Englishman, "what was the score?"

"2-1," answers the Chief.

"Crikey, that's amazing!" continues the Englishman, "and if I might ask one more, who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St John".

Unfortunately, at this point, the Barman calls time, and the Englishman has to go back to his hotel, and leaves the next day.

Some thirty years later, he's celebrating his Silver Wedding by going back to America with his wife and touring across once again (albeit in better hotels). He ends up in the same bar and to his amazement, the Native American chief is not only still alive, but is sat in the same seat at the bar. He can't resist going to say hello.

"How!" he goes.

"Diving header, 2nd half extra time." replies the Chief.

That's deer! (Doesn't really work when written down)

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was tied to the first one
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Because it thought it was a game
Why did the tree fall down? Because it thought it was a monkey

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.

When he reaches 1 year old he still hasn't said a word.
He gets to 2 years old- still nothing.
The parents take him to speech therapists, psychologists, counsellors but they can't find anything wrong.
On his fifth birthday the family are having a birthday party for him when suddenly he says " Mother- zis cake is a little dry"
His parents rush to him with joy and disbelief.
His mother asks " Hans - why have you never said anything before"
" Because until now everything vas satisfactory"

Thanks to Matthew Norman

Heard Iron Maiden's Nick McBrain tell this on one of those 'Listen With Nicko' things from that 1990 reisssue series. Allegedly how Eddie the 'Ead got his name

Eddie was an unlucky kid, he was born without a body. But his mum and dad loved him and put him on the mantlepiece. When it came to his 16th birthday they were contacted by a doctor who said he'd developed a technique that could give Eddie a body.

Excitedly they went up to Eddie and said 'Eddie, have we got a big birthday surprise for you'

And Eddie said 'Aw no, not another fucking hat!'

there was an inflatable boy, who went to an inflatable school with his inflatable classmates and an inflatable head teacher.

One day, de-sensitised by violent video games and other hallmarks of our permissive society, the inflatable boy went to school armed with a pin. One by one, he punctured his inflatable classmates, followed by the inflatable school itself. Then, overcome by remorse, he turned the pin on himself...

Along came the inflatable headmaster, who said:

"Just look at you. You've let your classmates down, you've let the school down - but most of all, you've let yourself down!"

Why do lobsters never give any money to charity ?

Because they're basically shellfish.

( T. Waits ).

and says to the barman, "I think I've lost an electron".

The barman says, "Are you sure?"

The atom says, "Yes. I'm positive".

What's black and makes women cry?
Gordon Brown's handwriting.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.

Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants........ You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Mickey Mouse is seeing his lawyer about getting a divorce from Minnie Mouse.

Lawyer: "So is the only reason you want a divorce from Minnie is because you claim she is crazy?"

Mickey Mouse: "I never said she was crazy! I said is that she's fucking Goofy!"

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

Q: Why are Nazis crap as DJs?
A: They just can't understand the difference between 33 and 45.

...those who understand binary and those who don't.

those that believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who don't.

Why do ladies wear make up and perfume ?
Because they are ugly and they smell.

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other

The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling EVERYBODY."

about his team's poor form against Arsenal (this is an old joke). He just can't understand it, Man U are the biggest club in Europe, have all the best players etc, but every time they play the Gunners, they get beaten.
So Alex gives Arsene Wenger a call and explains his problem. Arsene is very understanding and invites Alex down to watch his team training.
So Alex turns up in London and spends a day watching the Arsenal players. At the end of the training session he says to Arsene
"I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that you do, but you still beat us all the time".
"Ah" says Mr Wenger, "I don't think its anything to do with the training.
I think its because my players are more intelligent than yours".
Alex looks a bit peeved and asks Arsene "What the hell do you mean by that?".
"Well" says Arsene, "We also train our boys in lateral thinking".
To demonstrate his point he calls over Dennis Bergkamp. "Dennis, here's a problem for you. He's you father's son, but he's not your brother; who is he?".
"That's easy" says Bergkamp, Its me."
"Correct" says Arsene.
Alex is very impressed. He goes back to Manchester and next day in training he calls over David Beckham. "David, I've been talking to Arsene Wenger and he reckons his players are more intelligent than ours".
"That's bollocks, Boss", is Beckham's considered reply.
"OK", says Alex, "I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?"
Beckham looks blank and replies "Need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow?"
Alex agrees and Beckham goes home thinking about the problem. He asks Posh Spice, but she hasn't a clue what he's talking about. He eventually decides to give Jaap Stam a call, thinking that as Arsenal have a lot of foreign players, maybe he will understand.
"Hello Jaap, its David. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?".
"That's easy", says Jaap, "Its me".
So Beckham calls over Alex Ferguson the next day in training and says
"Morning Boss, I've got the answer to that question"
"OK. What is it?" asks Alex.
"Its Jaap Stam" replies the confident Beckham.
"You stupid bastard" shouts Alex, "Its NOT Jaap Stam.............It's Dennis Bergkamp!"

How does he spell awful?

668 - the neighbour of the beast.

.....do they give men in old peoples homes viagra?
so they don't fall out of bed.

How do you know there's a drummer at the door ? The knocking speeds up.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians ? A drummer.

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May
I help you sir?" she asked..
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a
visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave
it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she
was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that
he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh "
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was
instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death
2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

An Indian man walks into a pub and asks the barman;
"May I have a Short Back and Sides please?"
Realising that this is not an order for an obscure cocktail, the barman replies
"No mate you want the barber's, it's three doors down on the left."
The customer leaves but returns five minutes later,
"May I have a Crew Cut please?"
The barman replies "No, you're in the wrong place my friend, you want the barber, three doors down on the left."
The guy leaves but again returns after a couple of minutes and heads straight to the bar.
"May I have a Perm please?"
The barman is getting fed up of this, "Look mate I've told you already this is a pub and you want the barber so piss off and don't come back!"
"I am ever so sorry but I only speak Urdu"

alight on a particularly fashionable turd for a spot of lunch. One farts, and the other says: "Do you mind, I'm eating".

...the difference between a bison and a buffalo?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
Aythankyu!!!

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.
"Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business."

and the Bartender says "May I serve you sir"and he says "I think not!" & Vanishes! A few minutes later he pops back in and says "On second thought..."

Yesterday I went down the pub, and I noticed this guy at the bar. The odd thing about him was that he had a big orange head. I couldn't help my curiousity and eventually sidled up to him.
"Excuse, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you get that big orange head?"
"Well", he said "one day I was walking down the street and I caught a glimpse of something shiny hidden by the side of the pavement. I bent down, and discovered it was a lamp. I gave it a rub and this genie emerged out of it in a cloud of smoke.
"I am a magical genie and I grant you three wishes."
Well, I thought for a moment and, not being the richest man, I asked to become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. Suddenly huge stacks of money appeared around me.
"Wow, you really are magical aren't you? In that case, I've never been the most popular guy...I wish everyone was my friend!"
Every single person who was walking down the street turned to me, waved enthusiastically and shouted cheery greetings.
"This is incredible!"
"You only have one wish left." the genie reminded me. "Use it wisely"
"Yes, right, let me think for a minute. Ok I've got it! For my last wish, I wish...I had.....a big orange head."

Tortoise - "Help...I've been beaten up by a gang of snails!"
Desk Sergeant - "That's terrible - can you tell me how it happened?"
Tortoise - "Oh, I don't know...it all happened so fast..."

Three men happen to die on Christmas Eve and they're all standing in front of St Peter waiting to go through the Pearly gates.
St Peter says "As it is Christmas and a particularly holy time of year I want each of you to show me something to do with Christmas before I let you in"
The first man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a lighter and flicks it on - "This represents the candles on a Christmas tree" he says. St Peter stands aside and says "You're in"
The second man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a set of keys and jangles them - "These are jingle bells" he says. St Peter says "Very good - you're in"
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of ladies knickers - St Peter's face turns thundery and he says "Exactly what are they my son" and the third man says "These - Oh they're Carol's"

I'll get me coat . . .

What does Lemmy use to plant Japanese Maples in his garden?

Acer spades!

You'd think the second one would have noticed.

Second man; Yes , I can

First man; Can you read my mind?

A family had twin boys but their only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt the weather was too hot, the other would think it was chilly. If one said the TV was too loud, the other wanted to turn up the volume. The twins were opposite in every way: one was an eternal optimist, the other a “doom & gloom” pessimist.

Christmas was always a nightmare for the boys’ parents. So this Christmas Mum & Dad decided to sort out the situation once and for all. Mum loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. Dad placed a large load of horse manure in the optimist's room.

The following morning Mum & Dad went to check. They found the pessimist twin sitting in his room surrounded by his new gifts and crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" Dad asked. The pessimist said: "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken."

Mum looked into the optimist’s room and found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" she asked. With a beaming smile the optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"